Chapter 23: My Darling Jane: Chapter 23

The sound of rustling stirs me from sleep in the hospital armchair. Blinking into the dimly lit room, I see a tall figure by the door. Jasper. Butterflies dance in my stomach at the sight of him.

“How did you get in?” I murmur, noting the late hour on the clock. It’s nearly midnight, and visiting hours were over at six. Andrew has already gone home with a promise to call me first thing in the morning.

Jasper edges closer, his approach quiet so he doesn’t wake Londyn. He gazes down at her softly, then looks at me, searching my face. “I went for a walk in the park and just decided to come and see you. Andrew told me about her allergic reaction. I was worried about you both. I couldn’t get through on the phone, so I just came.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back.”

“It’s fine,” he assures me. “I’m sure it’s been a tough day.”

I rise from the chair, stretching my tired muscles. “It’s just part of being a mom. I’ll always run to her side when she needs me.”

He steps toward me and wraps me in a hug, with his hand rubbing my back. “Ah, angel. Are you okay? Talk to me.”

I sink into his embrace, craving the comfort. I don’t have any words. I just soak him in.

He lifts my face toward his. “I hate seeing you all alone. And an armchair is not a good place to sleep. Let me take care of that.” He presses a kiss to my forehead, then strides over to the nurses’ station. I watch him talk to them, pointing back at me. Soon, he’s back with a triumphant smile. “They’re bringing a rollaway bed and pillows and blankets. I can sleep in the chair.”

As he returns with that triumphant smile, something inside me shifts. It’s not the relief I expected to feel. It’s a knot of fear. His kindness should warm me. But it doesn’t. It terrifies me.

What if I’m pregnant?

Would he want to be with me then?

Sure, he said he wanted kids, but he meant planned ones.

Would I be a burden to him, like I was to Tomas?

I’ve been down the baby road before, and the idea of placing that same weight on Jasper’s shoulders feels wrong.

He’s a supportive man, yes, but he didn’t sign up for this when we started seeing each other.

Would he run, not physically, but emotionally retreating?

As I watch him charm the aide, something inside me breaks. This man, who could have anyone, doesn’t deserve the mess that is my life. He doesn’t deserve to be dragged into my complications and fears.

It’s not just about protecting myself from potential heartbreak. It’s about protecting him.

But how do I explain this? How do I tell him that it’s not him, it’s me.

How do I say goodbye to the best thing that’s happened to me because I’m too scared of repeating the past?

Another wave of nausea hits me. Beads of sweat form on my forehead as I make a beeline for the bathroom. Hunched over the toilet, I throw up, the little I’ve eaten today making a swift exit.

The bathroom door creaks open. “Jane? Baby. Are you all right?”

“Fine,” I lie, trying to put some cheer into my voice. “Just close the door, please.”

But he doesn’t. Instead, he steps in, concern on his face as he finds me on my knees. “Why didn’t you say you were sick?”

“It’s nothing. Just nerves.”

He doesn’t seem convinced but moves to wet a cloth at the sink, then comes over to wipe my forehead. The gesture is too much in the face of everything else.

It’s going to hurt too much when he walks away.

I stand up, taking the cloth from him. I smile gently. “You should go home, Jasper.”

He frowns. “No.”

“You’ll rest better for training. Londyn is doing great, she’s just resting. I’m fine.”

His blue eyes search mine, and I harden myself.

Everyone leaves.

My mom.

Tomas.

“Really, I’m doing fine,” I say in my most reassuring voice. All I want to do right now is sort through the turmoil of possibly being pregnant without him clouding my thoughts and making everything more confusing.

He’s quiet for a moment, then lets out a slow breath. The strong columns of his throat move as he swallows. “You’re pushing me away. You think I don’t understand? I do. Your mom and Tomas did a number on you. My mom did one on me too.”

He leans against the wall in the bathroom. “I held out hope for years that she’d come back, even though I had an awesome family taking care of me. Little by little that hope died. It turned on me, and I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t want to be afraid of getting involved with you. I don’t want to run away when you need me. I’m here, right now.”

His gaze locks with mine, emotions swirling in his eyes.

I sit on the top of the toilet lid. “Yes, you’re right, and I appreciate you showing up tonight, but I can’t afford to talk about it right now.

Not with Londyn here. There’s a lot on my mind, Jasper. The best thing for you to do is just give me some time.”

He flinches, as if wounded. “Jane—”

“No,” I murmur softly, interrupting him, needing to make him understand, needing to protect what little peace I’ve managed to carve out. “It’s a lot, okay. Me and Londyn . . .” and maybe another baby. “There’s things going on with me that I just need to think about.”

“Like what?”

“Can you just go?”

His jaw clenches, and for a moment, he looks like he might argue, but then something shifts in his demeanor, a resignation.

He looks away from me and out the window. A tired expression settles on his face. “If that’s what you want.”

“I’ll call you soon,” I murmur, wondering if I will.

There’s a heavy silence between us. Finally, he steps forward, closing the distance I’ve put between us.

He leans down and presses a gentle kiss to my lips. “All right. Take care of yourself.”

With that, he turns and walks out of the room, leaving me alone with a heart that feels like it’s been split in two. As I watch him go, a part of me wonders if I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life by pushing him away, but then, he didn’t fight much to stay either.