Julie's POV
It's Wednesday already and Carlos is coming by today again. Fabio is still here, he called Tom and told him he wouldn't be coming to Greece. Atleast not right now. I don't think he's gonna go next week either, but he didn't tell Tom that, right away.
Monday was a strange day. I suddenly felt very horny and needed to be touched. I'm glad nothing really happened though. I don't know if I needed that right now. Yesterday I stayed in bed a lot. Fabio was with me almost the entire time. He made sure I ate and that I was comfortable. I was really grateful. In the evening we actually went down together and both did a work out. Well my workout was only a 5 minute run, a few exercises and a 10 minute training on the crosstrainer. But it was something. Fabio did a really fast run and some exercises as well. It was nice watching him train those muscles, can't complain about that.
"Hello Julie, how're you feeling?", Carlos walks in the living room. I didn't even hear the doorbell. Fabio kisses my head and sits down on the couch on the other side.
"I've been doing quite good. Really tired, but a little bit more relaxed. Although I'm nervous for today", I tell him. I pull my legs up, making myself comfortable. I'm in sweats and a hoodie, both from Fabio.
"Can you tell me why that is?"
"Well yeah. I think today is gonna be more difficult. There's a lot we didn't talk about yet. And those things are worse than what we talked about"
"Okay, let's first talk about Tom. We didn't finish that last time"
I sigh softly, "yeah, okay. We know each other for a long time. He's been a great friend, one I could always count on, talk to about anything. About two years ago, we became a little bit more distant. He was traveling a lot, working for Fabio, having Mathilde as his girlfriend. I had Alex and I think I was in love with him or with the idea of having a boyfriend. So I wanted to spend as much time together as possible", I regret not spending more time with Tom back then.
"He didn't know, I wasn't in a good place the last half year before it happened. Maybe he felt something was wrong because he wasn't even supposed to be in Nice when it happened. But after that we became closer and that's nice", I hold back after that. Not wanting Fabio to think I'm not grateful with a friend like Tom.
"But?", Carlos presses.
"He was or is really great, trying to help me through all of it, but I feel like he doesn't get it. He pitied me and kept talking about how I ran away when I really just needed some space and some time to progress things", I briefly look at Fabio, "and I'm sorry Fabio. But I know deep down he will forget about me when I leave. I thought about it and I'm not really important to him, only Fabio is. And it just makes me sad"
Fabio luckily doesn't say a word, maybe because he's not allowed.
"Did you ever tell Tom how you're feeling?"
I shake my head, looking down.
"Okay, you know what. We'll continue our talk about that one night and focus on everything after it later", Carlos suggests. "We talked about the physical part. But you told me the other things were worse. Tell me about what he said to you?"
"He said things like how I wanted it too and how we wouldn't stop. I felt powerless. And after a week or something I ran into him. He called me a little whore, told me how I was a tease and how I always tried to turn him on with my tight clothes. I got what I deserved. But he wasn't finished with me yet and when he was I would be begging for more, like the little whore I was", I am sobbing now and can't control myself. This hurts way worse than all the physical things.
Carlos takes the headphones and walks to me, "keep thinking about the things he said and how it made you feel", he puts the headphones on and I close my eyes. I hear the same things as last time, but this time with whispers. Whispers I don't really register, but I know they say something.
It takes a long time and I really need Fabio, I need to know he's still here. I teach my hand and try to find him next to me.
He takes my hand and squeezes it. I relax a little, knowing he's here, knowing I'm not alone. I feel a pair of lips kissing the top of my head, Fabio's lips.
Slowly the headphones are lifted from my head and I open my eyes, blinking to adjust to the lighting again.
"Okay, Julie. Are you okay to continue this?", Carlos asks softly.
"I", I breath slowly, "I think so, yes"
"Why are you hesitating?", Carlos looks at me. I think he's trying to figure out if I can handle it.
"I want to continue. And I think I told everything about that night. But the other things.. I don't want to hurt Fabio by saying it out loud", my voice is soft and I briefly look at a worried Fabio, before looking back at Carlos.
"If you want to talk about it without Fabio in the room, you can", I immediately shake my head. I need him with me. "but I think it's best if he stays. It will probably hurt him, but we all are here for you, not him. And I'm sure it's better to say it, than keeping it from him", he looks at Fabio nodding.
"Ma Chérie.. please just think about yourself instead of me. I'll be fine, as long as you are gonna fine", Fabio squeezes my hand.
I nod, "Okay. Ehm well.. I think we established my trust issues by now. What didn't help was that when I tried to open myself back up to Fabio, he had sex with another girl. A good friend. When I was feeling down, all I could think about was how I should've stayed with Alex, how he was right and how I deserved what I got", I pause to take some water and I know Fabio is hurt I'm telling this. He let's go off my hand and is looking at his shoes.
"I um.. right after I found out I had cancer. I only really had one thought. I wanted it to end. I wanted the cancer to destroy me. Nobody would miss me and why would I go on with torturing myself and everyone around me. Fabio would be happy with that other girl, Tom would forget about me in just a few hours, my parents didn't really speak to me anyway so nothing would change there. I asked the doctor to don't treat it.. he told me he couldn't. But I signed a DNR and DNI"
I want to say more, but I stop. Carlos notices and nods, telling me to continue.
"Well a few weeks past, I felt a little better. Fabio and I got officially together. And then I fainted. They rushed me to the hospital and performed surgery on me. I know they have intubated me and the bruises on my ribs and chest told me they probably also performed CPR. I was so devastated when I found out. I could've died, this all could've stopped. I could've had my peace and everyone around me would be better off that way. But the worse part is, I asked them to not do it, I signed it and they still didn't listen. And I think that's how I feel most of the time. Nobody listens, nobody hears me, nobody wants to", tears well up but I don't let them fall.
Fabio is crying and walks away. I know it was a bad idea to tell all of this. Nobody is going to feel better, knowing I wanted to die. And deep down I still want to.
"What do you mean with nobody listens, nobody hears me, nobody wants to?", Carlos continues like I told him about the weather.
"I didn't want to go to Nice last week, but we went. I didn't want to go on a boat trip with Fabio's family, but we went. Not even Fabio wanted me to join. It was Tom's idea. Did they talk to me on the boat? No, not really. Did I want to disappear, yes. His mother told me I wasn't good for him, she wanted to me leave. So I was going to leave Sunday. But Fabio stopped me"
"Did you really want to leave?", Carlos asks. I shake my head, "I love him. But that doesn't mean it's good for him to be with me", I let the tears fall now, I let everything go now.
"Do you still want to die?", his questions are direct.
"Yesterday I didn't. Right now I think it's best. But I can't commit suicide. I couldn't harm myself like that", I look down.
"I think we should check on Fabio and get him back in here. I think you need to listen to him as well. Is that alright?", He asks my permission, I nod and he stands, going after Fabio.
I pull my legs up, under me and dry my eyes. After a few minutes I hear footsteps, but don't look up. I keep my eyes on the floor in front of me.
"I'm sorry", I softly say. I really am. I shouldn't have said these things. Some things are better unsaid.
"What are you sorry for, Julie?", Carlos asks, trying to make sense of it.
"For saying it. I only cause sadness and worry by saying it", I fiddle with my fingers, this all makes me nervous.
"So you think it's better if you keep it to yourself?", I nod slowly, not saying a word. "Fabio, why did you walk away?", Carlos asks.
"I can't listen to this. We did everything we could when she collapsed. We went through hell and really thought she wouldn't survive. Only to hear now that she wanted or still wants to die. Well.. then just die, for all I care", his voice is hard, his words even harder. It breaks my heart, but it confirms everything I thought.