The car ride home was almost silent, either from our exhaustion, interest in novels or more likely, the promise Eros and I made to each other: we couldn't be friends until our feelings were gone.
It was fairly comfortable for the most part, the radio softly playing today's top hits in the background, the ocean on our left, and the sound of pages turning as Eros and I devoured our books that we failed to read coming and during our four day trip, hours spent quietly, devouring the In-N-Out we bought when we took our single rest stop, getting into Monte Verde late, but not late enough that the stars started to abandon the sky.
"Angelica?" I called into the dark abyss of our house, placing my house key on the table next to the door, squinting into the entryway.
I got home around three, after Ryder fairly pointed out that even though he'd love to spend the rest of my break with me, it was probably better I spent some time with Angelica, after all, I did abandon her, again, to be alone with our father.
A yawn escaped my lips as I stepped further into the house, pulling my duffel bag off my shoulder and letting it fall to the foot of the stairs with a solid thump, eyes adjusting to the seemingly impenetrable darkness. My feet followed muscle memory into the kitchen flicking on the light absentmindedly as my arm reached out for the fridge handle.
"How was LA?"
I jumped into the air and spun around to face the granite island in the middle of the kitchen, surprised to see Angelica sitting there with a mug of tea in her hands, phone propped on a textbook and the soft noise of a YouTube video reaching my ears.
"What are you doing in the dark?" I countered, still holding my rapidly beating heart.
She yawned. "Couldn't sleep."
I shook my head and opened the fridge, frowning at it's empty contents. "So I'm guessing you didn't cook when I was gone," I peered around the fridge at Angelica's sheepish face.
"Wellâyou're the cook of the house anyways, I don't really even know how to cook, so I either went over to a friends or ordered in."
Rummaging in the fridge I found a packet of tofu, a red onion, a tomato and an avocado.
Great.
"Have you been sneaking around with my car Angelica?" I pulled out the rather basic and yet surprising ingredients out of the fridge, turning to her with a slight lift of my brow. I wouldn't say I was surprised, but as an older sister, I was concerned for her safety.
Angelica wasn't exactly the best driver...
She blushed and hid her face in her hands. "Ryder and Eros already taught me how to drive Alice!" She complained. "I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to drive if you're not around."
I snorted, she didn't get brownie points from learning from quite possibly the most reckless drivers I knew. "Maybe because you're not old enough to get a license, let alone have a permit!"
"I'm getting better!" From the corner of my eye I saw her jut out her jaw in indignation of my words.
"Tell you what," I laid all of the food out on the counter, pivoting on my foot to grab some spices from the cabinet and a lime from the fruit bowl. "If you let me teach you how to cook, I'll let you drive us to school every morning." I offered her a cutting board and knife.
Angelica frowned. "But why do I have to learn how to cook when I'll always have you!"
I felt a stab in my heart, and the tone of my voice catered to that, "What about when I go off to college Angelica? We both want to get out of this city when we pursue higher education and thanks to Grandma, we have the privilege to do just that."
Avoiding my gaze, she grabbed the cutting board and knife, reaching over the grab the veggies too. "I know," she chopped the tomato. "I think about that a lot. You might not be Mom butâ besides Grandma you're the only maternal woman I have in my life. You sacrificed a lot to provide for us, what Dad couldn't give us. And I realize," she looked up to me, and I was struck by the desperation in her face, eyes crinkled like raisins and face screwed up in complete pain. "I don't know how to do anything without you."
I felt my heart break, the sound of it reverberating in my chest as it sagged in my rib cage; I had failed her.
My entire life I dedicated to her, and doing so providing for her, and yet I failed to prepare her for life, failed to teach her about budgeting money and cooking and even driving. I didn't teach her things Grandma taught me that she never told Angelica.
I must've been quiet for a while because by the time Angelica called out for me, the onion, tomato and avocado were also cut. "Alice? This is the part where you're supposed to say I'll be fine without you."
I felt my face contort into a smileâa default setting because I certainly didn't feel like smiling right now. "You will be," I reached over and squeezed her hand. "Because you have me and Ryder and Eros. And we'll teach you everything we know and you'll be fine."
