"Ughhhhhh Irsa!!!! Why are you not here!
And why do you never pick up your phone!
Ufff kidhar ho ! Nevermind, I am sorry I know you are busy and I hate how I keep bothering you! But main kya karoon! I don't have a man, who I can annoy!
A man! Owffff....
Don't kill me......
But I have to tell someone:
And there is no one who's going to be more or idk enthusiastic? Disappointed? Furious? than you....
But you were right!
You always are right!
I am so so stupid....
I love him...........................
I have always loved him. Pata nai kyun. Us main kuch khas nai hai par sub kuch khas lagta hai....
I still love him! And I always will. It's your fault actually. You kept saying it, over and over again until I fell for him. That's bullshit actually. Sari galti meri he hai. But I want to blame someone. So, I will blame you...
It's killing me!
He is killing me! And I don't want him to have this power over me. But he does. Even if I try not to react or completely ignore it. It's there. Every time he says my name, or looks my way, or when he laughs when I responds to his bullshit with a bullshit of my own, or when he opens the door for me every time there a door to be held open, or when he carries my leftovers to my car, or when he starts humming the song, I was humming. Or when he walks with me. I love it when we walk together anywhere. He matches my stride which is a rare because I have heard people complain that I walk slowly.
And we are just talking he acts totally disingenuous. Some days, I play fool and say stupidest shit to get him out of character, but he never breaks it. His character. The other days, I play along and enlighten him about the things he knows better than me. Actually, it's mostly me talking. He listens.....
Oh, oh and when he looks at me from the review mirror and smiles. He adjusts it every time I sit in the back. Or when he leans, towards me to share an inside joke about my vulture family when they are around. Or when he flirts with Mehreen Ala. Damn it, Irsa he flirts with everyone. Or when he, video calls his brother every time and make Musa and Hadi, say Hi to me because, I love Hadi.
He is taking my heart, Irsa! And as casually as he wipes his mouth with a napkin. He wipes it, funnily. Swipes the napkin to the right every time he is done with food. Can you believe how fuked up I am to notice that?
He is always there when I need him. He tries to not make a big deal of it. When I need to be walked somewhere, he'd walk me there saying, "He had some kaam there..." Or that he needed to do so stuff too. Or just any bahana(excuse) I would buy. Or when he gets me coffee and gets himself a cup of chai... Because he knows I like coffee more. I don't know how he picked that . But he knows that I am a coffee person.
It's killing me! Because I don't know...... Because he left last time. Because I don't know if I am special or not. Because somedays he sees through me. And it breaks my heart. I try to act normal. Jese mujhe farq nai parta. Par mujhe bohat faraq parta hai jab woh Amna k sath dant nikal raha hota hai. Ya jab kisi aur k sath ja raha hota hai. I wanted to throw his phone out when I saw he was making dinner plans with Maneeha purson.
He doesn't even know it. And he will never do. But it's true. I love him! Woh pasand hai mujhe. He looks at himself in every mirror he passes. He has this mole just above his ankle which I find cute. His white hair makes him insecure. I told him mujhe nazar nai araha... Par I know he got 4 more on the right side, too. Fuck Irsa, I know about the number of white hair he got! I am so gone! Dead meat!
And there's not a blessed thing I can do about it. I hate how I just want to lean and place my head on his shoulder everytime he sits besides me. I hate how I want him to hold my hand when we are walking, that I end up bumping in his shoulder. I hate how I am getting obsessed with him. Uff Allah!
And when he leavesâbecause of course he's going to leave. What am I going to do? How am I going to manage! I enjoy the gaming Saturdays. I enjoy the gola eating on Fridays with bestie and him. Bus akhri mahina chal raha hai. Phir his project will complete aur Mamo wali will ka time bhi.... Phir who chala jae ga mujhe chor kar jese last time gaya tha. He'll take my heart away with him, exactly like he did before.
Yaar, I am all the characters from Wizard of Oz. I am the cowardly lion with no courage! No courage to tell him that I love him! That he means the world to me! Because I know he was just flirting casually! And he didn't mean a thing! I am so scared. My heart is meant to break, and I am not ready! To take this chance, and just tell him how I feel. Uffff yaar! Also, whenever he tries to flirt with me, I make it clear there could never be anything between us. Main kitni bari gadhi hoon......
