Todd woke to the light coming in the window. They had forgotten to close the curtains in their eagerness to fall into bed last night. Todd couldn't stop the smile curling onto his lips, nuzzling his face into his pillow before tilting his head to peer at the man beside him. Levon was still sleeping, naked body barely covered by the blankets, hair destroyed and a small amount of drool escaping the corner of his parted lips. Todd snickered at the ridiculous display and debated on whether or not he would be able to fall back asleep.
They had been up exceptionally late with the New Year's Eve party Betto had hosted. Betto had arranged his parents' firepit for the occasion and Todd, Levon, Ophelia, Cash, Parker, Aisha and her professor-boyfriend had all stayed way past midnight boosting their hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps. Though Todd had been unhappy with the cold and the uncomfortable camping chairs he couldn't even pretend he had a bad time. It was a long evening full of laughter and old stories. And Levon, the annoying bastard, had kept close to Todd's side the whole night with affectionate touching and playful banter. The kind of annoying that mad Todd feel like he was floating.
Levon's attention had, of course, led to more than one chaste kisses which, of course, had gotten less and less chaste as the evening wore on. A large part of the reason they had chosen to spend the night at Todd's empty house rather than head back to Levon's.
Todd got out of bed not long after, deciding it was too bright to fall asleep. He got up, leaving Levon's sleeping form behind so he could take a hot shower that burned away the ripe smell of stale sex and the inklings of a hangover. Todd tried not to stare at the hickeys Levon had left on his body; purple patches on his collarbone, neck, and hips. The man was insatiable and insane.
Todd returned to his bedroom feeling much more human. Clean, medicated, and wanting breakfast. He pulled on a pair of sweatpants then went and gave Levon's unconscious body a rough shake.
"Time to get up, Lev," Todd said. He glanced at his alarm clock. "It's almost noon."
"Fuck off," Levon grunted and blindly swatted at Todd. "I don't have to get up."
"Get up and I'll make you breakfast," Todd bargained and Levon cracked an eye open to squint at him.
"What are you going to make?" Levon's voice was thick with sleep and Todd found it oddly attractive.
"I'll make those egg sandwiches you like," Todd said and Levon sighed. "You should shower. You smell awful."
"You're a piece of shit," Levon grunted, rolled onto his stomach and shoved his face into the pillow. Todd went and grabbed a clean towel for Levon to use and deposited it in the washroom. Then he went back to the room and forcefully dragged his boyfriend out of bed. Levon protested weakly, but Todd just forced him into the warm bathroom.
"There's a spare toothbrush under the sink," Todd said as he left the room and Levon grumbled.
After declining to shower with Levon, Todd went down to the kitchen and started looking around to make sure he had the necessities to make the promised meal. He set his phone on the counter and played some low, cheery tunes while he scavenged the cupboards. Bagels in the freezer, a couple eggs that he wasn't sure were good anymore, cheese, salt, and pepper. Todd knew Levon liked tomatoes and other vegetables in his sandwich but Levon would have to settle. There was no way Todd was going to the store for produce.
Todd pulled out a bowl and cracked an egg into it, examining it closely to see if it was good or bad. He jolted in surprise when the front door swung open, quickly putting down the bowl of egg and moving to the entryway to see who had entered. His mother stared at him with just as much shock on her face.
"Todd?" Johanna blinked. She looked like shit. Hair in a messy braid, makeup smudged on her pale cheeks, clothing rumpled, a small suitcase at her feet and a bag on her shoulders. Todd figured she was just back from the airport.
"Where's Niklas?" Todd asked, eyes lifting to look over her shoulder. She let the door close behind her. She was staring at him, taking in his half-clothed appearance before looking to his face.
"He's still in Germany. I took an early flight home," Johanna explained in a shaky voice and Todd nodded, face impassive.
"I told you to let me know when you came home," Todd stated after an awkward pause, eyes narrowing slightly.
"I didn't expect you to be home," she said, head tilting to the side. "I thought you would be at the Kipling's."
"Well, I'm not," Todd bit out. "But I'll be heading there now."
"You don't have to leave," Johanna said immediately, and Todd scowled at her.
"I don't want to be around you, Johanna," Todd told her and her lips pressed into a thin line. "I was very clear about that."
"Please," Johanna's brows went up and her tired eyes begged him. Todd's shoulders tensed. "Just talk to me. We can't keep running from each other like this."
"I think we've both said a lot more than we ever need to," Todd spoke flatly. They were silent, staring each other down. A door slammed upstairs and Todd watched her eyes flip to the ceiling.
"We'll be leaving in a few minutes," Todd told her.
"Is this your girlfriend?" She asked, brows creasing slightly, discomfort clear. Her eyes flicked to Todd's exposed torso and no doubt the obnoxious hickeys Levon had left. Todd cheeks heated but his expression didn't change.
