I groan, trying to turn around slowly, but I'm stuck. I just want to continue sleeping.
"Sweetheart", I hear my moms voice. I open my eyes and see my mom next to me. She has tears in her eyes.
"Where am I?", my voice is hoarse.
"Shh, don't talk", she says, "you are in the hospital. You had surgery"
Surgery? What? Why?
"You were dizzy, had dubble vision and fainted. They took you to the hospital and they did a few scans. You knew you had cancer?", she starts crying again. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"I didn't want to worry you", I swallow painfully.
"Well you had a mass in your brain as well. So they operated on you to get both out. They say it was successful"
Wait, a mass in my brain? Why didn't they know? That must've been there for more than a few years.
"What day is it?"
"It's Sunday, sweetheart"
Sunday. Race day. I should've been in Assen right now. I sit up "shit", my head hurts a lot.
"Take it easy. It's only 10am. Dad took Tom and Fabio to the circuit this morning. They didn't want to leave you last night, so they slept here"
I nod, "please call them and tell them I'm okay", I say, closing my eyes again.
When I open my eyes, the tv is on. The first thing I feel is the headache and I groan. The room is empty and I slowly let my eyes adjust to the tv screen. The Moto2 just finished and I see Jake Dixon on the podium. Fabio must be happy with that. I find my phone on the table and call Fabio.
"Sophie? She okay?", I hear his concerned voice. He thinks I'm my mom.
"Fabio, it's Julie", I choke out. A tear slides down my face. I'm so glad to hear his voice.
"Ma Chérie? Are you okay?", I hear him crying too.
"Yes, I'm okay. I just wanted to tell you this before you stepped on that bike", my voice is soft, but I know he heard. "I'm sorry for scaring you and stressing you out when it's an important race weekend"
"All that matters is that you will be okay", he says, "I should get ready"
"Good luck. Be careful", I tell him before ending the call. I really needed to hear his voice. I just hope he's okay, he must have had more stress than what's good for him.
I fall back asleep and wake up when the race's over. I only see Pecco, Marco and Maverick. Where's Fabio? I see him walking into the Aprillia pitbox with Tom. What's going on?
"He fell", I look to the side to see Sarah and Jake Dixon sitting there.
"Jake? Congrats on your podium. What're you guys doing here?"
"We came to check on you. Fabio told us what's going on. You know I had cancer too right?", Sarah says.
I nod. Does the whole paddock know? Does the whole world know?
"I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone", it's very sweet of her, of them, to come. But I don't really want to talk about it. I don't even really know what happened and what the treatment is. Is it gone now or not? I didn't talk to one doctor or nurse so far.
"What happened with Fabio?", I ask, looking intently at the TV.
"He crashed while trying to overtake Aleix. He rejoined in the back, came inside and they send him back out before he crashed again", Jake sums up the race.
"He never crashes", is this because of me? Did he lose focus? Was he tired? Did he push too much?
"I think he wasn't really focused and made a mistake", Jake answers my silent questions. It's because of me that Fabio risked his life and crashed twice. How could I do that to him..
"Look you want to talk about how you're feeling or anything?", Sarah asks. I shake my head.
"I don't really feel anything. Only guilt for screwing up his weekend"
"Julie, you can't feel guilty. It's not your fault", Sarah tells me.
"Just know that Fabio doesn't blame you or this situation. He's probably feeling like he's letting you down. Just give him some time", Jake says, before standing up.
"Take care of yourself and your body. We'll leave you to rest", Jake kisses my cheek before leading Sarah out of the room.
The doctor walks in, as soon as they're gone. "Sleeping beauty is awake", he smiles at me. "How're you feeling?"
"I'm tired and have a headache", I turn off the TV.
"That's completely normal. You know what happened?", I shake my head. "You came in here on Thursday evening. You had worse symptoms and were unconscious. We did some scans and found a small mass in your brain. It explained the symptoms and we decided we needed to perform surgery. We saw that the mass on your thyroid was smaller and took that out in the same surgery. You were in a small coma since Thursday night. Luckily you woke up fast on your own"
I remember the interview Thursday. I got dizzy and saw the journalist three times, instead of one.
Shit, did I tell Fabio I loved him? I vaguely remember telling him this before passing out. I'm so crazy.
I nod at the doctor.
"You will be staying here for a few more days, before going home", he says before turning around and walking away.
The rest of the afternoon is quiet. I read online Fabio got a penalty and him and Tom are very angry. They both came around with my dad later that afternoon.
My dad briefly came in and talked to me, before checking on my mom in the hotel.
