â C H L O E â
The tongue has no bones, but is strong enough to either tame or break a heart. That's why it's important to choose your words wisely because they have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate, and to humble.
The power of words is immense. A well-chosen word has often sufficed to stop a flying army, to change defeat into victory and to save an empire. If you choose them right, they can unlock the hardest of hearts or silence the loudest of voices. But before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? For how you use them might cost more than you think.
I was lazily sprawled on the couch, scrolling through my phone, trying to decide what to order for lunch. Rosie, was curled up on my belly, fast asleep. How cute, I thought as I debated between Italian and Chinese food. Suddenly, the screen switched, and Elise's name popped up with an incoming call. I answered quickly.
"Hey, Elise. What's up?" I greeted her.
"Hey, Chloe. I need to ask you something important." Her voice was quieter than usual, like something was bothering on her.
"Sure! What's going on?" I replied, sensing her unease.
"What do you do when someone's having a panic attack?" she asked, her voice shaky with worry.
I immediately sat up, feeling a wave of concern. "Are you okay, Elise? Are you having a panic attack?" My own anxiety began to build as I waited for her response.
"Yeah, I think I am. But I'm more worried about Quinn." My heart skipped a beat at the mention of Quinn. "She grabbed a bottle of vodka and locked herself in the bathroom. It's been two hours, Chloe. I don't know what to do. I'm scared to knock because it didn't seem she want to talk earlier." Elise's words sent a surge of panic through me.
"Just stay calm, Elise. I'll be there as soon as I can," I said firmly, grabbing my keys and heading out the door. I jumped into my car, the only thing on my mind was getting to Quinn as fast as possible.
When I arrived at their dorm, Elise was sitting on the couch, nervously fidgeting with her fingers, her eyes glued to the bathroom door with an expression of deep worry. As I stepped closer, she glanced up at me, her fear palpable. I swallowed hard, trying to stay calm, and slowly knocked on the bathroom door, calling out for Quinn. Silence.
I reached for the handle, but it was locked. I turned to Elise, and without a word, she stood up and handed me the key, her hand trembling slightly. I banged on the door one more time, desperately calling Quinn's name. No response.
With a shaky breath, I slid the key into the lock and turned it, the door swinging open. My heart dropped the moment my eyes fell on Quinn.
She was slumped on the floor, leaning against the edge of the bathtub, her head hanging down. Her pants were pulled to her knees, and an empty bottle of vodka lay beside her, but that wasn't the worst part. Scattered across the floor were small, blood-stained pieces of paper, their sharp edges smeared with red. And her thighsâher exposed thighsâwere covered in fresh cuts, red marks crisscrossing her skin, with traces of blood trailing down her legs.
I froze, unable to process the scene before me. Quinn had hurt herself again, and my heart shattered at the sight.
I quickly moved toward her, kneeling down as I cupped her face, my heart pounding in my chest. She looked completely out of it, her eyes barely open, and she didn't respond to my voice. My heart raced as I gently slapped her cheek a few times, calling her name softly, hoping to bring her back to me. Her eyes fluttered open, just enough to meet mine. She tried to push herself up, and instinctively, I reached for her hand to help. But to my shock, she yanked away from me with a fierce glare.
"Don't fucking touch me, Chloe," she snapped, her voice filled with anger.
I didn't say a word, just stared at her, taking in her frustration. I knew that pushing her now would only make things worse. I watched her pull her pants back up, stumbling slightly as she moved out of the bathroom. I followed her slowly, keeping my distance.
As I stepped out of the bathroom, I saw Elise still frozen, her face pale and her body rigid with fear. I walked over to her, gently taking her hand in mine and giving it a reassuring squeeze. I nodded, silently telling her that I'd handle this. She didn't need to worry anymore.
I turned my focus back to Quinn, following her once more, watching as she staggered down the hall and slammed her bedroom door shut. Without hesitation, I opened it again and slipped inside, quietly closing the door behind me.
"Quinn, what's going on? Talk to me, please," I urged softly, my heart aching at the sight of her.
"Get out, Chloe," she replied, her voice cold and distant, her back turned to me.
