Chapter 15: 12.

- I still can't believe you don't celebrate your birthday, I told Yuri.

- You know, I continued, looking down at the decaying leaves and the shrubs in our vicinity, - I told Adriana yesterday and she almost choked on her food. I think she might have gotten you something.

I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively at him.

Yuri rolled his eyes.

- Why would it be strange? He asked.

- Before I met you I knew no one who celebrated their birthdays. If anything, your family is strange.

I was just about to answer him when my eyes caught Mr Benofs's cap. My smile deflated. In the far distance, slightly obscured by the branches of a thin tree, Mr Benofs walked with an orange cap on his head. His camouflage print jacket reminded me of the scowl on my father's face when he had seen me come downstairs with a white knitted sweater and jeans. I'd wanted to make my intentions clear from the very beginning. He'd disapproved, of course, but hadn't said anything in front of Mr Benofs.

Just when I'd thought it was possible for me to forget the reason we were so deep in the valley of Ljerumlup, something snagged me back to reality. If not Mr Benofs's or my father's eye grabbing orange caps then the shrill barks of the Vizslas.

They hadn't found anything worthwhile shooting yet, but there was no doubt in my mind they would. My father wasn't one to head home empty-handed. Petra was hoping to make a hare stew, she'd said as much when we'd departed that morning.

I felt treasonous towards my animal friends for wanting to obliterate their suffering from my conscience. I thought chatting with Yuri would keep my mind off the guilt that churned my stomach, but so far, little seemed to work.

Yuri was also looking at Mr Benofs when I return my attention back to our conversation. His expression had drawn back into whatever thoughts kept his mind occupied.

- They'll get you a gun, you know that, right? I pointed to Mr Benofs's second rifle, strapped across his back. Yuri glanced at me.

- And then they'll ask you to shoot a hare. Anything else would be a waste of ammunition.

I wanted him to ask me how I knew. His eyes darted to Mr Benofs before they settled on my face once more. Several emotions flickered in and out of his expression, none of them lasting long enough for me to pinpoint his thoughts.

- Ru–

He opened his mouth but closed it again. He reconsidered his words.

He stretched two fingers towards me.

- Choose, he said.

I looked down at his outstretched arm, at his forefinger and middle finger which represented two options he wanted me to choose from.

- What am I choosing between? I asked, looking up at him.

- Either we get out of here, or we stay and I shoot that hare and bring it back to my mother for dinner.

An internal struggle played out behind his eyes. I saw how much he wanted the latter of the two scenarios to happen. For the first time, it hit me that maybe, just maybe, Yuri had his own reasons for wanting to hunt.

I was rooted to the undergrowth, unable to move so much as a millimeter. How could he make me choose on the spot?

- Just choose one, he urged bringing his hands centimeters away from my chest.

Apprehensively, I grabbed his forefinger. My selfishness outweighed any sense of friendship and camaraderie to Yuri. I realised I wasn't strong enough stand idly by while he shot an innocent animal to death.

Yuri grabbed my hand. I was waiting for him to tell me which one of the options we had landed at, but I came to the conclusion myself when he started dragging me away, retracting our steps the way we had come.

I clung to his hand, heart thudding irregularly inside my ribcage. Despite it, I couldn't dull the relief that blossomed on my face. My footsteps felt lighter, and for the first time since I'd woken up that day, some of the guilt weighing down my shoulders levitated.

When we'd gotten far enough out of my father's earshot, I let out a whoop, scaring a flock of birds on the branches above our heads. They took flight with cacophonous protests into the baby blue sky. The sight coaxed a laughter out of me.

I sprinted and jumped up, reaching for the tree crowns. They seemed just within my grasp. With my hands outstretched to the heavens, I rotated in place and sent a quiet prayer of thanks to whoever up there was looking out for me. God had never been closer to existing in my mind than he was at that moment.

Nothing could have spoiled my mood. The earth could have opened up beneath my feet and swallowed me whole, and I would have still been smiling as I went under.

Yuri regarded me with an amused expression.

- Do you hearthat? I asked, lifting my ear to our surroundings. The birds chirped in the far-off distance; the wind picked up and rustled the decaying leaves at our feet.

- That's the sound of life.

He gave in to a smile, but beneath the surface, I sensed his lingering hesitation.

- Ru, can—

- Where's that ice cream you promised me?

I hadn't meant to interrupt, it just so happened that we had spoken up at the same time. Whatever Yuri was about to say retreated into him as he digested my question.

At the mention of ice cream, his face dimmed the slightest bit. I wouldn't have noticed it if I hadn't drawn nearer to him. I don't think he himself was even aware of it.

- What is it? I asked.

- What?

Before I registered my confusion, I was overcome by a flash of irritation. Without thinking, I said, - Just go back! With more venom than I thought I could muster.

