I gave a deep sigh as she let go of me.
"I'm sorry mom" I quietly apologized in tears.
"You brought home the best in law, trust me, you have nothing to be sorry for"
I cleared up my tears trying to force a smile. Really I didn't think of this after I put my legs in the air a couple more times after Ellie. I was blind, blind to still agree to have another baby with him two years after our girl. And the reoccurring arguments about us having a proper wedding, a family and now another baby.
I had used my life as an experiment. I had toyed with it, fucked myself up. I was still young, wasn't that old but who would be ready to mingle with a pregnant lady with two kids already?
"I'll leave you guys now, you're my kid, my only in fact, this is your home, you're welcome anytime with your family" she said as she turned to walk off.
"Mom!" I called
"He would be coming over to drop some clothes for the kids..."
"Sure, I'll wait up for him" she replied walking off.
Before that, she had held unto my hand giving me a reassuringly look. I had felt safe somehow, but I wasn't, not even a bit.
I didn't want Mason to know about my pregnancy just yet, he couldn't. I was two months gone, with a baby bump that is slightly noticeable. It only looked like I had a bloated tummy and all this while I had succeeded in hiding it with baggy dresses.
I sat on the edge of the bed with my head buried in my knees. I realized I didn't want this for my kids, what I was making them pass through.
The door opened and I stared it its way as mom walked in with a medium sized suitcase.
"He's brought it" she said wheeling it into the room.
"Change of clothes for the next two days" she commented.
"He's waiting downstairs, wants to see you" she told me.
I stared at her with a sigh.
"Tell him about the baby, he deserves to know" she told me as I got up the bed.
*****
I opened the door leading outside the house and he was standing there right in front of it.
"You could have come in, it's rather painful you had to stay out in the cold" I quickly said.
"It's fine" he replied.
"So you care" he ended with a chuckle.
I got out and shut the door staring at him.
"You wanted to see me?" I asked.
"Yes..."
"I want to be able to hug you one last time before we both let go..." he told me.
I stared at him one last time almost in tears, but I fought it hard.
He had a solemn look on his face as he moved closer to me. That moment, he tried kissing me and I backed away, fighting off his kiss.
"You asked for a hug!" I pointed out.
"Yeah!" he said smiling.
"Come here!" he told me.
I moved closer to him as we embraced each other. I had miss this, the hug. I didn't want to let go, he didn't want that either, I could tell.
"So you've made up your mind to let go?" he asked whispering in my ear.
"I can't" I told him in a whisper voice with a sob.
"I don't want to either" he told me.
I released him instantly. And then, I moved away holding unto the door knob.
"Come pick them up on Sunday, by eight" I told him as I turned the knob and walked off.
As I got in, I laid my back on the door with my head facing the ceiling. I couldn't tell him I was having a baby. I could tell it was gonna make me want to stick with him. I did not know how he was going to feel about a new baby. We didn't talk about this one and what if he wasn't ready for another one?