Heavy content warning; mention of rape, child abuse, and suicide. Just thought I should let you know. I will not be detailing any upsetting scenes, just some talk. Thanks.
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"Lev," Todd's voice came and Levon looked up, jolting in surprise, as Todd entered his room. Levon quickly paused the show he was watching on his laptop, putting the device on his night table.
"Todd? Are you alright?" Levon frowned in concern. Todd didn't say anything, just stared at Levon looking so broken. Levon stood and Todd closed the door behind himself, dropping his bag to the floor.
Todd looked awful. He wore cargo shorts and a t-shirt. There were sweat stains, but he also was covered in goosebumps, shivering ever slightly. His hair was a mess, his eyes were red rimmed and wild. He was pale, his Adam's apple jumping in his throat.
"What happened?" Levon's voice had lowered, as soothing as he could while he slowly approached the man of his affections as though Todd were a wounded animal.
"Can I see your phone? Mine died." Todd spoke, voice hoarse. Levon quickly grabbed his phone and passed it to Todd. Todd took it and worked for a few seconds on the small screen. Then he held the device next to his face, screen facing Levon. "Do I look like this man?"
Levon squinted at the phone. The man in the picture was handsome. Strong, straight features. Styled, black hair and dark eyes, and deeply tanned and fit. He smiled in the picture like he was posing, straight white teeth. Levon recognized him immediately, having searched for more information on Todd's father when they were kids.
"There are some similarities," Levon spoke cautiously. Todd was clearly related to this man. But Todd was softer, his presence quieter than the man in the picture. Gentle, blue eyes. A scattering of freckles over his nose. Hair messy and soft smiles genuine and tinted with warmth. "But I wouldn't mistake you for each other."
"I look just fucking like him," Todd argued harshly. He tore his own phone from his pocket and chucked it on the bed. "I stared at his fucking face the whole walk here and we look like carbon fucking copies."
"You walked here?" Levon's eyes widened and Todd ignored him, glaring with so much hate at the image on the phone screen. "Todd, what the fuck? I would have come and get you? How long have you been walking?"
"Like three hours," Todd mumbled disinterestedly. "I needed out of the fucking house." He looked at Levon, a desperation in his eyes that made Levon's heart clench. "She told me I looked just like him and I don't know how I didn't fucking see it. I can't believe this."
"Your mom said you look like your father?" Levon asked wishing, not for the first time, that he could punch Todd's mother.
"She's right, Lev," Todd snapped, shoving the phone to Levon, his father's face taking up the whole screen. "We look the same."
"No, you don't," Levon argued. Todd glowered at him and Levon gently took one of Todd's hands in his own, trying to convey his honesty through his eyes. "You don't look the same. You barely look alike enough for people to think you're related."
"You're not seeing it then," Todd muttered. Levon made some coaxing noises and tugged Todd from the room, down the hall into the bathroom. He flicked on the light and placed Todd in front of the mirror. Todd dropped his eyes, refusing to look at the glass and Levon wrapped an arm around Todd's shoulders.
"Look at your face," Levon murmured and Todd grudgingly looked to the mirror, meeting Levon's stare in the reflection. "You don't look like Andrew Jameson. You don't look the same as him. You are not him. You are Todd and you look like you."
"This is dumb, Levon," Todd breathed shakily.
"No one can say you look nothing like your father. He's half your DNA. So is your mother. You have his hair colour and his jaw. Maybe his build, but I can't see much of that in the portrait shot, though I'm sure yours is way better. You might have had his nose at one point before you went and fucked it up." Todd laughed then, a small one and touched his crooked nose. "You have your mother's eyes, but so much bluer. You have the most amazing eyes, Toddy. And you have her hair type, soft and fluffy. You're pale and kinda freckled like your mom. And you have your mom's lips, but they look way better on you." Levon picked up the phone and held the picture up next to Todd's face. "You have a little bit of both your parents. That's how it works. But you don't look like a copy of this man. You have kind eyes, a real smile, and everything about you is warm."
