Chapter Sixty-Seven: "This Is The Part Where You Say 'I'm Sorry.'"
"HELLO BROOKLYN." Doctor Boise greets as I enter her office.
"Hey Doctor B," I smile back.
"How are you?"
"Better." I reply as I take a seat on one of her plush sofas and take my shoes off, tucking my legs under my butt and getting comfortable.
"It's good to hear that." She says. "I was worried."
"Yeah, I know. I was, too."
"Are you okay?"
I shrug. "You were right, though. I don't like having to be called out, but I know I went over the limit with my actions."
She nods. "My job is to help you, not lecture you, so I won't scream at your stupidity. I'm sure, though, you learned your lesson after finally facing the consequences?"
I nod my head consecutively. "Definitely. That's something I never want to happen again."
"I don't think it will." She says softly. "So, what brings you in my office?"
Did I fail to mention that it's Monday and not Tuesday?
"I had a lot happen while I was in L.A.," I start. "I think my experience there opened my eyes a little bit more me to take certain things more seriously and to not take myself or others for who they think they are compared to who they actually are. I learned things about my life, my friends, my past. Some are bad, some are good."
"Do you think any of those has changed you as a person?"
"Most definitely." I agree. "I thought I needed love from someone to help me get on with my life as a whole, but I probably lost two of one of the most important and amazing guys in my life because of something stupid I did."
"Everyone makes mistakes, Brooklyn. Sometimes you just gotta embrace them, no matter how bad they were." She tells me.
See, and that's the thing: I did embrace them. Well, I'm at least trying to. Some of my actions were definitely done by me willingly, but others. . . I think are to blame from my clouded mind of withdrawal. If I had just taken my pills like I was supposed to, then I don't think I would have slept with Taylor, and Landon and I would still be together. I know he'd of course be unhappy and edgy with Taylor coming over to my house alone, but everything else that led up to our fight wouldn't have happened. And that wouldn't leave me to claim vengeance on two people instead of one.
"I can't embrace these ones," I whisper, my voice dropping a few decibels.
And from that moment, I explained everything that happened to Dr. Boise in full detail, not missing a single thing.
"I don't think you've lost them for good." Dr. Boise says reassuringly.
"I broke Landon's heart and Taylor re-broke mine!" I say exasperatedly.
"Taylor wouldn't have re-broken your heart if he didn't have it anymore." She explains. "He's had you wrapped around his finger this whole time, hasn't he?"
"Well, yeah, but we were together for a couple years!" I protest. "And I was an easy shell to crack back then. I loved everyone even if I didn't want to."
"And what was so different? You loved Taylor even if you didn't want to?"
I groan. Yes, I did, because I knew that there was something wrong about him but I just couldn't place my finger on it. When we start talking, I still couldn't figure it out so I just ignored it and moved on. I didn't know that the tiny thing I couldn't figure out was something that would ruin my life.
"Yes."
"He made you happy?"
"Yes."
"And Landon, he makes you happy?"
"Very." I say softly, remembering how much fun I had with him, even if it was something people wouldn't consider fun at all.
"Close your eyes, we're going to try something old school." She orders, and I nod, doing as told and closing my eyes. "Clear your memory. From boys, the past few weeks, everything, until your mind is blank."
It takes a lot of effort to clear my head, but eventually it happens.
"Now think of your life before Taylor and Landon. How was it?"
"Perfect." I mutter. "I know life can't ever be perfect but I believe mine truly was."
"Describe it."
"I was so nice," I whisper, feeling the memories I miss so much. "I was happy, had so many friends, my education was phenomenal. It's not like I was poor, either, so I had a very nice homeâand my parents were amazing with me, irregardless of how often my mom and I fought or how bad I misbehaved. I had everything, and I never really truly realized that until I messed up."
"Who was your role model?"
"My mom," I say automatically. "She tries so hard to take care of our family, and she worked the hardest on trying to get me to understand what I was actually doing. My dad was my best friend and always there for me, but my mom I definitely looked up to more above everyone else."
"What happened when you met Taylor?"
"I fell in love," I scoff sadly. "He was everything I wanted in a guy, until I realized what was behind him giving me such grand gifts."
"How did your view change on him?"
"Honestly, at this point I was too far gone." I say. "I didn't care as long as nobody got hurt."
"And what about what happened to your parents?"
My heart stops briefly at the mention of my parents' accident. They act like nothing happened, and they refuse to talk about it, so I just stopped nagging. Now, however, that I'm allowed to willingly talk about it, what's there to say?
"I was terrified above anything else," I whisper. "Our relationships were rough because of Taylor, but I figured they'd get over it, like most people. We all had this huge argument the day before they left... I said things I regretted the moment they came out of my mouth and I hated myself for having those words come true but in actions."
"Do you feel like it wouldn't have happened if you just listened to them?"
