...Hurting...
"Abnormal! Connie, fire the signal!"
"Yes, ma'am!" Red smoke fired into the air.
"Dumbass, it's the black one! Jean!"
Jean fired the black smoke signal.
"Sorry!"
You lightly shook your head. "It's alright. Red would've worked out anyway. Who calls dibs?"
"Me!" Sasha lept off to a nearby tree, waiting for the abnormal to rush over, and slashed its nape open.
After two weeks, it was back to square one: ridding Wall Maria of its titans once and for all. Because there were only 10 survivors, there were literally only 10 Scouts total left in the Survey Corps. None of the Training Corps had produced new soldiers yet, and it'd be a miracle if anyone would choose the Scouts after the Return to Shiganshina.
So Hange officially split everyone into two groups. The Primary Squad: Levi, her, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. The Secondary Squad: Jean, Sasha, Connie, and Floch, which you would lead as the Vice Captain.
"Those two are huge!" Connie pointed at two twin-looking titans clawing at the barks of the trees.
"And they're mine!" You swung low through the trunks and cut out their heels, sending them both to their knees, and ending their miseries with the excise of their napes. Another titan suddenly popped out of the corner, reaching out its hand. You shot your wires to its neck, slicing it up from its fingers all the way to its shoulders, and sent that one to the afterlife, too.
Instead of promptly returning to your horse, you swung up to the trees and threw yourself into the air, stretching your arms as if you could hug the sunshiny sky. You let yourself free fall down, then latched your wires onto a branch before hitting the ground.
"You're insane for that," said Jean, shaking his head in bafflement as you got back on your horse. "Then again, when are you not?"
"Can't blame me. I haven't properly killed one of those in a while." And it felt exhilarating, returning to being a Scout. Especially since what happened two weeks earlier. When this break was put on your relationship status.
It had been the day of Hange's experiment. Quick and easy: test out your skin's impact on his skin. Just after one finger touch, he couldn't turn into a titan anymore. Since Hange had gotten everything she needed in under a minute, Eren took the opportunity to try to pull you aside to talk.
"Y/n, get your ass back here," he had called out impatiently when you had turned on your heel to walk back where you came.
"You don't speak like that to somebody older," you had called back.
"Hard not to when you're acting like a fucking child."
Not only did it get him a barrel thrown at his head, which he barely dodged in time, but it also got you to plant your feet down in the grass. Even if you were a couple of feet away.
First thing he did was apologize, which you had cut him off because it simply was just not his fault. Then he proceeded to say, "If I don't apologize, you're just going to keep blaming yourself." To which you replied, "So what? It's not like I'm blaming youâjust stay out of it."
After a few back and forths, things started escalating, and what slipped off his tongue next was the word "hypocrite." He called you a hypocrite. Because you once told him not to give up and let the world stand in his way, yet you were doing the exact same thing. Thing was, you knew it was true. What made it worse was that it was he who saw it through you. Calling out somebody else's flaws was easy work, but to be called out by somebody else brought a whole different feeling. Humiliating, shameful, and embarrassing of a sort. Truth really did hurt.
You didn't have the energy to continue the argument after, so you went the easiest route you could think of: asking for a break. Thankfully, he agreed it to be the best thing currently. Of course, you were aware of how wrongly you were dealing with things. Calling for a break with Eren? A month ago, even skipping a day to talk to him seemed impossible enough. And now look what had happened.
"You seem to be in a good mood," pointed out Sasha. Jean and Connie casted her looks from the sides of their eyes. She shot them an aimed look as if affirming, "I know not to bring him up!"
During those two weeks, your friends, through outside perspective observations, realized that perhaps Eren wasn't entirely the problem. Time and time again, they'd see him at least try. But they hadn't seen you once try as much as he did. Just avoid, avoid, and avoid. It made them all regroup, realizing that they, especially Mikasa, had been way too harsh on only him.
"We should've never gotten involved," Armin had stated, the first to do so. "We should've just let them unfold their relationship organically, no matter how long it took."
