"What are you doing?" Fanged asked through gritted teeth as I took a hard right exiting the highway and headed towards breakfast pastry paradise.
"I'm hungry, duh." I was so busy rolling my eyes, I blew a stop sign. Drat! Fortunately, there wasn't a whole lot of traffic this time of night on the desolate section of highway, but that didn't stop Fang from slamming his boot damn near through my floorboard trying to push a brake that wasn't there. Maybe for Christmas I will get him one of those gag floor mats with a fake brake he can pump to his hearts delight.
"You are going to get us killed," he snapped.
"I would rather die than be held prisoner for one more second with the demon abomination," Courtanya piped up from the back.
"Oh? Like taking us to the nice, sweet Colony to meet the wonderful wizards of Waverly place was such a safe decision, Captain Kamikaze," I snorted at him. "And you pipe down back there pipsqueak. Nobody asked your opinion." I watched her flip me a double bird from the back. She was a naughty little minion. I couldn't help but like her, despite her eagerness to kill me.
"How long are you planning on holding that against me?"
"How long do vampires live?"
Shaking his head, he looked out the window. "Don't you think we are a bit underdressed for dining out?" he asked, running a hand over his bare chest.
My eyes watched as his hand brushed his pecs and inadvertently...his pert nipple. Saliva burst in my mouth as my tongue practically sat up and begged for a lick. Seriously, his hotness was going to drive me insane.
"It's the Waffle House at two in the morning. Trust me, we will be the best dressed in there," I muttered. The need for syrupy goodness was clouding my fashion sense. Besides, with abs like that, there was a good chance they would comp the meal.
I pulled into the practically empty parking lot and got of the car. The smell of bacon, sausage and broken dreams wafted to my nose and I breathed it in deep. My stomach gurgled in excitement...or in preparation for what was about to come. It was a well-known fact, if you eat at the Waffle House the chances you will shit your pants is a great possibility. Unless you had an iron-walled gut like mine thanks to years of meticulous Diet Coke and Flaming Cheetos training.
I was about to head into the land of lard and butter when I noticed an open all night convenience store next door. Taking a look at my ragged turtleneck and Fang's bare-chested, leather clad, Chippendale ensemble, I had a brilliant idea. I was becoming a regular savant these days.
Popping open the hatch, Bubbles growled like a honey badger with a hangnail and lunged out at me. I easily dodged her attack and she toppled out onto the asphalt. Grabbing my purse, I patted her on the head.
"Better luck next time, Court."
"My name is Courtanya!" she spat scrambling up onto her feet.
"Yeah, yeah...whatever. Fang, keep cupcake there on a short leash. I'll be right back."
Not waiting for a response which I'm positive was going to be full of whining and dire warnings, I broke into a trot and hustled over to the store. Walking in, I had a flash from the past from my Superpumper days. Standing by the rows of junk food, I took it all in. The smell of diluted Pine Sol, the squeak of the hotdog roller as sad, wrinkled, overcooked wieners spun round and round, the whir of the slushy machines...it was all music to my ears. A bored teenager sat behind the counter, flipping through a magazine and munching on Corn Nuts. Bad move, dude. That amateur mistake was going to give you some hellacious gas within a few hours.
Shaking off the nostalgia, I quickly made my way over to the dejected rack of t-shirts and started rifling through them. Oh dear baby Jesus, I was in kitschy tourist hell as I pulled out one Sasquatch shirt after another. What the hell was the fascination with a big hairy ape man walking through the woods?
Grimacing I pulled out a hideous camo-green shirt proudly proclaiming Sasquatch Stole My Underpants with a depiction of the beast in a pair of tighty-whities. I had to admit, it was kind of funny...horrible color, but at least it was amusing. Keeping that off to the side for myself, I continued to delve into redneck heaven until I found the only 3X shirt that looked remotely big enough to fit Fang's muscly frame.
Though I immensely enjoyed gorging myself on his rippling beefcake buffet, I really didn't relish the idea of sharing the view with some waffle waitress. Besides, maybe if I covered him up with Gone Squatchin', I could actually focus on something other than playing Tickle Me Elmo with my tongue across his abs. Holding up the shirt I had chosen, I sighed. He wasn't going to like it, but I jerked it off the hanger and took the two shirts to the counter. Beggars couldn't be choosers and right now, my need for a sweet cream pecan waffle with a side of my weight in bacon, overtakes his self-respect.
That'll be $59.90," the clerk said shoveling another handful of Corn Nuts into his already overstuffed mouth and not looking up from his comic book.
