Summertime sadness was no joke that year.
It was never fun, but in the years past, at least Dalia knew what to expect. That year, there were so many new variables that made her head spin. She didn't know how to attach all the new working parts, so she just left them in their respective bags.
School had been out for over a month, and even though she was closer to her junior year than her sophomore year, it felt like summer was going to last forever. The days had all been blurring together, she was running out of movies to watch, and she was growing more and more irritated with her parents.
It felt like she was moving backward, but in reality, she was going through the worst type of growing pains.
She'd been relegated to her bedroom and forced to reflect on life as it was. The only problem was, she wasn't doing much reflecting. She was using books and movies to feed into her escapism until school was back in session and she was forced to face her problems head-on.
Wendy and she had an unspoken agreement that they were not talking to each other until further notice; their rough patch was never medicated, and neither of them was making any moves to do such. Dean decided he'd stay out of grown folks' business. His idea of staying out of that was also dodging Dalia and keeping Wendy happy. She could respect that.
Julia Ramirez was still the great Julia Ramirez. Dalia just couldn't frequent her when she knew that her situation with Wendy still was in shambles. She couldn't help but feel as though she took wine from Wendy's glass and poured it into Julia's. Her guilt was secretly eating her alive, but she would never say that.
Those days, she didn't frequent anybody. She'd shoot a generic text out and continue dully existing. She had not tried any new hobbies or made any new messes.
She was learning to accept changes, finally, and all that came to a halt when her parents put her on lockdown. The societal timeclock had started ticking again like it always did. She wished the batteries could have stayed dead for a little while longer.
The one positive about punishment was that it disallowed her from developing any more sentiment towards Lawrence. Even if she didn't care about her parents' consequences, she did fear the consequences of her emotional impulses. She didn't want to embarrass herself, and she knew that if she kept going the way she was, she would.
It hurt, but she knew that it would hurt more if she waited around and let them leave her. So she did the job for them. Everyone left at some point, for something or someone that was more important to them.
"I''m turning into my mother."
She had a bag of Hershey's kisses in the bed with her as she stared blankly at her TV. Her room was clean. It wasn't because she cleaned it; it was because she never left her bed. She'd hung some new pictures up the first week of her grounding-- that was when she still had some zest left over from her strike against authority. She even painted her room a new peach color. Break had started pretty fresh.
Through her thin-wire glasses, she looked at the picture of herself that she'd framed and hung on her wall. It was one of the ones Lawerence had forced her to take. She looked down at her stained t-shirt and back up at the picture and felt an extreme wave of guilt. She had let herself go.
It's my parents' fault. They have me locked up and sad. Maybe it'll all go away when the summer ends.
Then, Julia's voice rang in her head.
"You don't have to leave your world to find something great."
She stared at the picture on the wall and thought about how beautiful she'd felt when she saw it for the first time. She felt beautiful looking at it then, despite the pizza splotch that sat right on top of her baby blue shirt. That picture was a part of her world, and it was definitely something great. What made it even better was that it came from someone great.
But her four walls weren't the limits to her world. Wendy and Dean were a part of her world; a really big part of it, at that. Wendy had been there forever, but Dean was new. Julia was new. Lawrence was new. Joy and Glee was new.
Dalia realized then that she had control over what came in and out of her world. It was hers to build and maintain. It could be whatever she wanted it to be.
Then she realized that it was too little, too late.
She had pushed everyone out of her world for over a month, and she knew how disgusting it would be to reappear after all of that.
Then she remembered who she was.
She started feeling around her bed comforter in search of her phone. Her eyes never left the wall hanging.
"Siri, call Wendy," she spoke.
The phone rang and rang. Her adrenaline calmed as the ringing continued, as she didn't think she'd get an answer. In that case, she'd just hang up.
The ringing stopped abruptly, and Dalia's heart rate increased to more than it had started at.
Wendy's voice came from the other end.
