I was sitting with Sadie in her bedroom. She was sitting in front of me with her back to me, and I was braiding her hair down her back. God, I hadn't done this in forever. I tied off her braid and smiled at my handiwork.
"Richelle," Sadie said, her voice panicked. "Richelle."
"What?" I asked. "Calm down, Sadie. What is it?"
"I don't have it," Sadie said, feeling all around her.
"What?" I asked. "What don't you have?"
"My necklace," Sadie said. "The necklace. From Eva. I can't find it."
"Okay, did you come home with it?" I asked, trying to calm my tone.
"I don't think so," Sadie's breaths came out quickly and panicked.
I tried to subdue the anxiety inside of me. "Okay. So let's ask Mom if she has it. I'll go ask."
I got up and planted my real foot, and my prosthetic and went to go find my mother. "Mom, do you have Sadie's locket?"
"No, I don't think so," Mom said and started digging through her purse. "What does it look like?"
"It's a blue and gold heart-shaped locket," I said. I held up mine. "It looks like this, only gold instead of silver."
Mom nodded and kept searching.
Sadie leaned her head on my shoulder and looked up at me. "What if I lost it? What if I lost one of the only pieces of Eva I have left?"
I stroked her long, blonde hair and leaned my head on hers. "I will do everything in my power to get that necklace back, Sadie. I promise."
"I know you will," Sadie said. "What if it's gone for good and it's all my fault?"
"Sadie, I won't stop until we do find it," I said. "And even if we don't find it, it would never be your fault. You were in a car accident. Eva would have known that it wasn't your fault if she was here."
If she was here. The words I've wrestled with for years.
Sadie leaned into me and I wrapped my arms around her. "I want Eva," she whispered.
"I know," I said. "I know."
"I lost it," Tears started flowing down Sadie's cheeks. "I lost it. Aunt Stephanie was right. I lost one of the only pieces of my sister I have left."
I took a deep breath. "You want to know something?"
"What?" Sadie asked, her voice thick.
"When Eva first gave me my locket, I lost it too," I said. "But you went longer without losing it. I lost it after a month. Eva was so upset with me she wouldn't speak to me for a week. We had a huge falling out. So I stole hers just to teach her a lesson."
"Really?" Sadie asked.
I nodded. "Really. Sades, sisters aren't perfect. We got my necklace back, and we'll get yours back too." I fingered my locket. "You want to see what's inside?"
Sadie's eyes lit up. "Can I?"
I opened up my locket and let the little piece of paper fall into my hand. Then I read it off to Sadie. I had never done this before. The note was the most precious thing I had. But Sadie deserved to know I didn't blame her. So I took a deep breath and read:
Things I Love About Richelle
She can sing amazingly and make people listen to her
She loves with everything she has and she knows that that is the only real way to love.
She's pretty much got this 'life' thing covered, even if I don't have a clue.
Love you, Richelle. -Eva Ann Cleveland
My mother made me go to the hospital after physical therapy for that stupid volunteer thing. The real reason I didn't want to do it? I didn't want to be anywhere near the hospital. It's where I lost my sister, it's where I lost my leg, what reason would I have to go back voluntarily?
Of course, this isn't voluntary, at least not with my mother, but still. Shasta had already been pre-certified to see approved patients in the hospital. Sadie used to do this after school with Shasta.
"Richelle Cleveland?" Ms. Riley, the volunteer coordinator, smiled at Mom and I. "You'll be working with two other kids."
Great. I stood on crutches, with Shasta's leash wrapped around my wrist. She didn't pull and strain on her leash, so Mom figured I could take her as long as I could handle her.
My eyes widened, staring at Miles. Oh great. This was just going to be utterly delightful with that kid around. Jocelyn George, a girl I vividly remembered as the most annoying thing on the planet stood next to him. Even more great. My life was about to get better. Yay. Barf.
"Hey, who's this?" Jocelyn asked, reaching her hand toward Shasta, who coiled away from her and raised the corner of her mouth, letting out a growl.
