Chapter 37: chapter 37

GOWRIIt takes me two hours for my mind to get clear and for all the negative feelings to subdue down. “Gowri, you didn’t do anything wrong today,” Sara tells in a serious tone stroking my hair as I lay on her lap. She wipes the single tear that falls from my eyes and continues, “There are men like Jay lurking in the world and they tend to treat women as objects that entertain them. Just because of them, please don’t hate every man or feel afraid of them. There are still men who respect women and treat them equally like your father, Dinesh and your husband.”My husband. Shiva.“Shiva will hate me now. He thinks I cheated on him,” I reply as another couple of tears fall from my eyes. Why is the thought that Shiva will hate me affect me this much?“No, he doesn’t,” Sara tells in a soft tone. “He was the one who called me and told me what happened to you. He texted me the house address and wanted me to come here as early as possible. He was apprehensive that you would take some wrong decision.”How the hell did he know that Sara was the one I needed at that time? Yet, a thought is nagging me.“But he could have comforted me himself,” I tell thinking how he maintained a distance from me like I was something revolting. I am being in denial about his care for me. “Would you have felt comfortable with it?”I think about it for a moment. No, definitely no. I felt a strong revulsion to men that I was even on the verge of hating all my closed male relations. I shake my head and stare at the fan. Sara is right. I would have felt nauseate if he had tried to comfort me. At that time, any touch from a male would have been like acid to my body.“And I always thought that the world is a safe place,” I tell in a ludicrous tone.Sara gives an ironic laugh. “It is about time you changed your perspective.”She looks at her phone and sighs, “It is time for me to depart. Or do you want me to stay?”I sit up and shake my head, “I think I will be fine. You head back. I don’t want to drown you with my sadness or newfound hatred for the world.”She playfully pats me on the shoulder. “You know I am not doing this for free. There will be a day when I will be broke and need someone's shoulder.”I grin and reply, “Got it. Anytime.”Her phone rings and I scrunch up my face at the romantic ringtone. It is not rocket science to guess who is calling her. It amazes me how her eyes grow thrilled as she picks up the call. “I will be out in a minute or two,” she replies and gets up from my bed. I too get up.She suddenly surprises me with a hug and tells in a firm tone, “You are strong, remember that.”I give a nod though I don’t fully believe her words. I know it is not my fault but I still couldn't believe it or accept it. A part of me still believes it is my fault.Before heading out of the room, she whispers, “I am happy for you and Shiva. I had my doubts about him but now I am sure he is the perfect man for you. He is really a caring husband. You should have seen how worried he was when I arrived.”I am not sure how to respond to that. Shiva's care is new to me and I am still trying to wrap my mind around it. I walk her out to the doorway. She bids bye and walks to the front porch. I lean on the doorframe and look at the gate. Two men are standing outside the gate speaking.  Dinesh is sitting on his bike. While Shiva is standing with his hands folded. At the approach of Sara, both men pause their conversation and look at her. Shiva thanks Sara but she waves it off. With a few more words exchanged, Sara gets on the bike with Dinesh and they ride off.It is not until Shiva locks the gate and turns towards the house he notices me standing. His face is neutral and he gives me a small smile as he approaches the house.“You are hungry?” he asks.I nod my head.“Then let's have dinner,” he tells.I didn’t realize how hungry I was until the aroma of food tickles my nose. This is the first time we both are having a meal together. The great irony is he had cooked the food. He had made a simple dinner of Dosa and Tomato Chutney.I eat the first Dosa in silence and hunger.  But when I reach for the second one, I can't bear it in me anymore and I blurt out, “You must hate me now.”His face shows surprise at my statement and I refuse to meet his eyes, “Why do you say that?”“Well, because you think that I cheated on you with another man,” I reply looking at the plate and thinking about Jay's lie about me having a romantic relationship with him.“Gowri,” Shiva calls in a soft tone that does something funny to my heart. I nod but don’t dare to look in his eyes. “Gowri, look at me.” I try to lift my head but I can't meet his eyes. I still feel ashamed for what had happened. I hear him huff out a breath.“You don’t have to feel embarrassed about what happened. I know there is nothing between you and Jay. I also know that Jay was lying. Do you think that I am that kind of man who will trust a stranger instead of you?”My heart flutters. He is the first person to say that. He trusts me. Holy God! I have judged him all wrongly.“I know that,” he continues when I am still jumping in joy inside my head about the fact that he trusts me more than a stranger, “you are not the kind of woman to cheat on her husband even if the marriage has no meaning to you.”“Then why didn’t you call out on Jay's lies?” I ask.“At that moment seeing you nearly crushed and powerless, I had only one thought and that was to take you as far as away from that man. You were visibly shaking when I entered the room and I wanted you to be okay.”I nod my head but still couldn’t bring myself to look in his eyes.  I am afraid that this incident hampered our friendship. Oblivious to my thoughts he continues speaking.“I don’t understand how terrible the experience was but you didn't commit any mistake.  It was he who lusted after you. You have no control over his thoughts. So, you didn't do anything. Nothing is your fault. Don't blame yourself.”I nod my head dipping the Dosa piece in the chutney. Somehow hearing those words from him reassures that little part of me that still believes that I am at fault. It is not my fault. I don't nt have to feel like this. That coward should feel small. Not me.When I am sure Shiva is done with speaking, he tells in a soft and sincere tone, “This incident doesn’t change anything I had thought about you. You are still the same Gowri in my eyes.”THOSE WORDS! My heart skips a beat and I finally muster the courage to raise my head and meet his eyes. His eyes hold my gaze. I search his face but I couldn't find anything teasing there. His eyes are serious and sincere as his tone. I keep staring at that pools of carbon black. I break away from our eye contact when I could feel his gaze penetrating all the walls I  create and looking directly at my raw soul. I feel vulnerable and yet at the same time, I feel strong. We both are silent for a few seconds. Then he finally breaks it.“I know our relationship started on a bad foot and you despised me. I was cold to you at the beginning but I am not the same Shiva now. I am trying to change myself. I am not sure if it is to keep the guilt at bay or what but I do truly care about you and it stings me to think that you can't believe that.”I smile at him. The first genuine smile since our argument in the school. “I am sorry about that. I do believe you now,” I tell in a truthful tone.🍀🍀🍀🍀