She remained quiet as I minced the tofu, my mind at an ease as I focused on the simple task, allowing it to take over my mind from the worry I had about my sister, about my future, about how I was going to teach her to be an independent young woman when I was still a kid.
"Dad's been really good."
"Yeah?" I glanced up to her and gestured to the stove with my free hand. "Can you grab a pan and put it on medium heat and add some oil?"
"Yeah. He's made me coffee every day and I don't think he knows it's spring break or that fact that you're not home for that matter because he made you a coffee every day too." I heard the clink of the pan hitting the stove and it lighting.
"So do you think the new meds are working? What's he even taking?" I turned and brought the chopped veggies and tofu over to her, opening a lower cabinet and reaching in for a small glass bowl.
She shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe he realized that he lost his daughters years ago and wants to make things better. And I don't know, he moved them from the kitchen to his room."
"I don't think this is going to last."
I didn't mean to be bitter and resentful about it, but I had hoped for my father to be the better man for 15 years, and rarely did he prove me right. I was sick of him pretending like coffee was going to fix our relationship that was beyond repair.
"You might be right. But you also might be wrong," her eyes were glowing with hope and instantly my resolve died a little. "I think this is going to last, and I think that one day, the three of us can really be a family."
Her hand clasped mine and she squeezed it, looking shyly up to me, my 15-year-old sister that had more trauma than anyone I knew, my hopeful 15-year-old sister.
And then it hit me.
I may have not taught Angelica how to cook or clean, how to change a flat tire (which I still didn't know how to do) or how to drive. But I did teach her how to be a good person, my morals were hers, and she was the epitome of the person I aspired to be.
I will never be able to explain the swelling of pride in my chest, the broad unfiltered grin that had spread across my entire face as I realized I was the one who taught her to never give up hope and maybe I still had hope for teaching her all the rest.
We really were going to be fine.
â¦
I craved the light, the sunshine scattering through windows and dust particles floating in the air, it represented something bright and happy in my life that always seemed to bring me an immense amount of ease.
And for a portion of time, Eros had represented that for meâ something beautiful amongst the gray clouds.
But, because of certain circumstances, that role recently had been taken up by Henry Davidson.
"You're really not much of a baker are you babe?"
I looked up from my glass mixing bowl to Henry, who expertly folded eggs into another bowl for cookies and then I looked down to my own bowl of batter for cake that didn't look like the corresponding photo on the website to the recipe I had found.
"Well," I dragged out, lifting the spoon and watched as yellow batter slid off it like water back into the bowl. "Angelica and I never had much of a sweet tooth so I never took it upon myself to learn to bake."
Henry chortled in front of me. "Obviouslyâ your cake mix is runnier than juice. Why didn't you just buy a box cake? Even you wouldn't be able to mess that up."
I shot Henry an annoyed look. "Because it's for Ryder's birthday and like you he's been raised in a privileged household. I want his birthday to have an extra sense of sentimentality and a homemade cake is the foundation of that. So however long it takesâ I'm going to perfect this recipe before then!"
"I'm sure he'd appreciate the thought Alice, but I don't know how he'd feel about getting food poisoning!"
I raised my spoon at him threateningly, watching as his grin grew. "Now don't you do insulting me and my cake mix mister or you'll end up on the wrong side of my spoon!"
Henry laughed. "You're cute when you try to make threats babe," an arm reached out and he grabbed my bowl, inspecting it lightly. "Okay how about this. You roll this dough into cookies and put it in the oven and I make the cake. Ryder doesn't need to know you didn't make it." He winked, and my heart swelled.
The relationship between Henry and I was, wholesome. Sure we did things in the bedroom that weren't so much wholesome but so did every other couple. I liked being called 'babe' and having a boy try to resolve issues I was having problems with.
What I couldn't figure out is if I genuinely liked Henry or if I just liked the attention he was giving me...
"What did I do to deserve you!" I sighed, leaning my body across the island so I could press our lips together softly.
I felt his grin in the kiss and pulled back to see his eyes closed, skin smooth and relaxed. His eyes fluttered open and he rolled his eyes at me. "I was a dick to you the first time we met and you still maintained grace and even humored me for a while after. All you did to deserve me was give me a chance love."
