My family arrived to the townhouse around five-thirty in the evening. Mom and Dad came in first, hands full of presents. They went into the den, which was decked out in Christmas decorations. Michael, Emilio, and I spent the whole week decorating most of the townhouse. I felt ridiculous spending so much money on Christmas decorations, but Michael insisted. I even got Christmas themed bedding for the guest bedrooms.
"It looks so lovely," Mom said, taking a seat on the couch.
"Thank you," I said. "You look more lovely. This dress is beautiful."
"Well, it is one of yours, dear."
Dad sat down next to Mom on the couch, playing a game on his phone. "The food smells good," he said. "What's cooking?"
"All kinds of stuff. I have steak, mashed potatoes, green beans. It should be done soon. I hired a small team to prepare the food. I don't think I could've cooked it all by myself," I said.
"Hopefully the rest get here soon then."
Right on cue, the doorbell rang. It was Axelle. She muttered a greeting as we avoided eye contact and went into the den with the rest. Before I shut the door, Clovis walked up the steps. We nodded at each other and he went inside as well. Ten minutes went by until Claude showed up. The food was ready a moment later, so we filled our plates as the team of cooks headed out. We ate our food, Mom being the only one talking. She was telling us about the country club she attended, where Dad liked to play pickleball.
I didn't know what to expect having my family over. My siblings and I didn't like to pay too much attention to each other. We had terrible memories together. It's all I could think about when I looked at them. I never blamed them and I didn't blame our parents. Mom and Dad tried their best. Dad never wanted to be an alcoholic. He was supposed to be a man of the military like his father, but due to his Crohn's disease, he was rejected from joining. His father passed, he dropped out of college. He got laid off. He was a star in high school, but it went downhill for him after that. His father had been an alcoholic as well.
Claude, Axelle, Clovis, Delphine, and I were often left with just each other. Mom had to work two jobs, day and night. Dad was passed out on the couch or out at the bars. Claude was the oldest but got annoyed at having to watch us. So usually Axelle had to step in and take care of us. It's no wonder she never wanted to be a mother. She had to spend her childhood mothering her siblings in Mom's absence. Clovis, he was just always quiet. He'd lock himself in the closet to hide away from everything bad in our lives.
Sometimes, if I looked closely, I could still see the faint scars on my knuckles from when I would get smacked as punishment at the Catholic school. Axelle once got in trouble for yelling at a nun, so they tied her down to a chair for hours, where she wet herself. Clovis was small for his size as a child, so he was an easy target. Kids picked on him and the school let the bullies get away with it. Claude was big for his age so no one messed with him, but he had a hard time as a student. He never got the best grades, but it wasn't his fault. He was dyslexic and had ADHD. The teachers, the nuns, the priests loved making him feel stupid. For Delphine, she was the exception. She was to be left alone by fellow students, the staff, and the faculty.
"Fifi would have loved the tree," Mom said when we returned to the den after eating. "The yellow lights are so beautiful and warm."
"Thank you, Mom," I said.
"I still like to put her stocking up. I put all of your stockings up."
"Do you always have to talk about her?" Axelle asked, her arms crossed.
"Ax," I said quietly. "There's no harm in talking about Delphine."
Axelle shook her head. "Every time Mom talks about her it just fills us all with grief and guilt," she said. "It brings back all the memories of the shit we went through at that school and what they did to Delphine."
"I'm sorry," Mom said, smiling softly to hide the sadness in her voice.
"I think we owe it to Delphine to try and be a family," I said.
"Is that why you're doing this whole thing?" Claude asked.
"Yes, it is," I said. "We all miss Delphine and we wish we had stepped in to help her."
"Well, you're the one who knew just how bad things were more than us," Claude said.
"Claude," Dad said. "Don't."
"I'm just saying," Claude said. "I don't think there is any point in putting on a charade. We're all fucked up and we'll always be fucked up. I mean, look at how pathetic we are. We're grown adults sitting with our parents on Christmas Eve. I barely ever get to see my kids. They barely want to see me. Axelle sees her kid what - twice a year? At this point, we're lucky Clovis isn't going to move clear across the country and never talk to us again."
"I don't want to do that," Clovis mumbled.
Claude met my eyes, just for a moment. He tended to go for anger to hide his sadness. He looked at the ground. "We're pathetic."
It was silent for a moment, and then Mom said, "Fifi wouldn't think you were pathetic." Mom sighed. "It's all my fault, isn't it?"
