Jay's P.O.V.
It's early in the morning and I've been awake for who knows how long, unable to fall back asleep after I woke up randomly several hours ago with my head pounding.
And now, I can't get out of my mind an image from yesterday: Ben leaning over me, lips inches from mine, so close I could feel his breath. Bright green eyes flick down to my mouth, and then... he pulls away.
I'd really thought we were going to kiss and now I can't get the picture out of my mind, nonetheless how it made me feel. Talk about an adrenaline rush.
I glance over at his sleeping form next to me, sunlight seeping through the cracks in the blinds and over his body. His limbs are haphazardly strewn about like he fell onto the bed and immediately passed out, even though we climbed into bed at the same time last night and snuggled into the blankets in normal positions.
Maybe I'm crazy... but I want something more with him. Is our connection all in my head?
I stare at the ceiling for several more minutes, but thinking about it more is only driving me crazy. I roll out of bed and tiptoe across the floor to go through the box Alexa brought me a few days ago that's sitting near the closet.
I glance back over at him but he's still dead asleep, something I definitely don't want to interrupt with his insomnia.
I carefully open the box, only to find that it's full of painting supplies. Okay, clearly this box isn't the one she brought me, but where did this come from? I've never seen anything related to painting in Ben's apartment, and he's never mentioned it either.
I pull out a canvas and suck in a breath.
I suppose expectations are made to be broken because the dark colors in this are strongly present. I pull out painting after painting of most of the same, which makes me realize, that maybe he's not doing as well as he's letting on.
"Ben..." I say softly, looking down at the art worriedly, then glancing toward his sleeping form.
There's got to be something I can do. If I could at least get him to talk about it...
I slide the canvases back into the box, debating how to bring it up when he suddenly stirs from the other side of the room.
I hurriedly shove the last things in the box, but clearly, it's a bit too late as a sleepy voice goes, "Jay? What are you doing?"
There's a moment of hesitation on my part, where I consider lying. I could say I was looking through my box and unpacking.
But I care about him more than that. I need to know him better than that.
"Well, I was going to unpack my box, but this isn't mine."
I hear a yawn and his feet pad across the floor until he sits on the floor next to me.
Only the ceiling fan can be heard for a moment, as he just stares at the box, then slowly runs a hand down its side before pulling it in front of him.
I watch as he opens it, eyes seemingly zoned out. Maybe this was a bad idea.
"Ben?"
He pulls a canvas out and stares at it, still not saying a word. Canvas after canvas, and more of the same. He's starting to scare me.
He lands on the final painting and places it carefully on top of the pile he's created. I watch as he puts a hand on top of it, still not saying anything.
When he finally speaks, his voice comes out hushed and rough with emotion. "Yeah... they're mine."
I put a hand gently on his leg and we just sit there together for a moment, basking in the silence. He clears his throat suddenly, abruptly standing up and avoiding eye contact with me. "You're... you're probably hungry. I'll go make breakfast." I can tell he's trying to hold back the emotion in his voice, and it breaks my heart.
"Ben..." I say, and he turns slightly, though his eyes stay fixated on the wall. "I just... I know I'm not always great at emotions, but I'm always here if you want to talk. If you need some space I can go out for a bit too. I can go out and pick up breakfast if you want?" I suggest.
He nods, disappearing down the hall to the living room and I leave him be, putting on my shoes and giving one last glance to his lone figure on the couch before opening the front door and heading outside.
Ben's P.O.V.
I probably could have handled that better, but I just wasn't quite ready to share that side of myself.
It's probably naive of me to think that he'll just know the good parts of me and I'll keep the bad hidden away. He's already been learning more about me, sides I didn't think I'd share with someone so soon after meeting them.
But this feels different. Maybe it's because I'm not quite over it myself.
The door closes behind him and I make my way back to my paintings.
It's funny how looking at brushstrokes can evoke so many feelings in me. But really, I'm just uncovering emotions that are hiding beneath the surface. And maybe I'm doing a bit better than I used to be, but the truth is, every day is often still a struggle.
I pull out another painting, tracing the wisps of darkness emanating from the figure on a cliffside.
Before I even realize it, tears are sliding down my face and dropping onto the artwork. I place it quickly aside and draw in a shuddering breath, trying to keep my emotions at bay. Jay will likely be back with breakfast soon and this isn't a side of me I intended for him to see.
I know it's stupid, but some part of me just wants him to see the good in me. I don't want him to have to be forced with the decision of dealing with all the dark in me, or deciding it's too much for him and leaving me behind.
