Hi everyone,
Thank you again for reading. This chapter has a trigger warning. Just a little piece of the raping she's dreaming about. Also this is a really sad chapter..
Enjoy.
xx
------
Saturday and Sunday are slow days. I take another walk on Sunday and enjoy it. It takes me a long time to relax and I'm really sleeping terribly. I'm just thinking a lot and really nervous. I'm going on that boat trip with Fabio Wednesday till Friday, before flying out to Madrid. After I'm going back to the Netherlands for scans and checkups and after I don't quite know yet. Fabio will be in Greece with Tom, Mathilde and Tony and Fabio hasn't asked me to join him.
He's on his phone a lot these past two days, texting and smiling at his phone. I don't know who it is and I don't ask. At night Fabio and I cuddle and kiss and it's really nice, during the day we are mostly doing our own thing in the same room. I've started in my journal again and can lose myself in it for hours, with my headphones on. Maybe Fabio's nervous too. Maybe he thinks I won't fit in. I don't really know.
On a more positive note, Yara and Jorge are really getting to know each other. He took her with him to the event he had to attend and it's really cute to watch. I hope this is what she needs to enjoy life again. I know they exchanged phone numbers before they both left Sunday night.
It's Monday afternoon now and I'm sitting outside. I'm making a list of things I need to pack for the boat trip and Madrid and the Netherlands after. Luckily I have almost everything I need in my home in the Netherlands. So it's mostly just the boat trip and Madrid.
I know Fabio has already packed for the boat trip and a suitcase for Italy for the fashion thing with Clarisse. I heard him talk to her on the phone this morning. He told her how excited he was to go to the event and how he couldn't wait. It stung a little. But he doesn't know I heard it, so I don't mention anything about it.
Tom send me a message telling me how excited he was to see me and it calmed my nerves a little. Knowing atleast someone is really looking forward to spending a few days with me.
Normally I would never agree on being trapped on a boat with people I didn't know for almost three whole days. I'm not good at communicating with strangers, outside of work, and it's stressing me out. But I couldn't tell Fabio this.
When I think I have everything on the list, I walk up to the bedroom to go pack. The door is closed and I hear Fabio's voice inside.
I knock before opening it a little.
"You don't have to knock. It's your room too, Ma Chérie", he says, before continuing his phone call. I think it's Jake, but I'm not sure. I just stay quiet and go to the walk in closet first.
I put in a dress and a skirt with a few jeans and shirts.
"You know you're going on a boat trip, not to the snow right?", Fabio says suddenly standing behind me.
I nod, continuing with lingerie, some nightgowns and sneakers.
"Are you even taking a bikini?", He asks a little amused.
"No, I don't need one", I smile a little.
"Julie, are you even excited to come? What are you going to wear if you're not taking a bikini?", he's a little confused and upset now.
"I'm excited. I'm just not gonna swim. I'll just lounge around in my dress or in jeans. I'll be fine"
"You don't have to lie. Just stay here if you're not excited. This trip is a big deal to my family", he turns around and is ready to walk out again.
"How can I be excited if you don't really want me there?", I whisper, but he's already out of the room. I throw two bikinis on top of all my other stuff and leave the suitcase open, going downstairs and smoking a cigarette out back.
I walk back in to see Fabio standing in the kitchen, ready to cook.
"I don't think my parents will appreciate it if you smoke", he speaks up.
"Don't worry, I won't smoke and I'll wear a bikini. I will do exactly what you want me to do and be the perfect girlfriend for those three days. Anything else you want me to do or don't do?", I ask sweetly, sitting down.
Fabio sighs at my attitude, "why did you agree on this if you don't want to come?"
"Look, I never said I don't want to. I am not excited, because you don't want me there. And now you are trying to change me. And I know why you are doing it, because I would never be good enough for you. But I'll be everything I'm not, so you can introduce the perfect girlfriend", I pull a little at my hair as I bite my lip, trying not to cry.
"I want you there", he says, not denying all the other things I said.
"You're fine with me joining. That sounds very excited", I stand up. "It's good to know that you're agreeing with me on everything else I said.. Atleast now I know you really think I'm not good enough for you or your family. I um.. I'm going for a walk. Don't wait up for me"
As soon as I'm outside, tears blur my vision. I walk around for God knows how long, not knowing where I am because of all the tears. I suddenly hear a scream and I stop in my tracks.
"Julie, do you have a dead wish or something?", I wipe away my tears when I hear Jorge Martins voice. I then realise I'm in the middle of the road and Jorge is on his bike, cycling.
"Shit, I'm sorry", my voice cracks and he guides me to the side of the road, to a bench. He sits down beside me.
"What's wrong?", He asks, looking at me.
"It's nothing", I brush it off.
"I also like crying because of nothing. Thinking about nothing while almost having a crash with a cyclist. It's my normal Monday night", he says sarcastically.
"It's just.. Fabio and I start fighting as soon as we are alone for more than a day", I say after a while.
Jorge doesn't say a thing, and I continue.
"I'm not good enough for him and he's changing me into his perfect girlfriend"
"Did he say that?", He asks, I shake my head.