I shook my head, unwilling to leave her alone in this state. I slowly walked closer until I was facing her. "No, talk to me, Quinn." I searched her eyes, but they were vacant, like she was a million miles away. "What's wrong?"
"Just get out, will you?" She snapped, her eyes flaring with anger, but I remained calm, refusing to back down.
"This isn't you, Quinn. Just tell me what's wrong." I kept my voice steady, trying to reach the part of her that felt so lost.
"No, Chloe! This is me!" she shouted suddenly, her voice trembling with emotion. "The same fucked-up, twisted person who loves inflicting pain on others. This is who I am."
I held her shaking hands, my heart racing as I tried to steady her. "No, it's not. This is a person you made up, Quinn, to hide the real you behind all those walls you've built."
Suddenly, she yanked her hands away, stepping forward to grab my neck. I instinctively stepped back until my back hit the table. "If this is someone I made up, then why does my mind crave to slit someone's skin right now, Chloe?" Her eyes were wide and fierce, her anger evident as her grip on my neck trembled.
In that moment, it hit meâshe had been fighting this urge for far too long. I remembered the days when we were alone, when she didn't even bother to ask for anything in return. I could see it now, the toll it had taken on her. It was as if the twisted desire was clawing its way back to the surface, refusing to be ignored any longer.
I recalled a patient I once treated, someone who had tried to quit drinking. The withdrawal symptoms had made him anxious and restless, his body screaming for more. I recognized that same frantic look in Quinn's eyes. The need she was struggling against was powerful, and it was clear she was on the brink of losing control.
"Is that what will make you feel better, Quinn?" I asked, keeping my voice calm.
Her grip on my neck tightened, and I could see the turmoil in her eyes. "You know it will."
"Okay, Quinn." I tilted my head slightly, exposing my neck to her. "Go ahead and take it out on me. If this will make you feel better, do it," I whispered, my heart racing.
Her hands trembled as silence filled the space between us. Finally, she spoke, a mixture of anger and uncertainty in her voice. "You think I won't do it, Chloe?"
"Go ahead, Quinn. Do it." I remained steady, hoping my calmness would help her find hers. I just wanted her to feel better for now so we could talk properly. I closed my eyes, waiting for the inevitable.
I felt her hand shaking as she brought the edge of the paper closer to my skin. She hesitated for a moment, but my eyes stayed shut, ready to face whatever she needed to unleash. Suddenly, I felt a sharp sting as she swiftly slashed the paper across my skin. It was different from how she had done it before, but I still held my ground, determined to be her anchor.
Then I sensed her hands trembling even more, her breath hitching in her throat. "It's okay, Quinn. You're not hurting me. It's okay," I whispered, trying to soothe her.
But then there was a thick silence. I couldn't hear her breathing, as if she had frozen in that moment.
"What did you say?" Her voice was shaky, filled with panic.
"It's okay, Quinn. You're notâ" I was cut off as I sensed her spiraling.
"Fuck! Stop talking!" she screamed, her voice rising in hysteria. Panic surged through me, and my heart pounded against my chest, echoing the chaos in her eyes.
"Quinn! What's wrong?" My voice trembled, tears brimming in my eyes as I tried to reach her.
"Stay the fuck away from me, Chloe!" she shouted, her words sharp and cutting.
"No, Quinn! I can't do that!" I raised my voice, desperation spilling out. What was pushing her away? Why wouldn't she let me help her?
"Fuck! Leave me alone, Chloe! Stay away from me!" She was losing control, and with each word, my heart ached more. I couldn't abandon her like this; I needed her to let me in.
"Quinn, help me understand. Let me in, just for once," I pleaded, cradling her trembling face in my hands.
"Chloe... just stay away from me... please." Her voice shifted, now filled with desperation as tears began to fall down her cheeks. It felt like a dagger to my heart. No, Quinn. I can't! You don't know half of what I truly feel about you right now! The words screamed in my mind as I gently wiped the tears from her face.
"No, Quinn. I can't." I spoke softly, but the determination in my voice was clear. I won't leave you like this. I won't!
