The first of the holidays went by, and when midnight arrived, her phone remained mute. She'd remained awake to see if Adam would call or message as he always had, but neither ever occurred. It was only further confirmation that she'd kissed her Adam, fallen asleep, and awoke to a different one in his place. It was a bitter despair, and one that only encouraged the decision she thought was uncertain.
Much of her apartment was now stowed away in boxes and had been since the week after Thanksgiving. Where her boxes would end up, she didn't know. Applications were out across the country and it was exhilarating; the first feeling of elation she'd had since kissing Adam. It was her second chance and now that Christmas Eve was here; she knew her decision was right.
All she had to do was break it to her family. The car ride there was silent. Her parents employed a driver to pick her up for the party and drop her off the following afternoon. Mia had almost come up with an excuse not to go, but not knowing where she'd be next Christmas, she owed it to spend this one with them, just as she would spend her last New Year's with her friends.
Her parents' house was decked out as it was every year, the most festive looking one on the block. And the interior was no different. Garland, twinkle lights and stockings hung on the walls, music was playing, and they arranged flowers in vases on every end table. As customary, people from the neighborhood and from her father's business were there.
With her red dress, she blended in with the crowd that had already developed. Some stopped her to wish her a 'Merry Christmas', while others just announced they were delighted she could make it. All of them just went back to the conversations they were having before they noticed her. Not being in the family business or being home often, there wasn't much else to say.
So Mia went in pursuit of a refreshment of the alcohol variety, which didn't take long as there was a tray by half the corners of every room, hors d'oeuvres set up on the other half. It was only champagne, but if she drank enough of it, it would do the trick.
"We should talk," a voice on the other side of the doorway spoke.
Mia didn't have to turn around to know who was there, who the voice belonged to. The voice was just as smooth as it had ever been, but no longer soothed her. Instead, it made her body go rigid. "I don't see why. I figured you said all you needed to say over a month ago."
"I'd planned it differently in my head."
Those words meant nothing to her. All they were all hollow and entirely meaningless. "I guess there's no good way of breaking someone's heart, is there?"
"No, there isn't. But that wasn't what I was trying to do."
"Well, too bad," Mia spoke with an evasive laugh before taking a drink from her glass, "because that's what you did."
"Which is why we should talk."
Mia took another drink. She wasn't prepared to run into him so immediately and expected to have a buzz going by then. No such luck, it would seem. "Which is why we shouldn't," she told him. "I've been playing that conversation in my head for over a month, Adam. You wanted distance, and that's what you'll get. More than you'll know what to do with."
Adam came around the side of the doorway. "I just need it for a while, Mia. Just some time to figure out how we can be us again."
He thought distance was temporary.
"You honestly think we can ever be 'us' again after what you said? Not just what you said, but how you said it?" His poker face faltered then, seeming to recognize the significance of the conversation that still plagued her.
Mia looked away, acknowledging the mistletoe he was standing under. She took the opportunity and lay her palm against his face and placed a tender kiss on his cheek before wiping away the lipstick left in its wake. "I've loved you all my life, Adam, and I've been in love with you ever since I was old enough to understand what it meant. Neither of us can give the other what they need. I can't be your mini Mia anymore and you can't love me the way I want you to or the way I deserve."
The words hurt to say, but were therapeutic. It was a burden off her shoulders; him knowing just how she felt and how deep those feelings ran. "If you love me at all, you'll understand and you'll let me go."
"And what if I can't do that?"
Mia shook her head. "You already did when you didn't message me at midnight on Thanksgiving. You cut ties, Adam, not me. I'm just making sure they don't grow back just for you to cut them again."
She didn't want to cause him anymore pain than he was already struggling to shield from her. That wasn't what this, or the kiss they shared, was about. But she needed him to realize there wasn't an alternative to any of this. Not in the way she felt for him and not in the way he didn't feel for her. Neither of them could help those things.
Adam desired her; Mia felt that much in that kiss. But desire wasn't adequate for her, and Adam seemed too controlled to allow himself to feel any more than that.
When her father came strolling over, Mia forced a smile onto her face. "Hey, dad! Merry Christmas!"
