I don't dare move as his finger tips gently explore my face, then brush some strands of hair from my eyes. I don't move as they glide past my ear and jawline and down my neck, stopping at my collarbone.
His eyes never leave mine and maybe that is what makes this moment so precious and special.
When he goes to pull his hand away, the wolf side of me shows its possessiveness for just a second and grabs it, taking hold of it.
I would have been embarrassed if I wasn't sure he knows exactly what I'm feeling right now.
'Scoot over.' he whispers as if to not disturb whatever it is that is going on.
I sit up with my back against the head board and move over to make space for him as well.
My hand stays connected with his all the while.
I watch him move into the bed gingerly, me below the blanket and him on top of it.
His thumb absentmindedly draws patterns on the back of my hand, but neither of us is saying anything.
It's completely surreal.
Raphael and I are sitting here, in my bed, in silence. And I wish I wouldn't have to let go of this ever. It's just a daydream that is never going to be a true reality, but I can't help but wish for it to be in this moment.
This, right now, is following my instinct. It's reckless and stupid, but I have my mum that has my back, I have Zach that has my back and, even if that sounds like too much faith in the wrong person, I want to believe I have Raphael as well.
'Your mum called me.' he finally breaks the silence. And of course, I should have known she would.
I laugh dryly, not at all surprised, but somehow thankful for this.
'I'm sorry.' he adds then.
'What for?' there's nothing that he's done wrong that I haven't. In essence neither of us has to be sorry, at least not towards the other.
'I should have talked to you about this.' he gestures towards our hands, still intertwined and almost completely white from the force with which we're holding on to each other.
'I shouldn't have holed up in my room like I did. I should have come by earlier too. There's no excuse for letting you suffer like I did.' His voice sounds bitter as he says this and his brows furrow angrily. I don't like it.
'All of this I could have done as well. This isn't a one way street. We're both to blame for, well, this.' I say, gesturing to our hands as he has, 'Don't take responsibility for something both of us fucked up.'
'Alright' he only says, voice now meek and quiet.
Silence settles again for a minute, before I finally gather the courage to address the big problem.
'What do you want to do now? I've asked myself so many times how to approach this. I don't think I can lie to her. She wants us to get along so badly, but I don't think I can be around you without craving ... this. It's driving me insane, you know? It should never have happened and yet it did. I don't know how to deal with this. She'll be so hurt. Maybe it's better to just not tell her and leave it in the past. We can ... forget about it, try and get along like she wants us too. We'll have the mating issue resolved sometime. Until then, we'll just have to be strong, resist. Afterwards, chances are we won't see each other again anyway.'
I wait for his answer after my little speech. It feels good to let all of this off my chest, to just tell him. I realise that Mary was right, I do want to talk about it. Maybe it just had to be Raphael for me to actually be honest about it. He must be dealing with the same struggles at this point, I know, so that makes it so much easier.
'Talk to me.' I finally say when I don't get an answer.
I look at him from the corner of my eyes, only to see him deep in thought. His gaze is fixated on the opposite wall, not really looking at anything.
'I want to give it a try.'
My heart beats faster immediately, from just the possibility of being with him like this. But my brain doesn't, can't, agree. It's not right.
'What about our mate?' I dare ask. I know it's not right to throw it on him like this, but there's no way to avoid it in the first place.
'You're more important. You... feel more important.' is his answer. It renders me completely frozen. I can't move, I can't look away, I can only stare at this man that has just confessed to feel more strongly about me than his mate. It makes me want to never let go.
'That's not true. She's your mate.' I fight it. I don't know why. Maybe because after all, this is wrong.
'So is she yours! We still kissed! We still crave! We're still with each other rather than with her!' He still speaks quietly, but I can tell how much he wants to raise his voice.
He closes his eyes briefly and takes calming breaths.
'It can't mean anything.'
'It can!' Now he does raise his voice. He pushes off the head board and half hovers over me, his eyes powerful, urging me to want as much as he does.
What he fails to realise is that I do. I want, but I feel like I can't.
'What do you want this to be then?' I ask, because in reality, I want to believe him.
'I don't know.' he admits, letting out a long breath and closing his eyes again for a split second, 'but I haven't just been ignoring it. I have thought about it. I know the right thing to do is to stand by her, but it hurts. The thought of it not being you hurts. I can't help that. I want to be with you. That's what it boils down to.'
'What do you want to tell her?' I continue asking. He hesitates at that.
'Nothing.' he finally answers.
'You want to keep it a secret?' I ask, one of my eyebrows lifting.
'You don't understand. She's next in line for the alpha role. She's expected to have a mate. She's got two now, what do you think they would do to us if we take both of them away? Their pack won't like us.'
'It's your pack as well.' I say gently.
He shifts slightly to take the weight off his hands, then holds my face in both of them to have me look at him properly.
'You're my pack now.' My heartbeat goes out of control.
No wolf leaves their pack of their own free will for another wolf unless it's their mate. Raphael has just declared me his mate, even though we both know it's not true.
I can't help but raise my hands to his wrists to hold on to him. My eyes are glued to his as I try hard to not lose complete control.
'Give me chance Donny.' he pleads, 'We don't have to tell anyone. And any time you aren't able to deal with it, we'll stop immediately, I promise. But please, just don't give up on this before it's even started.'
It's almost funny how he does not understand this situation at all.
'I'm not afraid of not being able to deal.', I explained, nervousness for what's to come coursing through my body, 'I'm afraid of not being able to stop.' I whisper.
His lips are on mine instantly, but they're soft, not one bit harsh, worshipping mine as if I would break otherwise.
When we both need air, we let go of each other, Raphael leaning back to sit down properly and to put a bit of distance between us.
'I'm sorry.' he apologised again.
'Stop saying that. I'm an adult. I can complain if I don't like something.' I clarify.
'Look, if this blows up, it's on me.' he then continued. I sighed.
'We're in this together or not at all. I was raised to be proud of my choices.'
The gaze that meets mine is so full of happiness and adoration, I can't help but slightly blush at my own words.
His hand goes back to holding mine while we just stare at each other.
It's so hard to wrap my head around.
'I want to tell Sam.' he says then, 'I promised to never lie to him'
I only nod and smile. Somehow, I expected that.
'Well, mum knows, but I might have to tell Zach as well. My best friend.'
He only hums and it's still so surreal.
The next thing I know, he's pulled me into his lap and just hugs me. My head is in the crook of his neck with his resting on top. I close my eyes and breathe him in, holding onto his shirt with my hands and wishing I never have to be further away from him than this.
This instant attraction we have towards each other feels like a mate bond, although it took us so much longer to react to it.
My actual mate, she doesn't even come close to this, I realise now. When I kissed her, it's nothing like kissing him and that scares me even more.
I clutch his shirt with all I've got and he does the same to mine.
'Can I kiss you?' he whispers in my ear and I can't help but grin.
I pull back a slight bit, only to hold onto his neck and smash our lips together, more forcefully than he did before.
He opens up his lips for my tongue to meet his and the rest is pure feeling. It makes breathing difficult, thinking even more so and the only thing that is clear in my mind is how this feels too good to ever be a bad thing.
It's only when I hear whispers by my door that I pull away and inhale a much needed breath of air.
Both mine and Raphael's head turn towards the door that is opened by a crack and shows two pairs of eyes looking in.
They blink a couple of times before the door opens wider to reveal my mother standing there, staring at her son sitting in another man's lap while making out with said man.
But it's who stands next to her that has my lips pulling into an embarrassed, but happy grin.