"I kind of see what you're saying," Todd trailed off, eyes snapping from his face to his father's.
"You may not see it right yet," Levon said carefully. "You're really emotional and a bit out of it. But I can't see what your mother sees, and I've been staring at your face for way longer than she has."
"I hate her," Todd whispered. "I hate her and I hate him. I hate him so fucking much it makes me want to cry sometimes."
"He's a terrible human being," Levon agreed. "It's okay to hate him."
"You want to know what's worse than that?" Todd looked at him then, shame all over his exhausted face. "I think about him from when I was little, before everything went to shit and I miss him sometimes. I miss the man that threatened to kill me and raped a dozen kids. How fucking sick is that?"
And then Todd was crying. Broken sobs that he tried to muffle and fat tears spilled out of his eyes as if they had been waiting far too long to be released. Maybe they had been. Levon wrapped his arms around Todd, squeezing Todd tightly to his chest. Todd pressed his face into Levon's shoulder, entire body shaking, fingers gripping the back of Levon's t-shirt.
Levon couldn't be sure how long they stood in their embrace, Levon trying to comfort Todd in the only way he could think off. When Todd stilled, started mumbling apologies into the crook of Levon's neck, Levon decided it was enough hugging. He made Todd shower and twenty minutes later Todd looked a little better. Clean sweat pants and a white t-shirt, the smell from his walk gone and the redness of his eyes soothed a tad.
They got settled in Levon's bed, laying side by side. Levon watched the way Todd breathed; so deeply as if he was trying to exhale all the demons in his heart. Eyes closed, lashes long against his cheeks. So fucking beautiful.
"Did I tell you about Kyle?" Todd asked, voice so quiet Levon almost missed it. Levon rolled onto his side so he could see Todd's face. Todd's eyes opened and looked up at him with more vulnerability than Levon had ever seen.
"No," Levon answered just as quietly. "You've never mentioned a Kyle."
"I did, but I never said his name until now," Todd let out a deep sigh. "I haven't said his name in years."
Levon said nothing. He wasn't sure what Todd was thinking, he wasn't sure what to do to make Todd feel better. He simply waited, unsure if he should even touch Todd, afraid to upset Todd further.
"Kyle was one of my friend's- Cathy's- younger brother. I was ten, so he was probably eight. He was one of the boys on the hockey team my dad coached," Todd swallowed and Levon realized where the story was going with a drop of dread in his gut. "He was a sweet kid, but a shit skater. My dad offered to have him practice skating more. Dad did that sometimes. Gave the kids that struggled private lessons. Kyle never got better at skating, ended up spending a lot of time with my dad. A lot of boys had before so no one thought it was weird. My dad was a great guy. Always helping boys learn to skate. Volunteering so much of his precious time to the little leagues." There was no small amount of venom in the tired voice and Levon winced internally.
"Kyle was the one I caught my dad with. I don't know how many other boys he destroyed, he never gave a clear number, but Kyle was the one I saw," Todd whispered, his eyes pinching shut then. Levon remembered Todd's words from when he heard the vague details of the story, my daddy never touched me. Touching his own kid would be too twisted, even for him. "I walked into dad's office. Dad said he liked to show Kyle videos of real skaters and hockey players that's why they were in his office. I wasn't supposed to be home, but I got sick and couldn't stay for the afterschool program. I was supposed to sleep, but I couldn't so I went to the office to see my dad," Todd's eyes remained closed, chest rising faster, breath coming out quicker. "He had locked me in my room, but I learned how to break out of that a while ago. I broke out. I walked right into the office. And my dad was raping a fucking eight-year-old kid.
