Chapter 16: Growing space

"Come on, sweetie. Let's get you all buckled up already." Noah lifts Lilah up and puts her in her car seat.

She looks up at him, showing off her small teeth. "Where is mummy?"

"She's still getting Esther ready, but she'll be here soon and then you and Esther can go to babu and bibi, yeah?"

"Can we go to the playground?"

"You'll have to ask that again to babu and bibi, but if you ask nicely, I'm sure they'll say yes."

"Okay!" Noah kisses her forehead and brushes some of Lilah's auburn hair to the side. He hears the front door opening and turns.

"Can you put Esther in her seat as well?" Leila asks. "I need to go to the toilet before we leave."

"Alright." Leila hands over their one-year-old and as always, she drowns in Noah's arms. It was the same with Lilah; he always felt as if she was going to fall right through his arms, especially in the beginning. At least now he has gained some confidence in his 'paternal skills'.

Esther is babbling nonsense that vaguely resembles words and she grabs his ear while he is bent over her to fasten the seat belt.

He catches her hand in between both of his. "No, no, little miss. You don't get to do that. That's my ear. Now I'll have to punish your bad little hand. What should I do? Shall I keep it? Shall I bite off all your little fingers?" He motions as if he's biting down. Esther screams happily and pulls back her hand. Noah laughs and ruffles her hair.

Leila rushes out of the house. "I'm ready. Do we have everything? Is the buggy in the trunk? And the diapers?"

"Yes. It's just for a day and my parents can buy diapers if we don't bring enough."

"Okay." Leila exhales and relaxes. "It's just ... You know ..."

"I know." Noah smiles at her over the car before opening the passenger door.

***

They drop Lilah and Esther off at his parents'. Leila fusses again and Noah watches slightly amused and slightly annoyed. He'd prefer to still find a parking spot; it's the end of November, so they won't be the only ones shopping today, even if it's a Friday.

Baba is holding Esther, who is wriggling around in his arms and Lilah is running around the yard, getting dirt and grass on her leggings already, while mama and Leila are talking. Eventually, Lilah tugs on mama's loose pants and her conversation with Leila dies out. They say goodbye and Noah's parents and daughters wave at them, before mama ushers everyone inside.

Leila starts the engine. "What are we doing first? Clothes or toys?"

Noah glances at her. "Clothes." His smirk seeps into his tone. "You are harder to please than them."

Leila scoffs indignantly. "I hope you aren't going to complain all day. You were the one to suggest we also buy some things for me today. I can always go another time with Fatima."

"I know, babe. It was just a joke. You deserve some spoiling."

They stop at the red lights and Leila asks: "Is this your secret present for our fifth wedding anniversary?"

Noah shrugs and grumbles: "Kinda."

The cars before them start driving again. Leila waits to reply until they've turned right: "Thank you." Noah hums in acknowledgement. He prefers to keep his presents subtle and not to be put on the spot for them, but after ten years together, Leila knows him too well to be fooled by the seeming casualness of them and growing up in a poor, emotionally distant immigrant family, she has always been one to appreciate the little things and small acts of love. It's one of the things he loves most about her.

***

As expected, the parking in the town centre is almost full and they have to walk quite a bit to H&M, where Leila wants to start. She wanders through the clothing racks, first looking at different pairs of jeans, then sweaters. Noah just follows her around since he's mostly there to judge what she takes to the fitting rooms. It's not like he knows anything about fashion and he's never sure what Leila would like.

Eventually, Leila disappears into a fitting room with a heap of different things and Noah waits outside, clearly not the only husband/boyfriend dragged along with his wife. Though he also notices a woman waiting – for another woman? They touch and smile and look at each other in that way that screams: 'Couple!' and 'Honeymoon phase!'.

His attention jumps back to Leila when she opens the curtain. She wears tight jeans and a teal sweater that goes well with her hijab.

"You look good."

"You don't think my butt looks fat in these jeans?"

"Spin for me." Leila turns around and proceeds to look over her shoulder at the mirror in the stall. "You don't look fat to me and if you do, I like it."

Leila slaps his arm. "You don't say that to a woman."

Noah shrugs. "You didn't marry me because of my tact or my politeness."

Leila laughs. "True. You stay there like the good husband you are and I'll go try something else on."

They leave with a handful of items. They can't afford to go all out since they still have a mortgage to pay off and children cost money and as a hairdresser and an electrician, they don't exactly make top wages.

