One chapter left after this one!!
It's coming to an end. I'm exited and heartbroken at the same time.
Enjoy xx
------------
Fabio and I haven't seen much of each other this week.
We came back to Andorra on Monday and we both went our separate ways. Fabio went to Borja and I did laundry. We slept in the same bed, but I was already asleep when he came back.
The other days weren't much different. We ignored all our issues and didn't talk about them. We did things together, but it was different than normal. I cooked and we ate dinner together, mostly in silence. When one of us left the house, we'd only share a quick kiss on the cheek or forehead.
I miss him..
The only moment I felt like things were back to normal was when we had dinner with Jorge Martin and Yara.
Fabio takes my hand as soon as I step out of the car. That's a first this week. I frown, looking down at our hands. He squeezes it softly, making me look up to him.
"Let's enjoy tonight", he says, with a small smile.
And I did enjoy it. It was like we were the perfect couple. But that ended when we came home.
As soon as we came home last night, things were awkward.
I make my way upstairs and get ready for bed, but Fabio doesn't come up. I get back downstairs, wearing his rope over my nightgown. I wore them again this week. Fabio usually wanted me to sleep in his shirts and always made sure to lay one on the bed for me. But he didn't, so I got my nightgowns out of the closet again.
He's laying on the couch, eyes closed, almost like he's going to sleep here.
"I enjoyed tonight", I start, sitting down in one of the chairs.
"That's good", his voice is soft and his eyes stay closed.
"A-are you mad at me?", I hesitantly ask. My voice isn't steady and you can almost hear the weakness in it. My eyes are on the carpet, I don't dare to look at Fabio, but from the corner of my eyes, I see him shifting in his seat.
"I was"
It a confirmation to something I already knew. But it still hurts to hear. If he loses the championship, it's on me, that's for sure.
"I'm sorry", the words are whispered, because I can't trust my voice. I don't even know if Fabio heard them, but I walk away anyway. I walk out back. It's cold, but I don't care. I don't even really feel it, when I walk barefoot on the grass.
I feel so stupid. Stupid for thinking we could work. Stupid for thinking I could be good enough. Stupid for not thinking about Fabio's career. How this all affects him and his career.
So that's where we are now. I stayed out for most of the night, shaking when I finally came inside. Fabio was fast asleep by then, but I didn't join him, it didn't feel right.
I took the time to clean the house, to make sure everything was how it's supposed to be. And when the clock hit seven, I changed my clothes and got out of the house. I need some space today. I know Tony is closeby, he's here for some event and staying in the hotel. So I just go there.
It's a twenty minute walk to the hotel and it's perfect to clear my mind a little.
The receptionist gives me his room number without asking questions and as soon as I find it, I'm knocking on his door.
I didn't realise the time, when I hear a groan on the other side.. I'm waking him.
The door opens and a tired, confused looking Tony is standing in the doorway.
"I'm so sorry for waking you. I didn't really think this through", I say, stepping back, looking around. What do I do now? Do I walk around for a few hours?
"Julie, come in. It's fine", Tony says immediately. He pulls me inside by my arm. "What's wrong?", he asks as soon as the door is closed.
"I don't know.. everything?", I say, hesitation clear in my voice.
I let myself slide down the wall, sitting down on the ground. "It's such a mess"
I don't have the energy to cry, otherwise I would be sobbing uncontrollably.
"You can tell me. I won't judge", Tony sits down on the bed, leaning his elbow on his knees.
"We're not in a good place. He's mad at me. Or he was. So I fucked up.. I shouldn't have turned him down or flinched when he made that suggestion. But I was scared and the race was just about to start..", I mumble. I'm talking in riddles and Tony probably doesn't understand one bit.
"Scared about what?"
"About it happening again. The same as in Australia. I don't know if I can handle that. He told me he liked it, but I didn't", I tell him a little bit again.
It's quiet in the room for a few minutes. Nobody talks and it's suffocating.
"Okay.. um.. in Australia, during your race, Fabio took me to the unit and um.. he h-he, no we had sex. But it was rough. He ripped my dress and fucked me. It was over in 5 minutes, but I hated it"
"Shit.. that's bad. That's what Domizia meant in Malaysia, wasn't it?", Tony asks, putting everything together.
I hum in response, "he suggested it just before the race. To relax me. And I turned him down and jerked away when he tried to touch me. That's why I was crying"
I close my eyes and even out my breathing for a few minutes, before continuing.
"Is it a normal thing for you guys? A-a rough fuck b-before a race?", I ask Tony. He is a rider, he can answer that question.
"I-I um.. I.. N-no", he stutters and when I look up I see a deep red blush. He sighs before continuing.
"I've never done something like that. I mean I had a girlfriend and did it.. but not the quick thing before the race. I know some like it. It gives them some extra adrenaline or something. But not most", he tries to explain, a little uncomfortable.