"Shasta," I said. "Her name is Shasta."
"Cool name," Jocelyn said. "I never did catch your name."
"Richelle."
"Cool. So why are you here?" Jocelyn asked. "Cause I've been volunteering for a while by myself."
"It's closer to Christmas and it's getting colder out so we usually dress up and sing Christmas songs to the kids," Jocelyn said, as we walked toward the volunteer room.
"Uh-huh," Miles said. He held tightly to Conrad's harness as he followed Jocelyn.
Jocelyn led us to the costume closet and grabbed a funny green elf costume that had so many bells it jingled when she pulled it off the rack.
"Take anything you want," she told me. But before I could even begin, she picked up a Santa dress from the rack. "It's like a Christmas in July type thing. Oh, you could rock this!"
My mind flashed back to a memory of Eva and my eighth Christmas.
Eva twirled around in her Santa dress and giggled as it rippled out around her.
I sat in a chair, dangling my legs out and watching my sister's joy.
Eva finally grabbed my hands and pulled me up, spinning us both around.
"Come on, Richelle!" She pulled me to our bedroom and in front of the mirror. She put her arm around my shoulder and I looked in the mirror. "I think you're cuter," She finally said.
I stared at the mirror. We were both dressed in identical Santa dresses, both our hair hung in curls, and we were identical twins.
I giggled. "We're twins. What are you talking about?"
Eva shrugged. "You look cuter. I don't know why."
She took my arms and flung me on the bed, then she launched herself on next to me.
That was the best Christmas since Eva died, because it was the Christmas before Eva got sick.
I blinked back into reality, looking at the dress Jocelyn was holding. I glanced down at my prosthetic leg. Wearing a dress exposed my prosthetic leg for all to see.
I shook my head, coiling away from the dress, swallowing a lump in my throat. "No. No. I'm not wearing that. Not in a million years."
"Richelle, just do it," Jocelyn said.
"No," I said. "It's not happening."
Jocelyn sighed exasperatedly. "It's just a dress. It's not that big of a deal."
"It is to me," I snarled.
Jocelyn groaned and turned to Miles.
"I'm not wearing a costume," he said, as if he could sense her eyes on him.
"The kids really like it," Jocelyn said.
"Whatever," Miles said. "I'm not completely humiliating myself just so a little kid can laugh at me."
"They don't laugh at me, they laugh with me," Jocelyn said haughtily.
"I highly doubt that if you look like what I think you do," Miles snapped back.
"Well you came here to help so-"
"I didn't come here to help anyone," Miles snapped at Jocelyn.
"Then why in the world are you here?" Jocelyn snapped back at him.
"The stupid school is forcing me to make repercussions for getting into a fight so that's why I'm here," Miles said. "For punishment."
"Reparations you mean," I said softly.
Jocelyn rolled her green eyes. "Fine. You can start wearing a costume tomorrow. The only stuff we're going to do is go around singing silly songs like 'Jingle Bells' and do a funny dance along with it. That's all you have to do."
"Yeah that's not happening," Miles said.
"You have to do something!" Jocelyn just about growled. She looked at me for help. Me, pretty much the quietest girl in our grade.
I shoved my hands in the pockets of my sweatshirt and stared at my tennis shoes.
"It sounds like the school will be mad if you don't do anything," I said, my voice nearly whispering.
Miles glanced at me, his glare softening a little.
"I'll observe," he finally said. "That's what people do on their first day, right?"
"Fine," Jocelyn grunted and Miles sighed as if she was the one who was being difficult. Yeah, he was going to act like he did when I first met him.
I trailed behind Jocelyn, who was fuming and stomping around, and Miles, who had a look like he could care less as he sauntered behind Jocelyn.
We were following Jocelyn to a room when I heard a voice behind me.
"What are you doing with Cici?" a voice said behind us.
"We were just going to play with you and Cici," Jocelyn said.