They go to a privately owned toy store because they know from last year the prices are lower and the quality is probably better as well. It's slightly less crowded than the clothing stores they come from, and though there are a few images of Saint Nicholas, it's not as abundant as in one of the chain stores they passed on their way. One store had even hung Christmas lights already.

When they enter, Noah almost halts in his steps as he sniffs the air and frowns. "What's that smell?" The whole store reeks of burning wood. It's so overpowering it clouds his mind.

Leila looks up, frowning as well. "What smell? I don't smell anything strange, just sweat and the wood of the toys."

"It's like burning wood ... and something flowery maybe? I don't know."

"You don't have a cold, do you?"

"That would be a really strange cold." He shakes his head as if it will help him get rid of the odour that lingers in his nose and titillates his senses. "Anyway, let's just shop. It doesn't matter. Maybe it'll go away." Leila studies him a few seconds longer, but she acquiesces.

Since Esther is only one year old and not picky yet, they find her a nice wooden puzzle with animals, a stuffed giraffe and a music box with angels that doesn't sound terribly out of tune. Lilah is a bit more difficult, but they stumble upon a beautiful yellow truck – it's a modern society, after all, and girls can put their dolls in trucks – and decide to buy a book with fairy-tales later, so they're off to the cash register since Lilah will also get to eat all the sweets that Esther can't yet and that way, their daughters have equal presents, which they both find important.

They join the queue and the scent from before is impossibly stronger now. As much as Noah enjoys the smell of a nice bonfire, this is causing a headache because he doesn't know why he's the only one smelling it. It can't be a werewolf thing, can it? Leila doesn't smell anything and their senses are only slightly better than those of ordinary humans.

When his eyes connect with those of the guy behind the register, however, he practically freezes. It's his mate. Or at least one of his possible mates since he's been happily mated and married to Leila for many years. Of course. That explains why Leila couldn't smell him. The chance that this guy would also be her mate, is rather slim. Doesn't explain why the smell is still so strong and eye contact shouldn't be such shock to the core of his system.

Noah tears his eyes away and quickly gets a grip on himself. No use speculating about that right now. He lets Leila speak – he's a man of few words anyway – and the guy acts as if nothing was sizzling between them right before, though there's no way he didn't realise since it's quite impossible not to recognise your mate when you meet eye to eye. He has a pleasant but soft voice, amazingly soft actually for a man.

When they leave the store, everything seems to itch and crawl on and under his skin, in his heart, in his head. He can't concentrate on the different books with fairy-tales as Lilah deserves. He wants to talk his discovery through with Leila, but they can't exactly do that in public. They planned on eating lunch in one of the side streets and depending on what they decide, they might go home for a few hours or stay here to do some more shopping or walking and looking around till they have to pick their daughters up around five o'clock, which is hopefully after their nap because cranky, tired kids are not nice.

He'll suggest to Leila they go home after lunch. They need some alone time anyway since, even after Lilah and Esther are in bed, they are never at ease and their peace never lasts long because they have been blessed with two fitful sleepers. He actually can't remember the last time he had a full night's sleep because they considered Esther too young to stay overnight with either of their parents. Maybe it's time to change that. Might do wonders for their sex life as well.

***

The quiet of their home makes it feel almost ... empty. Now he's finally able to, Noah doesn't know how to start. He's not a talker and conversations with your partner about other people you're attracted to, were never meant to be easy. He might be bisexual, but they were never the couple to go 'people-spotting'. Such objectification feels wrong on both a personal and a religious level. He doesn't understand how people do just that: see nothing but someone's appearance, if they are 'hot'.

"I know why I smelt that scent in the store."

"Yeah? What is it?" Leila stops rummaging with some dishes that were dropped in the sink that morning.

"That guy, the cashier – he's one of my mates, but it was really strong, abnormally."

Leila is silent for what seems like several minutes. "What are you saying? Do you wanna talk to him?"

"Kinda. I'm ... curious. I want to know why it's so strong. You know that one time we passed that woman on the street and she just smelt ... dull, faded, like we're always told it is when you are mated."

"Yeah." Silence again. "And what are you gonna do after you've talked?"

"Nothing?"

"But why do you wanna talk then? Would knowing why the scent was so strong matter? What if it's because he's a really good match for you?"

"But you're my mate."

"Yeah." Leila takes his hand. They're still standing and it's awkward. Noah looks at her forehead. "I just want you to think about these things."

Noah lets out a slow breath. "I still wanna talk with him, but now I feel like I'd be unfaithful if I did."