Because maybe I have improved, but there's still a lot of it inside that even I'm often tired of dealing with. I'm hardly even doing anything and I'm continually mentally and physically exhausted most days just because I can't keep up with myself.
And yes, it's part of me. I know that. But I also don't want to place that burden on someone else.
I hear the front door open and quickly shove everything back into the box and compose myself.
"Ben?" I hear. "I'm back."
I hurriedly stand, pretending to look busy at my desk. He peeks his head around the corner.
"Hey, I brought breakfast. Are you ready to eat?"
"Oh yeah, almost. I'll be out in a bit."
I pack up the box the rest of the way, this time shoving it under the bed and hopefully out of sight, out of mind for the both of us.
Wandering out into the living room, I find that Jay's spread an array of food out on the floor like a picnic, and switched the tv on.
He catches my eye and pats the floor next to him, so I join him.
"I didn't know what you wanted, so I may have gone a little overboard." He admits, rubbing the back of his neck.
A paper bag of pastries from a local bakery sits packed so full it's nearly spilling out onto the brown carpet. On top of that, there's a bag with breakfast burritos from my favorite fast food place and 3 different blended drinks that appear to be smoothies.
"Yeah... this might be a little much." I laugh. "It's fine. We'll bring the extras down to River and Em."
I reach for the bag of burritos and pause. "How did you know these were my favorites?" I say, looking over at him in time to catch the heat rising to his face.
"I may have called River." He says, avoiding my eyes.
I smile. "Well, you hit the nail on the head, even if you did go overboard."
I unwrap my burrito and turn my attention to the tv, where the news is playing.
"And now over to you Rebecca." "Thanks, Walter. Based on recent events, it's come to the attention of many that..."
I don't even realize that I've completely spaced out for several minutes until Jay's waving a hand suddenly in front of my face.
"Hey, you okay?" He asks as I turn toward him, shaking out of my stupor.
"Yeah... yeah sorry. Just spaced out."
I grab the remote for the tv, knowing I'll start spiraling if I tune in to the news any longer.
I switch on a random game show for background noise and shove the last bite of burrito in my mouth before standing.
"I'm going to go get ready, then we can head down to the festival," I say, gesturing down the hall.
He gives me a thumbs-up, mouth stuffed too full of muffin to speak.
I head to the bedroom and start pulling out clothes to change into.
You would think that I'd be more decisive at this point, but honestly, it always takes me too long to pick out clothes. The only consistency is throwing on my converse and a jean jacket.
And sure, it doesn't matter that much what I'm wearing. But especially when Jay's around, I become particularly aware of what I'm wearing.
After a long internal debate, I pull out some black ripped jeans and a green tee to pair with my converse before quickly getting dressed and making an attempt to fix my hair so I look somewhat presentable.
I wander back out to the living room to find Jay finishing the last bite of his muffin while staring spaced out at the tv.
"Hey, you ready?" I ask, pulling him out of his trance.
He blinks a few times, looking at me. "Yeah, sorry."
We head out the door and walk out into a perfect day. The sun's out enough to cast warm rays on the skin, giving warmth while the softest breeze tickles the skin in a whisper.
I should be overjoyed at the perfect weather, but for some reason, I feel a bit off today and not like myself. There's an unsettling feeling swirling around in my mind, something holding me back from enjoying the beautiful day to its fullest, even if I am glad to be spending it with Jay.
We walk down the sidewalk, steps in sync as we pass colorful booths displaying accessories, home decor, and fried food.
It seems like everyone in town had the same thought, and is taking advantage of a day to browse the local booths and shops since the weather is so nice.
We head into the bookstore, the bell chiming as we step in the door. Some part of me hoped it would still be slow, but people are buzzing about in every direction, and River and Em are swamped at the registers with a line of people while a whole additional line waits with questions. Raina is across the store, trying to hurriedly shelf books and clean up stacks as she also prevents a pair of toddlers from touching the mugs.
I survey the scene and grab Jay's hand, pulling us over to behind the registers.
"We'll cash people out. You guys help the ones with questions." I say, slipping behind a screen and shoving them out from behind the counter.
I check the first person in line out, quickly walking Jay through the simple payment process and letting him handle the second line.
I can feel my anxiety rising at the swarm of people flitting around the store, but try to block it out as I focus on helping people pay.
Usually, it's a short period of low anxiety, but instead, it's only rising and my hands are starting to shake. It's just as my brain starts to shut down that I suddenly realize I never took my anxiety meds this morning.