I rolled the little syringe between my fingertips, rubbing my sore hiney at the same time. My mind was still processing what had just happened like a hamster racing around one of those spinning exercise wheels. Reaching over the table, I grabbed my diet soda. Drat! I forgot, the strange scientist-man drank it all. Now I have a sore butt and no Diet Coke, life sucks.
Snatching my phone off the table, I pushed the button bringing it to life and proceeded to cuss. I was late...really, really late. Dropping the glass thingamabob into one of my shopping bags to deal with later, I started gathering my stuff. The search for excuses shooting the hamster working on my previous problem dead in its tracks, taking over all my mental capabilities.
What the hell was I going to tell bobble-headed Brion? Earthquake? No...that wouldn't be practical. Alien abduction? Happens all the time, right? I can even show him the article I read this morning about a man in Alabama who said aliens abducted him from work, took him to the mothership, but due to a computer glitch was unable to remove his brain.
I was in the middle of pondering the feasibility of a Elvis sighting, when three huge assholes dressed all in black smashed into me, sending my shopping bags scattering to the four winds and landing me on my sore butt before continuing charging in the direction the weird science-man had sprinted off.
Generally, I am not the judgmental type person, so I have no idea if these guys were actually assholes or not. But, since they brushed pass me without even a "howdy do", I am going with my original assessment of they being assholes.
Heaving myself off the ground, I stood up...maybe a little too quickly. My head started to whirl like that one time I rode the spinning strawberry ride at the carnival in the middle of an August heat wave after consuming way to much funnel cake.
Snagging a chair, I plunked my butt into it, grimacing at the sharp jolt of pain. Dropping my head between my legs, I concentrated on breathing through my nose and keeping my Kung Pao down. Oh hey...a penny. See a penny pick it up and all day long you'll have good luck.
Plucking the copper colored coin up, I quickly rubbed it off on my pants and deposited it in my pocket. I could use a bit of luck right now, especially since I still had to deal with Bag of Doucheness Brion. Feeling a bit better, I staggered over to my dispersed shopping sacks and started to collect my treasures.
After glimpsing inside each one to make sure everything was safe and sound, I threw a nasty look over my shoulder at the asshole Men in Black wannabes who were now long gone. I swear, if I actually liked to run, I would have chased after them and given them a piece of my mind. But, lucky for them, I do not like to run and if you ever see me running, then you had better get a hustle on because there's a zombie grizzly right behind me.
Snorting at my own joke, I took off for the parking lot. Once I reached outside, the sun made me squint and I weaved unsteadily on my feet. Maybe I shouldn't have had that third egg-roll. The heat of the afternoon was unbearable and I could feel the prickling of sweat beading on my forehead. Damn, it's hot. Was it supposed to be this hot today? Maybe I should start watching the news in the morning instead of old re-runs of Bewitched, I thought as I stumbled out to my car.
Everything seemed so heavy as I tossed it all into the back of my Gremlin. Usually I took more care with my purchases, but with the way I was feeling right now, I could care less. I think the Orange Panda was going to be crossed off my nutritional list from now on. Now that I think about it, those egg-rolls did taste sort of funny.
Turning Gizmo over, I backed slowly out of the parking space. Yes, slowly...even I can't afford another ding on my insurance. Take off one little side mirror on a Mercedes and suddenly you're a bad driving risk. Once I was clear of the other cars though, I put my lead foot down and sped out of there like Mario Andretti.
Cruising along, I cranked up the AC and Katey Perry's Roar, my anthem. I was bucket seat dancing, threading it through the eye of the tiger, when the road wavered. I'm pretty sure roads are not supposed to do that, so I am assuming it had something to do with my eyes which started burning.
Taking one hand off the wheel, I rubbed each eye in turn trying to stop the eerie optical illusions, but nothing I did could explain what I saw next. I literally could see each and every pebble in the road, make out the drips of paint on the yellow dotted line and the thumb prints left behind from the guy who painted them. Or woman...I don't want to be biased.
Swerving hard around what looked like a crater in the middle of the road, but really was only a tiny pothole, I blinked furiously, trying to get a handle on the situation. What the hell was in those egg-rolls? My head began to pound and felt like Katey's tiger was trying to claw its way out. I hastily twisted the radio knob to off, hoping to put the kitty to sleep with silence.
Doing the well-practiced one knee driving trick, I turned around to snatch my purse out of the back and dug through it until I found my sunglasses sending tissues, chapstick, lip-gloss, candy wrappers, and a half eaten bag of Cheetos flying to every corner of my car in my haste. Slipping them on, I resettled in my seat and focused on the road ahead which was still acting like a phantasm. Okay, so rose colored glasses don't make everything better, but at least I wasn't developing crow's feet from squinching up my face and looking like the Crypt Keeper.
I felt awful and the crazy, spacey way I was seeing things was not helping. Orange Panda was officially on my shit list. In fact, I might sue them for feeding me tainted egg-rolls. Maybe they would cut me a deal like that coffee place did with Kramer on Seinfeld. All the Chinese food I could eat for the rest of my life, which could be quite a bit given my size. I may be little, but I had one heck of an appetite. Although, I don't know how wise it was to be cutting that kind of deal with a place who just tried to poison me.