"That's not true. But I can go with you if you want. If that helps."

"But he's not your mate."

"No, but you are, and I'm trying to make you feel better and help you decide what to do."

"I don't know. I think I need some time to... think about it? Or not think about it." Noah looks down at Leila's eyes. She's smiling and they're as warm as ever. "Let's watch a movie?"

***

It's two weeks later – Saint Nicholas has come and gone – when they go back to the toy store in hopes of finding Noah's mate and settle a time to talk privately. It's almost noon because Esther was making a fuss all morning and they had to leave later than planned.

They are in luck because the scent of burning wood penetrates Noah's senses even before they enter the store. Some people are walking around, but nobody's queuing at the cash register. Noah's mate looks up when they enter and stares when they head straight to him.

"Hey," Noah starts, and falls silent. He glances at Leila. Her smile encourages him. "I'd ... like to talk to you sometime. If you want to as well, of course." He checks where the other people in the store are, but lowers his voice nonetheless. "Your scent was really strong, so I'm curious. And I'd like to talk. If you remember me. Us."

The guy laughs. "I do. Kinda hard not to remember your mate when they smell like a whole bakery." Wow. Noah didn't expect that. To Leila, he smells like eucalyptus for some reason. She always jokes that's why she never gets a cold.

"So, uhm ... Do you wanna talk?"

"If you have time, I have lunch break in ... half an hour."

Noah looks at Leila and she steps in. "We can wait that long. I'm Leila, by the way."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Nico."

"Noah."

"Alright. You can look around or come back later." Nico smiles at them. They turn around and decide to take a short walk in the street that is now full of Christmas shoppers.

Noah has talked more to Leila the past few weeks, trying to sort through his thoughts and feelings, what he expects and wants from this conversation, but the idea still unsettles him, maybe even more now he knows his name because he's not a complete stranger anymore. Noah is normally not an anxious person, but now his nerves can't settle down, it seems, and that frustrates him.

"Are you nervous?"

"Yes."

"Still sure you want me with you?"

"Yes."

Leila squeezes his hand. "Loosen up. You're going to scare him off with your bushy eyebrows like that."

When they return, Noah doesn't see Nico and his gut tumbles. Then he comes out of the back. "Sorry for the wait. Did you have a place in mind where we can have our chat?"

Noah glances at Leila. "Do you?" she replies.

"Is the sandwich bar fine? I usually get my lunch there."

"Of course."

They order and choose a table away from the buzz of the other. They sit in silence.

"So," Nico starts, "we are mates."

"Yes."

"You mentioned my scent was strong, but isn't that normal?"

"It would be, but I've been mated to Leila for years."

"You're mated?"

"And married too." Noah squeezes Leila's hand and she squeezes back and smiles.

She adds: "We have two daughters. That's why we came to the store."

"Why did you approach me then?" Nico's eyes flit from Leila to Noah, back and forth.

Noah glances at Leila. "Curiosity, I think. Why you still smell so ..."

"But I don't know. I mean, you smell nice, and if you were free, I would have gone for it, but ..."

"You don't have a mate?" Leila questions.

"Nope. Never clicked with the few I've met."

Leila reaches over the table but refrains from touching Nico's hand. "You have time. Twenty-six is still young."

"Twenty-five. I'll be twenty-six in a few weeks." Nico smiles.

"Congratulations! Are you a Christmas baby?" Leila exclaims.

"I wish. I was born on the twenty-third."

"Bummer. Are you Christian?"

"I was raised Catholic."

"But you're not anymore?"

"Don't know. Sometimes. One moment, it's just a cultural thing and another, it's super personal, and then I don't fucking care, and ... Faith is hard. To figure it out and to persevere. How about you? You're Muslima, right?"

"I am. Noah is Christian."

"You celebrate Christmas then?"

"We do," Noah answers. It'd be easy to let Leila chatter away, but this is his mate, his strange desires, his responsibility. "Also for the kids because it's on TV and shit and Lilah goes to school and we don't want her to be jealous of her friends."

"That's nice." Nico smiles, and if Noah didn't know Nico is their age because they're mates (and he said it), he'd think him barely twenty. He probably has so few beard hairs that he can't shave yet. "Do you teach them both religions? Celebrate everything?"

"They're still young, so we don't teach them much, but that's the plan. Even if they later choose to believe in neither, it's important for us and it's part of our cultures. They need to know where they come from."

