There were 18 balloons in my car as I drove to school that Monday; Angelica had to hold them down so I could see in the rearview mirror and slowly, we made it to school in 20 minutes, only five minutes late to first period.
"I can't believe you made me late for some stupid balloons!" Angelica complained as we pulled into the parking lot.
I sighed and parked in the only available space, far from the entrance of campus. "You know Ryder just as well as I doâ you know what he's expecting from his best friends on his birthday."
"Well you're not exactly his best friend at this current moment now are you Alice?" She replied bitterly using a cheap shot, opening her door and slamming it behind her, rushing towards campus, slinging her bag over her shoulder.
I watched her with a pained expression, that fucking hurt. Opening my door, I stepped out of the car and shut the door tiredly behind me and leant against it.
I wanted this year to be over, being the most hated girl in school was getting old. How was I supposed to become this new version of myself when the people I used to surround myself with detested me?
Pulling the massive balloons from the car, I grabbed my backpack and slammed the door behind me, looking towards the school that I wasn't very fond of anymore.
Once upon a time seven months ago, it was my favorite place to be, sure I was lonely and didn't have any real friends, but at least then half the school didn't hate me, at least I wasn't fucking up everyones life.
I walked quickly to Ryder's classroom, knowing that this would put the biggest smile on his face and I just couldn't wait to see it. Nearing the door, I tucked some hair behind my ear and yanked the door open, stepping inside.
The class turned to me and as I stared back at the class, my cheeks reddened.
Ryder wasn't fucking here.
"Uhâ" I turned to the teacher, my own economics teacher that I had third period. "Is Ryder Thompson in this class?"
Mrs. Persaud smiled warmly at me. "Well he is enrolled in this class, but he hasn't shown up for class today."
I frowned. "Oh..."
This is awkward.
"Well, I'm sorry for interrupting your class!" My cheeks were burning with embarrassment as I backed up towards the door, my hand searching aimlessly for the door handle, awkwardly smiling at the students who stared back at me, most of whom I assumed, hated me.
Mrs. Persaud laughed and as I exited she called out to the closing door, "I'll see you third period Alice!"
I pressed my back up against the metal door, embarrassed beyond belief. He wasn't in class, was he even at school today? We weren't exactly close anymore so I supposed he wouldn't keep me updated on his plans and still I felt blindsided.
Where was Ryder?
There was no way in freaking hell he would miss his birthday at schoolâ Ryder always loved this dayâ he loved walking around with trinkets that announced to the entire school that it was his birthday, he lived for the attention. Even when we weren't friends in previous years, I would see him in the hallways and he'd happily gloat to whom ever would listen about his balloons and gifts his friends had brought him.
Turning on my phone, I clicked on Find My Friends and was concerned to see his little dot five miles awayâ at home. Eros' dot was at school too, so it wasn't like Ryder was having something with his friends. With a frown, I began walking back to my car to put the balloons back, shoving my phone back into my pocket.
Something really must've happened for Ryder not to show up to school today, and not only that, but he was at home, not with Eros, his best friend that I'd assume he'd want to spend the day with.
As I stepped out towards the parking lot, I spotted a lone, familiar figure leaning against the window of his car, his attention diverted to the phone in his hands. He was turned away from me so he couldn't see me, but I saw all of him, and truthfully, I wanted to cry.
I didn't want to see him, be reminded of what we could've had if only we weren't damaged, be reminded of what I lost. And I really didn't want him to see me shoving 18 balloons into my car when he probably knew where Ryder was.
Still, I couldn't just walk around campus with 18 balloons all day so I slowly began to walk near my car which was thankfully across the parking lot from him.
Midway toward my car, my phone buzzed in my back pocket and I pulled it out, taking any advantage of prolonging the time it would take for Eros to spot me.
From: Ryder Thompson
Can you two stop fighting for an hour and come over? I'm sad and I need both of my best friends.
Almost immediately my phone began to ring, Eros' name flashing on my screen. I glanced up to his figure fifty feet from me, his body clenched with tension. I answered apprehensively. "Hey..."
