"Jay?" He asks. I awkwardly break eye contact.
"Uh, yep coming sorry." I take his hand and he helps me out of the car, shutting the door and walking side by side with me as we go into the apartment building.
He stifles a yawn as he unlocks the door.
"I'm going to get a snack, do you want anything?" He asks, rifling through the fridge.
I shake my head and stretch. "No, I'm going to take a shower." I toe the carpet, hesitating. "Could... could I borrow some clothes?"
He peeks around the fridge door. "Yeah, of course. That reminds me, Alexa said she'd bring your stuff by sometime, but I should probably call her to set up a time so we know someone's here to let her in. You have any preference for a specific day?"
I bite my lip. "Just... later this week."
He nods, going back to searching the fridge. "I'll just call her while you shower. Also, if you put your clothes outside the door I'll throw them in the wash with my stuff. I'm behind on laundry."
"Okay." I go down the hall to his bedroom and sift through the closet, finding a hoodie.
After a bit of digging through his dresser drawer I manage to find some lounge pants that match well enough, before going to undress in the bathroom, turning the shower on to let the water warm up.
I toss my dirty clothes outside the door and step into the shower, letting the hot water run down my body.
I can't help but start to overthink. I have cancer. Why would Ben want me to stay here? He'd have to take care of me all the time, and I don't even have a job.
How am I supposed to pay for anything? I can't just leech off Ben forever, I'm already feeling guilty.
I sigh, running my fingers through my shampoo-covered hair.
I have to find a job. At this point, anything that will help pay the bills. I can't depend on other people forever.
Of course, that phrase makes me think of Lex. I need to tell her somehow, but she's got enough problems of her own without worrying about mine.
I should tell her, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do so yet.
I rinse, shutting off the shower before I step out and start to dry off and get dressed.
A wave of dizziness suddenly passes over me and I clutch onto the edge of the counter while frowning. It passes after a few moments, and I continue getting dressed, pulling on the pants I borrowed from Ben.
Unfortunately, another wave follows, and even after it fades I realize I'm feeling extremely lightheaded.
I lean heavily over the counter with my head down and take a few deep breaths, but it doesn't change.
I scrunch my eyes closed for a second and then decide to sit on the floor for a bit, hoping it will pass.
I bite my lip. Maybe I should just call for Ben. I tilt by head back against the cabinet and sigh. If I do that, he'll worry more.
I spend about 10 minutes just sitting on the floor before I finally give in and just shout his name. "Ben?"
I hear a clatter in the kitchen and then, "Just a sec!"
I hear his footsteps come down the hall before he raps on the door.
"I'm here. What's up?"
"Just kinda lightheaded, could you bring me some water?" I ask.
"Yeah, if you're not already sitting down then do so. I'll be right back." He says, the sound of his footsteps fading down the hall.
He knocks on the door again a moment later. "I'm guessing you're not going to want to get up, so give me a minute to try to unlock the door from this side."
I listen to him fidgeting with the doorknob for a while until the lock finally springs and he opens the door, holding a glass of water and... a paintbrush?
I raise an eyebrow at him. He gestures to the doorknob as he hands me the glass of water. "Had to stick the end of the handle in the door to unlatch it." He says, shrugging as he sits down next to me on the floor.
I take a few sips of the water before I set the glass on the floor.
"Why do you even have such a small paintbrush?" I ask him.
He looks away. "Oh, I used to paint."
"Used to?" I question.
He nods, still avoiding my gaze.
"Okay." I say, dropping the subject.
"Alexa said she'd bring some of your stuff by the day after tomorrow." He comments. I nod. "She's also bringing Devon so he can help carry stuff." I sigh. "Okay."
Ben pauses, looking into my eyes. "Are you alright?"
I look away. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just don't know if I'm ready to tell them yet."
He nods in understanding. "You know, you don't have to tell them then. You're allowed to have your own processing time. You can wait if you want."
I lay my head on his shoulder, fiddling with my fingers. "Guess it just feels like if I don't tell them yet, then I'm going behind their backs to keep something from them."
"Hey." He says. I look up to meet his eyes.
"It's okay to focus on you first. This isn't an easy thing for anyone to process, by any means. If it takes for you to get more comfortable about it first in order to speak with them, then so be it."
He hugs me and I lean into it, relishing the feeling of being so close to him, if only for a few moments.
We pull apart and he stands, offering out his hand to help me up. "Let's go to bed, yeah?"
