The rest of the weekend was pretty busy. Next to working inside the clinica mobile, I've worked with all six of the riders individually. Jack's the only one who I barely saw. He wants to review the race on Thursday but made it clear he doesn't really need any pointers during the weekend.
Fabio and I didn't really see each other outside of the work related meetings. Most evenings when I was done, he was already fast asleep and the mornings I woke up before him. My days started with preparations, meetings and discussions, then I worked full days in the clinica mobile and after I had more meetings and practices or qualifications to watch.
Today is race day and I've had some early checkups and meetings. The warmup practice is in between and I'm out on the circuit with marshals and Matteo during all the races, including the rookies. After I have a meeting with Davide Tardozzi and Uccio together. I'm sleeping in a hotel closeby for two nights, before flying to Andorra for my hospital meeting. Fabio told me I could stay at his home for the night, before going to the Barcelona circuit on Wednesday. And then the whole story starts again.
In Barcelona I'm staying in the clinica mobile motorhome with the others. It's more convenient and it's kind of mandatory. So no sleeping in the same bed as Fabio. Maybe we travel to Geneva together, but that's not sure as well.
I felt a little lonely these past days. I'm working with lots of different people the whole time. Talking my throat dry. But always busy with others, talking about others. Not one of them asks how I am doing. But I shouldn't complain. I'm working my dream.
The Moto3 and Moto2 races aren't really eventful. Luckily. No crashes in our corner. Matteo and I sit in one of the little tents together.
"Sooo.. Fabio?", Matteo asks me grinning.
"What about him?", I look at the riders going around the track for the starting grid. It's nice to see it like this.
"Are you his girlfriend yet?", Matteo looks straight ahead as well.
"No. Haven't really seen him since Thursday. Can I ask about Marc?", I look at him careful. He nods his head, not looking at me.
"You like him?", I start.
"Yeah, I guess I do", he sighs, looking down. "He's the first guy I have a crush on. I don't even know what that means", he talks quietly, making sure nobody hears him.
"It doesn't have to mean anything right?", I don't really know what to say to him.
"Well. Maybe I'm gay? I don't know. I've never questioned it. I've had girlfriends before. But this feels different"
"Good different?", I ask
"Yeah, I think so", he sighs again, racking a hand through his thick black hair.
"Then it's all good right? Why worry if you're gay or bi or whatever? As long as you feel good", I reassure him, putting a hand on his knee. The motors start to roar, indicating the almost start. We watch them take the warmup lap before the start and before we know it, we see them coming by on the first lap of the race.
It seems like a exciting race and it's a shame we don't have a television screen to watch the rest of the laps. We only see this one turn, but they are almost every lap in a different order. Eventually it's Pecco who wins, with Fabio behind him. All the marshals stand around the circuit cheering them on. We stay behind in the tent. I don't mind. Fabio doesn't know where I am, so I send him a text later. He will be out celebrating in Monaco anyway.
He stops in our conner to get the Jason flag and looks around, like he's searching something. He rides off slowly again, waving.
"He was looking for you", Matteo comments.
"No, no he wasn't. He doesn't even know what corner I'm in", right? He wasn't looking for me right? Is it stupid of me to stay behind? Should I be standing out on track? No, he wasn't looking for me. I'm not that important. He needs to celebrate with his team, call his family, celebrate with Tom, with his friends in Monaco.
"Are you seeing him tonight?"
I shake my head. "No, I'll be seeing him when he has his checkup in Barcelona. So that's Thursday?", I question.
Matteo looks at me confused, "why?"
"He's going to Monaco tonight, staying at his parents after and travelling to Barcelona from there. I'll be staying here for two nights, before going to Andorra for a doctor's appointment, before going to Barcelona. In Barcelona I'll be in the motorhome with you guys", I sigh a little. I don't really like it, but it's okay.
"I don't get it. I thought you were like a couple?", He still looks confused at me. "I would want to have my girlfriend with me as much as possible"
I nod. "We act like a couple when we're alone. But that's it"
"You mean you're having lots of sex when you're alone", Matteo says bluntly. I turn a deep shade of red, looking down. "N-no", I feel embarrassed. So it would be normal to have sex. I knew it. Maybe that's why Fabio doesn't want to see me so much. Because he's not getting any sex. It would explain the jerking off. We haven't even talked about that.