"True. I think us white people forget all too often where we come from. Like, we know our history, but we can ignore it."

Noah mulls over that idea. "That makes sense. I know I'm never just Belgian."

"That's what I mean. Because you're also black."

"More like, also Rwandese. Black is not my culture; Rwandese is."

Nico finishes off his sandwich and crumples his napkins in his hand. Noah starts to eat too, because he still has a quarter left and Leila is barely half.

"My lunch break is almost over, so I should head back." Noah swallows. Isn't that too soon? But no, the clock above the bar flashes 13:02.

"Alright. You can go. We'll pay."

"Thanks. Let me just give you the money for my – "

"Don't worry. Our treat." He is the one who wanted a conversation with his mate while he already has one, so he'll be the one to 'pay for it'.

"Okay. Thanks. I'll be on my way then."

***

They don't talk about Nico. Leila only asks if he's satisfied now and Noah hums and that's it. They eat dinner at his parents' and Esther vomits all over Noah's shirt when they're just about to leave. Lilah starts crying – exhaustion, Noah thinks – and Leila, who was going to take Esther, goes to her and mama does too. Baba stands around looking between them and then goes to him, but mama stands up and goes to him too and it's just chaos. Noah's head throbs. He hands Esther over and changes into one of Baba's old XL shirts. When he comes back, Leila is holding a clean Esther and Lilah is hugging her leg, her head on Leila's thigh.

Noah sighs when he can finally sink into his pillow. He stares up at Leila, who is loosely tying back her hair. She kisses him and he touches her hip and they kiss again. Then he pulls back and turns on his other side.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Noah's eyes slip closed, but when Leila breathes out the puffs of air like she always does while asleep, he's still awake. He turns on his other side and looks at Leila's face for a while. She's beautiful. He's lucky. She's kind and she knows him and she helps him. She's a good mother. She went with him to speak to his mate and she was never once nasty about his desire to know that mate, even though she's his mate, his one, his everything, and she has been for ten years.

But this? How could she ever be okay with this? He certainly can't ask for it. It wouldn't be fair. She has already gone further than others would have and he's an ungrateful bastard because he still wants to speak with Nico, to see him, touch him. God, what should he do? He prays.

***

Nico's Facebook account doesn't show much, nor his Instagram. He's only been working at the toy store for a few months. There's a photo with an older man and woman who are tagged Alfons Van den Brande and Maria Rombouts. His parents, Noah assumes. There's a photo of them and a bunch of other people in a garden and one with his friends at a party, their arms around each other. And there's a card with: "You will always live in our heart." Above it, Nico has written: "Miss you, Cara."

Noah's heart contracts. Who is Cara? She's dead, he guesses, and she must have meant a lot to Nico. There's nothing else on his timeline save for last year's birthday wishes and Noah doesn't scroll further down because he's not a stalker, not really. He switches to Instagram, but there's only a handful of photos to gawk at.

"What are you doing?" Leila leans over the back of the couch. She has a stack of folded laundry in her hands. Noah instinctively wants to cover his screen, but he's done nothing wrong and she's better at untangling his feelings and decisions than he is. "You haven't sent him a friend request yet? I did yesterday and he accepted."

Noah feels miffed and somehow robbed of something. Noah is his mate, not Leila's. And then he feels guilty, because what is he doing for God's sake? Getting jealous of his wife?!

He smiles up at her anyway and they kiss. She pats the laundry and announces: "I'm gonna put these away and check on the kids and then I'm off to bed. Alright?"

"I won't be long. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Noah stares at the pictures on his phone a while longer before he opens Facebook again. It's just a friend request. It doesn't mean anything and it certainly doesn't matter if Nico turns him down.

When it's done, he watches his reflection in the black screen of the TV. He looks plain and unapproachable and he's not one for words, so he always wonders what Leila saw in him back when they first met. She says she just sees 'deeper' than other people, which is kind of true. But on moments like these, he wonders if there even is anything to see, anything worth seeing, under his surface. He supposes that's not true. Leila sees plenty and she loves him. Only he himself doesn't delve deep enough. It complicates things and he prefers simple. Loving Leila is simple. Loving his daughters is simple. This thing with Nico is not, but maybe it's time he got to know himself.

Upstairs Noah hears the bathroom door and then their bedroom. He trudges up the stairs, taking care to be silent. The door handle of the girls' room creaks. He should oil that tomorrow.