"I don't know," I say honestly. Maybe, yes, no, it's impossible to tell. The fight was between my mom and I for the most part, so it was nothing uncommon, but after I got arrested, I started to think that if I hadn't met Taylor, where would I have been instead? Still living in L.A., being everyone's best friend and the girl who everyone looked up to?
Now I'm a victim of society that led me to a 3 year sentence in prison.
I've thought about it thousands of times. I always thought that I'd go back in time to change everything, not meet Taylor and not get involved in anything illegal. That that decision would have changed the outcome of the accident and my future.
However, after these past few months... I can't say the same. I wouldn't be where I am right now, and even though I have fucked up in more ways than one, I would never go back in time if it meant I wouldn't meet the McGibbon family. I... I love them, I see them as family, and without my mistakes I wouldn't even known they existed.
"Possibly," I conclude. "I wouldn't go back in time, but I would think that if I just ignored them, then maybe things would have ended differently. I don't care anymore, though, Doctor Boise; I really don't, I like where I am right now and even though I lost a great friend and an even better boyfriend, I still wouldn't go back."
She smiles at my response, and I'm assuming she liked what I said. A few months ago, I would've done anything to go back home, but now, I'd do anything to stay. Of course, I have to, but I have a future and I really want Landon in it and if that means I have to stay back in Canada to earn his trust back, then so be it. "How did you feel when you opened the door that one night and everything changed?"
"I don't know," I whisper. "I was broken. Everything is cloudy."
"Now take Landon into perspective again here, hun." She says gently. "What did you think of him when you met him?"
I find myself scoffing, then chuckling. "He came off as nice, but then an asshole." I smile as I remember him opening the door and demanding me come inside after seeing my busted up face, not taking no for an answer. "He was actually really caring. . . I couldn't see it, because I often got confused between him and his twin, but he really cared about me, and he didn't even know me."
"How did that change your view on his family?"
"It changed a lot throughout the time I've been here." I say. "They were really mean, but very slowly everyone started to come around. Liam, Landon's twin brother, tells me that I'm a part of them now."
"Okay, good. Now, let's get back to Landon and Taylor." She says. "Why did you ditch Landon for Taylor if he was so amazing?"
I find myself gritting my teeth. I didn't choose one over the other. "I didn't." I hiss. "I said I made a mistake."
"But surely this mistake means something otherwise you wouldn't be so upset over it." She says.
"I'm not upset!" I exclaim. "I didn't plan on getting back together with Taylor or doing anything with him if I saw him again! Shit only happened because Landon and I fought and Taylor was there. If Justin was there then I would have gone to him. Taylor was there at the wrong time and stuff happened! Now that my head is back to normal, I remember saying to myself that I don't regret sleeping with him. I do." I cry. "I do regret it. I wanted that to be Landon. I wanted it to be him but he hurt me so I used it as some sort of revenge I guess. I felt myself crash after that, and I was so. . . was so close to falling into the gutter if my friends didn't drag me out again. I don't want to see Taylor and be reminded of what happened! He hurt me so much and I needed someone to help me pick up the pieces. Now that that someone is out of my life because I fucked up, I'll never be able to forgive myself."
I open my eyes and suck in a deep breath after releasing air from my lungs. I didn't even know that's how I felt; I only just realized that I was ranting about the wrong person this whole time.
It wasn't Taylor I wanted to be with even though I said it was.
It was Landon.
Dr. Boise smiles at me once I catch her eyes, and I can see that her whole intention was to make me admit my feelings by defending the person I actually want. She did it awfully, but it Goddamn worked.
"I think there's a conversation you need to have." She tells me.
"I can't." I pout. "He's really mad at me. Besides, I don't think we'll work outâhe never gave me the feelings Taylor did."
"Did," she corrects me.
"Excuse me?" I frown.
"He doesn't anymore, honey," Dr. Boise elaborates. "You've said so yourself."
"No I haven't." I argue. I've never once said that Landon's made me happier and that he makes me feel like Taylor did. Truth be told, I felt completely different things between the two men but I can't compare the two because I felt different with each one.
"I asked you if you loved Taylor, and you said yes. I then asked you if Taylor made you happy, and you said yes. Then I switched tenses and asked if Landon makes you happy, to which you responded 'very.' Brooklyn, I know you're confused, but after admitting this to yourself, even without knowing it, now you have your answer as to which person you want to be with. And if you desperately want to be with him, then go talk to him, because boys are clueless when it comes to this sort of thing and they need the directions handed to them. So go talk to him."
I take a mental note that she didn't say which boy, and with wide eyes, I nod numbly and stand, slipping my shoes back on.
"Thank you." I say, and walk over to give her a hug, which shocks her. "Really."
She pats my back. "Of course. I'll see you tomorrow."
