Yuvaani
It has been two weeks I've done lactation Induction and began feeding the babies. As we were already much concerned about Priyansh, Aarush guessed that as his twin, Pihu might have the same symptoms so we got her checked too. To our relief, we learnt that Pihu's immune system was stronger than Priyansh, but there was risk she could be the victim of the same, as she too had been deprived of mother's milk.
Priyansh grew healthier. He was more active than he used to. I'm content seeing his improvements. Both the kids learnt to say 'Mama'. As they're too small to be corrected, I've decided I'll teach them 'Mumma' later on.
I sighed. It has two weeks of my marriage too. But it feels like numb. We only had specific interactions regarding kids, their necessities, food, legal terms etc. Can I be honest? I'm not willing to accept the voidness that is growing inside me. My days just pass. Just pass. It's like wake up, kids care, looking after family, cook meals, have meals, sleep, talk minimal. That's it.
His parents support me. I'm grateful for that. I didn't feel like I'm an outsider when I'm with them. They treat me as Ishaani Di and Aarush. Even, Ishani Di is my support system here. She takes care of me. Even on my first night when I was out on sofa, and she learnt the same, she felt bad. And it was clearly evident on her face. That's the reason she told me to occupy the fourth bedroom of the house instead of being on sofa.
My days pass by well, but the nights are real challenge. During the day stuff keeps me occupied, but I spend my nights in solitude. Since the day I got married I never slept in his bedroom. I agree, my belongings are there, I can spend my daytime there, even night time too. But I can't sleep there, according to him. So ironically, our house is full now. I left a small sad laugh.
As in, the first bedroom is for Aarush and kids, second for his parents, third for Di's family and fourth is for me. Anyways, what's the use of thinking it now? It ain't gonna change anything. I took steps towards my room for sleeping. The very fact that I sleep here is unknown to his parents. Just Di, Jiju, Aarush and I are aware. I closed the door behind me, and made my way to the balcony.
But my steps halted in the way as I saw my reflection in mirror. I took a good view of myself. Especially the side profile. I've changed. My body is changed.
Due to the implantation, the body took several drastic changes. My breast size amplified, I gained few kilograms. I get tired very soon. This all was considerable to me, but what not was- my weakness. It felt as my appetite toned down day be day. My feet swell every now and then. I didn't have the capacity to stand for a long time.
I hate being weak. I really do. I can be weak in front of my parents, but not these people. I mean- I consider them as my family. From my heart. Honestly. It's embarrassing. I thought of revealing my weakness to the family a few years after my marriage, not a few days. What will they think? It has been just two weeks, and a newly wedded bride falls sick. I don't want to present my weak side in front of my in-laws. Will they think that I'm pretending as to I don't have to do work? I'm not like that-
Stop overthinking!
Yeah. I shouldn't be overthinking. They are sweet a family. They won't say such things, right? And being tired of standing, I drifted myself in bed. And I began thinking how my life was vs how my life is!
Like, it has been just two weeks and I'm missing my office miserably. I miss those deadlines, colleague talks, canteen fun and what not! Every morning I used to get up and run after public transport, Me being late multiple times, me missing the bus as I was behind the clock. It all came to my mind. I miss going out, every morning! Not that his parents won't allow me to, but it's just that- I have no reason to step out now. Earlier the reason was office, now it's nothing.
The term office grabbed my attention and my thoughts drifted towards my savings. I wasn't left with ample amount of savings in my account. It's not that I haven't saved. I had. But for basic things I need to spend! I can't ask him for money.
Naah! Not an option.
He'll think I'm a gold digger. And I'm after him for his money only. Well, before marriage I decided itself, that I'll search for an online part time work-from-home job. And I would work at night after the kids are asleep.
Implementing this, I took my phone and began searching for those. After good two hours of search I came accross five websites and I took the screenshot of it. I'll figure it out tomorrow evening post dinner. Thinking this, I slept.
Morning rays entered through the window falling directly on my eyes, distrubing my sleep. I sleepishly opened my eyes, to glance the time. I was six thirty am. And it was Thursday too, my phone informed me.
Today is my fast, as my mother asked me to do fast for ten Thursdays every week post marriage. I got up, made my bed and walked to his room for getting ready.
I slowly opened the door and closed it behind me in the same manner. He was sleeping, and so were the kids in their respective cribs. I went to the bed and sat next to him.
I studied his calm and serene face that looked cute as a baby while he was sleeping.
What if you, as my husband would love me? Would care for me, would fight for me, would just hold me in your arms and say 'everything is gonna be alright', would be just there for me?
But I guess, I'm not lucky enough.