Fabio and Tom come in after. Tom hugs me and kisses my forehead, while Fabio hugs me and pecks my lips a few times.
"I'm so glad you're awake", Fabio quietly says. He sits down on the bed and takes my hand in his.
"I'm sorry for scaring you both", I feel at the bandage on my head. It all doesn't feel real. "Are you okay? Jake told me you crashed twice", I ask Fabio.
He nods, not saying a word. I can see the anger and hurt on his face. Same goes for Tom.
"I'm sorry", I look at our hands. I feel responsible for his crash and for fucking up his weekend.
Tom stands and walks out quietly.
"Why did you do that interview when you knew you weren't okay?", Fabio's voice is hurt, but also angry. "You are so stubborn, why can't you just take it easy"
Okay so he blames me. "I didn't know it was this bad. I didn't know I had a brain tumor too. I just thought I was dizzy because of the nerves"
"You scared everyone. And let me do all the dirty work by telling people you have cancer. While I didn't even really knew how bad it was. I needed to call your parents to tell them, 'hi, I'm Julie's boyfriend. She's currently in the hospital because she has cancer'. Who doesn't tell their parents they have cancer?"
"Yes, I'm really sorry I put you through that. I left you to take care of my mess. And I know I fucked up your entire weekend. I'm really sorry, I know I screwed up", tears roll down my face and my head hurts even more now. The monitor starts beeping louder and before Fabio can say anything, the nurse comes in. The one I met when I was here earlier. She knows who Fabio is and she knows how I feel about him.
"Sir, you need to leave. You're causing her stress, which can lead to serious complications", she says carefully. "Please wait outside for a few minutes"
Fabio looks scared. He stands for a few seconds watching me, before walking out.
"Sweetie, calm down. Just breathe", I close my eyes and breathe. Trying to calm my heart rate.
"I let him clean up my mess and put him through so much stress while he had this important weekend. I feel so guilty", I cry.
"Sweetie. You can't feel guilty about this. Nobody knew. We didn't see it before. You should've told people about it, but you can't go back in time", she gives me a paper towel to dry my eyes. "I'll be right back, please calm down"
She walks out and I try to catch my breathe.
After a few minutes she comes back inside with a glass of water and with Fabio behind her. His eyes are red from crying, probably just like mine.
"Please think about your heart", she winks before walking back out.
"I'm sorry. I was so scared the last days", Fabio cries. "I know it's not your fault, it's just easier to be angry than to be scared"
"I'm sorry you crashed because of me", my tears start again as well.
"That was completely my own fault. I wanted to win here, your home race, for you", his voice is almost a whisper.
"Would you lay with me?", I ask, looking in his eyes. I really need his touch, his embrace.
He nods, and I slowly make room. He lays down on his back, letting me lay down on his chest. His arm is around me and I finally relax.
"Do you remember what you said to me?", He whispers, he lightly kisses my head. It still hurts a lot, but this makes everything better.
"Yeah. I don't know if I scared you off with it, but I meant it", if this didn't happen, I wouldn't have said it yet. But I did mean it.
"This is a first for me, but I want to say it now. I love you too", he tells me. My heart swells at his words. The monitor starts beeping a little faster.
"Watch out, I don't want to give you an heart attack", he pulls me closer.
"Are you hurt?", I ask after a few minutes of silence.
"I don't think so. I'm stiff and sore but that's it", he says serious. I nod. "I don't know where you will be the next few days. But promise me you get checked out by a physical therapist", I would want to do that, but I can't unfortunately.
"Tony would go home with me. We agreed to a week of training and relaxing. But now...", he hesitates.
"Does he know? Do they all know?", I don't want everyone to know what's going on.
"No. I mean most in the paddock know you went to the hospital. They all saw the ambulance. But only Valentino, Pecco and Luca were with us in the Ducati hospitality. Maider knows so she can manage the press if needed. And I talked about it with Jake. I mean he practically went through the same. I need someone to understand. And I had to tell Dr Zasa of course", he sums up.
"Then you should just go, like you would normally do. I need to stay here for a few days, but when I'm allowed to fly, I'll come to Andorra. That is, if you want me to"
"In a week and a half I'm staying two or three days on a boat with my family and after I'm going to Sicilia for Dolce & Gabbana", he sums up.
"I won't invite myself to your plans. Maybe I'll stay in Andorra till you're back or I'll just stay here altogether. But I don't want to miss you that long", I feel my head hurting from the planning already. "You just decide were I will be and when. I can't handle that right now", I close my eyes and breathe slowly.
"I'll take care of it, Ma Chérie"