Slowly, I turned and saw a teeny girl with cropped blond hair wearing a cute, light blue tunic top and white capris pants. Her sandals were so sublime, I almost squealed. They were an adorable pair of Prada crisscross leather espadrilles in nude. The very same pair I drooled over in last year's spring catalog. My fingers practically itched to touch them.
"Who are you?" she asked again in a sweetly polite voice.
With great effort, I pulled my eyes away from her amazing shoes and locked eyes with the biggest set of brown eyes I'd ever seen outside of a pet shop. She couldn't have been more than sixteen years old and was scrawny as hell. I instantly had the urge to make her sandwich or take her to McDonalds for a happy meal.
Judging by the cutting shears in her hands and the fact she was standing in the sun, it didn't take Nancy Drew to figure out she was one of the immortal minions Fang had been talking about. See? I do pay attention from time to time. You might want to mark that on your calendars.
"Um...I'm Mel?" I said hesitantly. I wasn't sure if I should have given her my real name or not, but frankly...I couldn't come up with a suitable fake one. Now...if this had been an episode of James Bond, I could have easily pulled off a name like Pussy Galore. Pun totally intended. But, since I didn't think this was a Bond worthy moment, I decided to stick with the one I was born with.
"What's your name?" I asked, since we were making mannerly conversation and all.
"I'm Courtanya. Are you new here?" She tilted her head, blinking those puppy dog eyes up at me. I was actually taller than someone for a change. Go figure.
Confusion had me momentarily speechless before I finally understood what she meant. She thought I was a newly acquired immortal. Huh...I thought they had quite making those? I needed to discuss this with Fang. Either he had fibbed or there was way more hanky-panky going on here at Payton Palace than he realized.
"Yup, brand spanking new." I said, smiling at her.
She gasped at me, her brown eyes narrowing to twin little slits. "You are vampyre," she hissed, pointing her shears at me.
Ruh-roh, Shaggy. I took a step back, pulling my lips over my teeth. Drat! I was more busted than Milli Vanilli. Way to go Melanie, some Bond girl you turned out to be! I had just given away my cover in less than a minute. Probably a new record for me. At least she had called me vampire and not an abomination.
"You are the abomination my Mistress warned us about," she spat.
Well...so much for that silver lining bullshit. "Who's your Mistress?" I asked, though I had a horrid feeling I knew exactly who she was talking about.
"Mistress Druilla told us of a cunning, demon spawn with flaming hellfire hair who would bring destruction and pestilence to our people."
Druilla thought I was cunning? Tubular! My pleasure was quickly doused when the little cutie started stalking towards me with garden shears raised and murder in her brown eyes. Which, I have to tell you, weren't so damn adorable anymore.
"Now wait a minute," I said quickly, backpedaling. "I draw the line at pestilence. I've never even had lice growing up. And as far as destruction goes," I shrugged my shoulders, "she's the one who went all yanky the wanky on the statues."
"You will never be a vampyre or suitable for the King," she fumed, taking a swipe at me.
Fortunately, I had my super vampy senses and I could track her movements as if she was moving in really, really slow motion and I easily dodged it. I looked around for anything I could use as a deterrent. I didn't want to hurt her, though I would be totally in my right. But somehow, it would be like kicking the ass of Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls. Besides, anyone who had that great of taste in shoes deserved to live. Now, if she had been wearing jelly shoes or clogs, that would be a different matter altogether.
I spotted some more minions hanging out off in the distance trimming bushes and mowing the acres of grass. I figured even if I could get their attention, they would be no help. They belonged to the Colony or worse...more of Druilla's fan club groupies. Either way, it amounted to the same thing. Well, at least I could effortlessly stay out of Bubble's target zone, I thought as I avoided another jab. Seriously, how cute was she waving those shears around like band leader's baton?
"...proves the point," she said, lunging at me again.
I jumped to the side. "What? I wasn't listening."
She gritted her teeth. "I said, Mistress was right about you being unnatural. You being able to withstand daylight only proves the point. But, what she never told me, was how dense you were as well."
"Hey! Watch the nasty comments. Just because I'm special doesn't make me unnatural."
"And to think, she was worried about you mating Drake and becoming Queen." She snorted in disgust.
