Kai
2020
How fun life would it be if we were out there exploring the endless mysteries of the world that human being seems to not care about?
Like the ocean. It's near us, very near to us but yet, we chose to not explore the deep dark wonders of the ocean's mystery as if it would bring danger. But what about the Space? How ironic it is that human beings just decided that exploring the space is not as dangerous as it is with the ocean.
The ocean. It brings so many wonderful memories of my life in which I have not yet to forget until now. The swaying seas that go back and forth from the shore give me an indication of how memories are supposed to be. It's a never-ending cycle of remembering how life works, reminding me how every single time I make a decision, I need to remember whether or not I had done this sort of thing before. It reminds me of my future, reminds me of what I want to do in life. Do you know that feeling of constant awareness and epiphany of yourself? I always felt that.
Everest's my family's name. They said it's the tallest mountain in the world. So when your family is named after the tallest mountain, would people expect the same from you? High expectations, yes. All my life, I have been grinding from dusk till dawn which enrolled me to the title of Everest Kid. The kid who is his parents' hope. The Golden Boy. My conscience told me: "Yeah, you're on top dude! You're gonna get that scholarship soon!"
But that wasn't me. It wasn't me from the start. Truth to be told, I never even know myself from the start with this character of a golden boy who became my facade since young. I get that it's for my own good but nope, I feel like the true side of me is more adventurous. I'm a seeker. My soul seeks adventure in places, in objects... but more importantly, in people.
That was me. Me in which I had known when I was living my last moments before graduation day. I yearn for something more than just sitting in my room, learning non-stop of chemical equations or algebra or even just sitting in the room itself.
What I need was a getaway... and I got it. I had it.
Now, here I was in front of the ocean with my legs hanging over the rocks as I reminisce about the time when I had my adventure, my journey of being me, my upcoming of becoming my true self and accepting the fact that I love... him.
It was a lifetime journey that I will never forget. Just thinking about it put a smile onto my face as my cheeks grew a tint of red from the wind blowing but mostly from being embarrassed and shy to what I have gone through. I could feel my cheeks burn and getting hotter by the minute as the wind slapped my face. The situation was like open fire being fed by the air with oxygen that gave them more and more heat and grew stronger and bigger.
Was I ashamed of it? No.
He was a sign of which I needed someone in the getaway of my life. I thought that maybe I was good enough on my own, that adventuring by myself was completely just fine by me. But it was not enough for me going by myself, without anyone to laugh with, to rant with, to tell stories with. A listener in which I never thought I needed. A company that both of us never thought we need.
Now I know why soulmate exists. Or was it just my gut that tells me that it was that way?
Little that I know, the world doesn't work that way for us. Being in love was too powerful for us to even tell people, even our parents of how strong we were. It grew into pretending, grew into a flower that never blooms to show itself in the public eye. Too scared to even see what people's reaction would be when they see it. Because? It was different.
Different in terms of emotions.
Different in terms of perspective.
Different in terms of love.
Different in terms of gender...
There it was, the love that got away because of society and... ego. I will never forget. I can never forget that time when I promise myself to not have feelings to such human being. That it was against what the norms would be.
But one thing that I will never forget...,
That he left me ignored and unanswered to why he did that to me. It was not visible like a wound or a scar that bleeds blood, but he painted scars over my heart that I will never ever forget. He was the reason. His existence is never really over. Coming back to haunt me like a ghost of the misery. But he was made of comfort and calm.
Throwing the small stone onto the land before me, my smile goes up and down as I go back and forth from the happy memoirs to the melancholy hymn of my heart that makes me sour up in sorrow. Was he intended to do that? Was I too sensitive? Can't he just say sorry? Why would he give me subliminal messages all the time?
Stop!
Stop giving me hope, Stan. A piece of transparent tear fell down from my eye of my stoic facade as I surrender to my feelings. Looking down onto my shoes, I shake my head in disbelief of how strong emotions can be to just manipulate your mood. The screaming silence of pain of a broken heart just tells you, how fucked up it is when you get to know someone you love, but it doesn't work out.
Of course, I learn to move on, hiding and forgetting the incident but nope. No... even if I can, I want to remember those moments. As I said... memories are there to go in cycles in your mind to remind you of... the flaws in us.
- - -
Thank you for reading the first chapter. As you can see, I am going to write the chapters in this book shorter than my other book. Why? Well mainly because I, myself as a reader don't like reading long chapters so yeah... it's lazy of me but then again, it's fun for me.