Here's another chapter. I hope you'll enjoy.
I'm gonna try and update more frequently, just like before. The last few weeks were super busy and hard for me, but I managed to write a few chapters, so I hope it will work out :)
xx
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Fabio puts the journal aside after reading it. And maybe rereading it. I don't know. I know it took him a long time. He has tears running down.
"Is this really true?", He asks slowly. "You really want to give up?"
I look down at my lap, "your mother is right Fabio"
"I need to let this sink in", he says. Does that mean he wants me gone?
"I'll leave. My flight is early anyways", I stand and take my suitcase.
"Please just come in bed with me. We need to talk. But let's do that tomorrow", he says quietly, "please"
I look up and see how vulnerable he looks. His tears stopped but he looks so small and young like this. So broken.
I nod, I can't say no to him like this. Well I never really can anyways.
We get in bed together and Fabio puts his arms around me, pulling me close.
"In Barcelona..", Fabio whispers, "I didn't.. I mean.. you wanted that right? Or did I force you?"
"I wanted that, Fabio. I really did. And I suggested it, not you"
A tear falls down his eyes.
"But.. your dream"
"I don't know. After my appointment with the doctor for my cancer, I'm asking for a psych consult. I can't keep living like this"
"Really?", He pulls me even closer and I can't see his face anymore.
"I think so. I haven't slept in more than a week. This was actually the first night I was so tired that I fell asleep. But after Barcelona and especially after that night in Nice, I haven't slept", my voice is barely above a whisper and almost robotic.
"I want to come with you", he says, his voice a little stronger.
"You can't", I pull away to look at him. His eyes full of emotion, he looks almost desperate.
"I can. I'll cancel my vacation"
I shake my head. "This is exactly why I'm leaving. This is exactly what your mother means. You need to relax, you need to enjoy your vacation. There's a lot of commitment, responsibility, concentration required to do your job. That's stressful enough. You don't need to worry about anything else beside that. Or anyone"
"You're scared", he sighs softly, "what are you scared of?"
"Maybe I am.. But I don't wanna hurt you", my eyes are closed and I don't want to open them, don't want to see Fabio's expression. Maybe I am scared, well yes I am scared. I know I am.
"Maybe you are hurting me more by breaking off our relationship, did you think of that", his voice is breaking and I'm sure he's crying. But I don't dare to look at him.
"What about me?", I ask, "I don't fit in, I'm not accepted, do you know how that makes me feel?", my voice is soft almost like a whisper.
He sighs again, "you are accepted. Why do you think you are not?"
"Because of what your mother said, she doesn't want me in your family", I feel my chest tighten again, "Do you know how much it hurt when she asked me to take that family picture?"
Fabio is quiet for a few moments, "I thought you didn't want to be in the picture", he says confused.
"Of course I wanted to be on the picture but she asked me because I wasn't family. So I think that's enough about not being accepted"
Fabio hugs me closer to his chest, "I'm sorry, I really didn't know".
"It's okay, you couldn't know", I mumble against his chest.
"When's your doctor's appointment", he asks suddenly.
"It's on Friday", I pull back out of his embrace, sitting up slowly.
"Do you want to stay here for a couple of days? Together?", he asks, his eyes soft, his tears stopped, but he still looks like a mess.
"I don't think it would change anything", I barely make out. What would change? I would still be broken, I would still be stressed, Fabio would still be the same and his mother won't change her mind.
"Maybe not, but running won't help or change anything either", Fabio tells me. And he's right, of course he is.
"Maybe I know someone who can help you with therapy", he suddenly says. "You don't have to, but remember how I told you about that sports psychologist? He's also specialised in trauma and EMDR"
I don't really say anything. I don't know what I want. Do I want to stay here, or do I want to leave. What would be best? I need to focus on getting better, I want to get better. But where and how. With or without Fabio's support?
"I'm sure that I can give him a call tomorrow and he makes room for you immediately. But you really don't have to. I don't want to pressure you", Fabio kisses the top of my head.
"Let's get some sleep and continue tomorrow", Fabio whispers.
We fell asleep and it was the first few hours in a week I was really sleeping. I woke up early, but I atleast had some sleep.
I thought about Fabio's suggestion. Of course I thought about EMDR. Although I think it's very scary. But is it only the trauma from that night or is it more? Can I be completely open to someone Fabio knows very well? Can I be open with Fabio there? Do I trust him enough?
