Monday was the test in Barcelona. I had a debrief with Dr Zasa and did some treatments in the clinica mobile. Nothing big.
I didn't really feel like interacting with anyone, so I was really happy to finish my work. I finished before the test was over.
I said goodbye to Tom in the pitbox, while Fabio was still out doing laps. I don't think Tom knows about Clarisse and Fabio. He asked why I wasn't wearing my necklace and why I didn't wait for Fabio to say goodbye. But on the other hand, Tom isn't stupid right? He knows everything about Fabio, he should know this. I thought he wouldn't agree with something like that. I thought he cared about me like a sister, but maybe that's not true. Maybe he doesn't really care. Or not anymore. I think Fabio is more important to him than I am. I think Fabio will always be more important to everyone I know in the MotoGP world. Well I can't really complain, he's the world champion. I'm just a stupid physical therapist. A naive girl, who thought she could have love. But that's just a fairytale. Only for the lucky.
Well anyway. One of the clinica mobile guys needed to go to Andorra and I could ride along. I slept in a hotel and got ready for my doctors appointment on Tuesday.
I'm currently in the waiting area of the hospital. Waiting for my doctor. On my headphones I play some Metallica and I'm replying to a text from Margaux when I feel someone sitting down next to me.
Looking up, I see Fabio sitting there, looking at me.
"I hope it's okay I'm here", his voice is quiet. He has a dark washed jeans on and some dark shirt. A monster energy cap on his head.
"Why are you here?", I put my phone down and look straight ahead.
"I want to support you. You don't need to do this alone"
"I'm fine on my own. I don't need your support", I'm not even mad at him. Just broken and exhausted.
Before Fabio can say anything the doctor calls me inside. He follows behind me and I don't have the energy to make a scene about it.
"Julie, how're you doing today", the doctor asks while we sit down.
"I don't have much energy and am a little dizzy but that's it", I feel eyes from next to me on me, but I try to ignore them.
"Fabio, did you notice anything unusual? Forgetfulness, changes in moods, loss of words?", the doctor asks Fabio.
"We haven't really seen each other much", I interrupt, giving the doctor a small smile.
"Okay. So we reviewed your scans and we discovered a small mass. It's nothing life threatening yet, but I think it's good if you start with radiation as soon as possible", I nod my head, but it's spinning. A small mass? What the hel? Cancer? That's not possible. I'm way too young. This can't happen. Why is everything falling apart at once?
"How soon can you start?", the doctor asks.
"Well, my flight for Groningen leaves at noon. So I will be there around three. And I'm only supposed to work in a week and a half"
"Okay, I'll let the hospital in Groningen know, you'll be there around four. They will start with four radiations. Then one week to recover and another two another week to recover and than another four. Maybe chemo after, but that depends on the reaction of the mass", I simply nod my head, not really paying attention.
"Do you have a support system? Fabio will you be with her?", He asks the both of us.
"No, he won't. But a good friend and my parents will be there", I lie a little. Margaux will be there. My parents are in Brussels, which is too far. But I'll manage.
The doctor nods his head, "I'll go make it happen. You can do this Julie! Good luck and we'll keep in touch", he stands up and shakes my hand. I walk out of the room. Down the hallway.
I hear Fabio's voice behind me. "Julie.. are you okay?". I ignore it and find the exit of the hospital. My head is spinning, not only with dizziness but also with the information. I try to walk as fast as possible, but I'm actually really slow. Fabio is in front of me in a few steps.
"Julie", his eyes are pleading.
"Please. Just let me go", I'm out of breathe and don't feel good, but I try to hide it. Cancer. That one word is in my head over and over again. And at the same time, I don't really care, I was already broken. So why can't we just let the cancer destroy me? It would be an easy solution.
"No. We need to talk", Fabio is persistent, but I don't care.
"Even if I wanted to, I can't. I need to catch a flight, because apparently I need radiotherapy this afternoon. Apparently I have cancer", I say quietly. "I don't know, I think it's a little bit more important than you and Clarisse. But maybe I'm wrong. I mean you are the world champion after all. The world evolves around you", I sigh, my voice barely above a whisper. I don't have the energy to fight. Not anymore.
"Julie, don't do this", his eyes hold a lot of emotion, while I think mine are blank.
I don't say anything. I just start walking to the hotel. It was only ten minutes to the hospital, but now it feels like hours. Fabio walks behind me. I don't even know why.
In the hotel I walk to the desk first. "Hi, can you get me a taxi to the airport as quickly as possible?", I ask slowly. Fabio is behind me, and she only has eyes for him.
"Ah, mister Quartararo, what a pleasure. I'll get you your taxi right away. Do you need anything else?"
I don't say anything, I just walk to the elevator. I'm too exhausted to explain that it's my taxi. And I think it will be here a lot quicker for him than for me.
Fabio steps into the elevator with me and looks at me careful. "Julie, let me help you. You're gonna collapse any second. You're shaking on your legs", he puts his hand on me, "don't fight me please"
I sigh, closing my eyes for a few seconds. "I'm only asking you to leave me in peace"
His hand falls from my arm. "I'm not gonna do that. You can't manage on your own"
"Trust me, I can do more than you think. I don't need you", I say, before stepping out of the elevator. I know he's behind me. I unlock my door and he follows me. My suitcase is already packed, so I take it and leave again. He tries to take my suitcase, but I don't let go. Fabio eventually gives up. The elevator ride downstairs is quiet. He doesn't say a word this time and I'm glad. I can't really stand by myself, so I lean against the wall.