"Hey, this is Wendy Bleu. Sorry I couldn't catch you when you--"
Dalia hit the "end call" button and threw her phone back onto her bed.
She looked around and out of the glass. It was dark outside.
She got up, threw her shirt from her body, and replaced it. Her hair looked a hot mess, but that was nothing new. It would do.
As she paced around her room, she tried to formulate some type of resolution. She didn't want to call Dean. That would be so messy, and borderline disrespectful. It was 1 in the morning.
Julia had a strict curfew, so she'd be no good.
She walked over to her bed and picked her phone up from it. Her thumb hovered over the contact "Photographer Dude."
Her thumb hit her phone screen with uncalled-for aggression, and the phone started ringing, yet again. Her heart sped up again. The ringing stopped, and there was nobody on the other line. Of course Lawrence hadn't changed his voice message from the automated one.
She quietly walked downstairs, where the kitchen was dark and empty. She eyed her dad's car keys on the kitchen table.
Maybe...
She picked them up and held them in front of her face.
Her cell started ringing out of nowhere and it made her drop the keys back onto the table. There was too much noise going on; she'd be busted in no time.
She looked back and forth between her phone and the keys on the table before scurrying to hit "accept."
"Uh, yes, is this Lawrence Jake speaking?" she whispered.
You know it's Lawrence Jake speaking. Why was that ever necessary?
"I think the better question is, is this Dalia Glees speaking? I haven't heard from her in a while, and she randomly called my phone."
There went that feeling.
"Yes, it is. Hi Lawrence."
"Hi Dalia."
Dalia stalled for a second in an attempt to find the words to say.
"Is there a reason you've called me at 2 AM, and why you're whispering?"
"Yes. Can you come get me?"
"Your parents loosened your chains?"
"No. Just come!"
Dalia hit the end call button and hoped that she had made herself clear enough.
Lawrence's Thunderbird smelled like him... so much.
She looked at him drive. It was dark, and the streetlights would catch onto his face from time to time. Looking at him made her want to cry.
Time heals all, am I right?
She adjusted in her seat. "Thank you, I know this is all of a sudden. I probably took you by surprise, asking you to come get me like that."
She looked out the windows at the huge buildings. It was beautiful passing through the city. Wendy lived on the other side of it.
"I'm not surprised, Lia." He said as he looked over at her.
She felt his eyes and looked back at him as he moved his glance back to the road. "Why not? I thought I was unpredictable and shit."
He laughed a little bit. He was clearly tired.
"Girl, do you know how much you've asked me to do something random by now? Last time we hung out, you suggested that we go zip lining. That doesn't even make sense."
"It made sense at the time."
"Right, and what else?"
Dalia contemplated proving his point even further. She was enjoying talking to him so much that she couldn't stop herself.
"If you hadn't called back, I was going to steal my dad's car and take matters into my own hands."
Lawrence cocked his head towards her. "Yo, you serious?"
"I am."
"You know Uber is a thing."
"Yes, I know. But I realized recently that as much as I think I act based on what makes sense, I can't help but let my heart lead the way."
Lawrence was silent.
"And your heart led you here?"
Dalia deflected. "It's leading me to Wendy's house, and I appreciate you for being my lifeline to get there. I've been a bad friend, and I promised myself that I would never be a bad friend again."
"You been a bad friend to me, but I guess it's fuck me, huh?"
Dalia went quiet.
"What's up with the constant ghosting?"
"I don't like relying on people, like at all. And I've been meeting and befriending a lot of new people recently, and it's a lot to handle. It's hard, being consistent and whatnot. It always feels like something's going to go wrong, or I'm going to end up embarassing myself."
"I feel you, more than you know. But at some point you gotta hang that shit up. You know you gotta be hurting Wendy. You've been doing her even worse than me. That's your best friend."
Dalia didn't want to talk about Wendy any more. She was already on the way to her house.
"Your hair looks crazy," she said instead. Lawrence went along with it.
"I didn't even notice."
"I like it."
The car was silent. It seemed like every light was catching them, too.