"But I thought we helped them a great deal. I don't think we did anything wrong," Sasha had said. "It's not every day your friends like each other so much that you feel if you don't help them get together, you're doing them injustice. And besides, it was fun."
"That's exactly the problem," said Armin. "It was fun. For us. But it's also their relationshipâsomething serious. And we were...treating it like it was a game. No wonder it's all falling apart now. Everything was a little...forced."
"From now on, we're not getting involved anymore," Mikasa had concluded. "No more helping. Armin's rightâwe've done enough. And frankly, it isn't any of our business anyway. If they take forever, then...they take forever. If they truly want back what they have, then it'll come back."
A black signal fired behind the trees. After a few moments, a purple smoke signal followed.
"What's that one again?" asked Sasha.
"It's an emergency," said Floch, finally escaping his silence. "Usually it means they're outnumbered or someone was grabbed!"
"Sasha, fire the green signal," you said. "Let them know we're on our way."
"Yes, ma'am!"
"You know what? I like that. Keep it comin'." You redirected the reins to your horse and the rest of them followed suit.
Once you reached the other side of the forest, your stomach plummeted. The Primary Squad had somehow encountered an entire horde of titans. Your squad didn't even need your orders to join in the fight. At first glance, two silhouettes were breezing from left to rightâcouldn't be anyone other than Levi and Mikasa. Hange was seen taunting a titan and cackling her head off.
In the midst, you heard Armin's voice. Screaming out Eren's name. When you pinpointed him, he was sprawled out on the ground, a trail of steam rising out of his body. The titan hovering above ripped open its jaw.
Its teeth crashed into the dirt as you tumbled across the grass with Eren in your arms. Mikasa swooped in and killed that titan, sparing a glance to make sure the two of you were alright, then left for the next.
You finally got a good look at his unconscious bodyânot only were there bite marks on the side of his ribs, but his entire arm had been ripped off. Blood stained his shirt and the inside of his cape. You let out a helpless sigh. "What were those three years of training even for?" you muttered, wiping the blood streaking down his forehead with your hand. Then the steam stopped releasing. You retracted yourself as quickly as accidentally touching a hot stove.
Once all titans in the area were slain, Mikasa found you first, sitting with your legs crossed, braiding the grass, a couple feet away from Eren. She took one glance at him and scoffed. "This dumbass."
"No, not him. I'm the dumbass," you said, distracting yourself by restarting the grass braid again. "Could've just killed that damn titan and left, but no, I just had to touch his face right when he's healing. Fucking idiot I am."
She let out a deep breath, frowning as she noticed the absence of his healing steam. "Y/n, you should seriously stop blaming yourself every time. It's not good for you. Not for anyone. Besides, when has he ever not gotten hurt during a mission? And he'll be healing soon enough. Your effect isn't permanent."
You tugged too hard and accidentally pulled out the braided grass from its roots. "I know you're trying to help, Mikasa. But I'm telling youâif you were in my shoes and managed to preserve the pain of somebody you deeply cared about, trust me, this shit does not feel as simple as you're making it seem."
"But it doesn't always have to be so complicatedâ"
"Let me ask youâwhat if it had been his vitals? Hm?" You waited for a retort, but she remained silent. "What if it had been a stab to the heart? Or a cut in his throat? Or any other body part that would've threatened his life? You know that if anything happened differently, I could've killed him?" Even saying those words out loud caused your blood to run cold. You? Killing Eren? It had never even crossed your mind before. Yet now, there was a possibility produced in reality.
Armin landed beside her. "Guys, I'm so sorry about thisâthis would've never happened if I'd just killed the titan, and Eren didn't have to come and help me."
You snorted. "Mikasa, why don't you preach to him the same speech you just gave me about self-blaming?" You got up, dusting off the grass specks from your pants. "In the meantime, I'll make myself somewhat useful and get the bandages. One of you would have to do the work, though. Who knows if he might end up a second Erwin if I touch him again?"
Before they could respond, Hange popped in and preoccupied them with a made-up experiment on the spotâtiming how long it would take for his body to start regenerating again. Since she already had a roll of bandages ready, you stayed near your horse.
