Warning: sexual content. If you're not comfortable, please skip
xx
-------
After a short slumber we showered, well Fabio helped me wash my hair and we were on our way to Barcelona.
In the car I open my Instagram again. I see a lot of notifications.
I open the same fan account as this morning and click on the pictures of myself. There are a lot. Pictures from the time I was with Alex, pictures from before, pictures in the paddock, pictures from assen when they took me in the ambulance. And there are all kind of stories beneath it. There are even pictures where they zoom in on my belly as prove that I was pregnant.
"This is bad..", I say quietly. "Fabio, this is very bad"
A lot aren't really nice by the way. They are saying I'm not good enough for Fabio.
"What is?", He briefly looks at my shocked face.
"All the pictures, all the comments and the stories. Did you see all of it?", I ask horrified. I don't want him to see the pictures of me with 20 more kilos than now.
"Most of it, I think"
"Also those fat pictures?", I look at my phone again. I look ugly in those and that's what every comment says as well.
"You weren't fat. But you don't look happy. You look very sad in those"
Maybe he's right about that. I didn't feel happy in those pictures. I know exactly when they were taken. It was a beautiful night in Nice. Alex and I were together for like one year and eight or nine months. He got drunk more often and was angry as well. We were out with his sister, she insisted on making some pictures because we looked cute and I was very pretty in my dress. Well I don't know how I could think I looked good. I look like the fat Michelin man. Well Alex didn't want to take any pictures with me. Only with a cute small blonde. One he was sleeping with, I heard later. So I look hurt and sad in the pictures she did make.
"Well, maybe you don't think I look fat, but I do. Would you have liked me when I looked like that?", I dare to ask.
"Julie, I think you are one of the most prettiest girls I've ever seen. I don't remember you in my pitbox those years ago and I regret that. Who knows what would've happened then. And I don't care if you are 20 kilos heavier or 40. As long as you are happy and radiant like I've seen you a few times", how can he be so perfect?
I lean over and kiss his cheek. He pulls my hand in his. "Maybe it's time to make a statement? On my Instagram account?", He asks. With the way he asks I'm pretty sure he has it all figured out.
"Tell me your idea"
"Well, I wanted to post a text about how you are doing and feeling and thank everyone for their support. And say something vague about what happened. Something so nobody can think this was a pregnancy. And I want to post a beautiful picture of you and one of us together", he concludes.
"A picture of us together? Are you sure?", I don't know if it's provoking or anything.
"Yes. You are my girlfriend and I'm proud of that. So I want to show you off", he smiles fondly, placing a kiss on my hand.
"What kind of text?", I wonder out loud. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and hands it to me.
"I wrote some bits and pieces on the notes app on my phone. Read it", he gives me his password and I go to find the right app.
"How many apps do you have on your phone?" I keep scrolling until I find the right one.
We want to thank everyone for their support the last week. Julie is doing better, thankfully.
Those days were a real nightmare. Julie wasn't really feeling well, but we didn't know she was this sick. The doctors did an amazing job operating on her. And the checkups and scans need to show if it's all good.
Please give Julie her privacy and let her heal in peace.
I hope you will be nice to her. She my girlfriend and I am very lucky I can call her that.
It's very sweet.
"Okay, yeah. That could work. What about pictures?", I look up to him.
"Well.. that's something we need to fix. A picture of the both of us, together"
Our day together was amazing, we started with a little shopping, before lunching and going to the beach. There we ran into Riccardo. After talking for a little he offered to take pictures of us. He did an amazing job taking pictures of us and there must be one for Instagram between them. He also took a few pictures of me, laughing at Fabio. Fabio instantly had a new background picture.
I actually like this one a lot as well. I grin big, my eyes are almost closed and I look radiant.
If Ricki's motor career doesn't work out, he could always go into photography.
Fabio and I have a dinner together and we watch the sun set on the beach. After we retract to our hotelroom, which is truly beautiful. It has a big bed in the middle of the room and it looks out over the entire beach and see. There are rose pedals on the bed and it looks so romantic. There's a bottle of white wine in a cooler next to the bed as well.
"Did you do all this?", I ask surprised. Fabio wears a knowing smile. "It's amazing. You are amazing", I tell him, kissing him softly.
Fabio posted the text and two pictures on Instagram, before turning it off and putting it on the nightstand.
We lay down, cuddle, kiss and drink wine. It's the most romantic thing I've ever done or someone ever did for me.
The kissing gets more passionate and our clothes come off piece by piece. After a while I stop Fabio, he lays back down.
"Sorry, I can barely contain myself", he apologises.