"Did you get Ryder's text?" He didn't wait for a response as he spoke again, "Meet me by my car in five minutes, I'll drive us," he spoke coldly, directly, lacking all the empathy I had become accustomed to.
"I'm in the parking lot behind you," I said and began to walk towards him. I watched as his figure spun and began looking for me, spotting me not by my figure, but by the shape of my balloons in the air, and his eyes traveled down towards me and he stared hard as I came to stand in front of him.
"He's going to love those balloons Alice," his voice was soft and gentle, and despite this softness being extended towards me for the sake of Ryder, I basked in it like it was the first glimpse of sunshine after a long winter.
I didn't let him see my smile as I shoved the balloons in the backseat of his car and as I clipped myself into the seatbelt, feeling so many emotions as I sat in his car, breathing in his scent. "We can be civil for Ryder, can't we Eros?" I asked.
He allowed the smallest of smiles to lift the corners of his lips, almost imperceptible and he shifted the gears of the car, glancing up to me quickly. "It'll be like when we first met Alice, when I didn't like you and you tried everything in your power to change that."
I knew he saw my smile at this reminiscent statement, and he returned it shyly, in a way only Eros could.
There was quiet for a few moments as we left the parking lot, as we both contemplated how we could possibly function together as though we weren't wholly upset with one another.
He broke the silence first asking, "How's Angelica?" It was clear Eros was desperate for any information of a girl he'd hurt, a girl he would love forever.
"She's okay," I said softly. "She's a much better driver now, maybe even better than Ryder."
The streets passed in a blur, Eros speeding through them like it was second nature, not really looking at street signs or anything because he just knew how to get to Ryder's house, a house that had always been open for him.
Eros laughed, "Well that's not setting the bar very high now is it Alice?"
"Yeah..." I replied with a tiny smile, cursing myself for how happy these three seconds of conversation made me. It was unfair how much he could affect my mood, how much attention his aura always demanded.
The drive felt painstakingly slow even though it only took five minutes, ten minutes less than how it would usually take for someone to get from our high school to Ryder's house.
As we parked, we both hesitantly got out of the car, unsure of how to approach this situation despite the gravity of how dire it could really be. I grabbed the balloons from the back of the car, hoping it would making something right.
"Do we knock?" I asked as we stood in front of the intimidating French doors.
"We have keys, why would we knock Alice?" Eros shot back, fidgeting with his keys to find his key to Ryder's front door.
I slapped his hand from putting the key in the door.
"But we don't know what we're going to walk in on, and it's not our home Eros, we can't just waltz in, especially when the son of the owners is upset."
I supposed I was so hesitant because I've only seen Ryder sad once, and that was awful. Ryder didn't get sad, it just wasn't in his character. He loved life too much and was too busy to really feel sad. The only time he really got sad was when something happened with his parents, which concerned me.
Eros sighed and was just about to press the doorbell when the door swung open and Ryder stood staring at us blankly.
"I could hear your bickering even through these thick doors. I really hoped you two could stop fighting for the sake of me," Ryder said, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
Ryder lookedâ rough. There was a five-o-clock shadow on his face that under normal circumstances would never exist, his hair puffy and messy, the curls in disarray. His eyes had deep bags under them and I wondered how someone's appearance could change this quickly.
This was nothing like the Ryder I knew and loved.
He shifted his weight from one leg to his other, seemingly uncomfortable with the way Eros and I were staring at him, and I couldn't blame him either.
"Ryder," my eyes were wide with shock as I finally spoke, and I pushed Ryder's balloons towards him in an effort to compose myself. "Happy birthday!"
He was confused as he looked at the strings in my outstretched hand and then the balloons at the top of them, and he laughed, momentarily looking like the boy I knew since I was a baby. Ryder grabbed them, pulling the 18 balloons into the house. "It's a shame I didn't come to school and receive them in first period. Thank you Alice."
His acceptance wasn't what I was expecting, granted this wasn't a normal Ryder, but he was just too calm for any of this to feel like we were on any spectrum of normal.