"You don't have to answer, but do you know if Fabio did this before?"
"I know he had sex with Clarisse a few times before a race. But that doesn't say anything, you know that", Tony tells me, trying to downplay it. "Does he know you didn't like it?"
A single tear falls down my eyes at the mention of Clarisse. I shake my head at his question. "I didn't tell him. But he must know right? After what happened last Sunday and the fact that he was mad at me", I try to reason.
"Julie, you need to tell him. He might not realise it", Tony tells me, "he deserves to know. And I know he's closed off right now, but that's only because he doesn't know what's going on"
I nod a little. I know he's right, but it's scary. And maybe he will judge me for coming here or jump to conclusions about Tony and I.
"Can I ask him to come here? It feels safer than his house..", I ask Tony. He nods immediately. "Yeah, whatever you need"
I pull out my phone and make the call. I hope he isn't at Borja's yet.
It rings a couple of times before he answers with a quiet "hey".
"Hey. I hope I didn't wake you?", I ask nervously.
"No.. you didn't", Fabio's voice is soft and I could melt, just by the sound of it.
"I needed some time this morning so I went on a walk. And I ended up in front of Tony's room in the hotel. Would you come here to talk?", I ramble a little.
"Why don't you come home?", he asks, confusing in his voice.
"O-oh.. if that's what you want", I stutter a little.
Tony reaches for the phone and I hand it to him. I don't know if I feel comfortable to talk in his home.
"Fab, hey. Maybe it's best for Julie if you come here", I hear him say.
"Yeah, but she needs to feel completely safe and after, you can take her home"
"Yeah. But you'll get through this. I've never seen two people more in love than you", that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard about our relationship.
"Yeah, I will. See you soon", Tony says, handing me the phone back and motions for me to put it against my ear.
"Julie?", I hear Fabio's voice. I make a little hum sound. "I love you, never forget"
And with that the phone call ends and tears stream down my face.
Tony helps me up and on the bed. He takes some sweats and a shirt, giving it to me. "Here, get comfortable in bed. Your body is exhausted"
I nod and Tony turns around and walks into the bathroom, giving me privacy.
I change and lay down in the very soft and comfortable bed, thinking about everything that happened.
"Julie", I hear and feel a little shake on my shoulder. I slowly open my eyes and blink a few times.. remembering where I am and why.
"Fabio's here to talk. I'll leave, okay?", Tony tells me slowly, carefully.
I nod, sitting up. I see Fabio sitting on a chair close to the bed. He's observing me and it makes me a little uncomfortable.
I hear the door close and we're alone.
"Thank you for coming here", I start softly. I look at the white wrinkled bedsheets. "I think we're not doing so well. And you deserve an explanation", I try to explain. Fabio's quiet, not saying a word.
"I think my biggest problem is insecurities. Well I know it is. I've been working on that in therapy, but that doesn't just go away", I explain. "In the Netherlands I had insecurities about not being able to cheer you up after a bad result for example"
Fabio's still quiet. I can feel his eyes on me, but I don't meet them, I keep looking at the bedsheets.
I sigh, "but um.. what we did in Australia. That.. um.. that wasn't good for me. The sex thing, I mean", I finally get out. "And I know you liked that and it caught me by surprise. But I'm really afraid you like other things than me. And I was really afraid it would happen again and there would be nothing I could do about it. I couldn't stop you that time, how could I stop you a second time", I ramble on. I don't know if I make sense. Tears stand in my eyes, but I don't want to let them fall. I've been weak and I don't want to be anymore.
"I thought you liked that"
"I felt dirty and disrespected. You thanked me afterwards like I was a prostitute", I let my emotions out and softly cry, again..
"Shit.. Ma Chérie, I never knew. I would've never done that if I knew", he rushes out. He makes his way over to the bed and sits down next to me. "I'm sorry"
"It's fine. I am the one to apologise. I ruined your last race. And all I do is giving you a hard time", I tell him. His arms wrap around me, as soon as these words leave me.
"That's not true"
"It is and it makes me sad. I should be a steady rock. Something you don't have to worry about during a race weekend. And I'm not", I sigh, I wiggle myself out of his embrace.
"Do you even want me around next week? I'm only distracting you", I ask, shifting away a little.
"You're not. And I need you around", he says firmly. "But it sounds like you're breaking up with me"
I shrug. Am I? No.. I'm not. I just want to protect him. "I still love you more than anything", I say instead. "Let's just see how things go, okay?"
"What does that even mean?", Fabio's asks confused but careful.
"I know you sort of broke up with me in Malaysia", I grimace. I remember his angry yelling now. "And your career is top priority right now. So if you want out or want space, I'm okay with that. But if you want me close, I'll be there", I try. It's the only thing I can come up with. "And after the season, we'll talk about our future. Together or apart"
Fabio nods a little. "But if you want something or don't want something, you have to tell me. It's not about me here, it's about us"