"We don't need pity friends," the girl said.
I turned around and my breath caught in my throat. Charlotte.
Charlotte's blue eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. "Richelle."
"Charlotte?"
Charlotte nodded. "Is Sadie here?"
I shook my head. "No. Sadie's at home."
"Oh," Charlotte's face dropped a little. "Okay." Charlotte glanced at the hospital room behind her. "Mom said Cici can't have visitors. I can't even go in."
"Oh," Jocelyn's face dropped a little.
Charlotte smiled, her small face trying to be happy. She bent down next to Shasta. "Hi there," she said. "Shasta."
Shasta sat down and lowered her head to be petted.
We were halfway down the hall when Jocelyn whirled around on her heel to stare at him.
"You cannot EVER do that again," she snapped at him.
"What?" He asked innocently, sliding his hand out of mine. "I was just getting the hang of it."
"Really?" Jocelyn asked sharply. "So next time you'll be singing and dressing up and dancing?"
"Oh no," Miles said smoothly. "It takes a long time to get the hang of something this complicated. It might take weeks, maybe months even." He blinked innocently.
I sucked in a breath. Kind Miles was the one who held my hand and wouldn't let go. THis was the rude Miles I'd known when I'd first met him.
Jocelyn opened her mouth, then closed it. She looked lost like she didn't know what to say to that.
I wanted to be friends with Miles, but I was really tired of the little show he was putting on for us.
"Miles, I'm sorry, but it doesn't take more than a single hour at most to learn how to make people laugh, smile, and feel good," I snapped, jabbing a finger in his face. "They deserve so much more than they're getting and our purpose here, whether we're here by choice or not, is to make them laugh one way or another, so you know how much I care about your embarrassment? I've been nice. I've been kind. But when you stand in a corner glaring at kids that don't know whether or not they're going to live or die the next day, that's where my compassion ends. They deserve to smile. They deserve to laugh. And you're not giving them either by standing in a corner glaring at them, okay? It feels terrible to have the prospect of dying hanging over your head every day. So you have one option. Suck up whatever dislike and embarrassment you have for this job, go on with it, and make the kids that deserve smiles, smile. You are selfish and rude and it needs to stop."
"You don't know what my life is like!" Miles yelled back. "You don't know what it feels like to lay in a hospital bed and be told you'll never see again."
"Maybe I don't," I said. "But I do know how it feels to lay in a hospital bed, knowing you're losing a limb within the next hour. I know what it feels like to think that you shouldn't have been the one to survive."
Miles narrowed his eyes. "I thought we could be friends."
"We can be," I said. "If you suck up your embarrassment and actually do something."
"Fine," Miles growled, stomping ahead of us with Conrad.
"Do you know where you're going?" Jocelyn asked.
Miles sighed and whirled around. "Fine then." I could hear him mutter, "I need a way out of working with these two."
"Room 226," Jocelyn said, walking in that direction. "Come on."
"Like I have a choice," Miles muttered.
When we walked into Room 226, a little girl sat up in bed. Under the covers, her legs were bent in a sharp, unnatural angle and crutches sat beside her bed. If I was to guess, she had cerebral palsy.
"Jocelyn!" the girl squealed. "I've been waiting for you."
"Hi, Teagan," Jocelyn said. "These are my partners, Richelle and Miles. I'm sorry to see you back here."
"Actually, it's for a good reason this time," a woman who if I had to guess was Teagan's mom said. "She's getting an operation on her hips so she can sit more comfortably. It helps kids with cerebral palsy a lot."
"I might even be able to walk on my own," Teagan said excitedly. Her words were slightly lisped, but understandable. It was a reminder that our world was broken, when a six or seven year old girl was excited about the prospect of being able to walk.
A man who was probably Teagan's dad walked in with a boy only about six.
"Jocelyn!" he said happily.
Jocelyn smiles at the little boy. "Hi Tyler!"