Eros and I stepped into the house after Ryder, Eros shutting and locking the door behind him, turning to cautiously watch Ryder's next few actions. "So what required that both Alice and I come over?" Eros shoved his hands into the front pockets of his dark jeans.
Ryder set the balloons down by the living room, and turned to us, his eyes filled with tears. "I came out to my parents," he whimpered, and then dissolved into terrifyingly heavy sobs, falling to the ground, clutching his legs to his chest as he began to rock back and forth.
There was a moment that existed in which Eros and I just stared at Ryder, paralyzed with these heavy words he just told us. This moment only lasted half a second, but in that time, Eros and I had met eyes and we understood that any fight that was going on between us could be dealt with at another time. Right now, we needed to focus on a traumatized Ryder.
Eros and I rushed forward, half in shock, half in concern. We both knew Ryder identified as queer, though he never explicitly came out to us, he always talked about how weird it was being the only queer person in our friend group and how he was 80% both Eros and I were closeted bisexuals.
"When?" Eros asked softly as he pulled Ryder up and to the couch, laying Ryder's head to lay on his lap, stroking his hair gently.
I came to sit down in front of them so that Ryder and I's eyes were level as he began to talk.
"IâI." He swallowed as an attempt to control his mind. "My parents were home for the weekend, and I just thought it was the perfect time. I'm 18 and I've known I liked all types of people since I was 12, and I just thought, I fucking thought," he spat his words as though they were poison, his face crunching in pain, eyes squeezing to slits, "that I was secure-enough and adult-enough that there would be no problems coming out to my parents. I thought coming out to them on my birthday would reduce their reaction if it was going to be adverse."
Ryder suddenly stopped telling his story as his lips thinned into a wobbly frown. He was about to break and Eros and I were going to witness it. Ryder eyes were tightly shut and a trickle of tears began to fall down his face.
I wiped them immediately as my heart ached for him, the pain he must be in was unimaginable to me.
"And?" Eros asked, continuing his gentle stroke of Ryder's hair. He was treating Ryder so softly, something he reserved for the few people he loved, and despite the demands of this situation, my heart pumped hard against my ribcage.
Eros showing kindness was my favorite thing in this whole, mighty world.
"And so I said it. I said those two words: I'm pansexual. And, and they just stared. I'm not quite sure what that meantâ" his voice cut off as he began to sob, turning his face to bury into the cloth of Eros' jeans, where Eros could only sadly pat his head in response.
We didn't prod Ryder for more answers, it easily could've of been just too difficult for Ryder to talk about. It must be too difficult for I could only imagine what Ryder was going through and yet I would never understand the pain that Ryder was going through right now.
My eyes lifted from Ryder to his home, there was something about this house, knowing that here was where Ryder came out, haunting images of his parents staring at him from all around, that I couldn't imagine that staying at this house would do anything but hurt him more.
"Hey Ryder," I whispered into his ear, smoothing parts of his hair that Eros hadn't touched yet.
Ryder shifted his head so he could look at me, his eyes sad, nose red and runny. "Yes Alice?"
I gave him my sweetest smile. "I know there's no better way to cure a sour face than a couple of best friends and a choice beach house," my words were mostly not my own and as I hoped, Ryder's face lit up from the reference.
But to be fair, we had watched Lilo and Stitch together maybe a month ago, so he had to have remembered.
"You can't suddenly turn from Harry Potter trash to Lilo and Stitch trash! There must be a division Alice! Rules! Rules that are meant to be followed!"
His face was still sad, but behind it, there was a bit of light that was struggling to come through and I was determined to bring it forth.
"Oh shut up Weatherby!"
And there it was, a smile on Ryder's sad face that exonerated the sadness, though I knew it wouldn't last. But maybe, giving Ryder a few happy hours would help lessen the brute of his oncoming sadness. And even then, we would be there with him to help him through.
Ryder sat up from Eros' lap and roughly wiped his face with his t-shirt, pulling it back to reveal a puffy, reddened face, and a now dampened t-shirt. He shot Eros a sideways glance. "Did you by chance understand any of that?"
Eros pursed his lips. "Only the Weatherby one because I just finished that book."
