For the first week after Thanksgiving, Jeremy and I texted everyday. He came down to the city the following Saturday, the first Saturday of December. I was excited that I was seeing someone during the holiday season. It was a romantic time of year. I celebrated Christmas because Dad grew up celebrating (all we did was give gifts to each other), but I was excited to buy someone a Christmas gift. Jeremy and I, way back when, dated from March to November. I was still living in Ossining when I started dating him, but then I moved to the city in September. We tried to make it work, but he broke up with me when I came home for Thanksgiving. He said he didn't like doing the distance, but I think he just didn't want to be committed.
When Owen and I had dated, we did officially date for more than a year. However, we had started dating in October. At that point, he had already planned a family getaway around Christmas and New Year's, so I never actually got to do cute Christmas dates with him. I also never had a New Year's kiss, because we broke up the following November. November was just a bad month for me and relationships.
I went home the weekend after Jeremy came to the city. I was going to celebrate Hanukkah with the family just one day, say I had to go back to the city, and then actually spend time with Jeremy. I was definitely not ready to tell my family I was seeing my ex-boyfriend, especially because last time they knew of him he was kind of a jerk. It had only been two weeks anyway. I was having fun and didn't want to ruin it.
After the weekend, we agreed that he would come back up to the city the next weekend. I liked the idea of doing an every other weekend type of thing. I was going to go home for Christmas in two weeks anyway, so it worked out that this was his weekend to come down. I was excited because I had a lot planned for us. He was going to come down Friday night and then we were going to spend all day Saturday together before he'd go back up on Sunday.
Sometimes, when I was sitting at my desk, I would hear Lafayette in his office on the other side of the door. My heart would thump in my chest. Jeremy was a great distraction from my feelings for Lafayette, but then Lafayette would walk out of his office and softly smile at me. Nothing existed except for him. Then, he would just give me a nod and carry on, and I would remember Jeremy. Jeremy was kind and cute. He was a new guy than the last one I knew, but there was still so much to learn. One thing Jeremy was that Lafayette was not was available. I couldn't be hung up about Lafayette.
On Friday night, after Jeremy arrived, we immediately had sex. Then we ordered pizza and watched a movie. It was a relaxing evening because we knew Saturday would be a fun, adventurous day. We were going to go to the Statue of Liberty because he had actually never been before. I had been before, and while it was a little underwhelming, we thought it would be romantic to do.
Unfortunately, the snowfall was a little more than I had anticipated. It was still very pretty, but the roads were not the best. Luckily, we were going to take the subway anyway. It was mostly the wind that was annoying, especially because I forgot my hat so my ears were cold and my hair was blowing around. Jeremy stopped at a bodega and bought me an orange beanie to help, which I thought was sweet.
We grabbed a quick bite to eat at a cafe, but we ate it on the go because the cafe was crowded. I was hoping that the weekend would be less crowded with the snowy weather, but it almost felt like it had an opposite effect. Even the subway seemed extra cramped. I knew Jeremy was not the biggest fan of crowded spaces. He got frustrated when people had no spacial awareness. At least, he did when we first dated. On the subway, it was apparent this was still a pet peeve of his. I squeezed his hand to try and make him relax. He gave a slight smile, trying his best. When we made it off the subway, we went to Battery Park because it looked pretty with the snow and there was a Christmas market.
"Piper has been very into her gymnastics," Jeremy was saying as we walked through the park. "I mean, she's pretty good for four. She's always wanting to show us how she can do the splits. Here, look." He showed me a video of his daughter attempting the splits.
"That's adorable," I said.
Jeremy being a father was still a little mind boggling to me. Knowing him now, he was a great dad. I tried to not think about if and when Jeremy would introduce me to his daughter. It seemed like a big step. Not only that, but what if we got serious? I loved kids. I always pictured myself adopting some. Piper already had parents, so would she be okay with me stepping into her life? Would Cora? Would Jeremy? I tried to not think about it.
We walked through the Christmas market, buying some hot chocolate. Jeremy threw his away early since it was made with water, but since dairy didn't sit well with me often I preferred it with water and thought it was fine. Walking through the market was a little awkward because a lot of the vendors were sitting down, shivering in the cold. They looked at us as we glanced at their tables of cute crafts, not looking for too long because we didn't want to buy stuff and the longer we looked the more we felt guilty. I did get guilt-tripped (of my own doing) into buying a cardinal ornament from a vendor.
"You don't have to buy from them," Jeremy said when we walked away. "They know that most people aren't going to buy stuff."
"I know, but she was the only one who didn't have anyone at her table," I said, glancing back at the cute, old woman. She had carved the cardinal from wood and painted it herself. I liked her stuff more than the cheaply produced bulk items other people were selling. She was talking to someone else about her products when I glanced back. "And it's cute."
"Now you have to carry it around the whole time," he said.
"I know," I said. I managed to shove it into my breast pocket, even though it kind of stuck out in a weird way. I tried not to care.