"What?" The abrupt subject change had my hamster stumbling in its wheel. "Druilla was worried I would become Queen?"
Giving me a withering glare, she nodded her head. "I told her she need not have worried. My Mistress is a fine, beautiful woman blessed with many talents that you could not even possibly in your wildest dreams imagine."
"Gag me with a spoon." I rolled my eyes as I ducked another one of her fruitless strikes.
"Shut up, you mutant spawn of the devil! I will not listen to any further affronts about my Mistress from your vile mouth. Drake will come to his senses and he will see what a pitiful mate you would make a great King such as him. After I kill you, nothing will stop my Mistress from taking her rightful place by his side."
Alright, there were a few things I was getting sick of. One...I was tired of the whole abomination, unnatural and all the rest of the nasty slurs against my delightful person. Two...I was getting mighty sick of these women spazzing out over Fang and trying to kill me to get to him! If I managed to get out of this alive, I was so going to give him a big piece of my mind.
"Okay, Courtney, let's get a few things straight," I said calmly as we continued to circle around Gizmo like we were doing some weird square dance. Round and round the car we go, if you don't do-si-dos she'll pop you in the head like a hoe. A giggle bubbled up my throat, but I smartly swallowed it back. Considering how much snarling she was doing, I doubt she would have appreciated my sense of humor.
"My name is Courtanya," she snapped.
"Can I call you Court?"
"No!" Diving towards me, she slashed at my neck like she was trying to dismember me as if I was a deadite from the Evil Dead.
"Fine...Courtanya," I drawled, rolling my eyes. I never understood people getting all butt hurt about shortening their names. I mean, people called me Mel all the time and you don't see me getting all mental about it. The only time I understood people getting miffed about nicknames is when by some strange circumstances, Richard gets changed to Dick. Really? How does that even happen? Or how do you take Richard and end up with William? Or Bill, for that matter. It's like one of the Seven Wonders of the World...completely unexplainable.
"...is dedicated to you."
"What?" I jerked to the left as she tried to take another stab at me.
"Will you pay attention? In case you haven't noticed, I am trying to kill you."
"Yeah, well it might surprise you, you're not the first one to give it a whirl. People trying to kill me is getting kind of old and boring at this point." I sighed, stepping to the side as she bounded past me. "Listen, you and old Cruilla in there don't have to worry about me. I don't want him. I never wanted him. Hell, up until two days ago, I didn't even know who he was."
Okay...that was a teeny, tiny white lie. I wanted him. I wanted him more than I wanted Jimmy Choo to have a BOGO sale, but I didn't want him want him.
"I'll admit between us girls, I wouldn't mind some kinky jungle sex with possible Tarzan bellowing with him," I shrugged a shoulder. "Because, let's face it, he's hella hot, but I don't want to marry him or...um...mate him to become his Queen of the living dead."
"How dare you speak of our King in such a way!" she bellowed, her face turning bright red. In a violent rage, she charged towards me, hacking wildly. Holy Moses on a pogo stick! She looked like Freddy Kruger on meth with a snoot full of Red Bull.
I patiently waited for her to get in reaching distance and then I swatted her shears out of her hand as if they were nothing more than a pesky fly before she hurt herself.
"Stop that," I admonished her. "You're going to poke somebodies eye out."
"You...you..." Her chest rose and fell with her frustration as she struggled for words. I confess, I have that effect on people. "You harlot! You devil's whore! You rotten scum of Satan's c..."
Whatever! Having had enough of her nastiness, I did the only thing I could think of. I head-butted her and she crumpled to the ground at my feet.
"I warned you about the rude comments. And those are last year's shoes, beyotch," I sniffed.
I made my way to Gizmo and yanked open the door, I was about to slide in when a thought occurred to me. I know, two in one day...I was on a roll. Walking back over to where I left Druilla's champion, I looked down at her unconscious form. She looked almost as if she was asleep, if you ignored the large goose egg forming in the middle of her forehead. Despite her fragile looks, she was rather formidable and...full of information. Particularly, Druilla information which was almost as valuable as my Starbucks free muffin card. Deciding she would be my own personal walking, talking Google, I scooped her up and carried her to the back of Gizmo.