Ryder sighed. "Pack your bags kids. We're going to Santa Cruz!"
â¦
Though my efforts for a relaxing, fun trip were plausible, the universe laughed at our efforts and had sent a vengeful storm into our trip to Santa Cruz.
Not exactly what I was picturing for our cheer-up-Ryder trip.
We parked in front of the house, sitting for a moment in the car, staring at the hard world outside. Sitting here, it was easy to ignore our problems, the tensions that had pushed us apart, and I was at fault for all of it.
But how could I even start to apologize for all the things I've done to ruin this friendship? All I've done to hurt Ryder, Eros, Claire and Luna. I was at fault for everything that tore us apart and I couldn't imagine all of us ever coming back together.
It was Eros who moved first, pushing open his door with a grunt and jogging towards the porch, hood over his head, not giving us a backwards glance as he found the spare key and pushed the door open.
So it was, Ryder and I sitting in the car, and it was clear that neither of us were ready to leave.
"Ryder," I shut my eyes. "I love you with everything in me, I would do anything to make you feel better."
I felt him reach over from the drivers seat to grasp my knee tightly. "I know Alice. Thank you for being civil with Eros for me. Things will work out, you just have to give it time," I opened my eyes as he spoke, the gentleness and kindness that could only ever come from Ryder.
"Have your parents said anything yet?"
He shrugged. "They texted me saying they loved me, but it feels weird. I feel like I've been building this conversation with them for years and since it didn't go the way I wanted, I acted out. I know they love me, I just don't know if they love this part of me," his voice was sad and broken, as his words rushed and he swallowed his pain afterward.
I placed my hand over his. "Maybe they just need time. Maybe they want to talk amongst themselves to make sure they say the right thing. They do love you Ryder, every part of you. They will love the worst parts of you until the heavens fall to earth."
Ryder smiled. "Thanks Alice."
He too, exited the car, so it was just me in the car with our baggage. I watched as Ryder trudged through the wet world to his safe place, his solace, the place where the ocean was untamed and he could heal.
I wanted to make things better, I would make things better, I didn't want us to live like this. I wanted Ryder to not feel like he needs to constantly choose between Luna and Claire and I, I wanted Eros to be with someone that made him happy. And I wanted to apologize to Luna and Claire for ruining their relationships with both boys, for sleeping with Eros, for hurting Claire only in a way cheating can.
So I too exited the car, with this thought on my mind as I grasped all three backpacks and ran into the house, the cold, bitter wind chilling my spine and soaking my skin and clothes.
Shutting the door behind me, I dropped the bags and glanced to my left to see Ryder in the living room, tending to a small fire that was birthing in the fireplace. I took a step forwards, spotting Eros in the kitchen, pulling out a few bowls and containers of flour and sugar from the cabinets.
He glanced up at me as I entered. "We need to go to the grocery store. I was going to make Ryder a cake but they don't have any eggs."
I laughed and he looked at me questioningly. "You'd think we'd bring all those things because you knew you'd make a cake, but we left in such a rush we forgot this house rarely has anything we really want."
Eros rolled his eyes, pulling up the sleeves of his flannel to his elbows, leaning over the island as he spoke to me. "Very sassy Alice. Just get the keys from Ryder and we'll be off."
I smiled at him as I left the kitchen, finding Ryder sitting silently in front of a roaring fire. That was quick.
"Hey baby," I squatted next to him, tenderly kissing the side of his head, feeling him lean toward me, his left arm wrapping around my body, pulling me tightly to his side, ending my thoughts of telling him Eros and I were going out.
"I was thinking about you in the ride over here, and your healing. I don't think I've ever told you, or if you've ever even thought of this, but you need to forgive yourself Alice," he shot me a sideways glance. "Stop treating yourself so subpar because you fucked up, you can't continue to punish yourself for one thing. Even if other people don't forgive you what matters most is that you forgive yourself, that you allow yourself to be human and make mistakes."
