Chapter 10: Chapter 10

WREN

“Wait, you’re married?!”

My insides twist. I can’t tell if he’s disappointed or just surprised. And if he is disappointed, I’m not sure how I feel about it.

“No, not anymore.”

“Oh... When did you separate?”

Tears prick my eyes. ~Fuck. Don’t cry, Wren. For the love of God and all that is holy, don’t cry.~

“When...he died.”

Shock registers on Lance’s face. An expression I’ve become all too familiar with.

“Oh, shit, I’m... Fuck, I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

I just nod. A few hot tears spill down my cheeks.

“Wren, are you okay?” Lance places a strong hand on my blanketed arm and squeezes. It grounds me. I nod and wipe my face. “Come on, let’s get you home.”

I’m grateful he doesn’t want me to say more words. I’m not sure I can manage without completely dissolving.

It’s been over a year, and I can still hardly whisper Max’s name without falling apart.

Lance grabs our empty bottles and puts his hand on my back to push me inside. I start to unwrap myself from the blanket but he puts his hands on my arms to hold it in place.

“Take it with you, it’s cold out there.”

I just nod again. Too raw to protest.

The walk back to my apartment in Big Red has never felt so long. We walk in silence for the first few minutes.

“It was cancer,” I blurt out.

I don’t even know if Lance hears me because he doesn’t respond. I glance at him and see him give a sympathetic nod to the ground.

“He kept saying his stomach hurt and kept putting off going to the doctor. By the time he did, it was too late.”

Again, he nods.

“He fought hard, for almost a year. After he died, I sold our house and our land. I paid off my sister’s house, I gave my mom the rest. And just...left. I’ve been running ever since. Like a coward.”

“Hey,” Lance, says and I jump. I turn to him. “Don’t talk about yourself that way.”

“I am!” My voice is higher than I intend. “I just keep moving and moving as if I can run away from the pain. It’s so stupid when I think about it!”

Lance grabs my face and wipes my tears away with his thumbs. His hands are callused and warm against my skin.

I am trying so hard not to sob, but my body is shaking and I just want to collapse. It feels like all my wounds have opened again.

Lance’s next words are husky and confident. “You’re still here, Wren, you’re surviving. You pull your weight, you’re loud, you’re cunning, you’re stubborn as hell.”

He pauses, a small smile tugging at his lips, but his concern returns quickly.

“Chin up, okay?”

I nod.

Then he does something that surprises me. He wraps me in a hug. My head rests on his chest and his arms envelop me in warmth.

I melt into him for a few seconds, enjoying the feeling of being protected from the world again. Before we get too comfortable, we both pull away.

“Now go get some rest. I’ll check on you tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” I say and open the door to Big Red before climbing the stairs to my apartment.

Puck greets me at the door. I give him some pets as I collapse into bed. I fall asleep with Lance’s blanket still wrapped tightly around me.

***

~Knock, knock, knock.~

I peel my eyes open to bright light flooding into the apartment. My head hurts from crying myself to sleep, and I feel like I need at least another hour in bed.

“Wren, open up. It’s me.”

Lance’s voice cuts through the heavy door, and I sigh. I am a little embarrassed about all the events of last night, and I really don’t want to see Lance right now.

“I know you’re in there. Come on, I just want to check on you.”

“Hang on,” I call. After I pee and splash some water on my face, I throw a sweater on over my top and open the door.

Lance is freshly showered with a small smile on his face and holding out a travel mug.

“Morning, sunshine.” He puts the coffee in my hand.

“Oh, thanks, how’s your face?”

He shrugs and leans his left side toward me. “Feels like I got punched in the face.”

“Yeah, looks like you’ll have some pretty colors.”

He chuckles. “Morning walk?”

“Uh, sure,” I say. “Come on, Puck.” Puck is already standing beside me but he does an excited spin.

The cool morning air hits my face and eases some of my embarrassment. Lance directs us down a path along a pasture that leads into a lightly wooded area behind Big Red.

For the first several minutes, the only sounds are our footsteps and Puck’s panting as he runs up and down the path next to us.

“How are you feeling today?” Lance asks. His sincerity comes through and warms my insides.

I look over at him. He’s wearing a simple, gray Henley shirt, jeans, work boots, and a cowboy hat. He’s bulky and stern-looking, but after last night, I feel his softer side edging closer to me.

It’s both alluring and terrifying. I wonder if it will always be terrifying to open up to people again.

“I’m okay, I guess.”

He nods and we walk in silence for a few more minutes.

“I hate falling apart,” I say finally. “It’s hard to stop once I start and I can’t stand being...”

“Vulnerable,” he says.

“Yes, exactly.”

The path meanders down to a small river, our pace slowing as we walk along the bank.

“I can relate,” Lance says as he picks up a rock and skips it across the water.

“Few things will make you feel more vulnerable than having someone help you take a piss or get out of bed for several weeks.”

“Huh,” I say, realization dawning on me. “Max used to say he missed going to the bathroom alone. He’d always crack jokes to the nurses. He kept his sense of humor all the way ’til the end.”

Lance chuckles.

“Sounds like we would’ve gotten along,” he says. I smile and nod.

We walk for a bit longer, then take a seat on a log so I can throw a stick for Puck. Eventually, he brings the stick to Lance a few times.

“I know you weren’t ready to share all that with me,” he says. My insides twist realizing that he knows this. “Maybe I can help settle the score.”

He swallows hard and I can see how uncomfortable he is.

“I haven’t driven since the accident,” he says. “I’m scared I’ll do it again. Or worse, hurt someone else.”

I put my hand on his upper arm and squeeze. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Actually, it was. I was on a rough road. I hit a shoulder too hard and overcorrected. Rolled into a ravine. No real reason for it to happen, I just fucked up.”

I gasp. “My God, Lance, I’m so sorry. You weren’t with anyone?”

“No, my family was looking for hours. When I finally came to, my phone was out of reach and my leg was pinned. I used voice assist to call for help.”

“Jesus, that must’ve been terrifying.”

“It was, but not for the reason you’d think.”

I look at him. He’s squinting into the distance. I have a strong urge to wrap him in a hug.

“I kept worrying about my family, about my mom, and about Emma. I kept picturing their reactions. I didn’t want them to have to identify my body.”

My heart clenches.

“I bet... I bet Max was more worried about you than himself. I bet he just wanted to protect you.”

Tears start to well in my eyes as warmth spreads through my chest. I’m sure he’s right—I have a letter from Max that says as much.

Lance looks at me and gives me a sympathetic smile. I lean my head on his shoulder, and he leans his head against mine. We stay like that for a long time.