- Go! I motioned my head towards the cluster of trees where we'd left my father and Mr Benofs.

What I had been dreading had come to fruition. I had felt it, the sliver of doubt as I had chosen his forefinger, and now he was confirming my suspicion. He hadn't wanted to leave them at all.

Yuri looked even more confused than he had been seconds ago.

- What are you talk—

- You obviously didn't want to leave, I accused. - Why don't you just go back?

- Is it your mother? Did she say she wanted you to bring back something? I understand just go. The last word was barely raised above a whisper. My shoulders sagged. The life and energy that had coursed through me moments ago, had for a short second been replaced with a hot frustration but when that too, inevitably, seeped out of my pores I felt the wind pierce through my hollow body, rattling my bones.

- No! Ru. Yuri grabbed my hands. I didn't notice that they had fisted until he was unfurling them in his grip. He shook his head. - That's not it at all. He searched my face, his own eager to convince me that I had just read the situation wrong.

- What is it then? I asked.

There was something there, just beneath the surface of his face; an emotion, intangible to the eyes because of the speed with which it flashed in and out his expression. It shrouded whatever thought process was taking place in his head. He got close, but never quite breached the point where the words left his tongue.

My body grew cold with foreboding.

- Let's head to the Tree, he said.

I was taken aback, still filled with doubt, but I went along without protest, hoping whatever he'd wanted to say would make itself apparent once we got there—away from the mindset of the hunt, and whatever was spoiling our moods.

The Tree was not only a physical tree, so much as a place we had found one day when we were wandering the valley of Ljerumlup. It extended some kilometers beyond the estate's property line—the furthest we had dared to venture.

The Tree was a clearing, an open space where the undergrowth was thick and covered with leaves all year round. There were other trees there beside the Tree, but it took center stage. Not because it was bigger, but because of its drooping canopy. The branches created the illusion of sending underneath a pearl curtain.

There were no other trees close to the pendulous silver birch, so when you came out into the clearing the first thing that hit you was its characteristic aura; a romantic presence. The tips sagged, weak to the pull of gravity, while the thicker branches, closer to the trunk, were as unyielding as steel. The first branch grew at chest-height, making it easy to climb—this more than anything distinguished it from all other trees, making it our favourite.

The way there wasn't short, but we knew these parts of the woods like I imagined people downtown knew the street addresses. Only we took the trees and the stream which ran between the two mountains as our markers.

Yuri seemed to have forgotten about our previous conversation. He grew more collected and cheerful the further out we got. I entertained his conversation about the latest episode of his ongoing feud with Katka, but in the back of my mind I couldn't shake off the feeling that Yuri wasn't quite his usual self. He had never behaved that way before. Or perhaps better put, I had never behaved that way towards him before. Could it be that I had just read the situation wrong? I didn't know what to make of his strange reaction to ice cream. I wasn't even sure if the ice cream had been the catalyst. Perhaps something was stopping him from heading home? Since I had no answers at hand, I pushed the nagging thoughts to a corner in my mind.

We were both winded from the trek when we got to the clearing. The sight that greeted us was even more magnificent than I remembered it. Everything was coloured with picturesque strokes of yellow, orange and browns in all of their different hues. Nearly all the branches were stripped naked and glistened with dew that had condensed in the autumn chill.

Without wasting too much time admiring the leaves like a graveyard of carotenoids at the roots, we climbed up. Usually, we would sit on the first level of branches, they were the thickest and sturdiest, but this time Yuri kept climbing. I found the challenge exciting, and so I climbed after him, tracing his footsteps.

I didn't dare look down. The branches got thinner with each elevation. Once our feet were tens-of-meters above ground, Yuri's arm came around the trunk, gripping it tightly before he sat down. I chose the branch closest to his. Our arms paralleled as we each grabbed hold of the trunk from different sides. It was the highest we'd dared climb, and it was slowly sinking in as we watched our feet dangle, suspended in the air.

- We should have brought the Walkman, I said.

I enjoyed the sounds of nature, but at that moment, I wouldn't have minded drowning out the nerves with guitar riffs.

Yuri hummed in agreement.

- I thought you said your father would confiscate it if he saw you with it?

- He would, but he's not here, is he? I flashed him a sly grin.

When he said nothing in return, I asked, - You're not gonna defend him?

Yuri rolled his eyes at my fake surprise.

- You'll roll your eyes silly and go blind, I taunted, reminding him of his mother's favourite saying.

He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.

- Ru. He licked his lips. His gaze intensified. - If you liked someone...How would you say it to them?

- What do you mean? I asked. Yuri's eyes were fixated on the line of trees ahead of him. When we locked eyes again, his were thoughtful.

- If you liked someone, how would you tell them you liked them? How would you show it?

