I don't get any sleep that night. Thoughts of Asher run through my mind. Emotions of confusion, angst, and maybe even infatuation, swirl around in my head until I almost scream out in frustration. The idea of having feelings for Asher makes me feel sick with anxiety. This one boy has clouded my thoughts, and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. After tossing and turning for hours on end, I finally accept the fact that I'm not getting any sleep tonight. Liam's final words before driving off are still ringing in my ears.
You and Asher have something. Everyone can see it but you.
I groan into my pillow for what feels like the millionth time that night. The lack of sleep is driving me crazy. My emotions are wrecking me from the inside out. I check the time on my phone for what must be the 20th time in the last 10 minutes.
3:42 a.m.
4 new messages from Asher
My stomach is in knots when I cave and decide to look at the texts from Asher. I have been ignoring him all night, needing space to think, but I can't handle not knowing any longer.
Sent at 12:27 a.m.:
Hey, we need to talk.
Sent at 1:52 a.m.:
Sweetheart, I meant what I said.
Sent at 2:34 a.m.:
Makayla... scratch the last text. Would you believe me if I said I went temporarily insane for a few moments there last night?
Sent at 3:05 a.m.:
I'm sorry...I don't know what else to say. Please just talk to me.
Sitting up in my bed, I re-read the messages again. I start to type a reply but stop myself. What would I even say to him? Nothing has changed. Even if I entertain the idea of Asher and I for a second, I know it's pointless. It feels like I am drowning in my overthinking until reality pulls me back up to the surface.
Asher doesn't do exclusive.
What if it would be different with me?
Doubt it. You're nothing special. When he can have any girl he wants, why would he choose the girl with overwhelming anxiety who is haunted by the ghost of her mother? Why pick a girl with so much emotional baggage? Why would he want you? My intrusive thoughts creep back in.
I rub my temples, trying to get rid of the pounding headache. I cannot believe I'm having an argument with myself right now...and losing. Sighing, I get out of my bed and leave my room. Walking into the kitchen, I get out some ingredients to make brownies. Throwing my hair up into a ponytail, I start baking, hoping to distract myself with sweets.
*************************************************
"What the hell?"
I look up from icing my latest batch of cupcakes to see Char and Nina walking into the living room. I frown, wondering why they are up at this hour. I turn to check the clock hanging on the wall by the fridge. My eyes widen when I see the time.
9:51 a.m.
Woah. Have I seriously been up all night?
"Makayla, sweetie, step away from the frosting." Char says, slowly walking towards me. I roll my eyes at her and keep decorating the cupcakes.
"Damn, Makayla! Did you make all these?" Nina questions, grabbing a muffin off one of the plates. I look around the kitchen and finally take in all the food I've made. Chocolate chip cookies, a tray of brownies, blueberry muffins, and two dozen red velvet cupcakes. The timer goes off in the oven, reminding me of the dozen chocolate chip muffins I just popped in 20 minutes ago. Grabbing my oven mitts, I pull the tray out, while Char turns off the oven, giving me a pointed look.
"Alright, so I might have gotten a little carried away." I mumble sheepishly.
"A little? Makayla, we have enough to feed a small army of children!" Nina jokes, while munching away on one of the blueberry muffins.
"Okay, what's wrong?" Char asks.
"Nothing. Why would something be wrong?" I reply, lying through my teeth.
"You're forgetting that I've known you since we were 4 years old. When you're stressed, you bake. Granted, it's never been THIS bad!" Char points out, looking at all the desserts cluttering our kitchen.
"Oh! That's right. Remember last year? You had that huge criminal justice paper worth 45% of your grade. I'm pretty sure all I ate for a week was a variety of pie." Nina says. Char nodded her head.
"So, I stress-bake sometimes? That doesn't mean I am now!" I argue. They both gave me an "are you kidding me look" and I sighed. "Okay, so I might be trying to get my mind off a few things."