"Dad was so mad at me. He shoved me in the cupboard behind his desk and locked me in there while he drove Kyle home. I didn't even try to get out. He was so mad and I was so scared. When he came back he wasn't as crazy. He took me out and told me all this shit about how I didn't understand what I saw and that I couldn't mention it to anyone or our entire family would be in huge trouble. I didn't want to be the one to ruin our family, did I?" Todd snorted without humour. Levon could hardly breath as Todd talked. "I waited two days. Stayed home from school with my mom the first; I was puking so bad. Mom didn't understand why I was so sick so suddenly. No one else was sick in the area like I was. I think it was fear that made it bad. When I got back to school I saw Kyle. He fucking cried when he saw me. He thought I was going to get him in trouble. My dad had drilled it into his head that if anyone found out they would hate him. Everyone would hate him. He was a fucking eight year old." Todd's voice cracked. He was silent and Levon gently pressed a palm to Todd's chest, feeling the rapid heart beat and wondering if he was over stepping. Todd placed his hand over Levon's, eyes pinched shut.
"I told my mom what happened," Todd said lowly. "You know she didn't believe me. She was making supper, dad was out late, I told her everything. She got mad. Really mad and made me go to my room without supper. I cried in my room, I didn't understand everything and I was scared and mad." Todd peered up at Levon, eyes watery. "Dad came home and I think mom must have asked him about what I said. He came to my room and he beat the shit out of me. God it fucking hurt, I thought he was going to kill me right there on my bedroom floor. Then he threatened to kill me. Said I was about to ruin the family and that he wasn't going to let that happen. I had one more chance to keep my mouth shut or he would burry me in the backyard.
"It took me almost a week to get to my Uncle Ted," Todd said. "Dad kept me on a tight leash, afraid I'd tell on him. Mom was spacey after I tried to tell her. She grounded me. I was going to do what my dad told me, but then I heard dad telling Kyle's dad that Kyle could come over after school for some more 'practise' and maybe to hang out with me because I'd been antisocial lately," Todd laughs humourlessly.
"That night, after they put me to bed I snuck out. All I had was a flashlight and I walked four hours to my Uncle Ted's house," Todd sighed. "He always hated my dad, thought my mom should have married someone else. He believed me right away and called the police. There was a huge investigation and dad was sent to prison.
"But do you know how much damage a pedophile can do when he had free rein over dozens of boys each year?" Todd blinked. "Some guys came forward when they were looking for dad's victims, but a lot kept quiet. Kyle was one they knew about. Everyone knew about Kyle.
"Kids are so fucking cruel," Todd whispered. "They bullied me for having a pedo dad. They told me my dad touched me when he didn't. I got into a lot of fights. I lost most of my friends and kids weren't allowed to hang out with me outside of school anymore. Kyle got it worse since they knew for sure what had happened. Kyle didn't handle it well. He cried a lot and things only got worse. He was so small, and it's like he couldn't grow. He was so jumpy, you couldn't go near him without him nearly pissing himself. He killed himself when he was thirteen," Todd said it fast and Levon almost missed it, blinked in shock. "I only know because I was mentioned in his suicide note. Cathy and I weren't friends anymore, after what happened, but she told me about his death and that he had thanked me in his letter. For making it stop, I guess. Even though I came way too late."
"Fucking hell, Todd," Levon breathed and Todd blinked tearfully at him before looking away sharply.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have unloaded all that on you," Todd murmured. "I just needed to get it all out. I felt like it was choking me and you're the only one I want to talk to about any of this."
"I'm always here for you," Levon said firmly, grasping Todd's hand in his. "I'm here to support you any way I can."
"That's all starting to sound pretty gay," Todd teased weakly and Levon brought Todd's hand to his lips, kissing it softly.
"I am very gay for you." Todd laughed slightly, then gazed at the ceiling dazedly.
"I dream about Kyle a lot. Usually, they're nightmares," Todd confessed. "I wish things had been different for him. I wish I could have saved him."
"You were a kid," Levon said firmly. "You did everything you could."
