Dalliah
âSorry, I shouldnât have done that.â Rhu breaks away after a shock seems to rip its way through my body, starting from the exact place where his lips met mine, and ending down at the tips of my toes. I didnât even think I could feel those.
Just like what happened the first time our skin grazed each other, itâs like static has travelled between us and I wonder if this will be the same every time we touch, if we touch again. The fact that heâs apologising doesnât make it seem likely and Iâm concerned that Iâm not sure what to feel about that.
There should be a sense of relief, right? But instead, I find myself replying with, âItâs okay.â But is it?
My chest feels heavier now and my lips seem to be buzzing even though nothing touches them anymore. Itâs strange, itâs like my body wants more but thatâs not a thing, is it? Plus it canât be, itâs Rhu.
I donât get much time to unpack that as he is already beside his horse, launching himself up in the air and onto its back. I donât know how he managed to get over there so quickly and if he werenât the one who initiated this whole thing, Iâd say he was running off.
But maybe Iâm right anyway. A laugh escapes from my chest as I read the look on his face, confirming as much, even if it doesnât make any sense. Why should he be the one to run here?
I donât get it. Heâs chased me for weeks, finally got what he wanted and is fleeing for his life. Was that the plan all along or have I done something wrong? Iâve never been kissed before and wasnât exactly prepared for it to happen today, with him for that matter.
âI need to go,â He looks at my face, searching for something, âIâm really sorry, Dalliah, I shouldnât ha- Iâm sorry.â
Again I open my mouth to tell him that itâs okay, even though that is far from the case, but itâs too late. He and the horse are making their way out of the stables and heâs gone without so much as a glance behind him.
Iâm left standing here pathetically, a bag of apples in one hand, a clenched fist in the other. Is that all he can say? That heâs sorry? No explanation? No expansion?
What am I mean to do with this?
I sigh, running fingers through my hair thatâs only managed to get knottier from the encounter. I can still feel the phantom touch of his arm wrapped around my waist from when he pulled me closer. It doesnât feel real anymore, like perhaps I imagined it somehow, but even my imagination isnât that good.
The abandonment and confusing messaging aside, I need to somehow process how I feel about that, because I know what Iâm not feeling, and itâs everything that I should be.
Like I assumed before, there should be relief that itâs over, not to mention anger or disgust that he was able to take me by surprise. But the only thing I can hold against him is that he left, which is lunacy.
âOh I am in deep trouble.â I have to say out loud due to feeling it so thoroughly.
Where do I go from here? The man who killed my family just kissed me and some sick, twisted part of me liked it. Because that part is true, isnât it? I liked it and I shouldnât have, couldnât have and yet I did.
Iâm an embarrassment to the Leverer name, another woman who has let a man take what he wants and left her the second itâs over. I heard of other maids in similar positions to me, Iâd never understood how they could be so foolish and yet here I am.
He could dismiss me now that itâs over, end the deal and leave me stranded in this hell of a kingdom. The idea turns my stomach but I quickly dismiss it.
Rhu might have done many things, awful things, but somehow, deep in my gut thatâs never driven me wrong yet, I know that wonât be the case. He apologised, felt bad for what happened and men that sweep us aside after donât do that.
Or at least I donât think they would. They donât strike me as the type to own fault.
For now anyway, I just need to recover myself, move on and accept that itâs happened while also trying to forget. Not that I ever could forget, the way his lips pressed mine so softly, arms holding me closer, like he was scared Iâd float awayâ¦
No. This is not helping. I am not helping things.
I forcibly shake my head to try and push out these intrusive thoughts, open the bag of apples and make my way around the horses. Their coats are silky and smooth under my fingertips, their demeanour kinder than I expected from some of them and they seem rather happy with the treat Iâve brought down from the kitchens.
In my mind I replay the plot of my book over and over again, something to keep my thoughts occupied while training my memory to keep it safe, because I canât keep that book now, can I?