YUVAANI
As his words rang in my ears, I genuinely had no words to answer him, or to reply in any sense. I just broke the hug and stepped in our room lying straight on my side of the bed, looking at the ceiling dumbfoundedly.
Not a minute later, I saw him coming inside and closing the balcony door, and wrapped in our duvet. He stood near the bed and removed the duvet, and spread it on the bed, covering me partially, just how I usually do. He then made his way on his side of the bed, covering him too. I could feel the bed dipping near me, I assumed he came closer to me and turned to my side, while my eyes were still locked on the ceiling.
My eyes then drafted to the wall which stood in front of me, that had photo frames. In the dark too, I could see some of them due to the moonlight.
She was beautiful.
"Are you okay?" I could hear his whisper and I turned my face slightly to face him.
"Can I ask you a question? A bit personal" I asked in return, knowing I was digging up my own grave. But after his confession, I need to know it.
"Hmm" he encouraged me.
"Hypothetically, what if she comes back to you? Will you still.. choose me?" I asked with a great uncertainty stirring within me. I took the risk of uttering those words to know what he would do.
As if I don't know! I knew he would choose her, because he loved her dearly. And he began to love me, as.. I think- because we stayed together, we got feelings for each other? But he loved her, himself. Like, all by himself, not because there were any situations like us where we were trapped, and had no other options. It was his choice to love her back then, and he owned it, gracefully. He chose her, amongst everyone. And I know, we won't ever choose me. Even if he does, it'll always be because I'm his wife, not because the person he himself chose to love.
"Par kya woh wapas aayegi?" I felt his voice get heavy. I regretted my decision of asking this to him. I mentally cursed myself for doing this to him. Hearing his voice itself felt like I am the wrong one here. At this point, I was guilty, I want to apologize, and I will. But, first I took a turn to face him completely.
[ but will she come back ]
"Matlab?" I asked.
"Matlab, ye jaante hue ki mai ab kisi aur ka pati hu, kya wo mere paas aayegi? May it be for whatever reason, she won't come to me. I know her."
[ Means, knowing it I'm someone else's husband, will she come back to me?]
"Par aap dono ek dusre se-"
[ you two-]
"Pyaar karte the?" I heard him, and he looked at me, I nodded.
[loved each other?]
Even in the dark his eyes spoke volumes. His eyes were deep, and carried intensity in them. I urged to touch his face, and I did.
Some day or the other, we had to talk about this. I always wanted him to share his feelings with me. Earlier, we were not that comfortable, but now we are. I know, we can never fill the emptiness of losing someone we loved so dearly, but we can't let their absence define our existence.
"We loved each other enough, to let one another go for their happiness" I heard him.
After a blink, I can see his expressions remain static, but a teardrop escaped his eye running from his lacrimal caruncle across his nose and then vanishing on his pillow.
"I'm sorry" I genuinely apologize. I quickly and gently soaked his tears in my palm, reassuring him, I'm there for him. After a few seconds, he tossed and laid on the bed upright.
"Agar woh iss duniya mein aati hai toh, kya wo mere paas aayegi?.. Yeh jaankar, ki mai ab tumhara pati hu, kya woh meri zindagi mein aayegi?.. Aur agar aayi bhi toh kya wo mujhe qubool karegi? Mujhe.. apna maanegi? Mere sath khul kar baat kar paayegi, yeh jaante hue ki ab mai uska nahi hu? Kya woh mujhe pehle jaise dekh payegi? Mujhse.. Pehle jaisa pyaar karegi?" I heard him and my heart shattered. I don't know why. I'm having a feeling like I'm the third person here.
[ If she comes into this world, will she come to me? Knowing that I am now your husband, will she come into my life? And even if she comes, will she accept me? Will she consider me her own? Will she be able to talk to me openly, knowing that I am no longer hers? Will she be able to see me the way she used to? Will she love me like before? ]
"I'm sorry, A-aarush" I hugged him. Dearly. I can't even think of the pain he might be going through right now. I have no words to console him. I don't know how to console him. After knowing him for a few months, I genuinely feel like I can't comfort him. Probably no one ever can, regarding this.
"I will choose you, Yuvaani." His voice was barely audible. I know he gulped before uttering those words. The gulp of sorrow and pain.
"We both had already decided in our healthy days, that if in future we're not together and we have another partner in our life, we will always choose them. We won't hurt our partners, because of us."
"And you know when she said this, I thought she wouldn't marry me! I was certain that she loves me, but that time, I thought, maybe, she's saying this as she said yes to her other suitor. And I never wanted that day to come" he added and chuckled.
Even back then, their words reflected maturity. They believed that True Love is when you let your partner go, instead of caging them and taming them according to your wishes and demands.
She was a beautiful soul, her words and thoughts stand by it. I remember when I read her diary, she's a good human.
"You know, I think love is like fire. Warm and bright when it burns, but after a heartbreak, it leaves behind ashes and scars"
There was complete unmet silence. I didn't know how to make him feel better, but reluctantly, I muttered "But, ashes enrich the soil making it fertile for new growth. And scars tell a story of survival and strength"
His face turned to meet my eyes, an unknown hint of unexpectancy was there in them.