I am Scarecrow with no brain whatsoever! I say the most stupid shit and make the most decision ever! If I had brain, I wouldn't have fallen for him! Not after what happened last time! Not when somedays he sees through me! Not when I know he is a red flag! I always thought kon se pagal aurtain hoten hain jo ek toxic relation main rehti hain, aur stupid cheating husband ko baar baar maaf kardeti hain! I realized, woh stupid nai hoti! Pyar main andhi hoten hain! Jese main ho gae! Mujhe uske sare red flags pata hain, phir bhi I love him! Damn it! Woh mujhe hurt karta hai, phir blame bhi mujhe he karta hai ... Sorry bolna tu bohat door ki baat.... STILL I LOVE HIM!!!
And lastly, I am Tin Man! I am left with nothing! No heart, no brain! No will to live. He went to Karachi on a two days trip and I was miserable! I missed him a lot! Adat ho gae hai mujhe uski. I kept looking at my phone waiting for his texts that never came.
I don't even care. I can't do anything about it. I can't stop him from leaving or walk away to protect myself, like I should, because I don't want to. I can't stand being away from him. That's how weak I am. Uff Irsa! Main kya karooon!
When he walks into the room, I lose my breath. When he snaps his fingers in front of me and asks, "Hey cutie, kidhar ghum ho?" ya "Hey, what ya thinking about!" all I can think is "Apke khayaloon main...." "You, you, you." And that stupid flirty 24/7 is something I picked up from him.
Do you know, I saw him with this girl few days back? I am always seeing him with different girls, and it breaks my heart every time. He told us he couldn't come for our gaming night. (We planned to go to arcade, phir say) But then I saw him on the signal with another girl in his car. And I don't know what got into me! I followed him to the restaurant! Texted bestie, that he ditched us.
After 15 minutes of driving, I found myself at the restaurant! My favorite restaurant. His friend ka café, where he said he only bring special people! Even Warran said, k woh sach bol raha hai. Yani k that girl was special. Who am I kidding she was special tabhi tu humain ditch kara k uske sath gaya tha. I was going inside to bust his shit, "BUSY HOON , Client hai...." When I found myself thinking, What am I doing? And why?
And then I came back and sat in the car for I don't know how, long listening to Arijit Singh! And yes, I cried like an idiot! Phir , he came out smiling , his dark hair gleaming in the moonlight . And I think to myself how, I'd love to run my hands through his thick and dark hair! I'm lost. I'm lost to him forever.
What is wrong with me? I wasn't this bad before. When his hand accidentally brushes mine, I think every single one of my nerve endings is going to explode. And when he was away, I invaded his room and sprayed his perfume, and it reminded me of him. I think I have lost it, completely! Some days I feel like a creep from that season YOU!
I've lost my soul to Behzad Haider, after I swore to myself that I wouldn't. Not again. What am I going to do?
Also did I tell you, he refuses to call me anything but "Mehr-un -Nisa...."! People who truly loved me called me Mehr-un-Nisa only. Like Mama and after her it was Mamo. You know I hate being called Mehr-un-Nisa. Its special to me. The name! And even you don't call me that. Because you know and you respect my decisions. But he doesn't. YANI K HE IS ALL WRONG!!!! Ek bhi cheez uski thek nai , phir bhi who mujhe pasand hai KYUN???
I'm doomed, Irsa. Please ajao! Please mujhe batao main kya karoon ! Please tell me, how do I get over him! I don't want to be miserable! Help me! Please!!!! ALSO, I heard him telling Ala that he is going to marry someone. Irsa, main kya karoon ge jab he comes to live with his wife ? Mamo ka ghar adhar uska bhi tu hai. Irsa!!! Mehr sobbed as she ended the WhatsApp recording and threw the phone on bed.
Later that night
Somebody knocked on the door and Mehr opened it to find Irsa, carrying a box of donuts. "Chachu chai la rahay hoon ge...." She said and Mehr felt the tears start.
"Oyee, jaani....", Irsa said as she came inside, putting her arm around Mehr as she held the donut box in the other. "I heard your message...., come on let's talk about it..."
"I thought I was smarter than this...." Mehr said, fighting to keep her voice steady. She took a shuddery breath to calm herself. "I thought, it will all be under control if I didn't think about it."
"I know Jani...ek min." Irsa said, putting the donuts down on the side table and Mehr laughed at her though the tears.
"Idhar aooo!" She said as she patted the bed.
"Wahab bhai?" Mehr inquired.
"Not here..." Irsa told her.
"He's worried about you... Considers you like his sister. But let's be real. You are nothing like his sisters. His sisters are bitches..."
Mehr laughed and then sniffed as she placed her head in the lap of her friend.