"But he's pushing me into doing things or not doing things to fit in. Things I don't want. And he doesn't even want me to come to that stupid boat trip"
"Did he say that to you?"
"Well he said, he was fine with it. Tom wants me to join and Fabio asked his parents and brother and they are okay with me joining. And then I asked if he wanted me there, he said he was fine with it. Not that he wanted me there or anything", I sigh. "And after, he's going to Italy with Clarisse and I don't have a good feeling about that. And I'm just stressed"
"I don't think Yara would like to hear that you're stressed", Jorge smiles softly. "Who is Clarisse?"
"Clarisse is a good friend of Fabio's. They slept together in Monaco after the Mugello GP, kissed after his victory in Barcelona. And she told me they were in a relationship. While Fabio just thought it was normal to have sex with her, while asking me to become his girlfriend. I don't know. Maybe that's normal. I am too inexperienced to know", I pour my heart out to Jorge, while I don't even know him that well. He stays quiet, not knowing what to say about his friend.
"Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you all of this. I'll go back, it's getting late", I sigh, finding my cigarettes and standing up.
"No, no, it's okay", Jorge stands up as well, "can I walk you back?"
I shake my head. "I'll be fine on my own. Thanks"
I light my cigarette before walking off, walking back to the place I should call home. But I don't know, maybe it'll never really be home for me.
At the house it's quiet. The lights are off and Fabio is nowhere to be found. I change in a nightgown and sit on the couch. I don't feel like laying in his bed alone.
I read some book on my phone to keep me distracted, but Fabio doesn't come home that night. I don't know where he is and I don't dare to call him. I'm afraid he's out somewhere with another girl. Clarisse isn't here, but enough other beautiful girls are.
Fabio comes back in the morning and we don't really talk. Fabio packs the car with our stuff and we drive off to sleep in a hotel in Nice for a night. Something I don't look forward to. I haven't been back since I ran into Alex and I don't want to run into him again.
I try to be cheerful and excited and even Fabio smiles a little. Let's atleast pretend to be excited and joyful..
We arrive in Nice around seven and we get our things in the hotelroom, before Fabio is off to his parents for a bit. The hotel is in the city centre and after an half hour I decide to go out as well. I can't sit in a hotel room alone. I walk around the familiar area and I even miss it a little. I don't feel comfortable on my own, but I manage to get back without seeing him. Fabio and I both arrive back at the same time and go upstairs together.
"Where have you been?", He knows I don't like being here, so he's surprised to see me down here.
"I needed to walk around a little, it was fine", he nods at my words, taking my hand in his. As soon as we're back in our hotelroom, we go to bed. After not sleeping for multiple nights I'm actually really tired now. I cuddle against Fabio's chest and fall asleep in seconds.
"Don't", I whimper. "Please, stop!" I try pushing him away, but he won't move an inch.
"Hmm you want to, I know you do", he kisses my chest.
"No, stop! I don't like this.. please", I'm trying to get out from underneath him, but he's so strong.
I look up at his face and it's not Alex doing this, it's Fabio.
"Fabio.. please don't", I whisper.
"Wake up, Julie, it's just another nightmare, wake up", I stir awake from the nightmare to look into Fabio's eyes, I flinch away from him and I can see the hurt in his eyes. The nightmare was the same as the one I always had, but this time it wasn't Alex it was Fabio doing this to me.
"Are you okay?", Fabio asks slowly, not touching me. "It's been a while since your last nightmare"
I nod, forcing myself to lay my head on Fabio's chest again. After a little while I fall back asleep again and the same thing happens again. And another two times after that. Fabio wakes me up every time, looking more and more worried. After the last one, I just get up and sit on the balcony. It's chilly but not cold and I just try to relax there. It's already five in the morning and we need to leave around eight, so I just stay there. Fabio falls back asleep and I let him. I've kept him up more than enough this night. That dream really freaks me out though. My mind is playing tricks on me, replacing Alex with Fabio. Fabio would never hurt me like that, I know that.
I keep thinking about it and don't hear Fabio stepping on the balcony.
"Hey", he says, startling me. "How're you?"
I shrug, "tired"
"Is this because of you being here or because you're stressed? Or did I do something?", he asks carefully, he looks concerned.
"Stressed and being here I guess", I stand up again, "I'll get ready, so we can leave"
"We have an hour before we need to be there", he says, reaching out, before stopping himself. "We can go back to bed for a bit if you want"
I nod, "you can touch me though, if you want", I say referring to his arm reaching out.
We get back in bed and I slowly try to relax in Fabio's arms. We lay in silence for a few minutes.
"You didn't see him yesterday, did you?", Fabio asks, referring to Alex.
"No. Maybe it was better if I stayed in here, but I really wanted to clear my mind", I still feel tense and on edge.
"Maybe all this was a bad idea", Fabio slowly says.
"What is?" I turn on my back looking up at the ceiling.
"Taking you here. Putting stress on you"
I chuckle a little, it's sarcastic. "Yeah well.. I should've just said no. I know you didn't want me to join. Now we wouldn't be in this mess"
I sit up, so I can get ready.
"Let's just enjoy and have fun"