My smile was my answer to his words, and it was like I was floating on air, the way his eyes scrutinized my moves and tried to memorize every detail of my skin, the manner in which he treated me, in a way I wished could've been a reality for Eros and I.
But that wouldn't ever happen.
Henry stood and handed me his bowl, giving me precise instructions as he walked to the sink to dump out my attempted cake batter. "So the cookie dough not ready yet, you have to let it chill for a few hours but after that you'll line a baking sheet with parchment paper and take an ice cream scooper and place each cookie an inch apart and cook it for 10 minutes at 325â are you listening Alice?"
I turned to him with a sly smirk. "I am! I'm just wondering how long you've been this intense of a baker?"
He returned my smirk and grabbed my hips in his hands. "I am intense in all aspects of life Alice Black, you'd be surprised."
Henry was teasing me with the prospects of his intensity and surprising myself, I found myself playing along to his tricks. "I'm not quite sure I know what you mean by yourâ intensity Henry. I really do think you'll have to give me an example."
A ring of light laughter echoed in the kitchen and Henry twisted on his foot, placing the bowl casually behind him on the counter as he stalked toward me, a cunning grin twisting the corners of his mouth. "Yeah Alice Black?" He was close enough now that he stood over me, a finger tucking some hair behind my ear. "What kind of example do you think you want to see?"
I wrapped my arms around his neck, squealing when he lifting me by the backs of my thighs and set me on top of the island, standing in-between my thighs, hands running up and down my thighs sending shivers of excitement through me.
"I'm sure you can think of something."
His mouth reached for mine in a hot, fiery kiss, nothing about this at all seeming to be floaty or light. I felt the exact opposite, rooted to my spot on the island with Henry holding me down, mouth warm and enticing, edging me closer to the sins we could commit.
My fingers tightened in his soft brown hair, legs wrapped around him, bringing his face and body as close to me as possible, teasing the idea in my head of leading him to my bedroom and knocking out some sexual frustration that had admittedly been pent up for a while, because of him.
I let Henry's lips lead me in the kiss, allow for his mouth to get to know mine, all the while his hands continue their torturous massage on my thighs, soft moans erupting from my lips into his.
"Alice where'sâholy fucking mother of shit!"
Henry and I immediately broke away from the kiss, our faces reflected the same thing: this wasn't how he was meant to meet my sister. In fact, we had it all planned, that's what the cookies were for.
Angelica's voice grew distant as I assumed she ran away. "There's this thing called a bedroom you know! For privacy so you know, sisters don't walk in on crap like this!" I turned my head in time to see her exit the kitchen and speed to the stairs.
"Do you want cookies?" I called to her in desperation.
"Not if you're going to have sex in the kitchen I don't!"
I made a face, she certainly had a point. I shifted my attention back to Henry who looked after Angelica with a fragmented expression.
"Oops?" He offered, stepping back to offer me a hand off the counter, which I grabbed thankfully.
"Make the cake batter, I better go check on her and see what she wanted before she walked in on her big sister exchanging saliva with a stranger."
Frowning, I felt a bit embarrassed Angelica saw me acting like that, I was supposed to be a role model to her, and instead I was caught making out with a boy I wasn't even sure I genuinely liked on the kitchen counter.
The least I could've done is made out with a boy I really did likeâ like Chris Pine or something.
I exited the kitchen and was halfway up the stairs when the doorbell rang. Distractedly with my foot on the last step of the stairs, I called out to Henry. "Can you answer the door and keep them talking till I get there?"
I heard his muffled 'sure' as I stepped into Angelica's room. She was laying on her bed, kindle in hand as she munched through some In-N-Out fries. "So who was that?" She said immediately, casually tossing her kindle on the blanket beside her.
Stealing a fry from the paper bowl, I winked. "That's Henry Davidson, potentially my first boyfriend Angelica. We were making you cookies before you walked in on us."
Angelica snorted with laughter. "You're sick Alice. I've never made out with any of the boys I was talking to in the fucking kitchen. Besides," she frowned. "I always thought Eros was going to be your first boyfriend."
My breath hitched: Ryder and Angelica, they were the closest people to me, and in turn, could see right fucking through me. "Eros is talking to someone." I said simply, standing. "What did you want when you came down?"
