Today's been a year since I first start posting this story. WOW, and so to celebrate, like I told you, I'd decided to write a bonus a bit different.
_pinkscorpio, since you were the only one who actually answered when I asked what chapter should I rewrite, this one is for you <33
|| Chapter 27 ||
CONNOR's POV
The first thing I noticed when I woke up was the dead weigh pinning me down. Someone's body was laying over mine, and even if lightly, it was still way too much contact. At first I was overwhelmed by shock, what the hell? But then I noticed the now faint strawberry scent I kinda grew familiar and knew exactly who she was.
Alyson.
Blinking my eyes open I noticed my dark room and the laptop put away to the side with a couple of left uneaten cinnamon rolls. Last night we put on a movie, and I fall asleep again. And so must have her as now she layed over me, head over my chest, her legs tangled with mine and her arms loosely across my waist.
There was too much contact.
I waited for the anger to overpower me, for the panic to kick in, but nothing hit me. I remained half dozed, noticing how my deep breaths lure me to doze off right there, her strawberry scented hair under my nose and the weight of her tiny body pinning mine down.
Maybe the fact that she was as harmful as a kitten was what was keeping me from panic? It'd been so long since I'd tolerate physical contact that wasn't from my family without freaking out.
And now Alyson?
This was so weird. Everything about me when it comes to her was weird. Like I didn't even know myself anymore.
What I thought I would feel, what I allowed myself to think; it all gets twisted because for some reason there was a fault in my system whenever she was involved. Whenever she was in the room. Or maybe I was the fault in the system, and she somehow made me feel less broken. Like I wasn't deceiving her, nor having to pretend for her to be interested in being around. Which I would never do, so I guess it was good she was willing to put up with all this mess.
I didn't know how to explain it. All I knew was that I didn't like people, but she was cute. I couldn't sleep for longer than a few hours, and yet this was the second time in a month where she stayed over and I manage a full night free of nightmares. All I knew is that I couldn't bare people touching me, and without knowing I had brought one hand to tangle lightly with her smooth, dark hair, falling down her back.
And Alyson stirred. I scowled at myself unable to understand my messed up brain process.
I was acting so weird lately. And mostly because of her.
I thought of moving the hand away, but then she would know I was awake, and rather see how would she reacted. Would she pull away? Be repulsed? Scandalize by being this tangled? Bless herself? She was a church girl after all. Whatever it was, it might help me move on with this infatuation I had.
Because -of course- the time I feel like I could actually get to know someone that would see pass the hatred and ice I build around, that had to be a fucking church girl that blushed when someone curse. How ironic was that? What were the chances?
But I got the sudden urge to snort because not only it happened, but I was becoming used to her presence, addicted to her presence. The wager-swaps didn't push her away, the fights last night didn't push her away, and at this point I wasn't even sure I wanted to keep testing it.
So I let my arm where it was across her lower back and hope she would take it as an involuntary move and not the madness that urged me to touch her hair.
Surprisingly, I wasn't only not panicking, but I was also calm about this. About the situations, about the contact, about have fallen asleep with Alyson once more. About waking up with her.
Because I knew she was now awake as well, even if she made no move as she too seized the situation. She shifted barely a little, but otherwise remained still. She didn't pull away, and by now I was sure I wasn't disappointed by it.
From where I was I couldn't see her face, just the top of her head and the tip of her nose. And also her lashes she her eyes fluttered open, but she still didn't move, nor react.
Was she remembering too last night? What I told her? I almost flinched because then I remember I basically told her she made me soft. As I waited for Alyson to give away anything I began noticing my own consequences of last night: the dull ache of my raw knuckles, the itch in my brow and lip, the few bruises that idiot punch on me... No bog deal. I'd been worst.
All of the sudden she shifted and I stirred, unprepared as she halted. Was she trying to leave? There were soft sunlights coming from the window, but I couldn't be sure what time it was. Maybe she had something to do?
Or maybe she's regretting this and just want out.