"No." Todd deadpanned.
"Toddy, you better be done cooking," Levon's loud voice trailed down before he was even stomping down the stairs. "I am starving." The words died on his lips as he was nearly down the stairs, eyes going wide at the sight of Todd's mother.
"Hello, Levon," Johanna tried a smile but the frown on her face was too deep to allow the curve of her lips to hold any warmth. She looked away from his boxer-clad body.
"My boyfriend," Todd told her, arms crossing over his chest as Levon came and stood next to him, their bare arms brushing slightly. Levon was silent, unsure what to make of the situation. The look of horror that spread of Todd's mother's face was enough to have Levon ready to step in if Todd needed him.
"Your boyfriend?" Johanna repeated, voice going high. "But you're-"
"I'm gay, mother," Todd ground out.
"No." Was all she said, voice trailing and Levon's eyes narrowed. Todd glared at her and her paling face.
"What?" Todd asked, voice like ice. "You only like gays when they're not related to you? What happened to everyone can be themselves? Only applies to others?"
"Todd," Johanna's voice broke slightly, and Todd caught the look, recognized why the horror struck such a deep nerve in his core. He went stiff, the glare on his face deadly.
"Don't look so sick, mother," Todd hissed, snatching Levon's hand. "I like men, not little boys."
Johanna's face crumbled at his words, but he turned then, storming up the stairs with a fury he'd never felt before. He was shaking, and Levon was stumbling to try and keep up. When they entered his room, Todd started packing up their things, almost without seeing what he was doing. Levon seemed to understand that this was not the time to be speaking, just quickly trying to help and pull on his clothing. Todd was suddenly trapped in her previous words. You look just like your father. It made him want to puke. Want to shout. He hated her.
They were on their way back down the stairs not three minutes later, leaving the mess they made behind. Levon walked close to Todd, Todd couldn't manage the smile he tried to give.
Johanna was by the door when they came back down, she had hardly moved. Todd glared at her hoping to get across that he was in no mood to be here with her anymore. He felt Levon touching his arm, a comfort he accepted without looking over as he went for the door.
"Todd," Johanna's voice was thick. "Wait a minute."
"I'm done waiting for you," Todd snapped. He shoved past her and she slumped against the wall as if she suddenly didn't have the energy to stand on her own. Todd went to Levon's car and climbed in the passenger seat the moment the door was unlocked. Levon climbed in seconds after, starting the car with urgency.
"Todd," Levon spoked once the house was out of sight behind them, cautious concern on his features and Todd glowered out the window.
"Can we just leave it for now?" Todd grumbled and Levon went silent again. Todd could feel the other man watching him, he reached out and flipped on the radio, even though the music didn't suit his mood. It halted conversation.
They arrived at Levon's house and Todd didn't waste a second getting out and heading to Levon's room. Todd could hear Gwen and Bree coming out to greet them, but he moved faster, unwilling to be around anyone when he felt so unstable.
"Is he okay?" Bree asked and Todd sighed as Levon started giving them a quick rundown of what had happened, excluding many of the details.
Levon came carefully into the room, stopping in the doorway to watch Todd aggressively clean the room up. Todd needed to be doing something. Todd cast him a dark look when Levon didn't do anything but stand there. Levon closed the door softly behind him and approached Todd cautiously.
"Can you stop acting like I'm broken?" Todd snarled, throwing the pair of jeans he held at Levon. Levon let the clothing hit him, not even looking as they fell to the floor.
"You're not okay." Was all Levon said and Todd snorted derisively.
"I'm fine, Levon," Todd said looking away and throwing more loose clothing into the laundry hamper. "That bitch can't hurt me. She's nothing. A fucking worthless human who can't do a damn thing right."
"Do you want to get some breakfast?" Levon asked after a few moments, letting Todd's words settle into the air. Todd swallowed hard, eyes itching.
"I don't think I'm hungry," Todd spoke now with much less venom in his tone. Levon came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Todd from behind and Todd felt some of the tension in his spine relax.
"I'm going to bring you something and we can play some very violent video games for a little while," Levon said and Todd relented with a half-hearted nod. Levon left the room and Todd dropped onto the couch feeling both drained and restless. His chest felt tight and the anger seemed to bubble just below his heated skin.
Levon came back twenty minutes later with two plates of food and took a seat next to Todd, the man already immersed in video games. Todd paused when the plate was set on his lap, glancing over at Levon as Levon got comfortable next to him.
"Thanks," Todd muttered. Levon gave him an encouraging smile.
"Anytime."
"I'm sorry about this morning," Todd looked back to the game, fingers moving on the controls. "What a great start to the new year, right?"
"I hardly think I got the worse of that encounter," Levon murmured and Todd just grunted noncommittally. "But I'd deal with much worse for you."
