Chapter 36: ● T H I R T Y - F I V E | Blue ●

† Q U I N N †

The sky, the sea, a clear mountain lake—blue whispers of depth, peace, and infinite horizons. It's a color that feels steady and dependable, like someone who's always there when you need them. Blue has a quiet strength; it's calming and familiar, wrapping you in a sense of comfort and trust. There's something honest about blue—maybe it's because it reflects so purely in nature. It has a gentle way of softening the heart, like a quiet tide touching every shore, filling every corner with calm.

Every time I see a stretch of clear blue sky, Chloe comes to mind. Like that endless blue, untouched by storms or shadows, she brought a calm into my life I never knew was possible. Her presence, her voice, her touch—it was like stepping into a world free from the usual fears and lingering pain that haunt me. Around her, I felt different—peaceful, as if all the noise inside my head faded into a quiet I could actually breathe in.

My heart raced as I hurried toward Elise's apartment. I had to check my laptop, get into the hospital system, and see if there was any trace of Chloe's schedule. She wasn't on shift today, so I knew she wasn't there. But that wasn't enough for me. I needed to know where she was.

I felt a knot in my stomach, knowing how invasive this was—hacking into her devices, tracking her every move. But after running away from her, after everything I had put her through, this was the least I could do. I had to make sure she was safe, even if I didn't deserve to know.

Minutes passed, but finally, her phone location pinged. I stared at the screen, knowing exactly what I had to do next.

I couldn't help but think back to when Elise and I talked about that movie we watched together. There was a line from the novelist that stuck with me, something that felt like I could relate to.

"In the midst of that little tableau of insanity, that to have someone out there who understands you, who desires you, who sees you as a better version of yourself, is the most astonishing gift."

And there it was. The truth that hit me in a wave, pulling me back to Chloe. She was always that person for me. She was the one who understood me, the one who never turned away from my darkness, who saw through my flaws and still chose to stay. Chloe was the one who saw the potential in me, the better version I could be, even when I couldn't see it myself.

She never gave up on me. Never ran away from my twisted thoughts, my past, my mistakes after knowing everything. Chloe stayed—especially when it got hard—and accepted me for who I truly was. She was the gift I never knew I needed, and now, I couldn't bear the thought of losing her again.

But what truly pushed me to make the decision now was the epiphany I had earlier in the church. I thought I would never find the answers, never get the sign I was desperately waiting for. I was ready to leave, feeling like nothing had changed. But then, right at the very moment I stepped outside the church, something happened. It was almost like fate, or maybe it was just a strange coincidence. I couldn't really put it into words.

When that little girl appeared and handed me the blue rose with the note, everything shifted. I took it from her, not thinking much of it at first, but when I read the note, it was as if the world had finally made sense. Right then, in that very instant, I knew that was the sign I needed. The courage to act. To stop hiding, stop running away from what I knew in my heart was right. It was like all the scattered pieces of my thoughts finally fell into place.

Chloe. She's always been my blue—the calm in my storm, the one who brought me peace when everything else felt uncertain. She was the person I could be myself with, the one who never turned away, no matter how broken I was. She cried every day during my absence, and yet, she still called out for me, still held onto hope.

I've put her through so much, more than anyone should ever bear. She didn't deserve that kind of pain, the kind I inflicted on her. But now, I'm ready. I'm ready to be the person she always believed I could be. I'm not the same. I'm better. And I won't let her carry the weight of my mistakes any longer. It's time to make things right, to show her that I'm here, truly here, and I won't leave her again.

† C H L O E †

Just like the lyrics of that song, "Somewhere over the rainbow, the skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true." Blue. It's more than just a color; it's a longing, a yearning for something beyond what we know. It's a dream that feels just out of reach, a reminder that there's something greater, something more beautiful than the world around us. Blue holds the kind of peace that calms the soul, a quiet whisper that says there's more to life than what meets the eye.

But there's also a sadness that lingers in blue, a certain heaviness, soft yet undeniable. Even the character Sadness in Inside Out wore that same shade, a color that speaks of feeling low. And in my darkest times, it's all I see—the world painted in shades of blue, a color that wraps itself around my heart like a cold, unshakable ache. It's as though sadness had taken its brush and washed everything in a pale hue, a color that spoke without words, filling the air with an endless, silent longing.

Today, I felt that blue. Not the kind that brings comfort, but the kind that weighs heavy on the heart. The kind that's been with me for nearly two years now. No matter how many distractions I filled my day with—how many friends I talk to, how much time I spend with my family—when I go to bed at night, I'm still met with that empty space beside me. The coldness of it reminds me of the warmth that's been missing for so long, the warmth that used to come from her presence.

I walked through the park again, a place where couples, families, and friends gather, their laughter echoing through the air. I envy them, the ones who aren't walking alone. But honestly, it's better to be here, in the fresh air, surrounded by life, than back in the silence of my empty room.