"Who are they?" Tyler asked, looking at Miles and I. He didn't even give my leg a second look. I guess that's what happens when you grow up with a sister with a disability.
"This is my friend Miles and my friend Richelle," Jocelyn said.
"Oh," Tyler said. He gave a small nod. "Hi there." He nodded to Conrad. "Sweet dog."
"Thanks," Miles said. He shifted uncomfortably, pushing up the sunglasses on his face.
"It's okay," Tyler said. "Teagan has a service dog too. Hers is a mobility assistance one."
Miles seemed shocked. "O-Okay."
"Why is Miles dressed so boring?" Teagan asked and added a giggle onto the end of her sentence.
I let out a quiet laugh. I looked over at Jocelyn, who was giggling so hard she started to snort.
"Maybe you should ask him that, Teagan," Jocelyn said, hardly able to speak through her giggles.
"Um-I'm like Superman," Miles said. I could tell he was improvising. "Sometimes I have to dress like a normal person so no one will recognize me."
Teagan and Tyler's eyes widened as they exchanged a look with each other.
"Really?" Tyler asked, his eyes wide.
Miles gave a firm nod.
The little boy lowered his head and put it close to Miles'.
"So who are you really then?"
"Well, I'm not really supposed to tell anyone," Miles said. "But you won't tell anyone right?"
Miles and Tyler moved over beside Teagan's bed so she could put her head close to theirs like they were in on a big secret.
Teagan did so and shook her head. "I promise we won't tell anyone."
Miles smiled. "You're sure?"
Tyler and Teagan gave solemn nods.
Miles looked around like he was scouting out for people, while trying to keep a straight face. "I'm Santa's Secret Agent," he said seriously.
"What do you do?" Tyler asked.
"I go around looking at all the kids in the world and then I go and report back to Santa who deserves all the presents and who deserves coal," Miles said, working to keep from laughing.
"What are you going to tell Santa about us?" Teagan asked, her small face serious.
"That you're some of the best kids out there," Miles said.
Teagan and Tyler looked at each other, then at Miles, beaming smiles on their faces.
I wish he could have seen their smiles.
We turned in Ally's room only because she was on our schedule.
When we walked in, Ally jumped and looked uncomfortable, like she was hiding something, but I was too tired from Sadie's yelling and Miles' arguing to interrogate her about it.
For once I didn't say anything about the deep scowl implanted in Miles' face again because as far as I was concerned with this girl it was justified.
"This is Miles," Jocelyn said, nodding to him who was standing behind me.
Ally gave a quick nod which made me a little suspicious, but I was far too tired of Sadie and frustrated with Miles to care about Ally Jensen.
I didn't think much of it. We did our usual thing, then left for the next thing.
"Jocelyn, Richelle, Miles, have you seen Charlotte?" Nurse Karyn stood in the doorway to the room.
"Is Cici?..." Jocelyn asked, her voice trailing off.
Nurse Karyn shook her head. "Cici's fine. It's Charlotte. She's disappeared."
"How long has she been missing?" I asked seriously.
"About five minutes," Nurse Karyn said. "Cici was getting a blood draw so her parents were distracted and Charlotte just sort of slipped out."
Jocelyn and I exchanged a look and ran out into the hallway with MIles sauntering behind us.
Charlotte was only seven, far too young to be running around a hospital by herself.
"We'll help," Jocelyn offered, looking at me and I nodded.
"It would be great if you could tag along too, Miles, be an extra set of eyes?" Nurse Karyn said.
I found myself hoping he said no, but Miles just nodded, "Sure."
I think Jocelyn was hoping the same because when Nurse Karyn left she turned to Miles and said, "You won't be any good. You can't see. You can just go."
Miles shook his head. "I want to help. I can hear."
"Fine," Jocelyn said. "Then go around by yourself."
"I don't know my way around," Miles replied.
"That's not my fault," Jocelyn retorted. "You've been following me around all day."
"I can't see," Miles pointed out. "And it's just been this one hallway."