"Can you fuck off with that mush?" Todd grumbled, giving Levon a glare, but his lips twitched, almost a smile. He was glad Levon was there.
Todd's anger returned tenfold not an hour later when he realized he'd forgotten his phone on the kitchen counter of his mother's house. He stalked around Levon's room ranting and cursing, wondering if he should just go out and buy himself a new one, abandon his phone to the Kraken's nest. But he didn't really have the money to be going out and buying a new phone for shits and giggles.
After a short amount of discussion with Levon, Todd decided he would retrieve his phone the next day. Levon was quite sure that things would get very ugly if Todd went back to get his phone while he was still so emotional. Todd didn't have the energy to argue with him.
The next day Todd was climbing back in the passenger seat of Levon's car and they were driving to Todd's house. The tension was high. The radio was off. Both of them were silent, and Todd was just as angry as the previous day. But it wasn't as physical, just a deep resentment rather than a quaking body.
"You can stay in the car," Todd said, as Levon eased the car into the driveway.
"I can come in with you," Levon stated. They were quiet as Levon cut the engine. Todd looked the man up and down, the determination in the blond man's face.
"Stay in the car," Todd ordered and Levon bit down the obvious protest, seeing the decision on Todd's face. "I'll be in and out. And I'd rather not share my family drama."
"I'm here because I want to be a part of it," Levon told him. Todd felt a rush of affection for the man and reached out, trailing his fingers quickly through Levon's hair.
"Thank you," Todd said. Levon blinked at him, taken aback by the soft touch.
Todd climbed out of the car with purpose. Body tense and fists clenched as he walked briskly to the front door. It was unlocked and he entered without bothering to knock. Todd glanced around, brows pulling together. His mother's belongings were spread messily around the porch, as if she had just unpacked on the floor rather than moving any of her things upstairs.
Todd stepped over her suitcase and went to the kitchen. He phone was not on the counter. He scowled at the fact that she had touched his things.
"Todd?" Johanna's voice was soft and hesitant from the living room. He gripped the counter, taking a long breath to stop himself from drop kicking the woman who birthed him before he followed the sound of her voice, moved into the living room.
She looked worse than yesterday. Greasy hair pulled into a monstrous bun, pajamas flecked with wine stains, the empty bottle on the floor beside her. There were blankets across the floor, deep bruises under her eyes, and tear streaks in the residue of makeup on her face. Photo albums open around the room, one on her lap.
"You're home?" She blinked at him in surprise and a few tears fell from her eyelashes. She hastily brought her sleeve up to wipe the moisture away.
"I left my phone here," He said coldly, glaring at the woman. "It was on the counter."
"It's right there." She pointed to the device on the coffee table, obscured from his sight by a tissue box. He moved quickly, ignoring the broken look on her face and snatching up the phone.
"Don't touch my shit," He snapped at her. She looked down, eyes on the photos.
"I'm sorry," She whispered. "I just moved it so I could hear your music better."
"Whatever," Todd grumbled. He wasn't sure why she was being so pathetic. The fire in her that made her fight him at every step seemed to have diminished and left a quaky shell in its wake.
"You were a beautiful baby," She told him and he glowered.
"I'm not here to play happy memories, Johanna."
"But I am," She looked up sharply, eyes watering again. "I want to play happy memories and pretend that I didn't ruin my life."
Todd didn't have anything to say to that. Johanna took a long breath, her entire body seeming to inflate then deflate.
"Your father was amazing when I met him," She told him, face pale, and he went stiff. He wanted to leave, but stayed, glaring at her slumped form. "He always had the right things to say. Always had the best plans and knew what he was doing. He made life look easy and I was so fucking in love with him."
"He's a fucking monster," Todd hissed, and she nodded. "How could you have married him?"
"I didn't see it," she whispered. "He seemed perfect. We never fought. He was always ready to compromise. Always wanted to help people."
"He wasn't helping anyone," Todd growled. "He was a pedophile working at a youth center."
"But I didn't know that," Johanna gave him an exhausted look. "I didn't know. Now that I do it makes me feel so sick. I married a pedophile. I had a child with a pedophile. I was in love with a man who did things that I believe people should be put to death for.
"I didn't believe you when you told me," She said and Todd waited, waited for a meaningless apology like the one he'd received from her after the arrest. "I'm sorry."
"That doesn't change a fucking thing."
"But I want you to hear me."
"You want me to listen to all your excuses," Todd said. "You want me to listen and understand and that way you'll feel better about yourself. But I don't want to. I don't want your story. I just want you out of my life."
"I looked through his computer, after you told me," Johanna said, ignoring him. "I didn't see anything. But you had me thinking it and as much as I wanted to I couldn't go back to thinking he was perfect. I wanted him to stay perfect, but it was gone the moment you told me.