"I never heard this kind of thing from anyone before" he muttered. In turn, I just got closer and hugged him.
I wanted to talk about this to him, but not at the expense of his feelings. I think we should talk later, but I don't think I will ever bring this topic round the corner again, as I saw him vulnerable.
I know, he's strong enough to face this. Infact, he did.
"I'm sorry, I won't ever bring this topic again, forever"
"But why?"
"You're hurt."
"At least, she should be alive in conversations, Atleast. Agar mai yeh bhi na ar saka toh mujhme aur logo mein fark hi kya?"
[ If I didn't even do this, what's the difference between me and others?]
I nodded, it's true. "Yes, she'll always be with us. She's the reason you came in my life, I can't thank her enough"
Internally, it pained. But yes, it was true. It was Priya ji who indirectly brought Aarush in my life. If it wasn't her last wish, he might never marry.
Par dukh unhe bhi ho raha hoga, apne pati ko kisi aur ke saath dekh kar, jaise mujhe abhi ho raha hai unke baare mein sunkar, may it be first wife or second, pain will be same.
[ But she might also be in pain seeing her husband with someone else, like what im feeling right now hearing about her ]
The thing was, I know why I am feeling this was. My life revolves around him. My husband. I am in love with him. Completely. Madly. Utterly. Insanely. And it stabs your heart, if your partner adores another woman, or was in love with her. It will be wrong for me to complain, as she was the sole reason to bring us together. But, can I just have him for myself, just once please. No hard feelings for Priya ji, I respect her with all I have.
But, I'm just desperate to make him feel loved by me, by all the ways I want to experience love from him.
I just hugged him tight, placing his face below my neck and caressing his hair at the back and momentarily placing soft kisses in his hair. I could feel him getting relaxed and his hold on me was losing, indicating he slept.
You've gone through so much baby, I want you to experience the beautiful side of life once again, with me this time. We will create heaven for our two little angels. We'll nurture them together, we'll care for them together. We'll grow old together, baby. And I mean it. I want to see my gray days with you. I want to die before you, so there can't be a single day I have to live without you.
Aarush, you are my first, and will be my last. And I'll cherish you till my last breath, baby.
I looked at his face which was at peace. So delightful and handsome, even in sleep.
I love you.
I leaned down to give a small and tender kiss on his cheek, covering him with a duvet.
â
"Mumma NO!" Ansh spatted in anger
"NEVER!" Pihu too spiked.
"You can never be our mother! We don't love you!"
I could feel my breath hitching in my throat and I was unable to breathe as I saw hatred in my kids' eyes for me. I never imagined it would turn out this way!
"You always wanted papa! You want only him, not us!"
That's not true. I loved Priyansh and Pihu. With all my heart.
A breath struck and I couldn't breathe. Am I dying? Where am I?
Hurriedly I opened my eyes and saw the side of my bed empty. I reluctantly took a few long breaths panicking whether Aarush left me for his kids!
I turned the light on, and looked all over. He was nowhere to be seen. I rushed to the balcony to find no one there. Bathroom. He might be there. I hurriedly put my palm over the bathroom door, and it opened inwards, as if someone else was opening it.
I looked up and met his eyes, and I could sense the relief spreading over my heart.
"Vaani? Why are you so sweaty?" I heard him.
I sobbed and clinged on his shoulder and cried silently.
Paranoids are real.
"I- you- no!!"
"Easy. Easy, relax!" He held me and brought me to bed, offering me some water. I just took a sip. My heart was still anxious over that traumatizing dream. Which I never wanted to come true.
"Are you alright? Had a nightmare?"
I just nodded.
"Please- don't keep kids- no- I love them, I-"
He cupped my face and uttered in his tender voice "Yes, I know you love them. And I know your love for them is genuine. We all know that" He reassured me hugging me, placing his chin over my head, while caressing my arms.
"They will not- accept me" I miserably formed my fear in words, expressing to him.
"They will"
"How do you know? Do you even-" I broke the hug and spat back thinking he won't understand my fears and feelings.
"Because I accepted you"
I looked blankly at him, while he was caressing my shoulders to relax me, and then again took me in a hug.
I am lucky to have him.
-----
Hey peeps!
I'm genuinely thankful to you that you've been till this part of the story. I know I'm inconsistent and that might cause a repulsion in loving this book.
But, I'm genuinely thankful for the ones who commented on the last chapter even after waiting for months! Thank YOU!
This was an emotional chapter, so please I would want to hear the reviews about this chapter. Feel free to share them.
Also, If we are talking about emotions here, many of us have been at the phase at least once where we think we can't share this feeling (any feeling you feel) with anyone. Because the feeling might look so deep to us, that we think that no one else than us will understand. Can I hear that side of yours, darling? May it be happy or sad, or any kind of feeling. May it be soo deep or just a simple joy that made you smile, or a thing which you always wanted to share but you lack listening ears! Feel free to share here (only if you want to) as most of us are by anonymous here, I don't think we will judge each other right? We're just regulating our emotions and no one will talk bad about it, if someone does, I'll delete that comment.
See you soon ;)