It was an excellent race. Fabio dominated and won. Pecco unfortunately crashed out, but I'm so happy for Fabio. He's exhausted and coughing a lot. I didn't want to join the rest to Parc Fermé, but Tom insisted. Telling me Fabio would be hurt if I wasn't there. So here I am, standing next to Tom at Parc Fermé. I hugged Fabio and whispered how proud I am of him. I didn't kiss him. Not now, not with everyone around.
Fabio is sweating a lot and so exhausted he's sitting on the ground in the shadow. Not even smiling big, like normal.
"Tom, maybe you should check on him and give him water and something to eat", I say to my best friend.
Tom nods, getting inside the Parc Fermé and crouching down beside his best friend. He gives him some water and his shake.
Fabio drinks it all quickly before going to the podium.
They do the podium and get the chance to shower and change clothes before the press conference and interviews.
I go to the Yamaha hospitality before I join Fabio and Tom in the motorhome, picking up something healthy to eat for Fabio.
He's showered and dressed when I get in.
"Here, you have to eat something", I give him the package.
"So much for a congratulations kiss", he looks at me with his puppy dog eyes.
"You did amazing, I'm really proud", I say, kissing him lightly on the lips. "Maybe we should celebrate tonight. Just the two of us", I whisper in his ear.
I yelp out in surprise when Fabio pulls me on his lap suddenly. "Or we could do that now, Tom can leave", he says the last part loudly.
He's so cute, like this.
"Noo", I laugh, "Tom doesn't need to leave and you have your press conference soon. So you'll have to wait"
"You don't want him here right? Because I don't know if I would like that", he grins. He's in a good mood. He let's go of me and I sit down next to him, while he starts eating.
"You are crazy, you know that right?", I curl up on the couch.
He smiles a boyish smile at me, not saying anything.
"What?", I ask.
"Crazy about you", his smile gets bigger.
"Casanova"
Fabio went to the press conference and interviews with Tom. I stayed in the motorhome, trying to get some rest.
Today was hard, it took a lot of energy. Watching a race as a girlfriend really is different. Well.. maybe not totally different, but I suddenly had a lot more nerves. I was afraid he would crash out or something. It's not as fun, as watching without feeling like that.
I feel quite dizzy and tired. Tomorrow I start the second part of the therapy, another two radiations and after Assen I have the third part, which are another four. Hopefully that's it. I feel like I need some normal in my life again. Ever since everything happened with Alex, my life hasn't been normal. I hope I can take the holiday and feel a little normal again. Maybe I can work a little in the Netherlands. Just to feel normal again.
The celebration was nothing more than a midnight trip to the pharmacy, because of Fabio's illness and a drive back to the Netherlands. Fabio and Tom stayed at my place. We arrived around six, Fabio went straight to bed. I did laundry and cleaned before driving myself to the hospital for my appointment at eight. They did all kind of tests before I had another radiation. They put me in a bed, but I desperately want to go home tonight. I want to sleep in my own bed, hopefully with Fabio next to me.
Thankfully the doctor let me go home around two. I got a lecture about driving myself and have to bring someone tomorrow or I have to stay the night. I don't want to burden Tom or Fabio with a day in the hospital, so I don't know how to take care of that for now. They just have some time to relax today and tomorrow. Wednesday and Thursday they have pr things and Friday it's race time again. I can't wait for Assen. I've been here almost every year on the grandstand. And now I will be here in the paddock, in the pitboxes and everything. I'm so excited.
My home is quiet. The two men I expected aren't here. I check my phone, but don't see any messages. After doing a little extra laundry I eventually go to bed. That radiation makes me sleepy. It's six and I still haven't heard anything. I arrange a taxi for tomorrow and send Fabio a quick text, before setting my alarm.
*hey, hope you're having fun. Don't know if and when you're coming back, but I'm already in bed. x*
After half an hour waiting with no reply, I put my phone on the nightstand and fall in a deep sleep.
It feels like minutes before I'm woken up again. Not by my alarm but by the slamming of the door and a lot of giggles. I walk down the stairs and see both men completely hammered. They drank way to much.
"Ma Chérie!", Fabio shouts when he sees me on the stairs.
"I have a very sexy girlfriend", he whispers to Tom, well whisper, it's talking loudly. I didn't actually expect Tom to be drunk as well. Usually he's very responsible and I've only seen him drunk a few times.
But he's giggling like a school girl.
"You should go to bed", I tell them both. I walk further down to get them some water and medicine from the kitchen. I hear them stumble up the stairs. The time says 5 in the morning. They must've had quite the night.
When I'm upstairs I take some water and medicine to Tom's room. His jeans is somewhere on the ground and he's already fast asleep.
Fabio on the other hand is struggling with his jeans. His shirt is somewhere on the bed. I help him with his jeans, while he keeps talking about how sexy I am. He has a big bulge in his boxers and is very horny. Not something I prefer right now.
