We are in the living room at two and the therapist, called Carlos, is sitting opposite from me.
"Okay. So, first things first. Do you want Fabio in this room with us? Or do you want him to leave?", Carlos asks me. He looks nice, but I'm really nervous.
"N-no.. eh I mean, he can stay, i-if he wants", I look down at my feet.
"Okay. If something changes, I want you to tell me and Fabio will leave. Don't feel bad, this is for your health, not anyone else", he explains slowly, "do you understand?"
I nod.
"That's good. Get comfortable, because we take as long as we need. Fabio can you get us some water and tissues?", Carlos asks Fabio. "Where do we start?", He asks me.
"I don't really know. Something happened. But I think there's more to it. I think it started before that", I look up, looking at Carlos. His face is neutral, no emotion on it. But it's inviting. He doesn't say a word. Doesn't encourage me to talk. It feels good, not pressured.
"My parents are good people, you know. When I was little we travelled around a lot", I smile at the memory, "I learned a lot of languages and my parents always told me to be grateful and help other people. They would give away their own food if someone else was hungry. I think that's why I am caring"
I take a glass of water from Fabio and take a sip.
"But I think that's also my weak point. I put the needs of other people above my own. I'm a physical therapist, I don't know if you know. And that's where I can care and help people, and I like it. But sometimes it's too much. People are really selfish you know", I sigh a little, closing my eyes.
"What do you mean, when you say it's too much?", Carlos asks.
"I want to care, but at the same time need to be cared for. I don't want to admit it to anyone, including myself, but I need some caring as well. When I'm working all day, I feel lonely. I'm surrounded by a lot of different people all day, but I feel lonely", I briefly look at Fabio and he looks sad. I don't want him to be sad.
"Every one of those patients or riders or whatever, want to tell their story. Want to be heard. We sometimes say we are like psychologists", I chuckle dryly, "and we listen, we ask questions. But no one ever asks how I'm doing. That won't change, I know that. But I don't feel like I am getting that in my private life now either. And that's my own fault. I don't want to be a burden. So I keep everything to myself. I don't want to tell people how I'm doing"
Carlos nods, "do you think that's why nobody asks?"
"Maybe", I shrug.
"So how's your relationship with your parents now?", Carlos also takes a sip of his water.
"It's fine. We lived in Nice for a few years before my parents left to Brussels. I stayed and studied there. We don't have much contact anymore. I've stayed with them a few days, a few months ago, but that's it. We don't really talk regularly", I can't say I miss them. But it feels like they don't really care for me anymore.
"Okay. Do you want to tell me about other relations? Other family, friends, boyfriends?", Carlos doesn't ask anything else about my parents and that's good for now.
"I don't have any other real family. Tom is a good friend, he's Fabio's best friend. And um.. Fabio's my boyfriend?", I question it more than stating it. But Carlos let's that slide for now.
"Tell me about Tom?", he asks instead.
"We know each other from when my parents and I first came to Nice. Became friends. I always felt like I could tell him everything and we laughed a lot. The past two years, we didn't talk or see each other much. I missed him. Now we see each other more, but can't say we really talk a lot", I sigh. That's a sore subject as well. And something Fabio doesn't know. Tom doesn't know I feel like this.
"You say, you felt like you could tell him everything?"
"Yeah, well.. the last two years were different. He was away a lot, I was there, but hadn't much time. A few months ago he was there, when it happened. He helped me and I'm very grateful. But I feel like he doesn't get me. And he tells me I'm a sister to him, but I don't feel like I'm important to him", I let a tear slide down.
"Julie..", Fabio starts. I know what he's going to say. He's going to say it's not true. That I know he cares about me.
"Fabio, please be quiet", Carlos tells him directly. "Maybe you should tell me what happened. We'll continue about Tom later", he tells me. He looks me in the eyes for a few moments.
"I need you to tell me as much as you can. You can take your time. I know this is very hard, but I'll promise you it will be better after this session already", he tries to explain.
"Okay, so I was in a two year relationship. His name is Alex. And when we first got together he was really sweet and caring. And I had exactly what I needed. But he changed. He started drinking, he got mad at me, he cheated on me. I tried to care for him. I was scared but I told myself it would get better. I just needed to take care of him and he became more important than my own needs. At one point I wanted to end it. Feeling overwhelmed and scared and needing some care myself, I wanted to end the relationship. But he didn't let me. He beat me. I thought it was my fault, I got scared again and nothing changed. I tried to tell myself I wasn't important", more tears silently fall down my cheeks. I pause to take a sip of water, before continuing.
"One night, he came home drunk, he forced himself on me. I tried to fight, but was really scared and eventually let him. He raped me. Tom stopped him. But the worst wasn't the raping. It was what he told me, how he acted. How I couldn't defend myself. How I didn't expect a charming, caring boyfriend like him, change in that", tears keep streaming, but I'm not sobbing. I see Fabio looking even more worried and a little angry.
"I can see this is hurting you, but you've already processed a bit of this. I am going to put headphones on you and you will hear all kind of sounds. You have to think about the physical things he did to you. How he undressed you, laid his hands on you and got his member inside of you", Carlos tells me. He looks at Fabio, "Fabio, I want you to sit in front of her and caress her"
Fabio gets on his knees in front of the couch, he looks at me with a questioning look and I slightly smile.