In the lobby, I walk to the reception again. I give her my card, but she's only talking to Fabio.
"I hope you had a pleasant stay, mister Quartararo. Your taxi is out front, mister Quartararo. Could I be of any other assistance, mister Quartararo?"
I don't even listen, my taxi is out front so I walk away. Out is an older man waiting. He takes my suitcase and I get in. Fabio gets in on the other side, but I already close my eyes.
"Julie", he tries again.
"To the airport, right?", the taxi driver asks. "Si, thank you", I say, my eyes still closed.
I try to relax a little bit, but my phone interrupts me.
"Hey Juul, how are you? How was your appointment?"
"Hey Tom! I'm really good, everything went well. I'm just on my way to the airport. I'll call you tonight okay?", I lie through my teeth.
"That's great! Have a safe flight"
"Why do you keep lying?", Fabio asks, his voice hard.
"I can't just say, 'hey, I have cancer, I might die. See you in a few weeks. Don't worry'. Plus, why do you care?"
"I care about you, Julie. I'm in love with you. Is that so hard to believe?", He sighs.
"Who's lying now? If you were in love with me, you would've texted me when you were in Monaco. Asking how I was doing. If you were in love with me, you wouldn't have avoided me this whole weekend. And if you were in love with me, you wouldn't be kissing and sleeping with Clarisse", his face turns white. "She actually told me, how good of a kisser you are, but after last Thursday I don't know if I agree. She told me you have been together for a long time and that you are a very excellent lover. So please stop, I don't want to hear any of it", it's true, I spoke to Clarisse. I ran into her, late Sunday night. I bluntly told her she's a lucky girl and she told me everything about them.
"It's nothing like that", he pulls his hand through his hair in frustration.
"You know. I'm not even mad. Pecco was right. With the right girl, you are only gonna ride better. She was with you this weekend and you won. That's prove enough, right? Prove enough that we are not meant to be together", I softly say. "But please just leave me alone. Go to Geneva, go party with her. I don't care, I actually have more important things on my mind"
"Can you please just listen to me?"
I sigh, closing my eyes again. I'm stuck in this car with Fabio, and I can't wait to get out, get away. I can't wait to see my home. Because home it will definitely be.
"Not right now. I don't have the energy. I can barely keep my eyes open and I still need to walk around the airport, take the flight and I have appointments in the Netherlands as well. So I can't handle it right now", I open my eyes again, "if you really want to explain and talk to me, maybe you can come to the Netherlands in a few days or we can talk somewhere during the GermanGP"
I look at his dreamy, beautiful brown eyes. The most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Eyes you can drown in. I want to drown in them. I want him to hold me, take care of me.
He eventually nods his head.
"Let me atleast come with you. I can help you with your luggage, drive you around, come to the hospital", it all sounds so tempting. "Let me take care of you", he takes my hand in his and slowly kisses it.
"You need to go to Geneva. To Quentin and Clarisse. To party and celebrate your win. To relax for the next race", as tempting as it sounds to have him by my side, it's not good for me. If he's coming with me, I'm gonna forget everything that happened. And I need to be strong. I need to focus on my health.
I don't even know how bad it is.
Maybe I don't even want treatment. I mean, who will miss me if I'm gone? My parents, probably. But at the same time, we can go years without seeing each other. So there wouldn't change much. Other than that, no one would. Tom will quickly forget me and Fabio will forget me as soon as I step out of this car. The other riders won't really care and same goes for the clinica mobile. Maybe Margaux will shred a few tears, but that'll be more because of the house, than because of me.
"I need to take care of you", Fabio brings me back from my thoughts.
"Fabio please", the car stops in front of the airport. I step out and wobble to the back of the car for my luggage. The taxi driver gives me my luggage and I hand him the cash. I slowly walk inside. I know Fabio is still standing there. I know he doesn't know what to do.
It takes forever, but finally I'm at the right gate and ready to board the plane. I'm alone, because Fabio decided not to follow me. I check Instagram and see a story of him and Quentin. Also at the airport. Fabio smiling big, he definitely forgot about me. I knew I was right.
The flight to Groningen was short, only an hour. I got the change to take a small nap, so I'm feeling a little better.
My new small car is on the parking lot waiting for me and I go sign the papers of my new home. I think my new home is beautiful. It's small with only two bedrooms, but big enough for me. It needs some redecorating and some furniture. But for now, I'm really happy. I have a mattress on the floor and clean towels, so I manage.
I leave my luggage and only take my backpack with my laptop and some comfortable clothes and underwear. In case I need to stay.
I only live 30 minutes away from the hospital, so that's amazing. I have an appointment with the oncologist and I'm kind of nervous. I'm totally exhausted when I sit in the waiting room. I needed new scans, echo and blood work before even seeing the doctor. It's already six now and I'm ready to sleep. I can't wait to lay down on my mattress.