Our next stop was taking the boat ride to Ellis Island to see the Statue of Liberty. It was not a long boat ride, but it was cold. I could see from the boat that there were still more people than I wanted to be on the island. Nonetheless, Jeremy seemed excited.
We first climbed up to the top of the pedestal, stepping outside to catch our breaths and cool off because even though it was cold outside, it was a workout already and we hadn't even made it to the crown. So we were a little sweaty. I was also regretting not bringing a snack or something, because I was getting tired. I needed energy, but I tried to not let on to Jeremy I was feeling this way. Inside the statue, we lost signal. Jeremy held my hand as we went up, which made me feel better. We got to the crown and the view was beautiful. Even though I was very tired and a little light-headed, I was glad we made it.
Jeremy pulled out his phone to take a few photos. As he was doing so, he got signal again and received a bunch of notifications. He looked at his phone seriously. Suddenly, he was on the phone with Cora. "What happened?" he asked. I already knew that the day was going to be cut short. What I didn't know was that it was going to take so long for Jeremy to get back to Ossining, where Piper was in the emergency room after she fell practicing gymnastics.
We went all the way back down the stairs of the Statue of Liberty. I tried my best to keep up, but it was so hard. I was so tired. Luckily for me, but unluckily for Jeremy, we had to wait for the ferry to come back over. I grabbed a granola bar from a vending machine and scarfed it down. Jeremy was not saying anything, and I didn't know what to say to comfort him. Piper was mostly fine. She just hurt her ankle or foot, but I knew that he wanted to be there regardless. He, as a father, had to show he cared, and he did really care.
"It's like an hour and a half to get back," he said, looking at Google Maps. He put his head in his hands. "Shit," he said.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I have to go back to your place first," he said. "My keys are there and I need them to get to my car to drive to the hospital. Fuck."
Almost an hour had already passed. At this rate, it was most likely going to be another two hours at least until he got back. I felt terrible. It was supposed to be a good day, and it was going terribly. I didn't even tell Jeremy how much I thought the orange beanie was ugly. I hated the color orange.
I asked Jeremy if he wanted me to go with him, but he said not to worry about it. He didn't kiss me before he left. He texted me that he kept missing different trains because he had to stop and spend a long time figuring out which one to get onto. This is one reason why I suggested I go, but I didn't tell him that. It took him so long to make it home, that by the time he got to his car, Piper was already in a cast and on her way home. Jeremy was devastated that he couldn't be there for her in that moment.
Jeremy was so upset with himself that he realized he could never let that happen again. He gave me a phone call Sunday. After updating me that Piper was fine and that he was glad to be home, he said, "Em, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I can do this."
"Okay," I said.
"It's just, I want something serious and for the long run, you know? I've had my philandering years, but I have a business and a kid now. It's not that I don't think you want something serious, but I know your job is very important to you and that you love living in the city, but I can't live in the city. I have to be here," he said. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I understand," I said, holding the wooden cardinal ornament in my hand. "It was fun, though, and I'm glad we got to reconnect."
"For sure," he said. "I would still like to be friends, if that's ok?"
"Of course."
Deep down, I knew it wouldn't have worked out with Jeremy for the exact reasons he said. I had been delusional - in denial. Still, it hurt, because I did want something serious. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to love. I wanted a serious, committed relationship full of joy and fulfillment. I wanted to get married and start a family of my own. I was starting to think this would never happen for me, though.
The week after getting dumped, I barely saw Lafayette. He was out of the office a lot and I wasn't really sure why. When he was in office, he was not by himself. Michael or Emilio were usually in his office. It seemed like they were working on something, so I tried not to butt in. I went home on the 23rd, a Saturday. I mostly just hung around my parents' place on my phone.
On Christmas Eve, much to my surprise, my parents said that they were going to volunteer at a soup kitchen. "We never do much for Christmas anyway," they said. Alicia didn't even come up to their house, instead she went to hang out with friends whose families lived far away. She had her own found family. I of course had my family and loved them, but they truly had their own rich lives. What did I have?
I went back to the city on Christmas Eve. I took a shower and then looked through my closet. I sifted through the shirts and stopped on Lafayette's sweater jacket. My heart swelled. God, I was so in love with him, no matter how much I denied it. I put on a white t-shirt and then his sweater jacket. It still smelled like him.
Michael and Emilio had talked about their holiday plans. They were going to Emilio's family's place. Don and Jerry were staying in. What was Lafayette doing? I'm sure he was not doing anything. It made me sad, to think of him sitting alone on Christmas Eve. So, that's when I decided to make a surprise visit to his place that night.
I walked to Lafayette's townhome, Jack Frost nipping at my nose. I rang the doorbell, not wanting to just barge in. After a moment of nothing, I rang it one more time. If he didn't answer, I would just leave. He had to be home, though. Lights were on. Finally, I saw a shadow through the window. Then, a woman with silver blonde hair opened the door. She looked so much like Lafayette. My mouth hung open when I realized it was none other than his mother.