As I strolled along, I couldn't help but smile a little, despite the ache in my chest. The sound of laughter, the rustling of leaves, and the occasional song of a bird—it all felt soothing, like life continues, even in the sadness. But then, in the distance, I saw her again. That familiar figure. The one that haunts my dreams, the one I've been longing to see—Quinn.

Standing there, so close, yet so far away. And suddenly, I realized—I'm in this loop again, a loop I didn't want to escape anymore. I'm desperate to stay here, to keep her in this moment, to make sure she doesn't slip away again.

I took a few slow steps toward her. Her face, as usual, is unreadable, blank. But I've gotten used to it. It's better than nothing. And even though I wanted to close the distance between us, I hesitated. I couldn't bring myself to touch her, afraid that if I do, she'll vanish again, like she's done so many times before. So, I stayed there, frozen, keeping just enough space between us.

I let out a heavy sigh, the kind that felt like it came from the deepest part of my soul, as I stared into Quinn's eyes. "You know, Quinn... I'm starting to hate these dreams." My voice cracked with the weight of my words. "But it's the only time I get to see you anymore. And every time I try to touch you, to hold you, to feel you... you just vanish, like you were never here. It sucks. But... it's still better than waking up and not seeing you at all. So please... let me stay here. I don't want to wake up anymore."

Tears streamed down my face, and for the first time in a long while, it felt real. But I knew it wasn't. I was just tired of being alone. Tired of this aching void that followed me every day when I woke up.

I waited for her response, but as usual, Quinn stood there, silent, just staring into my eyes. Her presence so still, like she was made of the same air that surrounded me. I missed hearing her voice more than I could put into words. The silence was too much to bear.

"I missed you so much, Quinn," I whispered, my voice breaking as I spoke.

Then, out of nowhere, something shifted. The air around me seemed to thicken, and I felt a change in the atmosphere. My heart skipped a beat. This dream... it felt different.

"Chloe..."

My breath caught in my throat. For the first time, I heard her speak. My heart raced. Was I losing my mind? Was the pain so deep that I was beginning to hear her in my dreams too?

I blinked, and before I could process it, Quinn moved closer, closing the gap between us. She reached out and gently took my hand.

"I'm so sorry," she said, her voice full of regret. "For putting you through all that."

I could feel her, really feel her now. Her warmth, her touch. This was different from any dream before. It was too real.

"But baby," she continued, her voice low and sincere. "This isn't a dream. I'm here, Chloe."

I froze. My heart pounded in my chest. Was it really her? Or was I just losing my grip on reality, clinging to the image of her because my heart couldn't let go? I didn't know anymore. All I knew was that in this moment, everything felt so real.

"I missed you too so much, Chloe. I felt like I was dying every day being away from you." Quinn's voice cracked, her eyes brimming with tears. Seeing her like that, so vulnerable, something inside me snapped. And then it hit me—this wasn't just some dream anymore. This was real. She was really here, standing before me, and that made everything I had been holding in come rushing to the surface.

"Quinn?" My voice trembled, unsure if I was truly awake, or still caught in some half-formed hallucination.

"I'm here, Chloe." Her words wrapped around me like a lifeline, and yet... something was wrong. The rush of emotions hit me all at once—joy, disbelief, confusion, and then anger.

Before I could stop myself, I pulled my hand away from hers, feeling a surge of fury bubble up inside me. My heart, still raw and aching, could no longer hold back.

"What the hell, Quinn?! Why?" The words exploded from my chest, and my voice raised in a mixture of pain and frustration. "How could you do this to me?" Tears streamed down my face as my emotions swirled, out of control. "Why did you leave me?!"

I couldn't hold it in anymore. The hurt, the abandonment, everything I had been burying deep inside me—it all came rushing out like a tidal wave, drowning me in grief. I needed answers. And no matter how much I missed her, I couldn't pretend everything was fine.

"I had to, Chloe. Because I was already hurting you," Quinn's voice trembled as she spoke. She looked away, her hands wringing together in an anxious motion. "My mind... it's been haunting me. The urge to hurt someone or myself, to inflict pain, it was crawling its way back. I was too weak to fight it. I couldn't keep doing that to you. I didn't want to end up like him. I didn't want to end up like Papa." She paused, her eyes brimming with tears. "So I had to leave."

I could barely catch my breath, the weight of her words crushing me. "You weren't hurting me, Quinn. You even refused when I told you I'd be fine," I said, my voice soft but firm, trying to make her understand.

"And that was the problem, Chloe," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "You volunteered yourself to be hurt. And I didn't want that anymore. I couldn't do that to you. I didn't want to hurt you." Her words sliced through me like a cold wind, and I could feel the pain she was holding inside.

"But I gave you that permission, Quinn. I was doing it to help you. To calm you down when you were struggling. I just wanted to make you feel better," I tried to explain, but my words felt hollow in the face of her pain.

Her eyes closed for a moment, as if she couldn't bear to look at me.

"No, Chloe. That wasn't helping." Her voice trembled. "That was you tolerating my twisted needs."

The weight of her words crushed me. I opened my mouth to respond, but she was already speaking again, her voice tight with emotion.