My heart thudded in my throat, I swallowed it back down. Its beat echoed in my chest and resonated in my ears. For a flash of a second, the world was coloured red.

- Wh—do you like someone?

His blue eyes burned into mine, - Yes. He swallowed.

- Then...then...

I tried to think of something to say, but my mind came up short of words.

Yuri liked someone.

My mind went through achieves of memories from the previous weeks, trying to remember every single interaction I had seen him have. No image, no name, stood out from any of the faces. Who could it be?

- I-I guess...I would write them a letter and put it inside their desk at school, I answered him sensibly. It was what I had seen people do at school when they developed crushes on classmates.

Yuri regarded me with an indecipherable expression.

- Isn't that...a bit childish? He asked.

- Who is it? I needed to know. It was the sole determinator of whether my heart would ever go back to its normal frequency, or if I would die from cardiac arrest at eleven years old.

Yuri swallowed once more.

- It's no one you know, he said. - Someone in the flatlands.

My confusion must have been apparent because Yuri sighed.

- I shouldn't have asked, he lamented.

His dismissive tone lit a fuse in me.

- Who do you know in the flatlands? There are no pretty girls there, I accused.

- How do you know who lives in the flatlands, you've never been there, he retorted.

- Well-, I stopped to consider, - they don't go to our school. My voice was on the threshold of becoming a fully fledge shout. Why would Yuri lie to me like that? I knew for a fact that he didn't know any pretty girls in the flatlands. When would he have met them? Did Millin put him up to this?

We were friends. These were the sort of details you shared. I felt a deep betrayal for finding out when it was apparently too late. Yuri Karamov, my Yuri, liked someone.

- Okay, then, there's a girl at school who's from the flatlands. I'm in love with her. I can't stop thinking about her. What should I do about it?

I couldn't tell if he was pulling my leg or not. His voice was taunting but his eyes were burning into mine with a fierce sincerity.

- What's her name? My voice was calm, steady, the opposite of what I felt on the inside.

His eyes widened. - You don't believe me? He scoffed in disbelieve.

- How can I share anything with you if you won't even believe me? This time I was sure he was taunting me. I felt my body flash from hot to cold in an instant.

My muscles grew rigid around my bones. I was aware, too aware, of my body, of the hard branch cutting into butt cheeks; the bark digging into my fingertips, and the way the yarn of my knitted sweater itched around my neck. My mind was alert and in control of the physical outside of my body, but inside—hell and fury reigned. There was nothing I could do to stop the spew of words that left my mouth.

- Then tell her you like her! Say it to her face. Kiss her smack on the mouth, then she'll know for sure how you feel about her.

I saw Yuri's face contorted in anger and determination before his lips crashed into mine.

It was nothing like I had imagined my first kiss being like. It wasn't soft. It didn't evoke butterflies in the pit of my stomach. His lips were hard and puckered—forceful, as they pressed into mine. His grip around the back of my neck pulled awkwardly at my hair.

The few times when I had actively conjured up the thought of kissing someone I had always imagined it being a girl. She would be pretty and would smell sweet like girls smelt. I imagined her lips tasting like a concoction of different fruits because that's what Adriana's lip glosses smelt like.

The contrast between what I had always imagined superimposed on reality and sent a shockwave through my whole body. I don't even think I was aware of what was happening in those disorienting few seconds. I hadn't caught the sign when I had the chance to do something about it. One second Yuri was sat on his branch, a half meter's distance away, and the next, he was right up in my face, his lips sealed upon mine.

I reacted much later. Perhaps seen outside of the lens of shock, I reacted all too late. But had I waited a fraction of a second longer, Yuri's face would have come into view and there wouldn't have been a need for a reaction. I would have been able to see his face. I would have known what he was thinking, and would have known that he was playing a cruel joke on me. Just that, a joke. Afterwards, we could have talked about it or laughed about it.

But all I saw in those seconds (and what I will forever recall with exact clarity) is the horror that flashed through him as my hands connected with his chest. There was so much force behind my hands. Too much force—a force that had wanted to inflict the same confusion and torment that his kiss had put me through.

Yuri was falling. Before that, he was groping for something to steady himself with as his arm around the trunk lost its grip. And before even that, there was terror etched with excruciating detail across his face.

Several branches broke off from under his weight as he tumbled with the pull of gravity towards the ground. Above the echoes of the branches breaking off, was a loud, unmistakable, thud that drove me into action.

- Yuri!

I didn't see where my hands went or if my feet stood on sturdy branches. I would later have bruises and cuts along my forearms and legs, but in that moment, right then and there, there was little I could recall of actually getting down the tree. My mind was a storm of emotions.

Before I had even made my way down, Yuri let out a painful screech that raised every follicle of hair on my body. My fingers gripped the bark around the branches—frozen in place.

Yuri screamed several times more before his screams turned into high pitched cries of agony.