"Okay Julie, put this on, close your eyes and think about all the physical things he did"
I hear all different kind of sounds, clicking, high tones, low tones, it's left and right. I think about how he kissed my chest, pulled my hands above my head, ripped my shirt open and pulled my jeans down. How he pushed my panties out of the way, entering me hard. I think about all of it. Fabio's touch leaves tingles all over my skin. He caresses my legs, my arms, my hair, my face, his hands go up and down my back. Giving me tingles and shivers. While I keep thinking about what he did. I feel myself faintly smiling and I don't know how long we keep doing this, but eventually Fabio's caressing stops and I open my eyes. Taking the headphones off, I look back at Carlos.
"Okay, Julie you did amazing. But I think it's enough for today. I want to continue on Wednesday. You need to rest a little. You may feel sleepy, but you really did amazing. Okay?", Carlos takes the headphones and puts them away, taking his bag and walking towards the front door with Fabio.
I indeed feel really sleepy. I lay down on the couch, closing my eyes again.
Fabio's POV
This is heavy. the things she tells about her job, about Tom. She knows she important to Tom right? She's the most important. I think even more than his own brother. Tom has three women in his life and those are Julie, Mathilde and him mom. And I think even in that order.
I didn't know her thoughts were this negative. I haven't really heard anything positive. Only how much they all mean to her and how grateful she is. But other than that, it's all negative thoughts.
I wanted to say something, but I'm not allowed. And I really don't want to interfere. But when she's sitting there like this, tears streaming down, her voice almost monotone, talking about what Alex did, it makes me so worried and angry.
"I can see this is hurting you, but you've already processed a bit of this. I am going to put headphones on you and you will hear all kind of sounds. You have to think about the physical things he did to you. How he undressed you, laid his hands on you and got his member inside of you", Carlos tells Julie and it makes me sick. Sick to think someone else touched her, took advantage of her.
Carlos looks at me and says, "Fabio I want you to sit in front of her and caress her". He gives me a small nod when I hesitate. Caress her will she thinks about what that asshole did? What if she never wants me to touch her again. I can't handle that. I get on my knees in front of Julie, I try to get a look out of her, something that says, she's okay with this. With me doing this. She gives me a small smile.
"Okay Julie, put this on, close your eyes and think about all the physical things he did"
I caress her body, her shoulders, her arms, her fingers. Everything I can touch.
"Fabio, you're doing good. I know this is strange. But I'm sure, she's replacing everything he did with good touches from you", Carlos softly says. "You see those goosebumps and shivers? Her body is reacting to you, while her mind is on what happened. From now on, every time she things about what he physically did to her, she can only remember how she feels when you touch her. How good it makes her feel", I slightly nod. I hope that's true and I hope she okay with that. Not replacing him with me, like she did in her dreams.
"What if she replaces him with me? She did that in a dream once", I quietly asks him.
"That's the mind trying to process things, when she's not ready yet. You probably had some sexual contact, while her mind wasn't really ready to process it. That's nothing too bad, you both didn't know. She's ready now though, you see her smiling? Her mind has processed the bad and replaced it with the good", I slowly stop my movements and sit back on the couch.
"Okay, Julie you did amazing. But I think it's enough for today. I want to continue on Wednesday. You need to rest a little. You may feel sleepy, but you really did amazing. Okay?", Carlos tells her, before standing up and heading to the front door.
"I'll be here Wednesday, same time?", Carlos asks and I nod.
"Fabio, she really did amazing. And I know you two aren't in a great place now, I see that. But hang in there. She can try to push you away, but she needs you, she loves you. I'm sure she's gonna be better soon", he pats my shoulder. "Don't leave her alone the next couple of days", Carlos walks out of the door.
I walk back to the living room to see Julie laying down on the couch, eyes closed.
"You did good, baby", I whisper.
"Fabio?", she whispers, keeping her eyes closed. "Can we cuddle in bed now?"
"Wouldn't want to do anything else, Ma Chérie", I pick her up carefully and walk upstairs. Her arms are around my neck and her head is in the crook of my neck. She starts kissing there and it makes me shiver. I try to hold back a moan but can't help it. One of her hands go in my hair and it feels like heaven.
I softly lay her down on the bed, breaking contact, making her whine out. "Fabio.."
She pulls the hoodie off her head and opens her jeans, trying to take them off. "Fabio, take them off", I chuckle a bit at her needy demand but help her and take off her jeans. She's laying in bed in only a tanktop and panties. Her bra also gone. I take off my jeans and lay down next to her. She immediately pulls at my shirt, "off"
"Are you sure?", I am a little hesitant, I don't want to go too far and make her uncomfortable.
She nods, "I can't stop thinking about you caressing my body. I want that. Naked"
Wait, what? I'm not gonna have sex with her now.. no way. What if it's too much and it's only gonna make things worse?
But if I don't, then she feels rejected.
I slowly pull my shirt off and Julie pulls me on top of her. I kiss her slowly and calm her. Her hands are in my hair and it feels amazing, but I try to continue the kiss as long as possible.
When we break apart, Julie really is tired. I pull her on top of me, kissing her hair.
"Let's just relax a little"
She falls asleep almost immediately. I take my phone and see a message from Carlos.
*forgot to tell you. She may want sexual contact. You can. But only when you are sure, that's what she really wants. Good luck ;)*
Okay, great. So this is gonna be a standard for the next few days..