I nod and take his hand, getting pulled to my feet. The room spins for a moment but he steadies me and we make our way down the hall and into bed.
I lay under the covers in silence for several hours, unable to turn off my brain and dispel all drifting thoughts.
Ben's words come to mind. "You're allowed to have your own processing time." "It's okay to focus on you first."
The words are freeing, yet I can't help but feel guilty. It feels like all I've done is put myself first. Shouldn't I be focusing more on the people around me?
I turn onto my side, looking over at Ben who is sleeping peacefully for once. Even with his bright green eyes hidden, I'm drawn to him.
But doesn't he deserve better? It seems like others are always putting me first but I'm not doing enough for them.
Ben has completely taken me in and helped me through the rocky terrain that's become my life lately.
What have I even done in return?
I drift for a few hours between a hazy half awake state and staring at the ceiling with thoughts drifting in and out of the emptiness of my brain.
After ending up tossing and turning for a period of time, I finally just decide to get out of bed for a while.
I climb out from under the covers and wander down the hall, glancing at the clock and finding that it's 6 in the morning.
After a moment of indecision, I slip on my shoes and leave a quick note, heading out into the morning air to clear my head.
The sun hasn't risen quite yet, but the sky has lightened enough to suggest that a sunrise is on the horizon.
A cool breeze floats through the air, and I belatedly realize that I should've grabbed a jacket.
I ignore the goosebumps forming on my limbs and instead give into the desire to run.
I jog down the sidewalks in the cool morning air, reminiscent of what used to be a routine morning run.
The streets are quiet in these early hours, one of the things I like best and find myself missing.
The scenery and the slap of my feet as they hit the pavement join with the adrenaline coursing through my body, allowing me to be momentarily distracted from all my thoughts.
Just as the sun rises over the edge of the street, I arrive at the edge of the park Ben and I came across the other day.
I find a bench to sit down for a few moments, watching the striking appearance of the golden rays.
A worn truck filled with fruit comes down the street, slowly puttering along before shivering to a halt with a cough.
The grayed man in the driver's seat repeatedly turns the key to no avail, finally coming around to the hood and popping it open.
I stand and slowly walk over, my breathing from the run still slightly erratic.
"Car trouble?" I ask. He turns and I take in his weathered features and kind smile.
"Looks like it. Luckily I've just got a few more blocks to go, so if it comes to worst I'll just carry the crates over myself." He says, gesturing toward the bed of his run-down truck.
After tinkering under the hood for a few more minutes, he has me turn the key for him, but it only results in a sputtering noise.
"Guess I'm out of luck today. Thanks anyway." He says, going around to the back.
"I could help you carry the crates." I suggest.
"Oh, I don't want to bother you. I'm sure you've got better things to do."
I think back to tossing around in bed all night and shake my head, picking up a crate.
We haul the boxes of fruit back and forth from the truck to a stand not far from Ben's apartment.
"Well, I do appreciate it." He says, stacking the last crate onto a pile and brushing his hands on his overalls.
"By the way, name's Darren." He says, holding out a hand to me.
"Jay." I say, shaking it.
"Well Jay, I reckon you deserve a little reward for all that hard work." He digs through a few crates, finally pulling out a bag and adding some fresh apples and peaches to it.
I reach for my pocket to pay, but he stops me. "No, no. I don't need any of that. Besides, that's not the reason I do this anyway."
He hands me the bag and I sit down on a nearby empty crate, pulling out an apple to munch on.
"Why do you then?" I ask, taking a bite.
The fruit gives with a crisp crunch, and the sweetness surprises me.
He smiles. "My wife Gertrude and I started this business 45 years ago, soon after we first got married. Her passion is baking, and I just love to see the smile that lights up her face when I bring a fresh basket of fruit to the house in the morning.
Throughout the seasons we have groups of school kids visit the orchard, and their awe at the beauty of the place just lights up my heart. In the fall the little ones will go pumpkin hunting for the biggest one they can find, even though they can hardly carry it. I guess just seeing people happy makes me happy." He replies with a thoughtful smile.
He shakes his head. "We fell on hard times after a rough harvest a few months back, and I don't know what we would've done without the community. I've gotten to know everyone in the area, and I guess when you give happiness they try to give you some back."
He arranges a row of fresh apples on the stand and smiles at me.
"I'm just glad I can be a part of their community and be there for them too."
Darren sits on a crate. "On that note, what's troubling you?"