"Why are you being so stubborn? Why can't you just leave me?! Please... I'm begging you," she cried, desperation pouring from her.
I wanted to stay calm, to comfort her, but she was barricading herself from me. Something had struck a nerve, making her retreat into herself. I felt a surge of frustration mixed with the urge to help her. The words I'd been holding back for so long clawed at my throat, desperate to be spoken. But was this really the right time? I needed her to know how she made me feelâthe way she made me laugh, the flutter of butterflies in my stomach when we were alone. I wanted her to know how much she meant to me.
"You know why, Quinn?" I paused, my mind racing. My lips trembled, struggling to keep the words inside. But it felt like I was about to burst if I didn't let them out. I continued to watch her, but her gaze was locked on the floor, too clouded by her emotions to meet mine.
"Because I love you."
The words burst out before I could stop them. "So I'm sorry if I just can't leave you like that. I can't and I won't, Quinn. I'm in love with you." It felt like my heart leaped from my chest, the weight of the confession lingering in the air. There was no turning back now. I had said what needed to be said, and I hoped against hope that it would break through the walls she had built around herself. I wanted her to see that I was here for her no matter what, that this struggle affected me too, to let her know how I fell about her, so bad.
I watched as her shoulders stilled, her breath hitching in a way that echoed the chaos inside me. She slowly tilted her head up, her wide, brimming eyes locking onto mine. But silence hung between us, heavy and suffocating.
Suddenly, I noticed her face losing color, her hands curling into fists, motionless. The expression on her face told me everythingâI could see the struggle for breath etched into her features. She stepped back, but I could tell she was losing her balance. I rushed forward, catching her just in time. As I held her, I felt her body tense and stiff, like a coiled spring about to snap.
"Shit! Quinn, you're having a panic attack!" My voice rose in urgency, but I fought to keep it steady. I carefully guided her to sit on the floor, leaning her back against the bed frame. I told her to breathe deeply, demonstrating for her, hoping she would follow. She tried, but her eyes flickered, darting as if she were trapped in a whirlwind.
"Quinn, hey! Look at me!" I pleaded, trying to anchor her to the moment. But then, before I could react, her eyes fluttered shut. She passed out, her body going limp against me.
I stood in the corner by the window, the fading light of the sunset casting a warm glow across the room. Quinn lay in bed, seemingly lost in her own world, until she stirred. Her eyes slowly opened, scanning the space until they locked onto mine.
"Quinn..." I breathed, a rush of relief flooding through me as I approached the edge of her bed and took her hand in mine. "Quinn, Iâ"
"I don't want to talk about what happened earlier, Chloe." Her voice was soft but firm, cutting through the tension. I paused, letting her words settle. "Please," she added, her eyes pleading. I nodded, understanding her need for silence.
"Okay, Quinn. Just take a rest for now," I replied gently, stroking my thumb over her hand. "Just know I'm always here."
I stood up, moving closer to her, and leaned in to place a soft kiss on her cheek. She remained quiet, her expression unreadable, but I hoped the gesture brought her some comfort. I glanced back at her one last time before making my way out of her bedroom.
As I stepped into the living room, I found Elise sitting on the couch, her face etched with worry. She looked up as I emerged, and I could see the concern in her eyes.
"She'll be okay, Elise. Don't worry." I said, settling down next to her, hoping to ease her anxiety.
"So you love her?" Elise asked, a warm smile slowly spreading across her face.
I took a deep breath, still feeling the weight of everything that had happened. "Yeah, I really do," I replied, my voice softening as I glanced back toward Quinn's door. "I didn't realize how much until today."
Elise smiled knowingly, a mix of understanding and support in her expression. "She's lucky to have you, you know that, right? You're always there for her."
I nodded, appreciating her words. "I just wish I could help her more. It hurts to see her like this."
We sat in silence for a moment, the weight of my confession hanging in the air. I had finally let her know how I felt, hoping it would be enough for her to open up to me. Yet, I was left without an answer, unsure of what she thought after hearing my words. Now that everything was out in the open, all I could do was wait and hope she would let me in.