Levi was reloading the smoke signals at his horse, coincidentally next to yours. "Playing the 'tragic hero' is more of Eren's forte," he said. "This doesn't suit you."
"Levi, I am really tired right now. Save it for somebody else."
"Shit excuse. You're never tired."
You huffed out a laugh. "Of battle, no. But of life? It's starting to catch up."
"Well, I've been tired of life for ages. But that's just the way it works. Life's not fair."
"Yeah, you told me that when I first met you."
"Still isn't an excuse for you to just give in."
You fought the heavy urge to roll your eyes and, instead, plastered on a spiteful smile. "You are so right, Captain. I should stop being pathetic and making excuses. and I totally shouldn't admit defeat and give up."
He ended up being the one to roll his eyes. "There you goâ"
"So you won't have to worry anymore because I'm deciding that instead of concerning myself with things that I 'can't control,' I'll devote myself full time to my job. No distractions. No mistakes. No accidents. And no more 'Y/n, stop being dramatic and blaming yourself.' Perfectly fine, as all things should be. Everyone's happy. Hm?"
You pretended not to see Levi's unamused scowl as you got on the horse, riding off with a head start.
* . * .
It took a series of events, mainly three, that caused Eren to crash out.
First was learning about what happened during the last excursion. What stuck out to him wasn't so much the fact that you could've killed himâit was that he, for the love of god, still couldn't kill a second titan. And that stupid, clumsy mistake ended up creating a serious problem: you wouldn't even look at him now. Wouldn't even talk to him. But he convinced himself to give you space. Because he knew if he had been in your place and could've possibly killed you, he would even be avoiding his own reflection in the mirror.
Next came the dreams. Multiple ones about the past and, somehow, the future. Horrifying flashes in his sleepâsceneries that seemed so far away, so unredeemable and impossible. But that wasn't what was haunting him night after night. It was that not once in his visions did he see you.
He'd seen the othersâMikasa, Armin, Sasha, even motherfucking Floch, who he had to remind himself constantly of his existence. Yet not once did he catch a glimpse of you. Not a flare of your e/c eyes, nor a strand of your h/c hair. So not only was he unable to see you in real life, but nor in his dreams. Sure made his mornings crankier.
His final last straw was at lunch. He'd be watching you, as always, simultaneously wondering if you were purposefully ignoring or just never noticed him. Out of nowhere, a random Garrison your age came over and sparked a conversation with you. Eren's spoon fell out of his hands.
It's fine, he told himself. Casual conversations with the opposite gender were normal. Up until that man of the opposite gender made a joke. It made you smile. And Eren, a teenage boy, easily recognized that glint of interest in that fellow teenage boy's eyes.
It wasn't anything beyond the slightest curve of your lips to be polite so that the guy could leave you alone. But Eren didn't see it like that. Noâhe saw that while he was miserable without you, you were surviving perfectly without him. He granted you space, expecting you to use the time to come back around eventually, yet he saw you using it to possibly get over him.
This was the moment he finally decided: I don't give a flying fuck anymore.
That afternoon, he barged into the library where the rest of his friends were lounging in. "I want her back."
Mikasa and Armin were the first to glance up, followed by the rest. It'd been a while since they'd properly conversed with him. And it'd been especially some time since they'd even heard him speak about you.
"Alright, man. Good luck," said Sasha, raising a thumb up, then returning to her upside-down held book.
Eren scanned the rest of them. "Nobody else has anything to say?"
"Uh..." Connie glanced at Jean.
Jean cleared his throat. "Okay, well, does she know you want her back?" he asked, careful about his wording.
"She doesn't need to know. I'm getting her back." I need her back.
Connie whistled. "Damn, dude, you're awfully...confident in yourself."
"Not trying to burst your bubble but...you sure she still wants you?" asked Sasha. Mikasa threw her a pointed look, making her press her lips shut.
"I know she still wants me. She must do. She just hasn't thought it through yet."
Jean furrowed his eyebrows, realizing something was off. "Woah."
"This is really sudden," noted Armin. "I mean, I get it. You probably miss her a whole lot in this 'break.' Did something happen recently?"