"For some ugly t-shirts?" I yelped, feeling personally offended. They were a polyester blend for Christ's sakes!
He shrugged his shoulder. "Take it or leave it."
"Fine," I muttered, thinking there was a special place in hell for convenient store owners who radically ripped off customers so they could pay for their hair plugs and wife's fake boobs. Personally I hoped their plugs sprouted lice and the boobs deflated as I opened my purse.
Digging through it, I realized I only had five bucks and a handful of change. Oh...and a lifesaver. Blowing off the lint, I popped the minty candy in my mouth. Crunching down on it, I contemplated what I should do. I did have my credit cards, but technically I was dead. Well...not really...but according to Fang, I had perished in a horrendous gas explosion a few days ago. Would they even still work?
Shrugging my shoulders, I tossed him my MasterCard. What the hell, if it did go through it's not like they can expect me to pay for it. I was, after all, dead. You can't drain blood from a turnip. But, then again...maybe you could. I looked at the figure of a blurry Bigfoot tromping across the front of Fang's shirt. Heaven knows I've been running into all sorts of Ripley's Believe It or Not shit since becoming a vampire.
For all I knew, there could very well be a mutant crop of tubers just biding their time before they take over the world and seek revenge against the human race for turning them into delicious side dishes for generations. It's good thing I had a strict no veggie policy when it came to my dietary consumption. I would be safe from the uprising, but those poor vegetarians were going to be the first on the hit list.
"Do you want a bag?" asked the teen, as he flipped the page in his comic book to an advertisement for Sea-Monkeys.
"No thanks," I mumbled, grabbing the shirts and heading out as a wave of homesickness rolled over me. Even with all my new vampy powers, I had to admit...I kind of missed my old life.
Walking back to where Fang and the homicidal maniac waited, I realized I would never again grow Sea-Monkeys. Which, technically were a rip. I never actually grew anything but algae with little specs of floating dead brine shrimp. But the thought of never again doing regular mundane crap like calling in sick to work to catch up on Netflix while you scarfed down an entire box of Bugles off the tips of your fingers was...well...depressing.
"Here." Tossing Fang his shirt, I yanked my shredded turtleneck off and with a wince...pulled on my new sporty Sasquatch fashion mistake. Turning, I headed towards the doors of the Waffle House. If I ever needed something smothered in country gravy, it was now.
Fang trotted up behind me and grabbed my elbow before I could open the door while slipping on his shirt.
"Red, this is not a good idea," he said, slightly muffled as his handsome head popped out of the collar.
"Why?" I snapped, jerking my arm away. Remember earlier when I said I was tired and grouchy? Yeah...I still was, but now you can add homesick, hungry and being forced to wear a camo polyester nightmare to that list. I needed sugar dammit and nobody was going to stop me.
"We need to keep moving. The sooner we make it to the compound, the better." His voice had taken on that hard sexy edge and I waffled. Which was actually quite funny since I was standing outside a restaurant with a humongous waffle suspended on the roof.
"Compound?" I asked, trying in vain not to notice how tightly his shirt clung to each and every dip and cranny of his physic.
"The compound?" Courtanya squeaked, dropping the rock she had forged out of the landscaping to crack my head open like a coconut.
Was there an echo in here?
Fang breathed out a long exasperated breath. "The compound is where my brothers are and they're expecting us."
"You have brothers?" My mind ground to a halt. There's more of him? Letting my eyes wonder over his expansive chest, around his lean hips wrapped in leather...I squeed a little. Holey Moses on a pogo stick! Imagine...more Fang's running around the world.
"They are not your brothers, your Majesty!" Courtanya spat.
Well, there went that happy little fantasy, which included palm frawns, a chaise lounge and being feed Cheetos by a whole pack of bare-chested vampires. Talk about your buzzkill.
"Courtanya," Fang warned, giving her a growl.
She smartly took a step back, but her mouth was stuck on stupid. "You cannot associate yourself with those...those...heathens, your Majesty."
"Heathens?" I perked up at the word. If Bubbles thought they were infidels, then they were my kind of people.
"Yes! They are outlaws. Common thieves who have no respect for the Vamprye Elders and the ways of our people. I will not allow it!" She stomped her petite foot as she put her hands on her hips and glared at Fang.
"They protect the Colony," Fang barked at her.
"They break the rules!" Courtanya yelled back
Yup, these folks definitely sounded like my kind of peeps.
Fang stepped closer to her and loomed over my little minion, but she didn't back down. Either she had one huge set of brass balls under those capris or she was a few cards short of a full deck. I'm thinking Bubbles didn't have enough to play Go Fish.