Everyone started talking, trying to convince Mom it was not her fault, as her eyes glistened. This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to think about the good times, make good times happen. But maybe they were right. The truth is, we never talked about all the bad things we went through together as kids. The abuse we faced at that school was something we all tried not to think about. I could walk down the street, thinking about things on the agenda, brainstorming a new idea, when a memory would crash down on me like a sudden storm. Anything could spark a memory. I knew it was wrong to shove the past away. We had to overcome it, but it was too difficult and painful. I was too weak to attempt it.
"I'm going to use the restroom," Mom said. She squeezed Dad's hand and left the room.
"This was a terrible idea," Axelle said, rubbing her forehead.
"Kids, your mother loves seeing you all together," Dad said. "She wants to see you all happy and together more. The least we can do is try."
"We can pretend," Claud said with a shrug. "I mean, we all want to make Mom happy. If we have to pretend to be happy then sure, let's just do that."
"We don't need to pretend, we can just try," I said.
"Pretending isn't a bad idea," Axelle said.
The doorbell rang.
"Did you invite someone else over?" Axelle asked.
"No, I'm not sure who it is. It's probably a solicitor or carolers. They do caroling around here often on Christmas Eve," I said.
"I thought you had a no soliciting sign up," Clovis said.
The doorbell rang again. This time, I heard Mom answer the door. She was talking to someone. I darted out there to see who on earth she could be talking to. I figured carolers, a beggar, maybe even Don and Jerry. The last person I expected was Emerson.
"Em, what are you doing here?" I asked.
"I..." He looked just as confused as I felt. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I didn't realize you were having family over. I figured you were...alone."
I never told him about my plans with the family. We didn't talk much at all the past few weeks. I was busy planning and he was dating someone. Why was he here if he was dating someone? I was gobsmacked, but also relieved. His presence was so calming.
"Well come in dear," Mom said, stepping back. "It's too cold out there." She shut the door behind him. "Lafayette, are you going to introduce your friend?"
"Right," I said. "Mom, this is my assistant, Emerson. Em, this is my mother, Guilia."
"It's nice to meet you," Em said, smiling. "I've heard so much about you."
"Oh really? Good to know my son still talks about me," she said. "Here, I can take your coat for you. Be sure to take your shoes off before going into the den." She smiled at Em, taking his coat and walking down the hallway to the coat closet.
I pulled Em the other way and out of view or earshot from anyone. "What are you doing here?" I asked, not meaning to come off as harsh as it sounded.
Em's eyes were watering up. "Faye, I am so sorry," he said. It was so nice to hear him say my name again. "I didn't know you had family over. I figured you were alone or something which I'm sorry, that sounds so mean, but I didn't have anything going on, so..."
I let out a deep breath, mostly of relief. "I'm glad you're here," I whispered.
"Really?" he asked.
"Yes. I don't want to subject you to my family at all, but things aren't going quite the way I wanted them to. I feel...relaxed, when you are around," I said.
He smiled softly, squeezing his cuticles. "Well, I would love to meet your family, actually. I can stay here, if you would like."
I nodded. "I would like that," I said. "Come on." I led Em into the den where Mom had returned. "Em, this is the rest of my family. My father Beaumont, my brother Claude, my brother Clovis, and my sister Axelle. Everyone, this is my friend Emerson."
"Hi, it's nice to meet all of you," Em said. "I'm sorry for intruding."
"It's fine," Mom said. "Please, sit down. We were just about to pass out gifts."
Em and I sat down on a couch together. Mom put an album on the record player and started passing out gifts. We hadn't passed out gifts in a very long time. I know it made her happy, but it did make me feel a little pathetic like Claude had said. We were grown adults. Luckily, Em seemed delighted to see everyone open gifts. Mom asked him why he was not with his own family.
"Oh, well my family is Jewish. My parents are volunteering today, so I didn't have anything going on. This is so adorable, though," he said. "Like, truthfully I've never witnessed a true Christmas, like the ones you see in the movies. This is very that, though."
"I'm sorry I don't have a gift for you," Mom said. "Lafayette, do you have one?"
"It's totally fine," Em said.
"Well, actually, I do have one for you," I said. I bought it awhile ago, but when I realized he was dating someone, I figured it was best to step back.
"Oh perfect, go fetch it and he can open it when the rest of you open yours."
I nodded, going all the way upstairs to retrieve the gift I had sitting in my office. I came back downstairs and handed it to Em, who smiled in delighted surprise.
"You all get to open the rest tomorrow morning," Mom said. This had been a tradition when we were younger. We opened one gift on Christmas Eve and then we opened a second gift Christmas morning. That is all they could afford, two for each child.
We opened our gifts at the same time. I was mostly watching Em open his. He opened it up to reveal a plush robe in navy blue, embroidered with his name. He had talked about wanting a house robe to feel fancy. He gasped and smiled looking at it. "Oh my gosh, I love it," he said. "Thank you so much. What did you get?"