Jocelyn rolled her green eyes up into her head. "Fine. THen walk around this one hallway, Miles."
"You can't expect me to do that!" Miles said sharply.
"Just do something useful," Jocelyn snapped. "For once," she muttered under her breath so only I could hear.
She turned and jabbed a finger in my face. "It's not like you've been of much use anyways. You stood there glaring at the last girl. You... You can go with him. Be his eyes. "You've been in this hospital before. Find her."
With that, Jocelyn turned and stomped in the opposite direction.
"We've got to find Charlotte. Miles, I don't care if you come with me or not, just find Charlotte," I said quietly. "Just find her."
"I'm coming with you," Miles said. "But you can't just run around looking where everyone else is though. If you were Charlotte where would you have gone?"
I hated to admit it, but Miles had a point.
"That's what they always do in television shows anyway," Miles added.
"Your logic comes from TV?" I asked skeptically.
Miles shrugged. "I mean, it works, so yeah. But like, if she likes soda pop then find a vending machine with soda pop."
"That's not exactly a revelation, considering just about every kid in the world likes soda pop," I commented.
"Well what does she like?" Miles asked exasperatedly. "Do you know Charlotte well?"
I thought for a moment.
"If I were her, I'd want to get to Cici," I said. "When my sister got too sick for any of us to see her I would've done anything to get to her. Including running away from my parents." My eyes widened. "I know where she is."
I turned on my heel and started off in the direction of Cici's hospital room. I pushed open the door to Cici's hospital room and looked around.
"Charlotte?" I asked.
"Richelle?" A small voice asked.
Charlotte wedged in a little corner between a chair and the wall. A monitor beeped above her head, measuring Cici's vitals.
She was chewing on a strand of her dark hair and tears ran down her bright red cheeks. I knew her parents needed to know that she was safe, but I couldn't just leave her, not when she was in this state.
I bent down to her level and offered a kind smile. "Everyone is worried about you Charlotte."
Charlotte wiped a tear off her cheek and shook her head. "No. Don't take me back. Please. Not yet. I want to stay with Cici."
"Oh Charlotte," I sighed softly. "I understand the feeling. When Eva, my twin sister was sick, no one would let me with her either. I probably would've done the exact same thing as you if I had the chance. But Char, there's a reason they won't let you see your sister."
Charlotte nodded. "I know. But I still want her. I didn't even expect my parents to notice I was gone, They don't usually pay attention to me." Charlotte looked up and met my eyes and I could truly see myself in them. She was what I had been like at that age and I knew I had to go on.
"It was like my parents forgot they had other kids and that was hard," I said and that was the whole Richelle.
"What did you do?" Charlotte asked.
"Well, I did the same thing you do," I said. "I found people who I needed or people who needed me and I clung to them. Until my parents were ready to be parents again." I didn't add how long because I had taken care of Sadie and Gabby for the three years Eva battled cancer. But it had gotten better, and it would for Charlotte too. Hopefully her story would include Cici's healing, unlike Eva, but I knew firsthand how rough this kind of thing could be.
"DId your parents argue a lot too?" Charlotte asked, leaning her head on my shoulder.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"My parents argue," Charlotte said. "About Cici, about her treatment, sometimes about me. Every day. All the time."
It was understandable that Charlotte's parents would argue from the stress, but my parents never did that, not in front of us anyway. I didn't know how to help her, or even what to say.
"My parents argue a lot too."
I brought my head up and stared at Miles, who had obviously been replaced by an alien. A kind, compassionate alien who put his hand on Charlotte's and looked at her with an understanding.
"Does it scare you too?" Charlotte asked, lifting her head a little.
Miles nodded. "It does. It scares me."
I knew my jaws were probably five inches apart, but I couldn't help it. Sharp-edged, juvenile delinquent Miles was opening up just so a little seven year old girl wouldn't feel so alone. It was amazing.
And it was working. After a few minutes we took Reagan back to her parents, who were more than happy to see her safe and sound.