I have him laying in bed eventually and I lay down on the other side of the bed. Maybe I can get some rest before I have to leave. Fabio has a different plan. He takes my hand and puts it on top of his boxers.
"You did this, you have to finish it", he says, moving my hand.
I pull away, "Fabio, just go to sleep. You're drunk"
"You're such a tease", Fabio says. He takes my hand again and puts it on his boxers again. I don't know what hurts more. His actions or his words. He calls me a tease, just like Alex did. Drunk men speak the truth right?
"Help yourself", my voice is shaking and tears start to fall. I pull my hand back and get out of bed. Taking my clothes I get downstairs. I didn't expect this from Fabio. And I don't know what to do. He normally is so sweet and caring. He thankfully doesn't follow me.
I sit in my nightgown for god knows how long, tears keep streaming down my face. I eventually put my clothes on and leave. Walking around empty streets has something calming. The tears stop and they make place for fear. Fear of what would happen the next time. Fear of what would happen if I put sex of much longer. Maybe, deep down, all guys are the same. I mean it's not a coincidence Alex forced himself on me and Fabio almost forced me in a handjob. Fear it's all my fault. My behaviour, my clothes, the things I say. It must be on me if they both call me a tease.
I walk back and sit on the side walk waiting for my taxi. Maybe I can stay in the hospital tonight. That way, nobody can touch me. I can't do anything wrong there.
The taxi came and took me to the hospital. The appointment today was short, no tests, no examinations. Just radiotherapy and go. So I was home around 10. It's still quiet in the house and I decide to keep what happened to myself. Unless Fabio brings it up, I pretend it didn't happen.
It's already two when I feel a pair of arms around me. I'm in the kitchen, making tea and I shriek out of fear. Pouring tea all over my hand in the process.
"Shit", Fabio let's me go, "I didn't mean to scare you"
I put my hand under the running water and half turn around. "Sorry, I didn't hear you", I half lie. I didn't. But I don't think that's why I reacted that badly. I think it's because of last night.
"Are you okay?", I nod, drying my hand. "It's not bad"
"Are you okay? You were quite drunk last night", I ask smiling. I don't think the smile reaches my eyes though.
"Yeah, I'm never drinking that much. The headache is bad and I don't remember a thing", he says. I silently give him a glass of water and a painkiller. "I hope I wasn't a pain in the ass?", He asks, he takes the painkiller and gulps down the water.
I just shake my head. "I'll go see how Tom's doing", I say, while walking up stairs.
Tom is still sleeping when I walk in his room. Somewhere in the night he must've woken up, because he had his shirt off as well and is laying under the covers. Well his bottom half is. I snap a picture to send to Mathilde.
Fabio is sitting on the couch, looking at his phone. "When's your radiation?", He asks when I sit down on the other side of the couch.
"It was this morning"
"Shit.. I wanted to come with you. You should've woken me up", he looks disappointed.
"You came home two hours before I needed to leave. So even if I woke you up, you would've still been drunk"
"Did we wake you?", He looks guilty. He looks completely different from last night. I nod slowly.
"But you slept afterwards right?", he asks, "I don't remember cuddling up to you, but we did right? You always sleep better if I hold you. You don't toss and turn so much", he follows.
"I couldn't sleep. But I slept on the couch when I got back from the hospital, so I'm fine", I take my phone and distract myself with Instagram. Pretending it's not a big deal.
"Why didn't you come back to bed? You need the rest", he places a hand on my knee, worried. I visibly stiffen at his touch and Fabio notices it. "What's wrong, Ma Chérie?"
"Nothing. I just didn't want to wake you. I slept fine", I try to dodge the question.
"Something is wrong, what is it?", Fabio presses.
"I think we should have sex", I blurt out eventually.
"What?", Fabio chokes out. I have been thinking about this, this morning. And maybe we should just get it over with. It can't be that big of a deal. And if I suggest it, it can't happen when I don't want it.
I stand and walk towards the window, looking out over the long grassland.
"We've waited long enough right. So if you want to do it, we should just get it over with"
Fabio is quiet, he's probably surprised about this. I don't look at him, I keep my eyes on the grassland.
"Unless you don't want to", I say after a few minutes.
"Hey guys, I feel like I'm dead", Tom groans, I turn around as see Tom walking in and sitting down next to Fabio.
I get some water and a painkiller from the kitchen, giving it to him. "You look like it", I smile at him. Fabio gives me a pointed look, indicating that our conversation isn't over yet.
I leave the men downstairs while I clean the beds. They both smell like alcohol, so I change the covers and open the windows. I take everything back down to the washing machine and sit at the table after. I feel Fabio's eyes on me.
And that's how the entire afternoon went. I kept myself busy watching the race from all the different riders.