He tugged her into a hug and clutched her tight. "We missed you on Thanksgiving, but no one missed you as much as your fiancé here."
She'd totally forgotten about that. Her mom had messaged her the day Adam left when he'd come clean about their joke.
"I'm sure he got along just fine without me," Mia replied.
"We're happy we could talk you into coming tonight, kiddo." He gave her body another squeeze before letting her go. "Let me go see if I can track your mother down."
As soon as her father retreated into the crowd, Adam grasped her hand and yanked her through the people and into father's study, shutting the door behind them. "You weren't going to come tonight? Are you really that angry with me?"
Maybe she was for the first few weeks, but now depleted of the emotion. "I'm not angry at you, Adam. You said you wanted distance."
Adam rubbed at his buzzed head and walked past her further into the room. "Will you quit fucking saying that goddamn word? I didn't want this much space."
"Well, maybe I need this much space!" She hollered at him. "I can't be around you anymore, Adam. Don't you get that? Just hearing your voice right now is fucking killing me. Looking at you is fucking killing me. Being alone in a room with you like this is fucking killing me. Remembering how you fucking broke me and didn't even have the goddamn curtesy to look at me while doing it is fucking killing me."
This wasn't how this was expected to happen. Mia was supposed to be stronger than this. She was going to evade him as much as possible throughout the evening, talk to her parents in the morning, then leave him and all this bullshit behind.
Adam let out a huff of air before sitting down on the corner of her father's desk. His poker face returned and appeared to be as relaxed as could be. "So why did you come here tonight if you hate being around me so much?"
Mia looked down at the hardwood floor. She wasn't planning on him knowing at all. She was going to tell her parents privately and request they keep it to themselves. It wasn't worth risking him finding out and attempting to stop her, only to take everything back again.
"I'm moving," Mia admitted as she crossed her arms. "I came to tell my parents in person."
She risked a glance up and found him glaring at her.
His normally tan complexion was pale, all color drained from his face. Adam swallowed hard, then licked his lips before opening his mouth to speak. "Where?"
Mia shook her head. "Not sure," she replied, her voice barely coming out above a murmur. "I have a bunch of job applications out right now. The most promising one is an old friend of my boss down in Arizona. I've spoken to her a few times, and she seems nice."
"So, none of this is for sure then."
"It's just the destination that isn't. She's supposed to call me in a few days to let me know. If I get the job, I'll be leaving right after New Year."
Adam let out a forced laugh. "Wow. That really is more distance than I'll know what to do with."
"It's for the best, Adam. I can't keep holding onto this stupid fantasy, pining away for a guy who I know will keep hurting me."
Adam shifted against the hard wood of the desk, eventually standing and leaning against it. "You were wrong about one thing before. I could love you the way you want," he conceded before rubbing at his neck. "Something tells me it would be as easy as breathing."
Mia could feel the harsh 'but' in the air. "Maybe you could, but you would never allow yourself to," she speculated, and by the expression on his face, she'd hit it dead on. "I deserve someone who wants to love me back."
"You do deserve that," he said softly as he tapped his knuckle against the wood of the desk. "God, all of this because of a kiss."
He still didn't get it.
"No. All of this because when I cried against you after my first kiss, it wasn't because the kiss was bad, it was because it wasn't you. When I lost my virginity, the same thing happened. I have loved you all my life, and that love is ruining me. And as long as we're around each other, it will only get worse."
Mia walked up to him, her steps slow, then placed her palms on his cheeks to force him to look at her. "I don't regret that kiss because it gave me a piece of you I can have forever. It meant everything to me, but it tore you apart and it kills me that you felt like that, but I can't change that. All I can change is the future. If I stay, I know I'll never allow myself to love anyone but you and I'll end up living most of my life alone, holding onto hope that someday you'll look at me the same way I look at you. I need to leave, Adam, and I need you to let me go."
Adam's hands dug into her sides and his eyes pinched shut, tears dripping down. No poker face. No resentment. Just her Adam. "I can't."
She pet his head, seeking to give him some measure of relief. "You don't have a choice, Adam."
He looked up at her then. "There's always a choice."