"Okay, so Julie. I don't really have good news", the sweet older doctor tells me. "The cancer is a bit bigger than we expected. And your white count is very low", he knows I work in the oncology area, so he used the medical terms.
"So I'm staying here?", He nods his head. "And what will happen if we don't treat it?", I need to know this.
He looks at me for a few seconds, "why do you ask?"
"I just want to know how bad it is. I need to know the truth", I quietly tell him.
"Well, you probably know these are bad cancers to treat. So it won't be easy. If we don't do anything, I don't know how long.. but it will go fast. It's getting bigger fast, so it will spread fast. And if it does, it's most likely going to you lungs and breasts first. But also brain is a possibility"
I nod understanding. "So I want to start with the radiotherapy as soon as possible. It's the same dose as your doctor in Andorra told you. We take it step by step okay?"
"How long do I stay?", all I wanted was sleeping in my own home.
"Atleast until Friday. Then we'll see if your white count is better and if you're ready to go home"
"Okay, thank you doctor"
That evening I had my first radiation. I called Tom afterwards and told him about the cancer and that I'm in the hospital. He's coming. I'm glad. Fabio and Tom are the only two who know.
That night was terrible. The bed was bad and I was in a room with three others. All snoring loudly. The next morning a different nurse came in and brought me to my own room. We talked and she told me, they want to take pictures from my hair, for if I'm gonna need a wig.
I had another radiation that morning.
"Juul, hey sweetheart. Wake up", I hear someone say, I must have fallen asleep after the radiotherapy.
Opening my eyes, I see Tom sitting next to me.
"Hi. What time is it?", I am a little disorientated.
"It's around six. How're you feeling?", he looks worried.
"I feel fine", I say and mean it. I'm tired, but other than that I don't feel much.
"Julie, I'm serious, how do you feel?", Tom looks at me.
"No, I am serious. I'm tired, but I don't feel any different than a few days ago"
"Okay. That's good. I don't know what happened, but just know that Fabio came with me. He's back at the hotel, because he told me you'd probably don't want to see him", Tom shifts a little in his chair.
"Yeah, well he's right. He should've stayed in Geneva"
"Why? What happened?", Tom frowns at my words.
"I think you should ask him if you really don't know. I just hope you don't think it's completely normal like he does", I tell him.
"Okay, well. He asked me to give you this", Tom takes an envelope from his jacket and lays it on the table next to my bed. "How long do you need to stay here?"
"Atleast till Friday. I hope I can go to my home then", I smile a little. I'm getting tired again.
"Oh! Your house. Do you already have the keys?"
I nod. "Got it yesterday. Can you maybe do me a favoir? Can you use my credit card and go buy a bed and a couch? I only have a mattress and I thought I would manage, but maybe a bed is better"
"Yeah, sure. Fabio and I will go shopping for you tomorrow", he tells me. It feels weird to let Tom and Fabio go shopping for me and look for a couch and bed. But I'm glad he wants to do that for me.
"But please, use my credit card and do not let Fabio pay. I've got some money left from the apartment", I softly say. My voice getting weaker. "You have no idea how cheap this house was"
"Julie, just go and rest. I'll handle it. I'll send you pictures and it will all work out. Do you have a spare key and address for me?"
I point at my bag and he gives it to me. I pull out the keys, my wallet and the papers and give them all to him.
He takes it, puts my bag away and softy kisses my cheek. I close my eyes and drift away again.
The next morning starts with radiotherapy, after it's some blood work and that's it. They wanted to send physical therapy down to exercise with me, but I told them that would be a bad idea. When it comes to my health, I'm not gonna listen to another physical therapist. And especially one without a master in oncology. I'm too stubborn for that.
I walk around a little, sleep a little and stare at the envelope on the small table next to the bed. I don't open it, I don't know if I want to.
Tom facetimed me a few times and showed me the things they picked out. I don't see Fabio anywhere, but I'm sure he's there.