Esther is curled on one end of her cot, her blanket next to her. Noah smiles. Leila was here only five minutes ago. She's an active thing in her sleep, their little girl. He drapes it over her and strokes a wisp of her hair. Lilah is clutching her stuffed rabbit.

When he enters their bedroom, Leila regards him in the hall light before he turns it off.

"Done?" she whispers.

"Hm."

She cuddles up to him and their breaths mingle. Yes, maybe it's time to see what she sees.

***

Nico accepts his friend request, but he doesn't send a message. Should he? And about what? It's not proper to start a conversation by asking about someone's death. Or is it? Now he's just overthinking shit and he hates overthinking. Maybe he should just go through Nico's profile again since there'll be more to see. There's a photo with a shirtless Nico by a pool and Noah scrolls down before he can look too long. Nico is a lot skinnier than him. He's always been burly and it doesn't help that his only work-out is carrying his children and playing with them. And occasionally running when he's late to pick them up.

He looks out the window where Leila is playing with Lilah in their little garden. She's kicking the few dead leaves that are still on the ground.

Most photos on Nico's timeline are group photos, a lot of them with his family. There are a few funny animal videos and finally, a picture album captioned: 'My newest work. Thinking of selling it.' In it are a dozen wooden figurines. Three large ones, seven smaller ones and two mini. They are all animals, except for a large one of a boy carrying a girl on his back. The other large ones are wolves, one howling and one sleeping. He doesn't think when he opens Messenger and sends: 'You like animals?'

He hardly has to wait for the ping of a new message. 'Yes! Why?'

'I saw the videos and your figurines. You're really skilled, by the way.'

'Shit, I forgot I put them online. But thanks. I'm quite proud of those.'

'Did you actually sell them?'

'Nope. Gave a few away and kept the others.'

'The boy and the girl? The wolves?'

'Yep. Those are my soul. My friends don't want a giant wolf anyway.'

'I wouldn't either; I am one already :) Or at least a giant degenerate werewolf.'

'You're not giant. You're gargantuan.'

'Fancy word, but I haven't got the slightest what that means.'

'Basically giant. It's based on some book. It's my go-to for hangman.'

'Good to know.'

Noah is smiling, but Esther cries through the baby monitor that her nap is done and he sends a quick 'talk to you later'. He revisits the conversation in the evening. The girls are asleep and Leila is watching TV with her head on his shoulder.

'So, animals?'

'Yes. Wolves, of course, but believe it or not, I'm a cat person.'

'You like cats?!'

'I have three, all strays.'

'I would never. Don't you think they're creepy? They always look at me as if they're plotting evil.'

'That's because they know you don't like them :) If you ever come to mine, I'll introduce you to my cuties. I promise they're not evil :)' And that's less safe territory. Should he ignore it? Say it's too early? Not what he wants? But his phone pings already. 'Forget I said that. So no cats?'

'No. I'm your typical werewolf and I prefer dogs.'

'Dogs are cool too. To be honest, I like all animals, even insects. And snakes. So you have one? A dog, I mean.'

'No, though we'd like to. But we have our girls to take care of and we're not sure we can afford it while we still have our mortgage to pay off.'

'I get that. I could barely pay the vet for the sterilisation of my cats.'

They keep texting all week, when Noah's not working or spending time with Leila and his children. Leila definitely notices, but she just smiles and they kiss or cuddle and then it's been another day.

On Friday evening, when they're lying in bed after sex, Noah gathers his courage and loses it a few times over before he utters: "Leila?"

"Hm?"

"I think I'd like to see Nico again."

"This weekend?"

"Yeah."

"With me?"

"No. If you want to."

"Alright. Could you go Sunday afternoon? I'll ask Fatima over to help with the kids."

"You agree just like that?"

Leila chuckles. "Just like that. You're not cheating on me and I see my friends way more than you do."

"You just have more friends."

"Also. But there's more in this world for you than me. Even if you believe I'm all you need."

"You are."

Leila laughs softly and pecks his lips. "Silly man. Love you."

"Love you."

***

"You have those wolves in your living room?"

"Yep. People always freak out when it's practically the first thing they see and I fucking love it."

"I'm not freaking out."

"Of course not."

Nico moves to his couch and pets a large black cat. "This is Noir."

"Original."

"No shit," Nico fires back. "It's my trademark. Floris and Blancheflour are out on the balcony."

"Floris and Blancheflour, isn't that a story?"

"Yes. Blancheflour is, well, white, and my sister chose those names. Because of the story."