"Like how your date flopped last night?" I look over at Nina who is already eating her second muffin. Char walks over to where she is sitting at the counter and slaps the back of her head.
"Ow! What the hell was that for?" Nina asks, rubbing the back of her head.
"For not being sensitive." Char huffs, glaring at her. Nina curses under her breath.
"Well, yeah. Nina is right. It was a complete disaster from the very beginning. I mean for starters; Asher crashes our date." I grunt out the last part. Char gasps, as Nina's eyes widen. "Liam took us to his families' restaurant, and we were having a good time. Right up until the moment Asher, a bunch of his teammates, and their dates all showed up. Then Asher and his date, Maddie, ended up joining us at our table." I continue.
"Oh my god!" Char exclaims; her eyes are as big as saucers. Nina shakes her head in disbelief.
"Then, to top it all off, Asher and I almost kiss. I end up running back to the table, where I couldn't even enjoy the most amazing food I ever had because I am wracked with guilt over almost kissing one guy when I was on a date with another. Even though I don't feel as guilty now, since the only reason Liam asked me out was to piss off Asher and make our waitress jealous, who apparently is another girl who slept with Asher!" I finish my rant, letting out a huff afterwards. It feels good to get that all off my chest. I almost feel lighter. Well, almost. Not wanting to look them in the eyes, I focus on frosting the last of the cupcakes.
I look over at my best friends when I hear Nina start coughing frantically. Char has her mouth wide open, while Nina was choking on her muffin. Quickly, I grab a glass from our cupboard and fill it up with water from the sink and hand it over to her. She grabs it and takes small sips, trying to catch her breath.
"WHAT?!?!" Char screams, as I jump, and Nina spits out her water from the unexpected shouting coming from our friend.
"Jesus, Charlotte! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" she questions angrily. Char ignores her, focusing solely on me.
"You and Asher almost kissed? Excuse me, but why am I just now hearing about this? When you came home last night, you didn't really tell us all that much. Just that you and Liam agreed it was better to be friends. You didn't think any of the rest of it was important enough to share?!? You tell us about the lame kiss you have with Liam but leave out the fact that he was using you to get a rise out of Asher and this girl Annabeth and fail to mention almost kissing Asher? Makayla, we always tell each other everything!" I've seen Char upset more than a handful of times but judging from the look on her face and her hands placed firmly on her hips, it was safe to say she was pissed.
"I'm sorry, okay? I was still trying to wrap my brain around it. I really didn't know what to say." I reply, hoping to just drop the subject entirely. I've spent all night thinking about Asher and then trying to get my mind off him. The last thing I want to be doing at 10 o'clock in the morning is talking about last night in further detail.
"How about starting with "Asher and I almost kissed tonight." See? Not that difficult." Char says back, her words laced with sarcasm. Nina laughs, but when she sees my glare, tries to cover it with a cough.
"Char, c'mon!" I say, getting a little annoyed.
"No, you c'mon! Nina and I are your best friends; you're supposed to confide in us with stuff like this. You're always there for me. Can you just let me be there for you please? Why won't you just tell me how you feel?" she argues right back.
"I don't know how I feel!" I shout angrily. Char and Nina both look at me, shocked by my outburst. "Just because you're an open book, doesn't mean I have to be. This isn't easy for me, okay? I don't want to like him! Asher is the type of guy who could break my heart if I let him, and my emotions are all over the place. I can't tell if he is genuinely interested in me or just screwing with me. I appreciate you wanting to be there for me, but no Char. I wasn't going to tell you about this until I knew how I felt because I knew you would ask a billion questions that I don't have the answers to!" I rant, letting out all my frustrations. Char blinks back at me, while Nina lets out a smirk.
"Well, I'll be. It was only a matter of time before you blew up. I'm glad; it's not healthy to keep all those emotions bottled up." Nina says. I roll my eyes, as she chuckles to herself.