"Just like how Mama loved Papa so much that she was blinded to see how wrong it was. She tolerated him, allowed him to hurt her. And in the end, it killed her." Her voice shook, the vulnerability in it almost unbearable. "I didn't want that to happen to you, Chloe. I didn't want to hurt you again... ever."

I stood frozen, the sting of her comparison ringing in my ears. What she was saying... it made sense, but it also tore me apart. She thought she was protecting me by leaving, but all I could feel was the hurt of losing her, of being left without any explanation.

I stood there, feeling a knot tighten in my chest, speechless. Her words hit deeper than I ever imagined. "Quinn..." I whispered, unable to find the right words. "But you could've told me. You could've talked to me. Instead of just leaving. You left me with no answers, and I was terrified, Quinn. I didn't know what happened to you." My voice cracked, and I wiped at my eyes, desperate for some kind of explanation.

"If I would've told you..." She stopped, her voice breaking. "You would've convinced me. You would've talked me out of leaving. And I wouldn't have had the strength to say no to you, Chloe. You know that."

Tears welled up in my eyes as she spoke, her words weighing heavy on me. She was right. I would've tried to convince her to stay. I would've done anything to keep her by my side.

"I knew I couldn't trust myself around you when I felt like that. The only way I could get out of it was to leave without a word. I needed to change. Not just for me... but for you too." She reached out for my hand, holding it gently, like she was afraid I might pull away. "I wanted to be someone worthy of your love, Chloe. Someone who could love you without making you worry, without dragging you into the mess in my head. You deserve to be loved without that kind of pain. I needed to do right by you."

As the words sank in, the truth of them—her pain, her love, her struggle to protect me from herself—it broke me. All I had ever wanted was for her to see how much I loved her, how much I wanted to be there for her, even in the messiest of moments. But I couldn't change what had already happened. And neither could she.

"Quinn, I love you." The words came out softly, almost like a whisper, but they carried all the weight of everything I had been feeling. It was a plea, a confession, all wrapped into one. "And I know you're trying to protect me. But leaving me was never the answer."

I pulled my hand away from hers, the warmth of her touch slipping through my fingers. For a moment, we just stood there, silent. The air between us was thick with unspoken words, both of us unsure of what to say next. It felt like time had stopped, like we were both holding our breath, waiting for the other to make a move, to finally break the silence. But neither of us did for a while. Until Quinn stepped back, her movements slow, deliberate. My heart raced, my chest tightening with fear. What was she doing?!

Then, without a word, she turned her back to me, her head bowed. That simple action felt like a thousand knives to my heart.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going, Quinn?!" The words shot out of me before I could stop them, my voice full of anger and panic. It was enough to make her stop in her tracks, her body tense.

"You're mad, furious, Chloe. I get that." Quinn's voice cracked, the pain in it so raw I could hear her struggle to keep it together. "I just want you to understand why I did what I did. And I'm so sorry. But I guess I hurt you too much." She choked on the last words, her sobs shaking through the air.

"So you're gonna leave again then?" The words slipped out before I could hold them back, my voice trembling with anger, and something else—desperation. "You gonna walk away and leave again, Quinn, huh?"

She turned slightly, her face shadowed with guilt, but I couldn't hold back anymore. "What do you want, Chloe? Just tell me what you want, please," she asked, her voice strained, pleading in its own way.

I couldn't think, couldn't breathe. All I wanted was her.

"Stay... please, Quinn. Stay. Don't ever fucking leave me again. I need you, Quinn. I love you." The words were a whisper, but they felt like a desperate plea that came from deep within me. I can't bear losing you, not again. Please. I was broken. I was begging, but I needed her to also understand. She was my everything.

In an instant, Quinn turned around, her movements swift. Before I could even process what was happening, she was right in front of me, her hand cupping my face. Without hesitation, she closed the distance between us, crashing her lips to mine.

For that moment, everything else in the world seemed to stop. The noise, the pain, the confusion—everything faded into the background. It was just us. Her lips against mine once more, and I felt like I could breathe again. Our kiss was everything—fervent, full of hunger and need, a blend of pain, love, and longing. We didn't rush. We held on to each other, as if trying to make up for all the time we'd lost, the distance that had kept us apart. I felt the weight of every unspoken word, every missed moment, all pouring into that kiss.

We didn't pull away, not once. It was like time itself had slowed, like we needed this, this moment of closeness, to remind us of what we had been missing. The kiss was more than just an exchange of lips—it was a promise, a mending of brokenness, a way to make up for all the time we had spent apart.

My heart was racing, pounding against my chest, but there was a strange peace settling inside me. That warmth, that comfort—something I hadn't felt in so long—flooded through me. This was right. She was home.

We kissed, over and over, our mouths growing tired but unwilling to pull away. When at last, we broke apart, I lingered in the sensation of her softness, the warmth of her breath that brushed my skin. And the way her hand gently pressed against my jaw, her fingers tracing the line of my face, grounding me, reminding me she was real.

I was no longer lost. I had found her again.