No leap chapter 42.
[ Continuation of Chapter 41 ]
Yuvaani
I could see it in his eyesâthe fear of losing me during the argument, and the concern for his kids. The way he conveyed his feelings with just a glanceâno one else could do that. I know he's a very responsible father. He cares about his children deeply. He's never been apart from them since they were born, and his concern was how I would manage them all by myself. I'm grateful that when I took them with me, they weren't cranky, otherwise, it would have been difficult for me to handle. But I did manage them on my own.
The parent in Aarush speaks volumes. He truly seemed like the ideal father. Now, I understand why he felt so protective. If I were in his placeâif I were a widow with a child and married someone else, even if my new husband was wonderful, I wouldn't easily let him take over the care of my child, especially outside the house. Indoors, maybe. But at least Aarush trusted me. He never once said, "Don't take my kids with you."
The realization hit like iron smashed on glass. I felt guilty to argue with him and doubt his intentions. Maybe he trusts me more than I do to him. I sighed and checked the time.
2:09 am.
I should sleep. I've been overthinking too much. I turned over to face him. He was sleeping peacefully, without a care in the world. Being close to him every day has shown me how good he is as a person. He takes care of his parents, looks after his kids, builds a business from scratch, and cares for me. He hugs me, kisses me, makes me feel loved and valued. A person who genuinely cares for me. My heart swelled with pride, knowing that I am his wife. I love himâperhaps even more than I realize.
Slowly, I reached out, my fingers grazing his face. I felt the light stubble on his skin, caressing his cheeks softly, trying not to wake him. He stirred a little, his eyes fluttering open.
"You haven't slept yet?" he asked in his sleepy voice which was soft and inviting.
"No," I whispered.
"I am sorry I woke you up" I added.
"Come here" he murmured.
I scooted closer, and he wrapped his arms around me. Our bodies pressed together, his warmth drawing me in like a magnet. I snuggled into his neck and kissed it lightly. He continued to caress my back, planting a soft kiss on my head. His touch lulled me into sleep, and soon, I drifted off.
___
I felt something heavy on me- when I dazily open my eyes, I say Pihu sitting on my stomach, and Aarush's hands were on her body, but he was fast asleep.
I woke him up and asked why he brought her here, to the reply he said she woke up and was crying.
I sat on bed, with my eyes half closed, and hugged her and patted her to sleep.
She cooked her baby voices and stood on my lap and put her fingers in my eyes. I instantly woke up and looked at her with furrowed brows.
"Ma" she said and smiled.
She just needs my attention, I guess.
I glanced at the clock which read 5:35 am.
"Itne jaldhi nahi uthna tha baby, sleep" I began patting her, but she swatted my hands. She didn't want to sleep.
[ you didn't have to wake up this early, baby. Sleep ]
Sighing, I got up and went to the kitchen to have water. I attached the glass to her lips, hoping she would drink. She did and looked at the surroundings.
I took her to the balcony of our bedroom, covering her with her baby blanket. "See, you got up too early, the sun didn't even rise," I yawned.
"Ma" she chirped with her full energy.
"Yes baby, do you need milk?" I asked her.
"Mik" she repeated after me. I didn't know if she wanted it or not, but I guess I should feed her.
I went back into the room and closed the balcony door as it was giving chilly winds. Aarush was sleeping, and I want to sleep too. My eyes hurt due to lack of sleep.
I settled on my side of the bed and hugged Pihu. I covered her with her baby blanket and fed her. I didn't realize my eyes got heavy and drifted in a deep sleep.
"Yuvaani. Yuvaani!" I could hear someone call.
Might be a dream. I just ignored it and continued sleeping.
"Vaani utho na please, I'm getting late" I heard again.
I annoyingly opened my eyes and looked. It was him.
Dazily, I stare at the open curtains, is it late?
"Breakfast is on the table, don't forget to have it okay?" He said and I just simply nodded. I saw him get going but he stopped and turned again to me. "Are you okay?" He was concerned.
"Yeah, my eyes are hurting a bit" I replied and looked at Pihu who was peacefully sleeping on me.
"Lack of sleep?" He asked.
"Yeah, it's that" I said while placing her on her crib, and looking at Ansh's crib.
"He's in the living room with Papa" Aarush uttered, knowing why I will look in his crib.