"They do it so you and your Mistress can live safely in your precious little world. For that, they were outcast because the Colony clings blindly to their foolishness."
"You are the King! Your father upheld those rules with pride and dignity. If he could see what has become of his son," she leaned in closer until her and Fang were almost nose to nose. Well... it would have been more nose to bellybutton if he wasn't still looming over her. "He would be ashamed."
A vicious roar came out of his mouth and I hustled between him and the still seething Courtanya before he swallowed her up and spit her out. Dumb as she was, I felt sort of responsible for her. She was like my puppy who had just squatted and peed all over his carpet.
"Okay...everyone just chill out," I said, pushing the two away from each other. "This is why we need a break. We're getting on each other's nerves."
"And you think waffles is going to fix that," Fang grumbled, still snarling at Bubbles.
"Waffles fix everything," I said brightly, pushing the little shit behind me.
He looked up into the night sky and I knew he was counting to ten. In what language was totally a guess at this point, but if I had to hazard one...I would pick Russian. It seemed to be his go-to linguistic choice when he was upset.
"I really must protest, Red," he said a little more calmly through his eyes still glowed ominously.
"Really?" Not that I was surprised.
"Yes. It is unwise for us to stay in one place too long."
"You really hate this idea, don't you?" I beginning to wonder if he was even an American. I mean, seriously? Who doesn't want waffles?
"As you would say...totally."
"Too bad." Grabbing Courtanya's hand, I dragged her into the Waffle House.
"I do not wish to be here either," she whispered hotly, wiggling and dragging her feet behind me.
"You don't get a vote and I suggest you shut your trap before he drains you like a Capri Sun."
She had the nerve to look affronted. "He wouldn't dare. Immortal blood is poisonous to Vampyre."
"There is more than one way to skin a cat," I muttered, pushing her over to a corner booth and scooting in beside her. "Now zip it."
Before she could get any devious ideas, I grabbed her butter knife and then, after a moment, her fork leaving only the spoon behind. But with the way her mind worked, I quickly snatched that too. She could eat with her fingers. I didn't feel like pulling cheap cutlery out of my body.
Eventually, Fang walked in and reluctantly plunked down in the bench seat across from us. His long legs tangling with mine under the chipped table.
Wrinkling up his nose, "This place smells hideous," he complained.
Somebody needed a nap.
"Howdy, welcome to the Waffle House." A young, blonde waitress with pigtails came bouncing up to our table. She stopped long before her chest did. "Can I get you something to drink?" she asked. Not me. Not Courtanya, but Fang.
He gave her a tight smile, but shook his head no as he started peruse the menu. She didn't even blink, but kept staring at him with that dazed and dazzled look plastered to her face. Her perfectly, gorgeous face attached to perky big boobs, long thin legs wrapped in a shitty uniform with terrible shoes...complete with a sugar wouldn't melt in my mouth smile. I wanted to scratch out her brilliant blue eyes.
"Ahem...," I coughed. When she turned to look at me, I gave her a little wave. "Hello there. I would like a large hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, please."
"We're out of hot chocolate," she said, but not to me. Between the time I got her attention and placed my order, she had somehow went back to ogling Fang.
I sighed heavily, drawing her attention. Fang lifted an eyebrow, but said nothing as his lips turned into a smirk. The jerk. He knew damn well the waitress was about to whip off her panties at any moment and serve herself up to him on a platter.
"Excuse me? Miss?" I snapped my fingers and brought her focus back to me. "We'll take three All-Star specials with pecan waffles and three Diet Cokes." I left off the please this time and I swear, if she didn't stop making goo-goo eyes at Fang, she wasn't going to get a tip either.
"I don't eat the food of commoners," Bubbles sniffed, folding her arms across her chest. "And this place is absolutely filthy."
I moaned and put my head in my hands. Here I was, fresh from escaping out of a dungeon, stuck on a road trip from hell with a wretched evil beast whose mouth never stopped and wants me dead, but is so cute she reminds you of kittens and a sexy vampire who dang near has women throwing themselves out of cars to be near him. And now...no hot chocolate. Could this night possibly get any worse?
Poor Mel. No hot chocolate and stuck with two pouty table companions...is she right? Can things get any worse? Stay tuned to find out!
Author's Note:
Hello my FANGED Fiends!
I hope you enjoyed this latest installment and if you like it, will consider giving it a vote. I also love hearing from you and comments are always appreciated. If you don't see any updates here...don't forget to check out my other works Bending Steele, When Roses Collide and Steal You away.
As always, thank you so much for reading my stories!
Sincerely,
K