Noir appears to be napping, but Noah still sits as far from him as possible. Nico offers him a beer and they chat and watch TV and even play FIFA for a while. Noah sucks (and he suspects Nico does too, just less), but they have fun. It's ... easy. Like they've known each other for years, not a week. They keep it light, but somehow their chitchat carries a lot of weight. When Noah's home, it presses down on his heart like a stamp. He's sent the letter; now he can't reverse it.

***

They don't get together for Nico's birthday, but Noah makes a card with Lilah, and Esther dumps a wad a glitter on it. She almost eats the rest and he has to give her a bath because that shit is everywhere.

He doesn't think about Nico on Christmas. Or he tries to because Nico sends him a 'Merry Christmas' and then he's stuck in his head like a song he can't get rid of. A good song. On New Year, he does think of Nico, but not too long because they're at Leila's parents and his family is more important. He holds Leila's hand most of the time and she squeezes once in a while as if she knows his mind is running. He breathes out and his feet are a bit steadier on the ground. He's here, he loves his wife, he loves his daughters, his family, and that's what matters right now.

Mid-January, he meets up with Nico again and a week later again. They are in the sandwich shop they first met up, warming their hands on two large cups of coffee. They go over their week and the usual shit, but eventually, they stray into silence. They both watch out the window and Noah follows a woman wrestling with two young children.

"Noah? I actually wanted to talk about ... this."

Noah turns his attention to Nico, who is looking him in the eyes but not really meeting them. He appears both bashful and confident, unlike his usual open demeanour.

"This kinda friends thing is all good, but I ... You should tell me what you want from this." Noah looks but doesn't move. Can't move his mouth or his throat or his brain. What does he want? This is not curiosity anymore. Fuck.

"I don't wanna pressure you, but sometimes it feels like we're dating. And you're married with kids and I don't wanna be your mistress or whatever the male version is."

"I would never cheat!"

"I know, but you know ... This ..." Nico helplessly waves his hand in the air.

"I don't know."

"You're just nice, and easy. Easy to like. You're my mate and I can't help that I feel ... things and you're just ..." He makes another helpless gesture.

"I don't know what this is. I thought curiosity, but it's not really. I think ... I feel things too."

"But what? Help me out here! I have to take care of my feelings, you know."

"Yeah. Sorry. You have a thing for gargantuan men?"

"Pretty much."

"Even now? I suck at this shit."

"Are you serious? If I had found the off-switch, I would've used it already."

Noah looks down at the remaining half of his coffee that is lukewarm now. Didn't he decide back in December to start seeing what Leila sees?

"Same, to be honest. Couldn't you be less nice, and less hot?"

Nico chuckles. "Nope. Not gonna give up my good qualities." He taps the table. "What are we gonna do about it?"

"Don't know. I'm not divorcing."

"I'm not asking that. Kids come first."

"And I love my wife."

"That too," Nico acquiesces. "So I think, for my sake, that we should cut our contact."

"Yeah." Noah tries not to think about what that means. They've barely known each other for two months, but he can't imagine how he could not see Nico, not text him.

Nico flags down the waiter and pays for them. "My treat," he insists. "Because it was nice to know you, giant."

***

"Leila?"

"Hm?" She pauses the movie.

"I talked with Nico today."

"I know."

"About us."

Leila closes her laptop and puts it down, fully turning to Noah. "What's this about?"

"He likes me."

"I'm not surprised. You're very likeable." She smiles and Noah returns it, but it's tiny.

"He wants to protect himself-"

"So you have to keep your distance," Leila fills in.

"Yeah. No contact anymore. Nothing."

"You will ... Are you implying you will miss him?"

Noah keeps silent and doesn't look at Leila. "Yeah," he mutters.

Leila frowns. "Are you okay? You're acting strange."

"I know. I have to tell you something." Noah looks up at her. "I feel the same for him."

The silence stretches out Noah's hold on his emotions. Leila studies him but she doesn't reply and he's not like her; he can't read faces.

"I'm sorry. It happened and now I'm stuck with it."

"You wanna sleep with him?" Leila's voice is sharp, too sharp for the cosiness in their bed.

"No! I mean, yes, but that's not the problem. I would not cheat on you. Never."

Leila's face softens and she touches his hand. "I know. But what do you want then?"

Noah hesitates. "What we did. See him, text him, talk ..."

"And kiss and cuddle and sleep with him." Noah glances away. "Basically a relationship."

"Sorry."