"Okay" I said.
"I'm going. I'll return by evening. Take care, Vaani" as I heard this, I looked into his eyes. I felt bad as he was only the one who was maintaining a conversation and I'm just replying in monosyllables.
"Yes, good bye. Have a good day. I'm sorry- I'm just not feeling well a bit-"
"I think you should take enough rest, don't worry about the chores" he came and hugged me.
A morning hug?
I instantly got better and woke up from my dazy sleep which was lingering over me. The warmth he provides unknowingly just.. feels good.
"I'll wait for you" I murmured. I bet he heard it, because it was such a low whisper.
He departed and kissed my forehead and smiled.
"Bye" he uttered and vanished.
"Bye" he indeed brought a smile to my face.
Mornings after marriage are better, I feel. Your partner makes you feel heard, seen, and cared for. What more did I even hope for?
I did my morning routine and showed up in the living room.
"Beta, are you okay? Aarush said "your health is a bit down today" my mother in law worried.
Aww, she cares.
What's wrong with me today? Of course she cares.
"Yes, maa. It's just- sleep" I reasoned out sheepishly.
"Pihu?" She asked.
"She woke up early, and now she's sleeping" I answered and took my breakfast plate. It was Upma today. And, my mother in law makes the best Upma. Even much tastier than my own mother. Haha, bitter but true.
"Aarush was also like that, at the age of four." She chuckled softly.
"How?" I was curious to know more about him.
"He used to wake up at four something, and kept me awake till seven in the morning. Till then I have to entertain him, otherwise he would roam here and there and cause disasters."
We both laughed at this together. Pihu looks a little like Aarush. I would be glad if both the kids inherit his nature, and kindness.
"Mama" I heard my son crawling to me.
"Lo, aa gaya Maa ka deewana" my mother in law smiled and shook her head.
[ Here comes, mom's fan ]
"Ansh" I whispered and picked him up.
"I think he loves you more than anyone else in this house" maa uttered.
"Is that so? Baby?" I asked him and he just stared at me, saying nothing. He just had a plastic toy car which he drives in my arms.
What more can we expect from such little ones? They're just so cute.
Night approached soon, and it was almost 10:35 pm. Aarush isn't back, and I'm worried about him.
Whenever he'll come, I'll just keep a serving plate for him. I quickly went to the kitchen and served a plate for him and covered it with another plate.
Kids were fast asleep. Soon, the bell rang and I rushed, knowing it was him. I unlocked the door and let him in.
He looked sexy in his disheveled state. Messy hair, tired face, still handsome-ness on point. He never fails to smile at me when he sees me. I returned the smile and asked him for dinner. He said he's just so hungry and he'll just spruce up and hop on the food.
He came up and took a chair on his table, looking at his served plate.
But he got up and went to the kitchen.
"Your plate is already served" I informed him, unknowing why he is going into the kitchen. I went behind him and he was already holding up an empty plate while walking towards the dinner table.
"You forgot your plate" he reasoned out and made me sir next to him and we had our dinner together.
Never in my life, I had a man who cared about me like this, except my father. But by man I meant, like a boyfriend. After marriage I'm learning how good it feels to be cared for by a man.
Internally, I thanked God for these little sweet moments he's giving me. I couldn't ask for anything more. Honestly, I'm liking this. I'm loving this.
Retiring to our room, he emptied his pant pockets and kept his belongings to the vanity table. I just sat on bed, thinking, we haven't talked much nowadays. I mean we do. But it's like- care and necessities. But talks are not like pouring the heart into the conversation. I want to talk to him. Regardless of the topic, I just want to talk to him.
I was just about to call him but he walked to me, and handed me a chocolate emerging from his pocket.
"Why this?" I asked him to take the chocolate.
"I think the client will say yes to me. I did a demo today" he smiled while unbuttoning his shirt.
I unwrapped it and broke it in half and fed him a half. "Congratulations, Mr. Nair" I wished and patted his shoulder.
"It isn't finalized," he chuckled softly.
"Yet" I smiled.
He took the other half of the chocolate and brought it to my lips. I gladly accepted it, earning a smile from him.
The man looked hot, with his shirt unbuttoned, messy hair and tired face.
"I wanted to talk to you." I voiced out my thoughts.
