Kai
It has been months went by and things have gotten more tolerable for me. Was I still heartbroken? Yes, I was but it wasn't compared to the first day I got my heart smashed into pieces. We were in our final days before graduation. I wouldn't want to waste my time thinking about something else. But my mind can't avoid thinking about him.
I still haven't seen Stan anywhere. I... miss him. Even when he did that to me, I couldn't bring myself to fully hate him or fully forget him. There were always glimpses of him everywhere I went. It was like those haunting eyes of his just was there watching me from a distance that I can't even see myself. The epiphany that maybe he was around was there. Although he wasn't there.
It was lunchtime, and I was in front of my locker. The sounds of feet stepping back ad forth going to places filled my ears as I put back some books that I didn't need for my next classes. Yet, in those crowd, I can't seem to hear his footsteps.
His footsteps are mysterious, cold and silent. Whenever he gets near me, I would feel those tingles that only I could feel whenever we're near each other. In this case, I only feel emptiness. Not the emptiness in which I don't feel anything. Emptiness in which... I have lost all that sense of his footsteps because of how long I have never been around him.
Breaking away from my thoughts, I look to my side to see Charlie coming after me with a smile on his face. "Kai! You're early today. Usually, I'll be the one waiting but it seems that Mrs Hugo just couldn't be more excited to share about her news about her new cat," He sighed, shaking his head in a defeated manner.
"I'm early because the teacher didn't come in today. He had sick leave. If he wasn't, you still be waiting for me," I reassured him.
He sighs again. "Yeah... you're right... Where's Liara anyway? I'm super hungry right now," His eyes look around the crowds, searching for the short girl.
"She texted me she'll be here soon," I replied, looking around the crowd as well.
"There she is," Charlie said, pointing towards a direction where Liara was walking towards us with a book in her arms. I look at her, smiling at the girl.
But a person behind her made me frown immediately. There's just a way that my eyes just instantly knows if it's him. These brown orbs just know him so well. The way he walks with his friend showed me he too moved on. The way the same girl before just came up to makes me furious all of a sudden. I tried to control my anger. My fist was clenching tightly to my side to not make any sudden moves that would humiliate me.
When Liara came to us, she looks at me with a confused look. "Kai? Are you alright?" When she saw where my eyes were looking at, she turns around as well to see what on earth made me like that.
She turns back to me. "Kai...," I shake my head, telling her that I'm not going to talk about him nor I was going to feel bad about him. He looks so happy that I can't help but feel unfair.
"Let's just go, I'm starving," I said, clutching my bag tightly and began walking to the other side heading to the cafeteria. I can't see him like this. Not when he's so happy without me.
The three of us walk in front of him. I didn't want to be absolutely confident but I could feel a sudden penetration behind my back. It sends me shivers down my spine and throughout my whole body. I admit, watching him earlier with someone new made me jealous. I was and I am jealous. Even when he wasn't mine anymore I still can't shake that jealousy off.
But I can't stay like this. My eyes went to Liara, and how I know that she and Felix have something in common. I can't just say that she can't befriend him. She even told me that they only hang out together without Stan. How she doesn't want to make herself feel guilty to be in front of Stan. I smile about it a lot. That said... if she was happy with Felix... I can't stop her from that just to please my needs. She has her own world to live in. Although she only told me that they were just friends... hmm.
Once we got to the cafeteria, I check my pocket to get my wallet. Rummaging through, my wallet wasn't there. Instead, I remember that I never take out my wallet from my locker. My hand went up to my forehead, cursing myself in silence for the dumb mistake I made.
"You guys go ahead and buy your food," I spoke to the two.
"Where are you going?" Charlie asked, stopping himself in front of me.
I sighed. "My wallet is in my locker. I need to get it first,"
"I mean... I could lend you some money," Liara replied, opening her purse. I put my hand up to her, telling her to stop. "I'm just gonna go take my wallet. It won't be long. Just go ahead and line up," I walk immediately back to my locker, not waiting for a single reply from them both.
The hallway to the locker was silent, only to be filled with a number of students who were late to come out from their classes. I walk to my locker and open it that instant to get my wallet. Thanks to my stupid feelings earlier on, I haven't managed to even focus what I was doing.
"For fuck's sake, get a grip Kai," I muttered lowly, taking my blue leather wallet out of the locker. Once taken, I shut the locker door aggressively.
"Hey,"
To the sound of that voice, I jumped. My brown wide eyes looked at him with shocked, anxiousness and nervousness that I haven't felt since. Why was he here?
"Did I scared you?" He asked, moving closer to me but I step back further. I didn't want to cause a scene.
He sighed, then he looks down then back up to me. Clearly, he was thinking of something to say. "I-I... I'm sorry... for what I did to you...,"
My eyes twitch. "S-Sorry?" I whispered. The emotional side in me just can't control itself. I just want to give him a word that he needed to hear.
"Kai... I know it's hard. But you gotta understand... I... um. We could be friends, you know?" He looks down, afraid of seeing my face. Does he want to be friends? How can we be friends?! I can't... I won't. It's hard for me to see him moved on and it will be harder for me if we just became friends. What even the fuck is this?
"No,"
"No? What do you mean 'no'?" He frowned.
"I don't want to be friends with you!" I burst out. Thank god no one was here with us. Taking a deep breath, I continued. "Do you really think this could solve all of this? I don't even know the reason why you even do such a thing to me? And you expect to just forget it and be friends with you? I can't do that shit, Stan. You broke me once for ignoring me and you broke me twice for getting it on with some girl. You want to break me twice for being friends with me?"
"No! It's not like that! I-,"
"Then what was the reason? Why did you do that to me?" I asked.
He pauses, staring back at me. "I... I...," He stopped, not having an answer.
I sighed "You could've had told me to break up but you didn't. I would be better that way but you know what? If love was even free, then why can't us be free too?" I spat, using the quote that he had on his guitar to remind him that he was the one that made me think we were okay.
His mouth gape open, and I leave him there by himself. He tried to hold me but stop when he knows I didn't really want to talk about it anymore. The damage had been done more, why should I let it be damaged even more when I want it to heal. Right after that, I realize that if I want to love him again, I need to heal myself first and forgive myself first for being reckless in love.
Some say, to know if you really love someone. Even after a fight or if shits happen, you happen to be coming back for them. Not because you do or you have to. But it's the feeling of being whole with that person made you think that if you love someone, they come for you no matter how they feel. So I did that, I still had feelings for him. But I'm gonna wait. I'll wait till I'm ready again because loving someone is hard if you're down in the pit of shits. To come back for him, I can't simply give him the benefit of the doubt that I was easily being played. Deep down I know he has his reason... but if he comes back and can't tell me the truth of what it is then I can't let him back in again.
Walking in the cafeteria again, my eyes went to look at the two crack heads who was waving at me. Grinning at myself, I made my way to them.
"Hey! Don't eat without me!"
- - -