"Look, I'm sorry Kay. You're right; just because I tell you everything doesn't mean you have to. Not if you aren't ready. I just wish I knew you were confused about all of this. I mean, yeah Nina and I have been Team Asher, but we were just joking around. If I had thought you might have feelings for the guy, I would have laid off a bit, and let you figure it out. But we're your best friends. If I can come to you crying about boy problems, I want you to feel comfortable to do the same." Char reasons. I nod, as she reaches out to hug me.
"Aww group hug!" Nina cheers, latching onto us both. I laugh wholeheartedly.
"I'm sorry too, Char. I didn't mean to explode on you. I just don't know what to do. I have mixed feelings about Asher, and it terrifies me that I don't know what they mean. I barely know the guy." I respond to her apology. Char and I rarely argue. When we do, it gets ugly for about 10 minutes, and then we are hugging and apologizing.
"So, you admit it then? You might like Asher?" Char teases, with the biggest smile plastered on her face.
"It's possible." I nod in defeat at the idea.
"Well, first, I want to say that I told you so! I knew you would end up liking him. Sorry, correction 'might like'." Nina mentions. Char giggles at her comment and I just scoff. "Look, you don't need to go and profess your undying love for the boy. Just take it slow. Get to know him and see where it goes. Has he texted you since last night?"
"Umm, yeah. A couple of times. I just didn't know how to respond. Besides, I doubt he feels the same way. He is only texting because we have to work together for the rest of the semester, and he is seriously back-pedaling. Last night at the restaurant, he says I should be on that date with him, and now he is texting me claiming temporary insanity." I reply to Nina, sighing.
"Let me see the messages." Nina replies, holding out her hand. I frown, but hand it to her. She reads the texts and then hands the phone over to Char. "Okay, from what I just read, the poor boy is going through it. I don't think you're alone in your confusing emotional crisis," she remarks. Char nods in agreement and hands me back my phone.
We are interrupted when my phone starts ringing. Looking down at the screen, I see it's my dad calling. I was about to send it to voicemail when I realize I haven't talked to him in the last week. The best daughter award definitely doesn't go to me. I hit accept and put the phone up to my ear.
(Makayla in italics, Dad in bold)
"Hey dad, what's up?"
"Makayla, hey. I didn't know if you were going to pick up. I haven't heard from you in a while."
"Right, Sorry, dad. I've been a little busy, but that's no excuse."
"It's okay, honey. I know the beginning of the semester can be hard getting back into a routine. Anyway, the reason I was calling is because we wanted to know if you would come over for dinner tonight? Melanie and I have missed you."
I try to hold back my groan but can't help in rolling my eyes. Melanie is my dad's girlfriend. They met a little over a year ago at a Pilates class. She owns the gym my dad goes to, and the instructor for the class was out sick that day. Don't really know why my dad was taking a Pilates class. Something about trying something new. Anyways, they met and instantly fell in love. Their words. Not mine. It's not that I have a problem with her or anything. She's always really nice to me, and I know she makes my dad happy. I just get the motherly vibe from her, and she comes on too strong. I don't need a replacement mom.
I can tell Dad notices my hesitation, so he speaks up again.
"Please, Makayla. It would mean a lot to me."
Not wanting to upset my dad and knowing I could use the distraction from my own personal life for the day, I agree. He gets all excited after that.
"Great! We'll see you then at 8! Mel? She said yes! Get the steaks out of the freezer! Wait, have you seen my grilling apron anywhere?"
I hang up the phone. I didn't really want my dad to ask me questions about that apron. His apron was a joke that my mom gave him for Christmas when I was a kid. It's a plain white apron, with the words D.I.L.F written across the chest. When I was younger, I didn't really understand why my parents thought it was so funny. Now, I want to crawl in a hole and die whenever I see him wearing it. Before I left for school a few weeks ago, I hid it in the hallway linen closet. It will be the last place he checks.
Flopping down on the couch, I look over at Char and Nina who are staring at me, wondering what just happened.
"So, family dinner...can't wait." I say, sarcastically.