Eren shook his head a bit too quickly. "No, nothing happened. I'm just tired of missing her. I can't do this anymore. Maybe avoidance is second nature to her, but it sure isn't to me. I'm done. I don't give a fuck anymore."
"Uh-huh," Sasha slowly nodded, puzzled, "and how exactly will you get her to talk to you? Maybe even look at you?"
"That's why I'm here. I'm going to need you guys to help."
The reaction was nonexistent. Mikasa, finally deciding to speak up, told him a simple: "No."
Eren's eyebrows could fly up to the moon. "What the fuck, Mikasa? When I don't need your help, you give it wholeheartedly. Now that I actually do, you turn me away?" He scanned the rest of the silent friends. "Seriously? Do you guys enjoy seeing me fail time after time?'
Armin started, "Eren, we're not trying toâ"
"It's not our business anymore," said Mikasa. "It's yours and hers to deal with."
Eren scoffed, bewildered by her audacity. "Oh, finally, it's our business now. After all those times you guys stepped in and prodded the situation around, it's now that you guys decide to step back? Now? Couldn't there have been a more perfect timing?"
"We're stepping back because we've done enough. In helping and in playing an unnecessary part in your problems," she said, finally letting the whole truth out. "We thought we were helping, and maybe we did, but we shouldn't have been too focused on treating it like a 'show' and not somebody's actual relationship. And about what I said at that funeral...I was wrong. It's not entirely your fault. Y/n...is not entirely innocent from the narrative, either. And it wasn't fair for you to shoulder all that responsibility just because she had deeper problems with herself than you. So, for that, I'm sorry."
Eren blinked, taking it all in. "Huh. I don't remember the last time I got a sorry out of you, Mikasa. Thanks."
"That said," started Armin, "we can't help you this time. Sorry, Eren, but we can't force it to mend again and again like we always doâthat'll just create more cracks to fix. If it's meant to be, and if the chance is right, then great. But we really don't want to barge our way in this time. "
"But see, I don't need you guys to mend our problems," said Eren, starting to smile as if he had it all figured out. "I just need you guys to do what you do bestâmake those stupid plans. Just get her into my proximity. And I'll take it from there."
"Did it just go through one ear and out the other of what Mikasa said?" asked Jean. "Y/n's got some problems, and we're not going to sugarcoat that. But we won't force her into doing something she doesn't want right nowâwhich is being near you. As brutal as that sounds."
"I don't care about her problems. I just need her to get back into my life."
Sasha frowned. "That's not..."
"Eren," started Armin again, eager to reason with him, "you realize that if you don't let her fix the problem up from its core herself, because she's the only one who can do it, then the same thing's just going to happen again and again andâ"
"Then we'll do it again and again. And I'll get her back every single time. I would rather she run from me every day and I chase after her than not even be able to talk to her. Matter of factâI'd rather she hate me forever and still stay with me than, I don't knowâbe happy without me."
Sasha choked on the carrot in her mouth, and Jean backed up in his seat. "Uh, Eren, you're starting to sound a little..." Connie twirled a finger beside his head.
"You know what? Thank you all for your help in the past. This time, I'll handle this myself. All you guys need to do is just to stay out of the way. That's all." With that, he headed out the door and disappeared down the hall.
Sasha had her jaw dangling. "I'm kind of scared for Y/n."
"Yeah, I think if I were her, I would run the other way as fast as I can," said Connie, eyes wide in shock.
"So what do you guys think?" Jean asked Mikasa and Armin. "I know we're not supposed to get involved anymore, but...that sounded to me like Eren just made a goddamn threat. Should we do something?"
"I don't kn..." Armin gulped, turning to Mikasa. She barely looked any less stunned than he did.
"Hâhe's Eren. He always wants the best for her. He wouldn't ever hurt her. It'll be fine," she said, although even she couldn't ignore his oddity. "They'll be fine."
*
lil s4 eren personality sneakin in...
guys i promise next chap we headin to the double rainbow after the rain
im so eager to move past the teenage angst
a friend finally started aot after i begged her for so long, and she's on s3 rn and thinks eren is a useless crybaby...like LMAO ig its funny but dam...