"You know, Lawrence?" she began.
"Lia?"
"I think you're beautiful. No funny shit, and in the most wholesome way possible."
"Ditto. But you knew that already. Glad to see the feeling's mutual." he said without removing his gaze from the road.
They both laughed a little bit. After that, they had nothing more to say to each other so they sat in comfortable silence. Dalia was glad she had finally been able to give him one of the many compliments she gave him in her head. She meant it.
She was glad he had to keep his eyes on the road because if he looked at her again she thought she just might combust. She'd never seen him that way. He had on a tank top and his shorts that he loved so much. His hair was a mess and he had on slides instead of shoes. He looked rough but smelled so good.
Closing her eyes, she let it overwhelm her for the rest of the way to the Bleu's estate.
The house was dark, but Wendy's room light was on.
"Stay?" she asked Lawrence. She needed to have a ride if things went left.
"You know it."
She took a deep breath. Lawrence reached out a lazy hand and touched her knee cap to console her.
"Don't do that."
He moved it onto the seat next to her, which didn't help much at all, and said, "Hey, that's your friend. She hasn't forgotten that."
"Thanks, bud." She patted his hand and got out of the car. She'd rather face a seething Wendy than deal with the thick ass air in that car.
She walked over to Wendy's bedroom window and stood below it. For a second, she considered grabbing a rock and chucking it at the window to be dramatic.
Not a good idea. You're being dramatic enough under here like you're about to serenade her.
She pulled her phone out and called Wendy while she flashed her camera light at the window.
After some seconds, Dalia saw the blinds move a little bit before they snapped back into place. So that was the game she was playing.
Dalia strutted over to the front door and held her finger down on the doorbell. She knew Wendy's dad wouldn't be too happy about being woken from his sleep, but desperate times called for desperate measures. She wasn't leaving without a fight.
As she expected, Mr. Bleu came to the door in his pajamas, looking confused and irritated.
Part of his irritation came from seeing Dalia at his doorstep, and the other half came from Wendy yelling at him not to open the door.
"Don't tell me what to do like you pay the bills, Bleu," he shouted at her before rubbing his eyes.
"What do you want?"
"For you to let me in, duh Mr. Bleu. I never come here to just stand."
He looked back at his daughter, who was threatening him with her eyes and let Dalia in anyway.
"What the heck, dad!"
"Girl, shut up. It's way too late for you to be making this harder than it has to be," Dalia said as she reached her arms out as to tell Wendy to lead the way.
Wendy snarled at her, but lead the way to her bedroom regardless.
She slammed the door behind Dalia and asked, "What are you doing here? We haven't talked in like two months."
"I think you just answered your own question."
Wendy walked over to her window and pulled the blinds open. "Who's that?"
"Lawrence."
"So that's who you ditched me for."
"You're one to talk, Mrs. Rankson. You ditched me first, let's not forget," Dalia went into the defense. This was not about Lawrence.
Wendy stalled for a little bit before she said, "That's not even the case."
"It's not? I get that Dean's the bro or whatever, but that's only because of you! If y'all break up, we're not going to talk anymore. Y'all have been spending all your time together and rather than pout about it, I simply found other shit to do. I don't see the problem with that."
"You could have said something, Dalia."
"But I chose not to. Y'all can have your fun, it's not that big of a deal."
"But we used to have fun."
They both slouched.
"I know. It's just a lot changing right now and I don't think either of us was expecting it."
"I'm sorry," Wendy said.
"I'm sorry too."
Dalia reached her arms out for a hug with watery eyes. "I love you a lot."
Wendy returned it.
"Don't cry girl," she patted Dalia on the head. She was used to it.
They stood like that for a little bit until Wendy addressed the other elephant in the room. "So is Julia Ramirez replacing me? Because I know some people who know some people that can get her gone real quick."
Dalia stepped back. "No, there's enough space in my world for both of you."
She didn't have to build a world from the ground up; she just had to seize the one that was all around her.