I remained silent. I didn't want to bring this up, I didn't want to bring attention to the horrifying ways I've ruined the few great things in my life and how I'd feel guilty about it forever. This was his birthday and this day was supposed to be dedicated to him and what he was going through.
He kissed my shoulder. "It's my birthday and Alice, all I want is for you to forgive yourself. All I want for us, for all of usâ me, you, Eros, and even Luna and Claire is to find our way back to one another. But that can't happen if you're holding onto this."
My eyes shut involuntarily as I basked in the warmth of Ryder's body and the fire, reminding myself of Ryder's words, his plead.
"I'll try," I whispered to the fire, soft and unsure, similar to how unsure I felt about forgiving myself and forgiving Eros.
"You can't live your life stuck in the past my Ginny Weasley. We have to move forward."
I gave Ryder a grim smile and snuggled into his arms, I could certainly try. "I love you my Harry Potter."
He pressed his lips on my hair, speaking into my scalp. "I love you too Alice."
We pulled away from our fond embrace and as we looked at each other, I pulled my hair from my face and cradled his. "Eros and I are going to pick up some food. We'll be back soon."
Dropping my hands from his face, I let my right palm float to the space between us.
Ryder smiled as he pulled his car keys from his pocket and placed them in my outstretched hand. "Even mid-fight you guys can't stay away from each other huh?"
I rolled my eyes. "Now that's certainly not true now is it Ryder?" I said standing from my squatting position, resting my hands on my hips as I teased him.
Ryder returned my expression, a coy smile dancing on his face as he spoke, "What happened during my birthday party Alice?"
Our conversation was interrupted as he stepped into the room. "I told her that the next time we came together, we'd be whole. Obviously we're not whole so..." Eros smirked at us across the room, effectively murdering the wholesome mood Ryder and I created and establishing his feelings for me with two friggin' sentences.
If only I could do the same.
â¦
We glided down the aisle, the wheels of the shopping cart rattling, perhaps due to the lack of preparation for two teenagers weight being pressed down on it. I giggled from the basket of shopping cart, hearing Eros' laughter above me on the handlebars.
"Stop!" I stuck out my hand as we reached the dairy, all of which contained everything we need.
Eros' foot dropped to the floor as he slowed us, coming to a complete stop in front of the milk. He opened the fridge door and stuck his hand in, grabbing a carton.
As he got the remaining ingredients in this aisle, my eyes skimmed the rather empty other aisles, straining my head to see the soup of the day they had at the deli, my stomach growling loudly, betraying me. I pursed my lips, that was fucking loud, maybe even loud enough that the whole store heard.
Eros laughed as he placed the butter in the top part of the cart, next to the butter and milk. "Maybe we should pick up dinner too?" He suggested, pushing the cart in the direction of the deli.
I smiled and leaned back against the cold metal of the cart, "Maybe."
In my mind, I could see Eros roll his eyes, see the upwards quirk of his lips as he smiled a toothless grin. He stopped at the chickens, keeping me albeit away from the soup I so dearly craved and as I continued to gaze at the soup, I saw the mashed potatoes and I think my stomach even rumbled.
He plopped a rotisserie chicken in my lap. "Dinner for Ryder and I, and would you like," I turned my head to see him reach to a box across the chicken. "Potato wedges?" He picked up the box to read the label and the scent of the potato wedges reached me and my mouth immediately began to water.
Fuck.
My eyes darted between the soup and potato wedges, slightly split between the twoâ soup was great, but potatoes wedges were crispy and fluffy at the same time. I opened my mouth to speak but was distracted when the box landed in my lap and we moved to the soup, Eros picking up a paper bowl and pointing to the tomato soup.
"This is the only vegetarian one," he said to me with a smile. "And I bet those potato wedges would taste great in the soup."
I returned his smile with a tilt of my head. "It's like you read my mind."
His smile grew slightly and every bit of apprehension fell from his physique and we were there, two friends who knew each other like they'd known each other since they were kids. But that moment quickly ended as Eros cleared his throat, his smile disappearing from his face almost as quickly as it had appeared.
My smile wavered but didn't fall.
I wasn't whole, and neither was he, but we were getting there.
â¦