"Why am I always making bad choices? Why can't I settle for good decent guy, jese you went for Wahab Bhai..."
"Wahab? He'd bore you to death! Also, jitni attention apko chaiye hoti hai... and your possessive streak, you'd fire all the nurses and kisi patient ko hath nai laganay do ge...." Irsa said as she moved the strand of hair aside.
"Just like I'd have shoved your Behzad under a truck..... Kitna bolta hai. Dimag adha kar deta hai...."
"You would have?" Mehr sniffed and then realized that Irsa had called Behzad's hers! Mehr decided to let that slide. She had bigger problems right now. But she liked the sound of it. Her Behzad! Kash!
"Oh please, the constant pickup lines, all that playstation subha sham in free time...He have got commitment issues. I don't have patience for that. I wanted kids, not to marry one."
"Itna bhi bura nai hai woh, Irsa. Also, I have nothing against the gamer guys. Atleast they don't talk to hoes....Par Behzad tu gamer bhi nai hai pori tarhan say. He talks to hoes, a lot..."
"I know", Irsa said... "And someday he'll man up and fight the demons and be a good man to you. But I don't think someday dekh pae ga woh! Because I am going to fry him, mere gulab jamun ka dil kese tora us nay!"
"He didn't break my heart." Mehr said defensively.
"He didn't?" Irsa asked.
"Okay, he might have. But it wasn't his fault. It was mine. I expected this, all from him. He didn't promise me anything." Mehr replied.
"Oh, cut it Mehr! Stop being such a baby! Listen to yourself and listen to the audios you have sent. You are miserable right now and it's his fault! Assholeeee BEHZAD! "
"Irsa!", Mehr said scandalized as with the knock the door opened and Sugra bi brought chai. Without a word, she placed the chai on the side table and left.
"What do you want, Mehr?" Irsa asked.
"I want Behzad. I know it's stupid...." Mehr replied as she sniffed.
"Bhuddu, chai k sath poch rahi hoon... Donut chahiye ya Pakoray?" Irsa asked and Mehr blushed as she replied "Donut, par not the Boston one. He likes them...."
"Ab batao, why do you want him?"
"Because he is fun?" Mehr, replied as she smiled blinking away the tears as she tore the donut into two.
"He's so much fun to be around, Irsa. He makes me feel like I am the most beautiful girl ever. He has never asked me about Ahmad or the divorce. Some days it bother me that why had he not? If he's a friend, then she should ask? I would have. But then I realized that he is giving me space. He doesn't want ask questions he knows I am not comfortable answering. His constant lines, makes me feel beautiful. But I know they are complete bullshit, and he says them to every girl he meets. Or when he'd roll, the piece of tissue and throw that at me in the dinner table when I am too lost in my thoughts. It should annoy me, but it doesn't."
"Somebody so unpredictable that you couldn't handle. That's what you are attracted to? Surprises?" Irsa asked.
"He is exciting? Thora sa, maybe. I never know what coming up next. Like, I asked him "What do you want to eat?" And he replied, "App!" Uske baad after a pause he added. "Jo bana k khila dain..."
"This turns you on? It irritates me..." Irsa commented.
"Yeah....It used to irritate me..." Mehr replied.
"Don't! Used to me..." Irsa commented.
"My happily ever after was to marry Wahab. Have two kids. Live in a nice house, I am a stay-at-home mom, but I do design some bridals here and there for some selective people. You do the jewelry for them. The clients are dying to get their hands on us...."
"This is not a fairy tale,yeh tu sab mumkin hai" Mehr said as she reached for her.
"We have these gaming nights every Saturday, how Mamo used to do it growing up. Everybody sits around and plays monopoly, and you teach my kids to steal. And every time, I need a me time with Wahab, I drop my kids to stay with their favorite khalaâ"
"I'll be there," Mehr said as she cried.
"Not alone! You are there. But you are happy! You and I go for shopping for my girl's career day. Or when she graduated Nursey."
"Who do you see yourself with? At my girl's graduation day?"
"Oh Irsa," Mehr said as she drank her chai. She didn't want it to spill so she was trying to finish it asap!
"It's Behzad, I see myself with him! I clap for our girl, while he whistles and embarrasses me. I pretend I am embarrassed, but I love that he is excited as if this is the real deal and not some little nursey graduation. I love him for loving your girl and being all favorite uncle and I think to myself that this is the environment I'd love my kids to be brought up in. That he'd make a very cool Dad. A dad who carpools his kids to school. The one who is always doing stupid shit and the kids love him and respect him. Because he can really do the eye thing. One time he gave me this look, his eyes were all red and gone with his playful smile that he always has. His jaw was clenched. It scared me a lot. Khair, tu point is he can do the strict Dad."