I was scared a bit if I had to face disappointment. I know he might be too tired to talk, but I wanted him to talk to me.
"Yeah, let me just change," he uttered and went into the washroom.
Soon, both of us joined each other on the balcony with our blanket after changing into our respective night wear.
"What do you want to talk about?" He asked.
"Anything. I just felt distant. I mean, I'm not blaming you, it's just we're preoccupied by our respective work. And most importantly, being parents. We hardly have time for each other nowadays"
"Yeah, true" he affirmed, taking me in a side hug as we sat on our balcony couch, covered in our warm duvet, and experiencing the cold wind.
"But we can make time, like now" he added, and I placed my head on his right shoulder, hugging his torso.
"Yeah, right. I'll always make time for you, Aarush. No matter what. Come what may" I uttered, leaning in his warmth. He tightly tucked us in our duvet, keeping the ends of the duvet beneath our bodies.
"I'll do too. So what's been on your mind recently?"
"Nothing much, let's talk about the future? How does it sound?" I asked him. Because this was the only thing I have been thinking about recently.
"About the future? Okay. Like us? Or twins?" He asked.
"Both" I murmured.
The chilly winds hit my face, and were blowing gently making an eerie sound. The view of city lights is so pleasant from the balcony, it helped me relax.
"Do you want kids?" I abruptly looked up at him as I heard his words.
"We.. have kids" I hesitated. I know what he meant.
"Our kids. Like, you being pregnant, and our kid" he mentioned in a soft note.
"Do you want one?" I asked him with great uncertainty. I always wanted to talk to him about this. But I never did. Because, we know. He hasn't recovered fully from his ex-wife's loss. And him being intimate with his new wife sets the plot to a whole new level.
"If you want one, I'll never deny." He answered me, looking into my soul. His eye contact never flinches. It always stays still. As if he mastered it.
"Why?" I asked retaining myself in my original position to side hug him and my head on his shoulder.
"Because you're my wife. And I won't snatch those rights from you"
"You want our kids just because I'm your wife?" I asked. I think the conversation is not going to end on a good note, still, I want to see where it goes. I want to know what he thinks about me, our future.
"No, I want kids, because you want them. I'll be happy to have an addition to the family. Where, Pihu and Priyansh will be the elder ones, and they have to look out for a younger one."
I kept mum. I didn't know what to reply. Should I feel good or bad about it? I didn't understand. Why is there confusion in my mind regarding this? Do I want our kids, personally?
"Hey, what happened?"
"Nothing" I replied in a nonchalant tone, and hugged him tightly.
"How many kids did you wish to have when you were young?" He asked me.
"Two, a girl and a boy"
"Woah, then we'll have a total of four babies," he muttered, lifting my chin so I could look into his eyes.
His expressions were still worry-less. How can it be?
Am I the one who's thinking so much?
"We already have a girl and a boy" I straightened my back, as it was mending a serious conversation.
"You didn't want to get pregnant? I thought many girls wanted to" he uttered in his obvious tone.
"And who told you this?"
"Priya. She told me almost every other girl dreams of a family, pregnancy, being a mom, and the other things that comes with marriage"
"That's true, at least for me"
"Then? What changed? I can see you're not excited about getting pregnant like Priya did. My Dii too, was hell excited."
"Because there's a difference, Aarush"
"What difference? Explain it to me" he was soft and tender. Caressing my arms by his thumb pad, in the side hug.
"They made love, with the people they love. They created their symbol of love. The question is do you love me? I'm ready for it, but it should be out of love. Out of our love. The love that sinks us within, but still helps us to reach the sky. Which roots us within, to grow stronger. I love you, in that sense. Do you?"
There was an unmet silence.
The silence spoke volumes, only if you hear it. It screams and tells you the truth, which you don't want to hear. It shouts in your ears, for you to bleed. Just the thing is, these screams and shouts have no vocals. It's just emptiness.
"I do care for you. Just like, I did for her"
I didn't say anything. I didn't want to say or hear the words which would shatter my heart again.
"And about the intense love, yes I'm willing to do that to you. But I need time. Please. I don't want to rush, I want to love you, and I know I will love you eventually."
He cups my face. "I do, but at this point of time, you love me more than I do. I'm waiting for a day when I'll love you more than you do to me."
How can his words have the power to win me when I expected him to hurt me?