She waved me off. "Doesn't matter anymore, and who's he talking to? Claire? She doesn't date anyone for longer than two weeks, you should've just waited it out."
For someone who did want Eros, I was getting ridiculously sick of people dragging Claire just because I had wanted Eros. So what? The entire school also wanted Eros, what the heck made me special?
"She really likes Eros."
Angelica turned to me with a disbelieving face. "Yeah and I'm in love with Ryder."
I pursed my lips at her.
"Alice!" Henry's voice cut into my sister and I's conversation. "I think you outta come down!"
"Your boyfriend's calling you," Angelica lifted the kindle back to her face. "Better not keep him waiting."
I rolled my eyes but still turned and jogged down the stairs, lifting my head and then stood frozen on the second to last step, staring at Eros.
He stood in my doorway looking bored as he casually leant up against the banister, eyes moving from Henry to me, "I texted you," he said emotionlessly, flashing me his cell phone. "Didn't know you had company though." His gaze lingered malevolently on Henry, who smiled politely at Eros as though he were a friend.
He was anything but.
"What's up?" I took the final steps down, trying to act as casual as possible even though I wanted to cuss Eros outâ we were supposed to be avoiding each other and showing up at my doorstep while I was trying to develop a relationship with someone he hated wasn't that.
His eyes grew taunting and he smirked down at me, eyes flickered to Henry. "So you guys dating now?"
I felt Henry come beside me, sensing the unease that entered the room, wrapping an arm around me as if he could protect me from the monster in Eros.
As fucking if.
"We aren't putting a label on it just yet Zane," Henry shot out defensively, taking a step forward so my body was half covered by his body. "What is it you came for?"
Eros chuckled, "Calm down Davidson," he rolled his eyes. "No need to get defensive, I came to give Alice this."
His tone was taunting, and from the glint in his eyes, I was intimidated of what would happen. He walked forward toward us, stepping through the threshold of the house, pausing, his black clothing pale against his skin and his silver necklace stood out in stark contrast.
The room itself seemed to recede with fear, the pale walls shortening and the presence of Eros ever greater.
My eyes landed on the expensive looking white envelope he held in a ringed handâRyder's birthday party invitation.
He offered it to me but I just stared at it. "Why couldn't Ryder give this to me himself?"
Eros shrugged. "He gave me Claire's and yours to hand deliver. You can ask him yourself if you want. It's for you and Angelica, not sure if Davidson is invited as well."
I glanced up at Eros nervously and quickly pulled the thick invitation from his veiny hands, desperate to avoid skin-to-skin contact with him, desperate to keep myself in check, knowing that if I spent too much time in his presence, things could become dire fast.
He regarded the envelope in my hand with a stare, and stepped back, hand on the doorknob, uncannily closer to the two of us. He cleared his throat and looked up to me, some of his defenses melting.
Eros had for so long, represented something different for me. He was never the villain of my story, he was the light and counsel.
But nowâ Eros was no longer a star in my night sky.
He was the night.
"Can I talk to Alice really quick?"
Startled, Henry and I exchanged glances. This wasn't our plan for a Sunday evening, the evening before school started again. This was going to be the last time I could see Henry for a while, his parents found out why he was making so many trips to California and frankly, disapproved wholly.
I didn't exactly blame themâ instead of focusing on business, he had visited me at least seven times.
"Yeah," I pulled myself out of Henry's arms and stepped outside, glancing back to him once more before shutting the door on his pretty face.
This couldn't be good.
Facing forward, I watched as Eros walked to the edge of my porch and looked out, to the mediocre lawn and street, empty but his car parked on the curb.
"Why aren't we friends?" From his tone, he seemed genuinely confused and that only spiked a growing annoyance in me.
"You're joking right?"
He shook his head.
"We aren't friends because no matter how we try to control ourselves we are two raging horny teenagers that are susceptible to one another. And since we both have people that want us, we have to stay away from each other so that sexual tension can't even be tempted."
Eros laughed and shook his head in disbelief. "It's hard," he admitted. "Especially when there's no one in the world like you."
My annoyance burst.
"Bullshit Eros! You keep saying that and it's complete and utter horse shit. Stop trying to cover up the fact that you made a connection with another girlâ it's okay to admit that Eros! You don't have to be this unattainable boy anymore!"