"He loves me, so much that he can't stand it. And we live in this house, in Skardu! He gets a cat for me, to cuddle with when he is gone for the days to attend some business meeting because he is good at this marketing thing he does. And I make jewelry from home." Mehr sniffed again as she tried to manage a smile.
"And every time he is away and I call him, I ask "Behzad kya kar rahay ho..." and he goes, "Meri jaan bus apko yaad..."
"And I say ? Achaa ..... tu phir wapis ajao?"
"And he says, "Mazaq nai? Sach much main..."
"And I say sach much....So, he grabs the first flight he gets and come home to me.... I know bohat karcha ho jayega aisay so I'll just do this 6 mahinay main ek dafa...."
"Some days we go to Warran's for dinner, like Sunday. And meet his friends, Bestie and Mustafa with their girls. He gets all jealous and tries to keep me glued to him when we play uno!"
Irsa smiled and nodded.
"On nights it's just us. We laugh at stupid stuff, and he holds me to his chest, we watch football together and I pass him tissues when Arsenal loses like always. To make him feel better, we play Fifa until we win!" Mehr wiped her eyes.
She took a deep breath and meet Irsa's eyes, "Its stupid haina?"
"Bilkul bhi nai..."
"What if he's the wrong one?" Mehr asked.
"What if he's not the prince I think he is....Hein? What if turns out like Ahmad?" Mehr asked.
"Mehr, he's nothing like Ahmad. You know that. Trust yourself and him."
"It's a big gamble.....I heard him and Ala talk. He loves her." Mehr replied.
"Life is a gamble, Mehr. You took a chance with Ahmad. Sub say bura tu ho he chuka hai. Us say bura kya ho sakta hai......" Irsa asked.
"But I wasn't in love with Ahmad, Irsa. I love Behzad. Usnay mera dil toora tu phir?" Mehr bit her lips as she swallowed some more tears.
"Behzad roz he apka dil torta hai according to you. Aur kitna tooray ga? Par agr us nay dil nai toora tu phir? You have to figure it out. Whether you love him enough to let him go or enough to fight your fears and confront him.", Irsa told her.
"I can do that?", Mehr asked uncertain.
"You can do anything my gulab jamun!" Irsa nodded.
"Tu phir main roo kyun rahi hoon...." Mehr asked.
"Kyunke, apko ek ghade say mohabbat hai....", Irsa replied.
"Yaar ab gadha tu maat bolo. Mana apke Wahab jitna lamba nai. Par cute hai yaar....Nai?" Mehr asked.
"Do you want an honest opinion or just 'apka dil rakhnay wala opinion?" Irsa asked.
"Honest !"
"Behzad ko choro apnay bestie ko in karao! Man of culture he is. Phir LUCIFER, WITCHER FAN! "
"Bestie engaged hai!" Mehr commented.
"Apke khatir toor day ga magni!"
"Acha? Bestie choro, DR Wahab kese rahain gay..."
"Mehr, bakwasss nai!" Irsa replied as she smacked Mehr on the back.
"Shuru kis nay kiya...." Mehr asked.
"Bhae, if you ask my jet lagged self , who bhi 2 ghantay ronay k bad , what do I think of Behzad tu obviously I'd say "Nafrat hai mujhe us say...." Meri dost ko rolaya...."
"I love you, Irsa!!! I'd be lost without you.! Kese aye ho?" Mehr said as she placed her head in Irsa's lap back again.
"PIA ...." Irsa replied and Mehr looked at her friend awestruck. What did she do to deserve a friend like Irsa? Who took a two-hour flight from Islamabad to get to Skardu, to help her deal with heartbreak?
"You took a fight after listening to my audio? Or Wahab bhai nay kuch nai kaha?"
"Nai! Mainay unhain bataya I am going and he said "Kheriyat say jao"..."
"I love you so much!!!! Reward him specially." Mehr said as she winked and Irsa blushed as she pushed Mehr away, with a "badtameez...."
Assalam-Alikum ,
I hope you all doing gooddd!!!!
There are nearly 5 chapters left including an Epilogue. The song for this chapter can be "Samjho na" by Aditya Rikhari... Because "Janaa samjhoo naaaa dil kehtaaa haii..."
Lots of love,
Please remember me in your prayers and my fam too!!!!
Alyna â¥â¥â¥â¥