I wanted to tell him, what it means to be his wife. I want to tell him what it feels to be the mother of his kids. I want to express, but I can't. He won't understand as he's himself dwelling in his part of grief.
My breadth weavered as I found his hands over my wrist, taking good hold of it and engulfing it.
"Umm.. Priya!" The words uttered his mouth, just to break my hope. Again.
I've learnt it the hard way- but it's a fact that it hurts when your partner yearns for other person even when you are with them. They just don't consider our presence and just-
Leave it. These things have no meaning. Right?
I pulled my hand, and he got up sensing the sudden movement. He opened his eyes abruptly and sat. He looked at me and was about to say something.
"I'm not Priya" with the statement I gave him a small smile that would barely reach my eyes.
His eyes widened in reaction "I-I'm sorry!" I nodded.
And I took my clothes and went to washroom. After good thirty minutes I came back and I didn't saw him in room. I took this good opportunity to do the saree plates.
It was first time after my marriage I'm trying to wear this saree. As last two weeks I've been a bit weak and I couldn't fast in that condition. So it's my first time now. And to my surprise, I did well and pinned it. All credit goes to YouTube. I went to the living room area and saw him there. He was reading the newspaper. I went in kitchen to make tea. I felt a bit drowsy while making the tea but I ignored and drank water to subside it.
I gave him, Papa, Maa, Di and Jiju their respective tea. I didn't feel like taking one today. Last night we had a joint dinner. No 'separate' dinner but he didn't objected. Di informed me that it's his traits. Whenever he's angry he does this with family and after a few days he's back to normal.
So I thought to make Besan Chilla for everyone. If he didn't refuse now, we'll continue to have joint meals.
I took my steps towards the kitchen and took a bowl to stir the ingredients in it. I grabbed a few onions and
THUDD!
How did I-
Fall on my butt?
Weakness indeed.
Everyone came to my sight in a panic state, running.
"Vaani!!!!" Di panicked hard and took of the knife that fall beside me as it could hurt me.
"Hey bhagwan!! Kya hua? Kaise giri tum?" Mom asked me in panic.
"I-I don't know-" I lied.
Aarush came next to me and tried to make me stand slowly by helding my arms. "I-I can't- my feet hurt-" I let out a whimper and my voice came out like a complaint.
He moved to my feet and slowly took off the slippers. And uncovered those from saree. "When did these- swollen??" His eyes widened and I felt a shocking tone in his words.
His eyes met mine as if trying to accuse me not to look after myself-?
I felt him coming close and closer. I never thought he would do this-
Is this real world or parallel world?
I felt his arms snaking around my waist and behind my knees.
His touch.
So warm. Felt good. It felt like- I wanted it since so long!
I yearned and craved for that specific warmth more and more. Is this the same thing that's mentioned in books and movies? If yes, then I'm feeling it- and I don't want to let it go anytime soon.
It's true too, I've craved for a loved one since so long. To love me. To touch me. To take my care. And he being the very first person touching me it feels-
Epic.
All I could do was look at him. It was the very first time he was this close to me. I felt myself in the air. He took me in his arms in bridal style.
I never felt this warmth when I hugged my guy friends. This was something different. There was a different warmth radiating out of his body, reaching mine. His fingers which were on my bare waist-
I've to wear a saree today only?
I've felt his grip tightening a bit on my waist maybe securing me, not to fall.
And damn.
Why is my heart accelerating?
Because you've been this close to a man, for the very first time. And I felt something soft under me. Sofa. Those 10-15 seconds were something else. Something magical.
I knew where this was going but-
Can I consider this as our first hug?
My eyes still lingered on his face, they didn't take the name of leaving him so soon today. That was all involuntary. I'm finding him attractive.
Maybe because it's the first time I'm seeing him so finely.
He was on his knees and he put my legs on his laps. I withdrew them immediately as soon as he took them. I felt shy.
How can a wife out feet in her husband's body?
He glared at me and he was intimating. I was a bit scared of his death glares. Hesitantly, I let him examine my feet.
"Kab se hai ye aise?" He asked about the swell on my feet.
"Jaane dijiye na-"
His death glares would kill me one day.
"T-two weeks"
"Post implantation?"Â He asked as he possibly guessed. I knew he didn't want to listen that. But I don't want to lie to him.
I nodded my head.
"Oh God! Yuvaani! Side effects!" His tone tensed.
"But beta, how did you fall in kitchen??" It was dad.
"Wo- Papa, kuch nahi, I think I slipped-"
"You didn't slip" he declared in no lies tone.
"I lighty fainted- it-it all gone black for a minute" I told them looking down at my laps.
"We're going to hospital, right now" Aarush declared in his end of discussion tone.
With that he again pulled me in the air!