I don't really know, but at the same time, he's the only one who can calm me down. So I think I trust him enough. Maybe we should just try this. If he really wants it, I want to do it with Fabio. I think if we really want this relationship, we should consider it together. He needs to stop worrying, I need to trust and be open with him. But what about his mother? Or his entire family? Even if we can get through this, what do we do about that?
Fabio groans next to me. I lay on my side with my back to him and he wraps his arm around me, his head in my neck.
"I'm glad you're still here, Ma Chérie", he whispers. I don't know if he knows I'm awake or not. His morning voice gives me goosebumps.
"I couldn't leave", I say quietly. I thought about it, when I woke up. I could still catch my plane. But I really couldn't leave.
"I'm glad", he kisses my neck. "How're you feeling now?", he asks softly.
I sigh, "I want to say 'better', but I don't know. I'm glad I slept a few hours though"
"What do you want to do now? Want to lay here for a bit longer? Can I make you some breakfast? Or want to go for a walk or drive?", He suggests. So many options, too many.
"I-I don't know. Too many options", I stutter a little. I can't wrap my mind around so many things all at once, not right now.
"Do you want to stay in the house or go out", Fabio asks his voice soft. Almost as if he's afraid I'll break when he makes it more difficult.
"In", I don't want to interact with other people. I don't need any more things to focus on around me.
"Okay. And in or out of bed?", He asks again.
"In"
"Okay", he pulls me a little closer against him, nuzzling his nose further in my neck. His breath on me, sends shivers down my spine. And his hand finds mine, intertwining our fingers.
"Fabio?", I ask after a few minutes of silence. He groans a little, indicating he fell asleep like this again.
"Would you do the therapy with me?", I ask almost in a whisper.
"If you want me to, I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy and healthy again", Fabio groans some more.
"I'm sorry, go back to sleep", I feel bad for not letting him sleep and maybe taking away his vacation, because of my issues. I hate it.
"Maybe you should stop with apologising for every little thing. I'm fine", Fabio let's go of me and turns on his back. I turn on my other side, looking at him.
"I know I have some traumas I need to get over. But I think it's more than just that", I look up in his mesmerising brown eyes. They are a little brighter than usual almost hazel.
"Like what?", He asks slowly.
"It's dark. But it's mostly things like trust, putting someone else above myself, closing off my feelings", I hesitate to tell him.
"I really think he's the right one, to talk to. And we can do that wherever you want. I can arrange him coming here, or anywhere else in the world. Or you or we can go to him. Whatever you want", Fabio says, brushing some hairs out of my face.
"Maybe here?", I ask. I think I'm comfortable on Fabio's couch in the living room.
"If you want that, we can do that", he says, "do you want me to call him and make an appointment for today?"
I nod, "yeah. Let's try"
Fabio takes his phone and calls right away. He talks for a few minutes before ending it again. "He'll be here today at two"
"What about Greece? Are you flying back to Nice tonight or tomorrow morning?", I don't want him to cancel his vacation for me.
"I don't think I'm going. I want to stay with you", he closes his eyes briefly.
"Does your appointment has to be in the Netherlands Friday? Or can you do that here as well?", Fabio asks carefully. He doesn't want me to leave this place.
"Oh. I actually don't really know. I think they can do it here as well", I really think it's very cute that he wants me this close. But at the same time, I don't know what's best.
We talk for a while longer before going out bed and getting breakfast. Fabio has his work out clothes on, but keeps lingering around. He eventually takes my luggage upstairs while I clean the living room. After I'm done, I take my new journal out and want to start writing. But I don't know about what. Fabio leans against the wall, typing away on his phone.
"Are you gonna work out?", I ask the obvious.
"Oh, uh, yeah. I wanted to", he answers a little unsure.
"What were you planning on doing?", I ask.
"Maybe a little running on the treadmill downstairs or something", he shrugs.
"I'll come with you", I stand, taking the journal, a pen and a pillow with me. He looks a little surprised, but also relieved. We walk downstairs and Fabio starts his run. I lay down on my belly on a thin mat with the pillow under my chest and the journal in front of me. I have an incredible view of Fabio's back. His shirt is off and I see his slim figure with toned muscles. His body really is beautiful.
I start writing in my journal. The first page I fill with things about Fabio. His beautiful features, his personality, his good qualities and why I fell for him. It's not just one page though. Every few words I look up and see him looking at me too. Reassuring himself I'm still here and I'm okay.
It makes my heart melt. It's so cute and sweet. And at the same time, it's sad. Sad he's worrying so much and sad he's afraid I'm leaving him if he isn't looking.
Yeah, we really need to try and get through this together.