"I confronted him, the night you ran to your Uncle Ted," She said and Todd blinked in surprise. This was something he hadn't known. She looked his surprised face over. "I told him what you told me and demanded answers. He was furious. He shouted so much, ran into your room and planned to teach you a lesson about telling lies. I tried to stop him and he threw me against the wall so hard I couldn't see straight. You weren't in your room. I have never been so happy." Her eyes went distant. "I thought he was running up there to kill you and I was so glad you weren't in that room. And then the police showed up."
"You never mentioned this?" Todd spoked, tone hard. That night they arrested his father, Todd had stayed with his uncle. He had ended up staying with his uncle for a week while they investigated before he was allowed to stay with his mother. He had been so mad that he wouldn't have minded if he never saw her again.
"You never wanted to listen," a wry smile touched her lips. She met his eyes and he stared back blankly.
"Because you didn't believe me," Todd stated. "You scolded me for saying such awful things and locked me in my room. You told me you would tell dad what I said. He threatened to kill me and I thought you were going to let him do it. I was so scared. Of him and of you."
"Oh, Todd," Johanna's voice broke, face crumbling. "I would never have let him touch you."
"I didn't know that," Todd repeated her previous words suddenly feeling much younger. "You didn't believe me."
"I am so sorry," She whispered. "I sorry let you think that and I didn't protect you and I didn't take the time to listen to you. I was scared and stupid and I hate myself every single day for what I broke between us."
"I don't know what you want me to say to all this," Todd finally said, after a pause under her expectant stare.
"I-," she cut herself off and swallowed hard. "I want to try again. I want us to try again. I hate fighting with you. I hate being hated by you."
"It's been over ten years," Todd said, a tightness in his chest. "And you just want to try again."
"I miss my son," she murmured and his eyes narrowed. "I miss when you would call me 'mom'. When I could laugh with you and we could watch movies. When I told you that I loved you and you would give me those long bear hugs. I miss you so much and it's been killing me for years."
"I think you're asking too much," Todd said hoarsely. She blinked fast to get the water out of her eyes.
"Every time I think about you, all I can see is your face when I told you to go back to your room, your heartbroken little face. The biggest mistake of my life that still haunts me," Johanna said. "I have nightmares about him running into your room and you're still in there where I told you to stay." She looked the wine bottle with guilt on her face, then back at Todd. "I told you that you looked like your father. You make the same face he did when you're mad, and you shake like that."
"Don't say that shit to me," Todd snarled, and she looked down again.
"But you are nothing like that man," She pressed. "You are nothing like him and I will never see you as him. You are kind, smart and no where near as charming. I don't care if you're gay Todd. I don't want you to think I was scared of that. I don't want you to think I thought you were like him. That's not what I thought. You're nothing like your father."
"What did you think?"
"I realized that I knew nothing about the man you've become," she touched the baby picture on her lap. "I realized that my baby boy had grown up and I wasn't his mom anymore. And that was the saddest thing I've ever realized. I don't want to lose you. Even if you hate me, I love you with all my heart."
Todd had to blink hard to stop the burning at his eyes. He felt light headed and stared at the woman he's tried so hard to push out of his life for so long. It felt like he was breaking from the inside out.
"I don't hate you," he rasped, and her head snapped up to face him, hope in her teary eyes. He cleared his throat. "I'm disappointed in you and angry with you and sometimes I really wish I never had to see you again. But I don't hate you. You're just not who I want you to be."
When Todd went back outside, Levon was standing outside the car, leaning on the driver side door. He was staring at Todd the moment Todd stepped out, concern on every inch of his face. Todd stared at him, the beautiful man bundled up in vibrant snow-wear.
"What happened? I was about to come in and check on-"
Todd cut Levon off, pulling him into a fierce hug. His body shook, he wasn't sure with what emotions. He wanted to puke, cry, scream. He held Levon as tight as he could and Levon squeezed him back with just as much energy. They hugged for a long minute before pulling away. Levon was searching his face, searching for answers with worry in his eyes. He traced a chilled hand over Todd's warm cheek.
"What happened?" Levon asked again.
"She's a fucking bitch," Todd croaked. "But she's my mom and I don't hate her."
"Lets go home," Levon decided, after examining Todd's watery eyes.
"I don't hate you either, Lev," Todd spoke breathlessly, wide desperate eyes meeting Levon's. "I've never hated you for a second."
"I love you, too," Levon smiled softly, kissing him tenderly. It would all be okay. Todd was sure of that.
***
So, this is here. Took longer to post because my laptop decided to break and then I had to try and rememeber my Wattpad log in info to get on my brother's computer. The epilogue will be out eventually here. I had it written but I have to try and rewrite it since it was on my beloved laptop. >:(
Oh well. Thanks for reading! <3
xoxo