I finished opening my gift to find a weighted blanket. "I wondered why it was so heavy," I said. "Thank you, Mom."
"I know you struggle sleeping, but I hear these are supposed to help," she said. She glanced at Emerson and then back to me. "It's a queen size."
Everyone opened their gifts and held them up to show off. Axelle got a customized charcuterie board with her initials on it. Clovis got a nice espresso machine he had been wanting. Claude got a leather jacket. Dad got a new pickleball racquet. Mom opened a gift from Dad which was a new pair of sapphire earrings.
"Those are so beautiful," Em said. "Sapphires are my favorite. Anything blue is my favorite really."
"Thank you. They are my birthstone. I love blue, too," Mom said.
"My birthstone is emerald, which I also like," he said.
"Emeralds are Lafayette's favorite, right?"
I nodded. "They are. I just like green," I said.
Dad started gathering the wrapping paper up. The record started skipping, so Mom turned it off. It was just a few moments of sanity and calmness among my family. In its wake was silence. I didn't know what to say. We stayed silent. Mom looked at some of the albums, but didn't select one again.
"Mr. Jett," Em said. "Lafayette told me you taught him how to play guitar."
Dad looked a little surprised. "Yes, I did. It's been a long time. Do you still play, Lafayette?" Dad asked.
"Sometimes," I said.
"You two should play something," Em said.
"I'm not sure," I said.
"Oh, that would be so lovely, Beau," Mom said. "That would be the best Christmas gift anyone could ask for if you two could do that."
Dad and I exchanged looks, unable to say no to Mom. I went upstairs and grabbed two acoustic guitars. I handed one to Dad and a guitar pick. He put the strap over his shoulder, and for a moment there he looked like he did over twenty years ago - still a young man proud to be a father. He tuned the guitar while I tuned mine.
"What should we play?" he asked.
"How about Silver Bells?" Mom suggested. "It was always a favorite of mine."
Dad nodded. "Sound good, son?"
"Sure," I said.
It took us a few notes to get into the same rhythm. When it was time to sing, though, we harmonized right off the bat. We sang the song, both Em and Mom getting teary-eyed. When I glanced at Axelle, even her eyes were watering up a little. Dad's voice was still solid enough to hold a tune. I was impressed. It had been years and years since I heard him sing. It was nice.
When we finished the song, it was silent again, but a nice silence. It was warm. Mom suggested another, so this time we went for a more upbeat song, Deck the Halls. Eventually, we were going through every Christmas song we knew, everyone joining in. We were all singing, smiling, laughing. I couldn't believe it.
Close to ten, Mom said, "This was a lovely evening, but I'm quite tired."
"Me too," Dad said.
I led my family to their respective guest bedrooms, leaving Em's room available for Em. Once they were all upstairs, Em and I cleaned up in the den and the kitchen, even though I told him he did not need to help. I knew he would insist. When we were done, we went upstairs and stopped outside his bedroom.
"This was a nice evening," he said.
"Yes, it definitely turned around," I said. "I'm glad you came."
Em nodded, rubbing his hands on the robe he had put on. "Faye," he said. "How come you didn't tell me you were celebrating with your family?"
I sighed. "I don't know. You seemed very...I don't know. I felt us...distancing ourselves from each other, you know? To me, I assumed, you were seeing someone. I just didn't want to interfere with anything."
Em frowned. "Faye, I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to distance myself. I mean, maybe I did a little, but...I was seeing someone, but we broke up. I mean it was stupid. It was my ex, so it wasn't anything serious. We ended it, though. I just..."
I wrapped Em into a hug. I just needed a hug from him, so when he wrapped his arms around me and put his head on my chest, I wanted to stay like that until I fell asleep. After letting go, Em came up to my bedroom with me. We brushed our teeth in my bathroom and then I brought him a pair of pajamas he had left at my place for instances when he would stay the night. After changing, we got into my bed with my new weighted blanket.
"Michael and Emilio are throwing a New Year's Eve party by the way," I said. "They're going to bring out a birthday cake as a surprise, but since I don't like surprises they let me know. I just wanted to let you know you can bring someone. When we made the guest list, I kind of figured you would want to bring whoever you were seeing."
"Oh, well, I'll just bring my sister instead now," he said. "It'll be fun."
"I guess."
Em laughed. I missed his laugh. "Put this weighted blanket over us already."
"Alright, alright." I put the weighted blanket over us and turned off the light. The only light was coming in from the city lights. "Goodnight Em, and Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, Faye."