I feel tears streaming down and I hope Matteo doesn't notice.
"Shit, scusa. I didn't mean anything by it", Matteo obviously notices the tears.
"No, it's okay. I've been raped. It's still recent and I think that's the problem", Matteo looks at me with big eyes.
"Really? I'm so sorry"
"You don't have to be sorry. It's not your fault. I'm just a little afraid Fabio and I will never have a normal relationship because of it", I'm glad the marshals are still out on track.
"What do you mean?", Matteo really wants to understand, but he doesn't, I can see it in his eyes.
"You just assumed, we're having lots of sex. That's apparently the normal thing to do. But we don't. Thursday, Fabio had a muscle strain in his right arm, when I checked him out. And he has been jerking himself off a lot, apparently. That's not normal. I'm already failing without even being his girlfriend", more tears start to fall and I can't look up. I know the look in Matteo's eyes. It's not a look I want to see. I don't want pity.
"That's not your fault", Matteo stands and walks to one of the photographers. He talks before walking to one of the marshals, talks again and comes back.
"Come, we can take the scooter back together. They are fine without us. Put your cap and sunglasses on", he tells me.
"No", I shake my head, "I can't I have to be here for the rookies race as well"
"Yeah well, me too. But they manage without us", he take my hand and helps me stand. We get back to the scooter and I get on behind Matteo, he rides off. Back to the paddock.
In the paddock we almost ride into Marc Marquez. Matteo stops abruptly.
"Hey", Marc says, turning around.
"Hi, good race", was the first thing Matteo says, without thinking. The man is in a lot of pain and is getting surgery again, so good race isn't really the good term.
"Yeah, not really, but thanks", Marc grimaces. "You must be happy. Pecco winning, Fabio second", Marc looks at me. I nod, yeah I must be. And I am for both of them.
"You on your way to them?"
"No, we are on our way to the clinica mobile", Matteo says. I silently thank him.
"Oh. Can you maybe treat me again before we're going?", He asks me eagerly.
I have been seeing him quite a few times these past few days. And I changed my opinion about him. He's not arrogant, but quite humble. But if he has something in his head, it has to go that way and he doesn't like changes. He was treated at the clinica mobile once back in the day. And they missed a fracture that was there. Since then he has his own medical advisors. But he heard about the new therapists and wanted to give it another try. Well with Matteo and me, I think that's a good choice. I think there's more knowledge now, than there ever was.
Looking back at Marc, I shake my head, "I can't, maybe Matteo can?", Matteo nods his head slowly.
"That's great. I'll quickly shower and be right there", Marc walks off fast.
Matteo rides me to Fabio's motorhome to get my things. "Do you need help?"
I shake my head, "No I'll manage. I get my things and be at the clinica mobile after. Have fun!", I tell him feeling a little better. I really hope the feelings will be mutual between them. Matteo deserves that.
The motorhome is empty, so I quickly get my bags and walk back out. I'm staying here longer than Fabio, but I have to get my things before he leaves. They always clean and lock it up completely after he's gone. No one else can come in there again.
Just when I want to lock the door, Fabio walks up the steps.
"Hey! Congrats on the second place. You did good", I say, kissing his cheek.
"Thanks, I thought you would be out on track for the rookies cup?", He looks curious at me. My sunglasses luckily hide my red eyes
"We weren't needed. Matteo is actually waiting for me in the clinica mobile"
"Oh", he looks a little disappointed, "I was hoping we could enjoy some time together before I'm leaving"
"Sorry, I'm still working", I would want some time together as well, but this way I can postpone any difficult conversations. And I still have that meeting with Ducati and VR46.
"You're working a lot", he sounds sad.
"Yeah. It's been busy", I don't know what else to say. It really has been busy. I haven't avoided him or anything. "Hey, have fun in Monaco. We'll see each other in Barcelona"
"Yeah, see you in Barca", he opens the door and walks in. No kiss on the cheek, no hug, nothing.