But before I could give into the dark thoughts menacing to cloud my mind, there was a soft brush against the skin of my arm; sending a chill straight to my chest. A gentle trace, almost absentmindly, but before I could make out what it was, it was followed by a second and a third and I finally allowed my gaze down to see her finger following the path of the dark ink in my arm and I almost felt her smile when the chills manifest in my skin as goosebumps. She was tracing my tattoos, touching me, and I once more braced myself for the panic to kick in.
But there wasn't. No fear, no pain... just confusion. Confusion because what I did feel was way more pleasant and sweet than what I should allow myself to feel.
But there it was. And no only I grew aware of her attentions, but also of her body heat, her skin meeting mine, her weigh almost entirely on top of me, her scent, her everything. I could feel my heart picking up as Alyson kept going, slowing her movements as if giving me the chance to tell her to stop.
Should I?
I could feel her breathing getting shallower too, and my stomach twitched. What was going on?
I finally decide to break the silence: "What are you doing?"
But instead of getting intimidated, I felt her cheek moving into a smile against my chest, casually tracing the deep curve of a G on my inner arm. A shiver travelled down my spine.
"I don't know." she mumbled back, her finger stilted for a second before resuming the lazy patterns that were slowly driving me mad. "Do you want me to stop?"
Good question.
It took me a few seconds longer than it should to actually come out with an answer enough honest with this chaotic mess eating me from inside: "I don't know."
And I didn't.
A part of me just loved the weird new feeling, something I rarely experienced, and the other was already tensing, freaking out that my stupid trauma would be triggered at any moment.
But it didn't. And I couldn't tell if this growing frustration was for my tension and inability to just function normally or if it was for the unknown reaction she was accomplishing with so little.
My eyelids fell, blocking everything else and just focussing on the now.
Why was a simple caress so absorbing? It didn't make sense. It was as it my whole skin burned and melt from the spreading chills of her wandering finger.
But I guess my controlling wasn't as unbothered as I intended and she halted, making my eyes snap open again. Why didn't she keep going? There was a faint, bitter disappointment settled in the pit of my stomach. Fucking stupid.
From the angle I was, I couldn't see her face as she stilted, but moved her hand from my arm to the mattress beside it, the other pressing on the bad too and she pushed to move her body off mine.
Bad idea.
Because the moment she moved, I became aware of far more contact than the simple innocent tracing and instinctively my arm around her back pressed, keeping her still. Which I'm not sure if it made it better or worst. Chills spread across my skin and the building pleasure unlashed some more as the part of me that seemed to like it the most pressed against her stomach.
Damn.
She gasped, feeling it too, and a mix of self-consciousness and hyper awareness broke through me. I was sure she's never felt a dick before and that thought only unsettled my stoicism all the more. There was something about her innocence that was just so... enticing. It drew me in, and if I wanted to escape further embarrassment I needed to stop thinking about it right now.
"Don't do that." I hissed, pulling myself together and letting her go. The moment she was free from my grip Alyson rolled off me and just like that brushed us together harder before he fully got off. Fuck me. "It's a morning thing." I excused taking the pillow and dragging it over the mess.
She nodded, sitting on her heels, her hair all over the place, my shirt too big around her and her face flushed, making my ears tingled too.
But then she spoke: "I'm sorry."
And there she goes again taking me by surprise. She tent to do that often and I was getting more and more convince it didn't annoy me as much as I thought it did in the beginning. It kept me on my toes and I kinda dig it.
"Why are you sorry?"
"I... I'm... I just am."
I scoffed, getting off the bed and somehow I was glad she keep her eyes on her hands over her lap, because I couldn't be sure what my reaction would be if we lock gazes now.
Nothing, I thought, pushing the room's door and stride into the hallway towards the bathroom. I would do nothing because there is nothing to do.
I just needed a cold shower. It wasn't everyday I get to woke up with a girl in my bed... more like never. Actually, it was even a miracle I get to wake up at all. Usually it was long nights of dozing off without actual sleep. Afraid of what would happen when my eyes close, afraid of what I would remember...
I shuddered, locking the bathroom door and letting out a sharp breath, dropping the pillow and sliding my hands through my hair, a weird feeling pinching in my chest but it wasn't the apprehension I was waiting for. It was something different. Shame? No. Not entirely, at least.
What the fuck?
Cold shower.