Besides, I thought as I stuffed her in the back, it wasn't like I could just leave her lying there. That would be rude. Once I had her situated in the back, I closed the hatch. Feeling a bit like a mobster, I ran around to the driver's side and got in. With a quick pat to the dash, I fired Gizmo up. Relieved when he started on the first try.
The sun had now sunk below the hills and dark shadows started to creep long fingers around the mansion making it look more threatening. Like that was possible, I snorted throwing Gizmo into reverse and flipping a bitch in the middle of the driveway.
As a little going away present, I randomly knocked over every potted begonia along the way and did no less than three donuts in their pristinely manicured lawns. Immortal minions were in an uproar as I sped towards the gate. The locked gate. SHIT! I laid hard on the brake and Courtanya came flying up from the back, smashing into the dashboard before flip-flopping halfway into the front seat. Whoopsie...sorry Bubbles.
Shoving her head, I managed to work her body into the back. But at this point, I was thinking it might have been safer for her if I had strapped her down on the roof like a blond Christmas tree. Nervously, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw a hoard of immortals headed in my direction. Torches, pitchforks and weed-whackers raised towards the sky. Oh crap.
Commotion from the guard shack caught my attention and another couple of pissed of immortals where headed my way. Only these guys weren't like the tiny Courtanya. They were more like a couple of tag team WWE wrestlers who watched Road House like it was religion. Double crap!
Grinding Gizmo into reverse, I sped backwards narrowly missing another group of minions as they swiped at my car like a bunch of toddlers at T-ball. It was immortal demolition derby as I swerved around like a maniac trying to avoid hitting one hoe waving immortal after another. After a bit, some of them got smarter and it turned into a rip roaring game of dodgeball. Or in this case, dodge the boulders being hurtled at my car. Drat! Where was Fang when I actually wanted him around?
As if by magic, he popped out of the ground like Punxutawney Phil out of his hole to declare six more months of winter and promptly ghosted, reappearing feet in front of me. Oh my, I was never happier to see him and I honked my horn in glee. Turning, he gave me a thumbs up before he started tossing minions to the side as if he was a flower girl tossing rose petals down the aisle. I slowly kept pace behind him, careful not to use any of the buggers as speedbumps.
We were almost to the gate when the two heavy weights jumped Fang, climbing him like a jungle gym. A blur of fists and the thuds of landing blows reached my ears as I watched him show those two who really was the boss. Holy smokes Batman, did Fang know what he was doing. It was poetry in motion as he spun, kicked, punched and blocked those two meatheads into the dirt until they were nothing more than twitching bodies on the ground.
Running for the gatehouse, he must have threw the lever or whatever mechanism needed, because the gates started to open. I revved the engine as he hauled ass and folded himself inside. With his kneecaps up to his earlobes, he grinned at me.
"Ready, Red?"
"Dropping Gizmo into gear, I gave him a full fanged smile. "I feel the need...the need for speed, Goose."
"What's Goose?" he asked, giving me a blank stare and raising that persistent eyebrow of his.
Well...that shot my Maverick moment all to hell. Shaking my head, I tromped on the gas and sped away from Satan's special hideaway in the woods.
They managed to escape! Now what?
Stay tuned for the next installment of FANGED to find out!
Authors Note:
Hello my Fanged Friends!
As you know, I've working my fingers to the bone trying to keep my stories updated, but alas...I need to take a little break from all these scheduled updates.
As some of you are aware, I need to do some "life" things which are rudely going to interrupt my ability to keep up with the pace I have set.
Now...don't worry. I will still be updating and by no means does this mean I won't finish these books we have all grown to love. It simply means that they won't be updated as regularly as they have been.
I sincerely hope you will stick beside me through these adjustments and I promise, as soon as I get caught up with things at home, I will put everybody back on schedule. FANGED will still be updated on Fridays...because I'm rather attached to the whole "FANGED Friday" thing. But...it may not be EVERY Friday.
I can't tell you how much your support has meant to me and your outpouring of love for our little misguided Mel. I love all your comments and interacting with you as we take this wild ride together.
To have an easier time of keeping up with the random installments, do give me a follow and don't forget to check out my Facebook page for the latest news and general fun! You can find me at K. M. Halandras. I look forward to seeing you there!
If you don't see any updates here, feel free to check out my other stories Bending Steele, When Roses Collide and Steal You Away. Thanks again!