When Noah looks back up, Leila's eyes glisten. She whispers: "Do you wanna leave me?"

"No!" Even Noah is surprised at how loud the word bursts out. But how can she think that? "You're my mate, my wife, the mother of my children, my one, my love. You think I could function without you?"

Leila laughs. "You can because you're amazing, but thanks. You're the same to me."

"Your wife?"

She chuckles again. "So how serious are your feelings?"

Noah thinks about how just these few hours feel like aeons, like heartbreak. "Pretty serious, I think."

"You'd date him?"

Wasn't that clear already? "If I didn't have you and our kids."

"And would you date him if you did have me and our kids?" Noah frowns. Leila reaches out to smoothen his forehead. "Like a relationship with both of us?"

"That's just an affair."

"I've got a client with four partners and she told me it's called polyamory if you have everyone's consent."

"That's a thing?"

"Apparently."

"And you're suggesting we do that with Nico? But he's not your mate!"

"I wouldn't date him; you would. My client's partners don't date each other either. And I don't know yet if I could do it. I just thought of it. Maybe with some rules."

"I don't know if I could do it."

"I think you can. Let's just sleep on it for now, yeah?"

***

'I know you said not to contact you, but I talked with Leila and she suggested something. Have you heard of polyamory?'

Nico reads Noah's message half an hour after he sent it, but the reply only comes in the evening. 'I looked it up and I think I get it. Are you suggesting a threesome?'

'No! I don't want an open relationship. I wanna date you and still be with Leila. Can we meet up to talk?'

And so on Candlemas, they sit across each other with a plate of pancakes.

"So what exactly is it you have in mind? Because if we're talking about an affair or you're stringing me along, I'm done here."

Noah sets the bowl with sugar down. If Nico wants to start this before they've even tasted a bite, so be it. "I want to be with both you and Leila. Like a polyamorous relationship. You said you looked it up." Noah's guts twist because Nico seems to expect the worst of him. Don't they know each other better than that?

"I did, but it sounds a little too good to be true."

"Leila and I talked a lot about this the past weeks and we have some rules. If you accept, you should come over soon to discuss more details."

"What are those rules?"

Noah relaxes. This is progress. "Children come first. Always."

"Naturally."

"I keep living with Leila." Nico doesn't visibly react, so Noah continues: "I don't sleep over at yours. If we want to spend the night together, we do it at ours. Though we haven't figured out the logistics yet."

"So you're saying ... Leila allows us to do shit in bed."

"Yeah. Whatever we want as long as I don't neglect her. We can go on real dates or kiss. Whatever."

"And you're ... She's serious about this?"

"Yeah. She said that if I have room for more love, then she can make room to give me more love."

"That's what you call unconditional."

Noah nods. Growing to love a second person is not the hard part; loving your one enough to let him love a second is.

"What if Leila and I run into each other at your house? Kinda awkward if she knows I've just fucked her husband."

"Don't know. We'll figure it out."

"And what if one of us can't do it anymore? If there's something we can't overcome?" Nico's voice trembles. Noah opens his mouth but doesn't speak. Isn't that what he fears most? That they put in all this effort and then it doesn't work out?

"We stop everything."

"Which guarantees heartbreak for me."

"And me. And maybe even Leila. But you take a chance with every relationship."

Nico gazes at him and starts eating. They make idle remarks during the meal about the music playing, and sports, and other people about.

When they're waiting for the bill, Nico touches Noah's hand and says: "I'll take that chance."

***

"What are you making?" Noah is stretched out on the couch and peers at Nico who keeps chipping off wood.

"You'll see."

"Are you gonna sell this one?"

"Nope. It's for you."

"For me?"

"If you could shut up a second, I'm almost finished."

After a few more minutes, Nico gets up and presses the figurine in Noah's hand. It depicts three cats.

"You gave me cats?"

Nico grins. "What else?"

"Has everything you make such a meaning?"

Nico sits down next to Noah's hips, barely still on the couch. "Most mean at least something."

"What's the meaning of the girl and the boy? Your sister?"

"How did you guess?"

"I've been wondering since December. I saw a card on your Facebook timeline. Cara, right?"

"Yeah. She died in a traffic accident."

"Sorry."

"Don't worry. You weren't the car that hit her. It wasn't even really the driver's fault. They were working on the road. She wanted to pass on her bike and the driver didn't see her coming. Just bad luck."

Nico's dismissal suggests he isn't over it yet, but Noah doesn't insist. Instead, he gestures at the statue in the corner of the room and asks: "And why that image?"