I just decided to get through it and hope for it all to go away. It was stupid. And what was even more stupid? Only after turning off the water I realized in my rush I hadn't brought any clean clothes with me.
Fucking awesome.
I wrapped the towel around my hips, getting anxious already as I opened the door and the hallway's breeze brushed against my damp skin, making goosebumps appear. I hated this. I hated being too sensitive. I hate that I couldn't let anyone that wasn't a family member close enough to even touch.
I hated being this mess. And that messed me up all the more.
You didn't think so when she woke up in your arms, didn't you?
But I shook the thought away. It was already all complicated enough to think about that on top of everything.
Thank fuck, my room was empty when I reached it. No signs of Alyson anywhere and I could breathe easier. From the faint noises coming from downstairs, I could tell she was doing something down there. What? I had no clue, but that gave me some time to organize my thoughts now that at least I'd gotten rid of the confusing tension.
I couldn't be feeling this for Alyson.
Alyson.
Just no.
I'd assumed this part of life and relationships was banned for me after everything. I accepted it, but then came in an innocent, naive church girl and suddenly I felt this? Emotionally, physically... it wasn't even funny how ironic it all was.
I close the door behind me, breathing easier at the sense of security it gave me. The familiarity of this four walls, giving me some kind of reassurance because ever since I open my eyes I'd felt like I'd been tossed into the unknown and couldn't even began to deal with it all.
It was my easy way of dealing with complications: pushing it all to the back of my brain and deal with it later. Probably. But could I did that when the complication was apparently wandering on the first floor.
I shrugged in the first cloths I could find, sliding my fingers thought my hair to tame it and slid on my rings. Except the black one I remember then I let Alyson keep the night before. Now my pinky felt naked and my heart did that weird twitch once more.
Just then my phone beeped, snapping me out my own stupidity and I took it from the nightstand where I'd left it last night.
TREVOR: where is my car?
Guess the idiot just woke up. Impressive. Considering how bad he got last night I almost expect him to sleep the whole day through.
CONNOR: 2Â houses down. You didn't want us to wake your parents
TREVOR: Right. tnx
So, did you get laid?
I almost scoffed out loud. All my muscles flexing in reaction. Of course he would assume something like this. I brought Alyson to the fights. I gave in to his provocations last night, as he wanted to know more about what our bond was than what I was telling him -which was nothing.
But I guess I kinda get his confusion. I never brought girls. I never really interact with others them unless it was for a match of I was really wasted; and the last hook ups I'd have, had been on those terms and because he basically insisted and gets a bit too prying for me to avoid the questioning if I didn't give him a reason as to why I act this way.
I mean, Trevor was cool, I guess. He was annoying at first, but stick around to make me used to him. He didn't push more than I could deal with, and he was fun to be around. Does that made us friends? I wasn't sure. I didn't really have those. I was too untreatable to be around long enough for it.
Do I want them? Not really. People tent to complicate my thin self control. Like I told Alyson last night, I didn't need people around all the time to pretend they care and snoop around. And there was Connor. And there was Alyson.
What the hell?
I shook my head and push my stupid thoughts aside before answering his obvious mock.
CONNOR: I know you didn't
TREVOR: Asshole
I rolled my eyes, finally gathering enough will to leave my room and down to the noises. It's okay. She stayed the night, we literally sleep together and, well the 'morning thing' happened. I took in a deep breath, confused again.
How am I supposed to act now?
As if nothing happened.
And how would she react?
Well... I'll have to find out.
The first thing I noticed entering the kitchen was that all the mess we left last night was put aside. She'd fucking cleaned it while I was dealing with my stupid moment of falter. Now I felt guilty. Or I would have if the very next thing I noticed wasn't her on the other end of the room, standing on her tip toes and trying to reach the furthest cabinet for the last mug placed there. But of course she wasn't tall enough to reach it.
I felt the familiar tension in my stomach as it flexed to hold back the actual smile to reach my lips. I didn't know when I grew that habit, I probably ever had it, but it was easier to conceal emotions than to display them for everyone to see. The could only lead to people reading too much into them and turning my own feeling against me. It was easier to conceal it all.
But sometimes it was hard.