Wait! A twinge in my butt reminded me of what had happened earlier. Yes, I am a bit of a scatterbrain, but the point is it wasn't the food, it was the Harry Potter lookalike! I pounded the dashboard with my fist while my hamster took a victory lap. That little creep drugged me. That was what was in the damn vail. I had no experience with drugs. None whatsoever, since I was a bit of chicken when it came to exploring narcotics. Okay...so I was a geek, I admit it.
Growing up I was far more interested in watching Dr. Who or finding the hidden Easter Eggs in the Super Mario Brothers than I was in partying or being a wild child. But, I was no nerd. Geeky yes, book nerd...not so much. There is a difference between a nerd and a geek, ask any geek and they will tell you or pull up my school grades if you need further proof. Einstein I was not.
Besides, I was a foster kid and already being passed around like a beach ball at a Nickelback concert. Keeping my nose clean was a necessity, especially when I was already in trouble most of the time just for being my charming self. Shave a couple of cats...start one little fire and POOF...you were on the road again.
So needless to say, I basically I had no clue what he might have dropped on me. That's what druggies called it, right? I could be falling on roofies, riding the wild mushroom or jerking on LSD for all I knew. I needed to get to a hospital. No...wait. If I test positive for drugs, then I'll lose my job. I can't afford to lose my job when next week Old Navy was having a sale on sweaters. There was no way Boner Brion was going to believe my story anyway, even if for once I would be telling the truth.
Nope. I would have to solider through. Setting my shoulders and hitching up my big girl panties, I decided I would have to surf the high until it was over. First things first, I needed to get to work and grab a Diet Coke, ASAP. I studiously ignored the 3D effects of the road and concentrated on getting back to the Superpumper.
Suddenly, a big black object flying directly towards my windshield made me slam my foot on the brakes, locking Gizmo's rear wheels and sending her sliding forward like we were in the Ice Capades bringing me closer to the very object I was trying to avoid.
I slammed my eyes shut and readied myself for impact, thankful I had remembered to snap on my seatbelt. For a few seconds, I wondered why nobody on the Enterprise ever wore one. You'd think in the 23rd century they would have installed some or at the very least installed them after Captain Kirk and his crew had been thrown around like a tossed salad a few times.
Gizmo shuddered to a stop, but no crash happened. Breathing heavy, I popped one eye open and then the other, slowly loosening the grip on the steering wheel. I was eye to eye to eye to eye to...how many freaking eyes does a fly have?
I could SEE every little nuance of the fly presently blinking at me on my windshield. Its saliva sponging and mopping the glass from its mouthparts grossed me out and my stomach rolled.
"Shoo!" I yelled, sweeping my hands towards the window.
Its antenna twitched and rotated, but other than that, it kept up sucking the glass. Its hairy, knobby six legs scampering around looking for something tasty to slurp. Veiny transparent wings fluttered and flicked, but still it remained no matter how much I waved my hands around.
My stomach rolled again and I laid my head against Gizmo's steering wheel. I was sweating like a 400 pound man chasing after an ice-cream truck. The thought of ice-cream making me gag. It's probably a good thing I never became a druggie. Apparently I didn't have the stomach for it.
Swallowing hard, I sat back up and flicked on Gizmo's windshield wipers in a last ditch effort. It worked. They smacked the fly and sent it hurtling into oblivion. Teach that little sucker to land on my car, I thought shifting back into gear and heading towards the Superpumper, keeping my windshield wipers flopping back and forth like mad, just in case any of his buddies got the brilliant idea of landing.
A scant few minutes later, I pulled into work. I never thought I would say it in my entire life, but I was happy to be there. Opening the door, I looked down at the gravely pavement of the Superpumper parking lot. It seemed to be miles away, like I was standing on an edge of a cliff and I didn't have a parachute.
Wiping my brow, I shut my eyes and stuck my leg out happy when it landed on solid ground instead of nothingness. This was some serious trip I was on. Closing the door to Gizmo, I staggered off towards salvation, Diet Coke. Keeping my eyes barely open, I managed to make my way to the soda machine without further issue. If I didn't look at anything directly, the fun house effect was kept to a minimum.
The ice clunking into the cup was deafening. Each cube sounded like boulders crashing together and I winced as my head continued to throb.
"You're late, again!" Brion's whiney, high-pitched squeak made my knees wobble. "Can't you ever do anything on time? I'm writing you up for this and from now on all your lunch breaks will be taken on company property. I mean it Mel, no more wandering off when you are on duty. When my dad hears about this, you will be lucky to still have a job!"
I turned around to tell him to stop shouting at me, which in hindsight probably wasn't the best idea I ever had. Brion's face was only inches away from mine. I could see every puss filled bubble on his greasy mug. They pulsated and grew before my very eyes. A clear oily fluid seeped down the sides of his nose, little bits of dirt and debris glided along on the slow motion ride as it worked its way around a blockade of blackheads.
One particularly bad zit glowed white and burst forth like a volcano, spewing bits of puss, blood and other nasty leaky things.
It was too much. Kung Pao chicken came hurtling out of my mouth with the velocity of a firehose, covering Brion from head to toe.
"I told you I was sick," was all I could mumble as he sat there dripping in vomit.
Poor Mel...or should I say poor Brion? Will she survive what the man injected her with? Stay tuned for the next installment of FANGED to find out.
Hey everyone! I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I have enjoyed writing it. If you liked it please give it a vote and comments are always appreciated. If you don't see any updates here...check out my other two stories Bending Steele or When Roses Collide.