Nico looks at the wall while he speaks, not even really in the direction of the statue. "She broke her leg when we were little and she hated her wheelchair. So I carried her."

"You were older?"

"Yeah. Three years."

Noah sits up and puts his arm around Nico's shoulders. "You don't have to tell me these things if you don't want to."

"I know," Nico mutters but he still doesn't turn his head.

"Thanks for the cats." Noah holds the figurine above their knees where they touch. "I'll put it somewhere Lilah and Esther can't destroy it." Nico laughs and it sounds less hollow than his words from before. Noah pecks his cheek.

"When do you have to leave?"

"I promised I'd be home before midnight. But you can always come with me."

Nico answers the same way he did all the other times Noah has offered. "Don't know. I don't want to intrude."

"We've made a guestroom. The kids would love it if you played with them tomorrow morning. And Leila would love to sleep in."

"You sure?" Nico finally looks at Noah.

"I'm happy you see reason." Noah smiles broadly and pecks Nico's lips.

"Fuck you." Nico blushes. Noah pulls him up to pack an overnight bag, but the house is dark and silent anyway by the time they get home. He shows Nico the former clutter room they cleared out to make a tiny guestroom out of it. It seems even smaller because of the queen size bed. There is no closet space, only a chair and a bedside table.

"It's alright, isn't it? For a night?"

"Yeah. Where's your bathroom?"

"Upstairs."

They both get ready and Noah steals a few glances of Nico's body. He leaves him to go downstairs while he checks on Leila and his girls. Leila is still awake and he quickly murmurs: "Nico's here. I'll be in the guestroom."

"Okay."

"Goodnight. Love you."

"You too."

Nico lies in bed when he enters. "What are you doing here? I thought you were with Leila."

"I just said goodnight."

"Are you sleeping here?"

"Of course. Why else would I invite you?"

"I assumed ... She's your wife!"

Noah settles down on the other side of the bed. "And you're my boyfriend. Are you insecure?"

Nico heaves out a chuckle that almost sounds like a sob. "Where is your tact?"

"Never had it."

Noah grabs Nico and pulls him into a hug. "It's not because Leila is my one, that you're not my one too," he whispers. "Should I say it more often, like with Leila?"

Nico exhales in Noah's ear. "No love songs. Or poems."

"Promise. I'm an uncultured swine anyway."

"No swine. A wolf. And I'm a cat."

"You're lucky you're not creepy or I'd throw you out."

"Go to sleep, big bad wolf. We have two girls to catch in the woods tomorrow. Or I'll show you how evil I am."

Noah settles comfortably and Nico follows. "Love you, evil cat."

Nico grunts. "You too. Degenerate wolf."

***

Author's Note: The first time I read about polyamory was not a threeway, like you often find on Wattpad, but just people who had more than one relationship. In fact, in all the interviews and articles I read (which are not that many, but enough), that form of polyamory was most represented, but I have yet to find representation of it on Wattpad, so I decided to write it myself. Those relationships where everyone is with everyone, do exist, but they might not be the majority and a lot of polyamorous people do have a primary partner they live with, are married to, or have children with.

I also love how someone like Noah, who is "bad" at communicating his feelings, can still have good communication with his partners. Though his and Noah's relationship would likely not succeed if he didn't have Leila (or at least be less smooth or shorter).

This story also features people of colour and I hope that I, as a white person, have done them justice. Likewise for the fact Leila and Noah are both second generation immigrants. I made Noah Rwandese because it's the African country whose history I know best because I wrote a research paper about the 1994 genocide. Noah's parents (or grandparents) fled after one of the pogroms proceeding the genocide, since they are Tutsi's (or moderate Hutu's, whatever you want). I'm not sure, however, if they would see their culture as Rwandese or Tutsi.

If I haven't painted these characters right, please educate me. (And if I have male readers, tell me if my male characters are realistic, in this story and others. I read somewhere men don't talk about the nature of their relationships, which they do in this story, but I didn't want to make drastic changes anymore and this seemed like an exceptional situation.)

The words 'babu', 'bibi' and 'baba' are Swahili, which is spoken in Rwanda, but I'm not sure for how many it is their native language. But since the words for grandma and grandpa in Kinyarwanda are nyogokuru and sogokuru, I suspect they would be simplified for children and I don't want to assume, so I chose the easier solution with Swahili.

Let me know through votes and comments if you liked this (and your critique and questions too, of course).