Like 90% of the time I was with Alyson. Like now. And it was confusing me.
It was fucking confusing because when I stood behind her I felt her body heat and didn't panic. Because her scent absorbed me once more and I kinda enjoy it. And because It felt like everything escape my grasp lately when it comes to her and it was damn annoying, frustrating and infuriating but here I was.
I felt her breath changing when my hand rested against her hip, making a burn spread from my palm and up my arm as my other reach over her and easily took the mug for her.
She spun in my grip, dazzling me once more with the nearness and I tense my stomach once more as a new smile threatened to appear at her shy-baffled expression. But again: no panic. No repulsion or disgust, or anything other than a fluttering that started in my guts and spread like fire through my nerves.
I noticed she was in her clothes once more, she'd gotten rid of my shirt and the orange yoga pants. Strangely, I kinda miss that look. There was something endearing in the way my shirt was way too big for her, and the yoga pants just fit her tightly and leave little to the imagination... which, again, was weird I like them on her like this because I don't feel that kind of attraction. Not really.
And yet here we were, all in my personal space and this stupid turmoil would only grow within me and I couldn't tell if I hate it or like it. I held her the mug, making her large, dark eyes snap down at it.
"Not only you're very sensitive, you're also tiny as hell."
"I'm not!" she defended, blushing, and took the mug. I pressed the now free hand against the cold counter by her other side, realizing my other was still resting on her hip. But did I pulled it away? No. And why should I? I was actually struggling with the idea of pulling her closer. "I mean, I'm short, but not tiny." she asserted, but her my firm tone felt more like a question than a statement.
"Can keep you in my pocket." I taunt her and couldn't stop the smirk this time as she narrowed her eyes, trying to look intimidating but resembling more a kitten. Snap out of it. "What are you doing today?"
The sudden question took us both completely aback. That isn't exactly snapping out of it.
"I need to pick up my grandmother for the mass and the I have worked at the Studio." she said, going along with my sudden questioning and I nodded at the lack of a better reaction. "Do you wanna come?" And again, she surprised me. "I-I mean, if you don't have plans. I don't mean that that you might don't have plans, " There she was, rambling again. She tends to do that a lot, mostly when she was nervous, and from the way she was rolling the mug in her hand I could tell she was. "I know you're a busy person, and you probably had tons of those. You, know all a bunch of people standing there and hearing the sermon, but it can be calming you know. Peaceful and freeing, but I guess you'll find it boring you don't... You know what? Never mind. And you probably don't even like the idea. Actually, it's an awful idea. Forget it."
Yeah, right.
"To mass?" I went back to the original topic and her cheeks blushed harder, waving it off.
"I know, never mind." and tore her eyes from mine, leaving somehow cold at the lost. Was she taking back the offer? I mean, going to church didn't sound thrilling at all... "C-could you get the other one?"
She pointed over her head where the other lonely mug rested and I realized I was still stepping in her personal space, that my hand was still on her hip and that when I leaned over her to take the mug she was pointing, her breaths hit my collarbone and stirred that goosebumps in a way I wasn't ready to dive in. In a way that felt too... that just felt too much.
Her breath hitched, probably noticing the lack of space too, and I looked down at her, which prove out to be the umpteenth bad idea of the day so far. Looking down at her like this we were literally inches away and I couldn't help to notice her lips parting, a breath away from mine and the idea of actually closing the gap struck me like a lightning. And then I felt the first spark of fear growing in my guts, but it was a different kind of fear.
One I still couldn't decide how I felt about.
I forced my gaze away and stepped back, feeling like I could breath again and tossed her the mug. Not my smoothest move, but I was too busy pretending I didn't have those confusing, powerful reactions to her basically existing around and took the other mug turning towards the cabinets for something to eat. Something that would divert my mind from these sensations.
But of course, she would make it hard to just pretend we were building this new kind of intimacy by suddenly saying: "I had fun. Last night."
I halted. Oh really? I turned to see her fiddling with her hands, blushing in the spot, but she kept her eyes on mine. She smiled once gaining my attention and did that nervous tick where she would tuck a strand of dark hair behind her ear.