His eyes glinted, lips thinning into nonexistence.
"I like you and Ryder. And I don't plan on changing that."
"You need to stop acting like Ryder and I are one-of-a-fucking-kind! We aren't! You think we are the only ones in this town with a fucked up past? With dead parents and parents that don't care? Half the fucking city is like that!" I growled in frustration.
"But you're the ones that matter to me! You're the real ones."
"No Eros. You became friends with us out of convenience. Ryder persisted on being your friend and you let him in because despite what you say about your indifference to the world you're a fucking people-person. Everyone who meets you loves you and you love them right back. Need I remind you of Aria? The tattoo artist? Your friends in Santa Cruz?"
Eros remained quiet, a distant reminder of the relationship between us before the Gala, before he admitted that we would be friends. This is what our future look like: a recessed Eros.
"If Ryder had another girl tutor him, she'd be the one to befriend you, she'd be the one to kiss you first, and she'd be the one you had to avoid because you two wouldn't want to risk your friendship. And that's okay. You just need to come to terms with the fact that your facade of being indifferent to everyone but Ryder and I isn't out of us being different. It's because Ryder saw you, and he saw a boy that needed a friend. And because you needed one, you let him in."
I watched as Eros' grip on the white banister of the porch tightened, his knuckles pale and his rings digging painfully into his skin. He avoided my gaze and looked forward to the houses around us, my neighbors that consistently wondered if my father was okay and if Angelica and I were safe.
"I'm not sure what's more pathetic. The fact that you think I became friends with you and Ryder because I was lonely, or because," he glanced over to me. "You don't think you aren't the rarest star in my eyes."
My eyes shut and I swallowed the saliva that accumulated in my mouth. I didn't want to look at him, I didn't want to feel like I did, as though he could do no wrong in my eyes, I didn't want to feel like I wanted to kiss him at this very moment. Why must he make this so fucking difficult?
I spoke through clenched teeth, "This is why we can't be friends Eros. Because despite everything, I still want you."
I opened my eyes.
He looked sad. "And we can't have that. We can't have a friendship with these feelings and we certainly can't have a relationship because I'm not ready for thatâ not with you."
"But you are with Claire," my voice was hushed, because no matter how much Eros didn't mean for his words to hurt, they definitely hurt.
Eros shrugged. "She doesn't know everything. She's not that invested and nor am I. So if I lose her, it'll be hard sure, but I'll get over it. With you, we're bonded in ways I don't think I'll ever be with anyone else. And I can't bear losing you."
A few words rung in my ears, She doesn't know everything, and my face grew hot, but not because Eros was flattering me, because I felt guilt ebbing into my system. I told Claire and Luna about Eros, about his pain. If he knew that she knew, maybe losing her would be more difficult, because she was learning to understand. Or probably, Eros would kill me for telling them that information.
"You have lost me," I spoke after a few moments of guilty silence. "And maybe it's for the best."
His fingers twisted around his rings. "I haven't lost you Alice. I know I haven't because somehow we always find our way back to each other, and maybe someday, maybe in a few months or something, we'll be ready for what we could be. And then we'll stay together."
I swallowed the tears burning in the back of my eyes. I have cried over Eros one too many times, and I wouldn't do it again.
"I'll settle for one day Eros Zane."
He smiled, it was a small smile, no teeth, but it brightened the world and I felt that anything and everything was possible. He had that effect, and I pondered if it was just me that felt that he did that, or if Eros Zane was genuinely a person whose smile could change your day.
Eros stepped back on the steps of my porch now and spoke once more, voice husky and low, meant for me, "To one day, Alice Amelie Black."
With my hand on the door handle, I glanced at it, and then back to him, needing to leave but wanting to stay.
"What's your middle name Eros?"
He lifted a brow. "Jacob."
Eros Jacob Zane. Even in my head, it sounded like the sexiest thing ever. I gave him a wave.
"To one day, Eros Jacob Zane."
Without a glance back, I shut the door, squeezing my eyes shut so I couldn't see Henry's intrusive stare, I just wanted to feel Eros' presence that was just beyond the door, feel the separation between us.
If only it were just the door that kept Eros and I apart.
â¦