I don't say anything, but get off the bed and get something out of my bag.
"I um.. I found something in your bathroom drawer. I thought maybe this is a good moment", I blush, looking at him. I give him the package of condoms I found.
"Are you serious?", He asks a little surprised.
"Yes, if it feels good. And I wanted to take them with us, just to be sure"
"But no pressure right?", He asks, putting them on the nightstand and pulling me on top of him on the bed. I nod, "No pressure"
Fabio looks me deep in my eyes, like he's seeing all of me, "Je t'aime, Ma Chérie"
I press my lips against his. It's a intense kiss, we both can't stop our hands from moving over each others bodies. The only clothing left is our underwear. Fabio's hands go to the back of my bra, trying to find the clasp that isn't there. I break the kiss and sit up. My hands go to the front and open my bra there. I try to make it sensual, but get stuck on the straps on my shoulder.
Fabio pushes it off and throws it on the ground somewhere.
We flip over and Fabio is on top of me. His hands and lips are all over my body, caressing and kissing it. My heart's racing and I'm getting a little nervous. I feel like I need to do something, but I just close my eyes and try to enjoy all the things he does.
He slowly comes back up, his face close to mine, "stop?", He whispers. I open my eyes, my hand going through his blonde hair.
"No.. kiss me", I softly demand. His lips are on mine in seconds and we kiss till we're both out of breath. Fabio's hands push my thong down and his fingers are on me. Go in carefully.
One finger becomes two and eventually three. It feels a little uncomfortable at first, but eventually it feels good. His eyes are on me this whole time and his other hand is caressing my cheek, neck, hair.
He pecks my lips while watching me with an intense look in his eyes.
"Good?"
"Yes", I say. I want to try it. I'm nervous and excited at the same time.
"Are you really sure? We don't have to", Fabio asks again.
"I am. Are you?", I ask him. Maybe he doesn't want to yet.
"Don't want anything more than this"
He rolls off me, pulls off his boxers, taking a condom. He swiftly puts it on. He has done that a lot of times.
He makes sure I'm comfortable and uses his fingers a little again. Then finally we are having sex. It feels a little uncomfortable. Fabio isn't moving, he's kissing me like his life depends on it.
"Still good?", He asks after breaking the kiss and I nod. It feels a little better and he slowly but surely starts moving.
His mouth is on me and I moan in pleasure, making him moan and groan.
My hands go over his back, through his hair.
He goes a little faster, while his thumb going in between my legs, rubbing.
I feel it burn in the pit of my stomach.
Fabio presses a heated kiss on my lips, groaning softly. "Come with me"
And we both finish.
After a few seconds, Fabio pulls out slowly and lays down beside me, catching his breath.
I close my eyes, trying to wrap my head around what just happened.
I feel Fabio move a little before he pulls me against him. My head on his chest, relaxing.
After a little while I start crying, tears spill out of my eyes and I can't stop them.
"Shit", I hear Fabio curse. He pulls the sheets around me and holds me close. "Was it too soon? Did I hurt you? Did I pressure you?"
I just cry harder, my whole body shaking.
"I'm so sorry. Do you want me to leave?", Fabio let's go off me and tries to move, but I stop him. Holding him close again. "No, please stay", I manage to say.
After a few more minutes I calm back down a little. Tears keep streaming down but my sobs stop.
"I'm sorry.. it really was amazing"
I sit back up slowly, the sheets falling down. "I.. I wished this was my first time. Why did that need to be so horrible, for this to be so good and loving", I slowly say. Fabio wipes away my tears.
"I'm so sorry, Ma Chérie. I wish I could erase that bad memory and replace it with only good ones"
He pulls me back against him under the sheets. We cuddle up together and lay like that for a while.
"Maybe a stupid question, but did he use a condom back then? Or are you on birth control?", Fabio softly asks.
"No, he didn't. And I irregularly took the pill. When I went to the hospital with Tom, because of my dizziness? Tom though I was pregnant. But they checked and I wasn't", I say. My eyes are closed. I don't want to look in Fabio's eyes.
"I'm still on birth control, if you're wondering. I just missed a couple of days because of the surgery and stuff. I wanted to be safe", I tell him. My voice is soft.
"I've never had sex without a condom", Fabio says out of nowhere. "I didn't want to risk anything. They always say it's much better without the condom. Every guy brags about it, but I never did that"
"Maybe that's a first we can do together", I whisper. It's nice to do something he hasn't done before.
"This was a first for me too. I know you don't really see this as your first time. But it's my first time making love", he says.
"Ik hou van jou", I tell him I love him in Dutch. The first language I learned.