"Thank you for inviting me." she stuttered cutely and that feeling laced harder within me. She was thanking me? For inviting her? Thanking me? "And for letting me stay."
I shrugged, unable to find a better response and gestured to the table, deciding maybe it would all feel normal if we just move pass it and fucking eat breakfast, move on and forget this weird situation.
She was Norah's friend, after all. Maybe mine, but Norah's. Everyone was Norah's friends. She was a social butterfly that attracts attention and people just wants to be around her. I didn't want to be the bridge to her, like I'd been in the past, but this felt different. Because Alyson already had my sister's friendship. And we did have this... chemistry... Right?
Against all odds because we couldn't be more different. But still there was some neutral turf. We booth skate, we both were into photography, she had patience with me, enough to give me the chance to actually be softer for her sake and I was trying. Also, the fact that she was so innocent and sweet kinda make me protective and that also didn't have anything to do with her being Norah's friend -like I thought int he beginning. There was some kind of alliance... but that was a too cold word to put it and I didn't feel comfortable with it anymore. Maybe it was a friendship after all.
Or something else, reminded me a wicked voice in the back of my head, because you don't want to kiss your friends, you don't hold them to sleep or have the kind of thought you thought were banned for you-
Stop.
It was pointless, stupid and we won't be going anywhere. She liked Brett Ryder, the cliche jock in our school, and if last night I told her that he wasn't worth of her, much less was I. So I better just push it all aside.
And so I did, forcing it all to the back of my head and set down the few things we had for breakfast: the remaining cinnamon rolls, a half empty box of cereal, orange juice and milk... Alyson watched me taking the stool by the table and laced her fingers together, eying the table as if unsure if it was there for her to pick.
A little ashamed, I remember the last time she had breakfast here, when she finish the cereals and I gave her shit for it. Because as much patience and good nature she had, I was still hard to deal with. Shaking my head to myself, I slid the cereal box closer to her and shrugged at her surprised look. And she smiled again.
"Thanks." Alyson served herself a bowl as I picked one of the cinnamon rolls instead. "So, what plans do you have for today?"
Now that's a good question. "Not sure yet. Depends on my mood."
"And what mood is that?"
Another good question. An uncomfortable one. Because if I couldn't read my own emotions much less set the tone to explain my mood to somebody else.
Instead, I focused on my breakfast, feeling the sting in my knuckles as they flex. With the shower and the movement the wounds from last night felt tender still, but it was a soothing ache, one I was used to, that brought some sense of familiarity with it. And same with the sting in my lip and eyebrow.
She sighed, focusing on her own breakfast when she realized I wasn't going to answer. "Well, I hope this is a good mood. After all, you had a stressful day yesterday, and you better take it carefully now."
A hint of vexation burned in my chest. "I'm fine."
"Yeah, right. I know." she rushed, as if sensing my change of moods and wanting to shut down but unable to stop herself from delivering further advises: "But still, take it easy. I remember this one time when I got hit with a swing and that hurt pretty much. I spend the next day sitting every five minutes because I keep getting dizzy-"
"You probably had a concussion." I deadpanned. "And how the hell you get hit by a swing?"
"W-well," Alyson gulped, rolling the spoon around the bowl fiddling with her remaining cereals there. "There's no need for the curses." her brows knitted together. "You do that a lot, have you noticed? And so on, I just happen to be walking by it... and it kinda hit me." Just like that? she shifted in her spot because -again- she just read me even if I had years of training in concealing my every thought. "I'm clumsy! you know that. And also I was little. Brett and I were in the park and we thought it would be fun to chase around the swings."
"Red heads are crazy."
She then gave me a side glance, half amused as she tried to read if I was being sarcastic or harmful. And as I said, she read through it all insultingly easily and she giggled. "Your sister's hair is pink."
"And she's the craziest of them all."
Alyson laughed, stirring that thing within me once more. "I guess I can't argue that. But whatever my point was that you did hit your head yesterday. Or rather they hit your head. You should probably take it slow and be patient."
"This isn't my first time, Alyson. I got this." Stop controlling me.
"Okay." she squirmed in her seat, detecting the aggravation in my voice.