"Julie! How are you feeling?", the doctor walks in.
"I'm not too bad, I'm tired, but that's it", I smile a little.
"Okay, that's good. Your white count is better and I could let you go home now, but you have the last radiotherapy tomorrow morning. So I thought about holding you here one more night and after the radiation you can go home"
"Really? That's great, thank you!", I feel excited. I'm going home! I love saying that.
The doctor smiles and walks out again. I call Tom right away.
"Oui?", I hear Tom gasp, out of breathe.
"Hey, what are you doing?", I ask curious.
"Well, I don't know if you ever lifted a king-size bed up the stairs, but that's heavy. Especially if you aren't an athlete, like mister motogp here", he pants out.
"Wait, you are already getting my bed upstairs?", I ask excited
"Oui. Is that bad?"
"No, no. That's amazing, I'm coming home tomorrow!"
"Wait, that's amazing, Juul! Then we have to continue and make everything ready"
"Thank you!", I end the call and can't stop thinking about my home. My beautiful home. Well, it still needs painting and stuff, but it's mine.
After dinner I finally open the envelope. I still don't know if I want to read it, but I have to someday.
Ma Chérie,
I know I screwed up and I know I can't force you to listen to my explanation. But maybe you can read this letter.
Clarisse is a good friend. Yes, just a good friend to me. I don't know what she exactly told you, but some things are true, others are her interpretation.
We know each other for a long time. And I'm friends with her and her brother. We have kissed and we have hooked up. We were both single and it happened once while I was a little drunk and after it happened a few more times. But we never were in a relationship. I'm not her lover or whatever she told you.
After Mugello I was a little disappointed. We didn't spent much time together and I really thought you were avoiding me. After all that first checkup made you uncomfortable. And I'm still sorry for that, I don't want to pressure you.
In Monaco Clarisse took my mind off it and we hooked up again. I felt and still feel very guilty about that. That never should've happened.
In Barcelona I just screwed up even more.
That kiss we shared wasn't good and that was because I was completely in my head. I felt guilty and didn't know if I needed to tell you or not. You were distant after that. We didn't talk and I kept thinking that you had moved on. On to Matteo. He's much smarter than me and you always tell me how good of a physical therapist you think he is.
After my win I was tipsy. I actually thought it was you who I kissed, until we broke apart and I saw Clarisse.. I wanted it to be you.. I really wanted that
When you gave your necklace back, I was devastated. I really am in love with you, and I know I screwed up, but I want you to be my girlfriend. You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Especially in those tight jeans and black top. I don't think I told you that, that night. And I feel like a jerk for not telling you.
I've put the necklace back in here. If you still want it, you can wear it again. I don't ever want it back again, it belongs to you. There's also something else in there. And if you want to be my girlfriend, and if you are ready, you can put that on as well.
I hope to see you wear it.
Love, Fabio
That's some letter.. I wipe the tears out of my eyes. Opening the envelope I find the necklace and a bracelet. It's identical to his with the words 'el diablo' on it. And it has a small plate on it with the words 'Ma Chérie'.
It's truly beautiful no doubt about that.
But I don't know what I need to do. I mean, it's still not okay. And how do I know it's over now?
They are friends, they were in Geneva yesterday. I saw that on Instagram. Maybe it happened again yesterday. It's clear she wants more than friendship and she thinks they have more than friendship.
I lay everything back on the table. I don't have to decide if I want to wear it tonight, because I'm not allowed any jewellery during radiotherapy.
Maybe we can talk tomorrow after I'm discharged. I don't know, it's all a little confusing.
Well, maybe not confusing, I mean my feelings are pretty clear, his letter is clear as well and Clarisse's feelings are clear. It all just doesn't add up. And with my fear and lack of trust on top, it's the perfect mix.
But I want to follow my feelings and not live in fear of what could happen. I mean, I have a backup. I have a house, a car and a decent job. So it's not like I'm giving everything up.
I take my notebook and my pen and start writing.