"I wasn't enough," Todd agreed sadly. They were silent for a while, Levon trying to absorb all that he heard and Todd lost in his thoughts. Levon almost thought Todd had fallen asleep when he spoke again.
"I wish I understood why my mother didn't believe me," Todd breathed. "I wouldn't hate her so much if it made more sense. I was her kid."
"Some people make bad choices when they're scared," Levon mused. "I can't justify her actions, but she was probably just scared and shocked and didn't want to believe you."
"I didn't want to believe me either," Todd grunted. "Didn't make it any less real. She really got punished by the town though. It was really bad, I'd forgive her if she wasn't such a massive cunt."
"People gave her shit, too?" Levon asked and Todd nodded.
"The kids gave me trouble, but the adults didn't, and I could beat up the kids that tried to start things with me," Todd sighed. "People were mad at my mom. They harassed her at her clubs until she stopped going. Harassed her at work. Vandalized her car and our house. She got beat up on her way home from work one day so she quit her job and we moved in with my Uncle Ted for a bit. Then we moved up here, where no one knew us."
"You don't have to forgive her because she's suffered, too," Levon said. "You're allowed to hate her."
"I don't think I'll ever forgive her," Todd whispered.
"And that's okay," Levon whispered back. Todd stared at him then peeked at the alarm clock on Levon's night table.
"Wanna go to sleep now?" Todd asked quietly. "I'm kind of exhausted."
"Next time you better fucking call me," Levon said, staring hard at Todd. "I'm happy to pick you up when you're in trouble."
"I'll remember that," Todd grumbled. He rolled onto this back and Levon got up to shut off the lights, stripping down to his boxers on his way back to the bed. Todd had removed his shirt but left the sweatpants on. Levon climbed in beside him and fitting the blankets over both of them while Todd laid on his stomach.
"Thank you for trusting me," Levon said lowly and Todd turned his face to Levon, pale eyes gleaming in the dark.
"You've always been the person I trust the most," Todd responded. "Even when we were kids and you were obsessed with being my friend."
"I don't want to be your friend anymore," Levon offered and Todd's lips twitched.
"Got your eyes on a new title now, have you?" Todd asked and Levon smirked slightly but didn't respond. He placed a hand on Todd's back, smooth skin beneath his fingers making him smile. Todd didn't protest as Levon began drawing little patterns over his back.
"You're beautiful," Levon breathed and Todd rolled his eyes.
"You need to stop with the girly compliments," Todd complained lightly. "Call me sexy, or strong, or butch."
"You are sexy," Levon grinned, bringing his face close and pecking a kiss to Todd's lips. Blue eyes widened in surprise, but Todd didn't disapprove the affection. "You are so fucking strong." Another kiss, pushing his luck. "You are butch, you are handsome, but most of all, you are beautiful. The most beautiful person I know." A longer kiss, gentle and sweet.
"Thanks," Todd said it with sarcasm but he was sincere with his breathless tone. Levon grinned.
"No problem, princess."
"I hate you," Todd grimaced immediately and Levon laughed, a relived and loud laugh.
"Oh Toddy, you're not fooling anyone," Levon told him and Todd glared before he turned his head away, clearly unwilling to move his body while Levon was touching him. Levon smiled internally, feeling bubbly and light.
"Hey, Levon," Todd said, not turning back.
"Yes, Todd?"
"You're kind of beautiful, too," Todd said it quietly.
"Thank you, Toddy," Levon smiled softly and pressed a kiss to Todd's bare shoulder. Goosebumps rose along Todd's arm.
"Tell anyone I said that and I'll kick your ass," Todd promised.
"I know, Todd," Levon chuckled. "My lips are sealed."
Todd fell asleep long before Levon did. Tracing gentle shaped onto Todd's back until Todd started his soft snoring. Levon settled back down and found his mind was impossible to calm with so many emotions coursing through him at one time. He was sure that he had never felt so much love for a single person at once, and his chest ached with longing.
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