She did that awkward walk on the way back to the car. Lawrence, who she thought might have been sleeping, was awake and looking right at her.
"Could you not do that in the future? I'm trying to walk without any interruptions, you know," she requested.
"Don't touch your kneecaps, don't look at you while you walk, got it."
"Aw man, it seems like I'm uncomfortable around you now," she said. That was true, but she didn't want it to be so obvious.
"I'm joking Dalia," he said as he turned on the light on the car's ceiling. "What happened to you?"
She wiped at the tear stain left on her cheek. "I'm not sad, I promise. Just overwhelmed."
"That's a new one. Talk to me."
"Shut up and drive."
"So you'll do the talking and I'll do the driving? Sounds like a deal to me."
That earned a smile.
"Alright then," he turned the light out and started the engine.
Then her phone started ringing.
Her parents were calling and texting her simultaneously. Since when did they get up in the middle of the night that way?
Oh right. Tanesia.
"Fuck."
"You not about to get me in trouble again, are you?"
"I make no promises," she said as she put her phone on silent and shoved it under her leg. "I can deal with them when I get home. It's no biggie."
"They can't see you in my car again. My job is over with. It's 1 AM Dalia."
"I know, I know," she bit her lip. She would feel like absolute shit if she got Lawrence fired from his job.
"Wait! I can tell them I took an Uber to Wendy's. Her dad would vouch for me, he doesn't know who you are or what your car looks like. Just drop me two houses down and let me handle the rest."
He hit his head on the front of the steering wheel. "Okay, Lia."
He started driving then, and the two let each other sit in their nerves for a while. Lawrence tried turning up the music to ease the tension in the car. It didn't work.
It was thick in there, yet again. The city came into view again, and Dalia tried enjoying it.
Then his phone started ringing.
She feared it was her dad calling Lawrence to interrogate, but it was even worse. There was a woman's name on his phone screen.
Incoming call from Karielle
"Who's Karielle?" she said as she looked at the phone screen light up on the dashboard.
"She goes to my school."
"That's not really what I'm asking."
"A friend?"
"What kind?"
"I don't want to talk about this right now," she could've sworn that she saw him blush under the street lights. The fuck was he blushing for?
"Well, as another one of your friends, I deserve an answer."
I just know you didn't pull that card out.
"Look. We can talk later. Right now, I need to get you home."
With that oh-so-familiar sinking feeling, the girl slouched in her seat and said no more.
Walking in the dark was terrifying.
She sped down her street towards her house; her heart rate increased with every step she took.
How would she get out of this one?
Her parents were waiting on her with the kitchen blinds wide open.
"Where have you been?!" Joanne was the first to speak, naturally.
"I went to Wendy's."
"So tell me, where is Wendy now? I just saw you walk down the block."
"At her house. I took an Uber there."
Joanne looked at John with an exasperated look on her face, trying to find the words to say.
"If this has anything to do with that boy in that Thunderbird..."
Dalia had had it up to there.
"And so what if it did? Not to be rude, but what gives you the authority to dictate me? Because you're my 'mother'? Since when?"
John interjected. "Dalia, don't-"
"No, how about y'all 'don't.' Both of you are absent as fuck and should have nothing to say about my personal choices. I came in at 2 in the morning and y'all don't even know what to say because you don't know basic parenting shit like how to reprimand."
"We pay the bills and put those expensive ass clothes on your back. When we tell you you're not allowed to leave here, that stands." Joanne challened in a stern and low voice.
Dalia pulled her earrings out and threw them. She snatched the expensive nameplate necklace around her throat and chucked that as well. Then she removed her shoes and tossed those. She even took her card out of her purse and discarded it. "I don't give a fuck. I don't care about any of this shit. Take it all back for all I care. I'm doing what I want."
She stormed upstairs and slammed her door as hard as she could.
Then she cried, but that part wasn't as cool as the rest.
-
Lana Del Rey: Summertime Sadness
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