I walk out of the office, and find myself in a sprint.
It's now crystal clear to me which one I want to be with.
Please be here, I pray to myself once I reach the property. I didn't run twenty minutes straight to have you not be here.
I want to say it was the adrenaline that makes me not faint out of exhaustion, or the fact that I just have good cardio, but I'm not as tired as I expected. Which is odd, because I haven't worked out since I was here last.
When I enter the school, I see some students raise their heads and watch me as I speed through the hallways, and others gaspâthough I've no idea why, it's not like I was pronounced dead or something.
If my timing is right, class is just about to begin, or end. I can't remember which, but I know it's one of the two.
Just then, the bell rings and it's the start of another class. I spot Lance, who is leaning against his locker still, with Maya with him. I still haven't talked to her about her and his relationship, which is something I'm going to have to do after I try to talk to Landon.
"Lance!" I exclaim, running to him in a hurry.
His head snaps over to me, and his eyes widen. "Brooklyn? What are you doing here?"
"What period is it?" I say hurriedly.
He stares at me warily, trying to figure out why I'm breathing so heavily.
"Second. But why are you here?" He repeats, then his eyes widen. "Did you run all the way here from home?"
I fan my face since it's way hotter in here than it is outside, and hold up a finger for him to give me a minute. "Thanks." I say once I catch my breath. I guess running a few kilometres is finally getting to me.
"Whoa, hold up!" He stops me by grabbing my arm just as I'm about to sprint to Chemistry. "Why are in such a hurry?"
"I made a mistake." I tell him. "Please let me go."
He finally catches on after Maya whispers something in his ear, and he nods, releasing me. "We'll talk later." Maya says, and I book it down the hallway, getting a few profanities and hisses from students and teachers, before I finally reach Ox's class.
I throw open the door and everyone jumps as the frame slams against the wall. Whoops.
I scan around the room, looking for Landon.
He isn't here.
"Damn it!" I yell.
"Excuse me, Miss May?" Ox hisses. "Sit down."
"No thanks. I'm not supposed to be here. Bye!" I smile tightly, and quickly wave at Atticus and Carly before running out again.
I crash into a body, and fall down hard on my back. I close my eyes on impact, then look up to see Landon.
Oh yay! Perfect timing.
"Brooklyn?"
My eyes widen and I scramble to my feet like nothing just happened. "Hi!"
"What are you doing here?" He asks in confusion.
"I needed to see you." I say hurriedly. "Can we talk?"
"It's class," he starts.
"So? You're a McGibbon, you skip all the time."
"Brooklynâ"
"I messed up, okay?" I rush, cutting him off. "I messed up, badly. You were right. I shouldn't have forgotten my meds and because of that I lost control of myself. I wasn't in the right frame of mind and I did things I totally regret, and what I regret the most was not listening to you. I should have told you that I ran into Taylor, and I swear on my life that I was going to tell you about the kiss.
"I was a week into my withdrawal, and I wasn't paying attention to side effects. I was scared; scared of seeing him again, scared of losing you because of him. But that happened anyway and I learned a lot. I. . . I thought it was Taylor I wanted, but it was Taylor who made me realize that he isn't what I want. Not anymore."
"So, what, you expect me to forgive you?" He says deadpan. "Forgive you and move on and be the happiest couple out there? Act like nothing happened?"
And this is what I didn't want to happen: him be so cold and distant.
I did want that, but I already knew that I wasn't going to pretend that nothing happened because something awful did happen and I know that Landon and I can't move on from this if we don't talk about it.
However, I doubt this because his tone of voice gives me more than enough answers that he hates me and would probably never want to see me again if we didn't live together.
I guess he doesn't want me as much as I want him.
I bow my head down, biting my lip to prevent myself from breaking down. I shouldn't have even come here in the first place, knowing he'd do this and knowing I'd cry over it because that's just how I am with deep emotions. I should have at least done it at home, where if I break down, the whole school can't see me and humiliate me more than what they already have.
"No," I whisper, then bring my face up to look in his eyes, trying to keep my emotions bottled up just a little while longer. "I don't expect any forgivenessâI don't deserve it."
"Then what do you want, Brooklyn?" He asks in annoyance.
YOU! my subconscious screams. I want you, Goddamn it!
I try to see if this is actually how he feels towards me, or if it's him trying to hide the pain. But as far as my mind reading goes, the stone coldness, annoyance, and the repugnance in his eyes and voice gives me more than enough information that Landon actually feels this way, which makes my heart ache.
I shake my head, knowing that my chances at forgiveness are slim to none and if that's the case, I'm going to save myself the pain and further humiliation and just walk away. I say, "Nothing. I'mâI'm sorry. For everything. And I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll. . . I'll see you at home, I guess." then add in my head, this is the part where you say 'I'm sorry' too.