I was getting the same vibes as when Norah tried to be all controlling, as when my parents insist for me to do what they want. The fights aren't as bad as they think, as long as I don't get mixed with the gangs it wasn't really that big of a deal, and pissing the big guys wasn't really in my plans. I knew that, and deep down they knew as well I wasn't fucked up enough to get into that kind of mess, but still decided to act like I might.
They were infuriating, always breathing down my neck. But also, there was something annoyingly endearing in seeing they care. And apparently, so did Alyson.
She shook her head, oblivious at my train of thoughts. "I'm worried about-"
"Worried about me." I finished for her in a deadpan, frustrated, annoyed but also... I don't know. Humored?
Alyson was always around always worried and always helpful. To me, who's proved to be hard to deal with. But here she was, looking at me like that, sticking around and allowing this whatever to even exist. She encouraged it with her way to wear her heart on her sleeve, and as much as I wanted to play it off it was evident there was something there for her as well.
I could feel my stomach tensing once more, resisting the urge to smirk. "One would think you like me at this point."
I honestly don't know why I even went and said so, or what kind of reaction would I expect from it, but Alyson choked on the milk, making a weird sound and coughed as she blushed once more.
Guess I hit closer than I thought? I didn't know how to feel about that.
"W-what?" Alyson screeched once she stopped coughing and impulsively I got up. Making it obvious it meant more that what she was letting on, that I had hit close. My lungs felt heavier now. She likes me? "I don't even know where this is coming from."
"I hear no denial here." I exulted as she put away the bowl on the sink, done with eating or trying to avoid the topic. I couldn't just let this go away and I'd grasp her wrist before even realizing I'd given the order and my heart sped and slowed at once as her large, doe eyes met mine again. This time I couldn't help a little twitch in my lips. "It's pretty obvious."
I was pushing it, I knew it, but she was still yet to deny it. Instead, I could feel her rapid pulse against my fingers and the cute way she blushed further.
And still she tried to act confident, snorting: "L-like you're someone to talk. You're the one t-that had a m-morning situation or whatever!" she did have a point, but the stuttering only confirm my odd assumptions. She did feel something. How mess up was that? How thrilling?
"Still, no denial." I scoffed, shifting my gaze to her wrist in my hold letting my fingers slid so they tangled with hers and wondering once more what made her different.
Usually I couldn't bare nearness at all, let alone skin to skin contact with anyone other than Norah or my parents, because I felt safe with them... but Alyson?
This was different -a good different, I was starting to realize.
"And you keep blushing. That's cute."
"C-come on." she looked away and proving me right again.
I looked back at her hand in mine, I was being weird, I knew that, proving my limits and trying to make sense... but she wasn't pulling away either. I took in the black ring on her thumb, a bit too loose on her small fingers and it allowed me to roll it as it made me more confused what it felt like to see it on her. Too altered and desperate to conceal it, I slouched back against the chair and she then stepped forward so the small distance remained.
I looked up at her again, noticing her as if seeing her for the first time. She was... plain. Dark eyes, almost black hair, petite and basic features and figure... Nothing about her seemed to scream for attention or be anything out of the ordinary, and yet there was something in the full pack that made her unique. Delicate, the kind of girl you look and immediately want to protect. And cute, beautiful even, and still the kinda girl next door.
Apparently the kind of girl to lure me as well. Against all odds.
But unable to handle a compliment. Like now, as she looked anywhere but me after the slip of telling her I found her blushing cute.
I felt a little smile menacing to break through. "It's fine. You are." I shrugged, confused myself. "Ask Ryder anytime."
A spike of vexation rumbled in my guts when I remembered last night she basically told me Brett Ryder almost kiss her. It shouldn't alter me. But I guess it all just went with this new set of feelings I was discovering lately. And this was the part that I hated, the insecurity and vulnerability. Because if I was indeed falling how I guess I was, Ryder would only complicate things.
Everyone knew the history with her and the jock, best friends forever and apparently at some point they hit puberty feelings come in and they drifted away. I knew he had something to do with her harassment in the schools, with Jade and Whickman; but she treat him differently than the other two. Always ready to forgive and justify.
Because she liked him right? That's what everyone assumed. They were that kind of cliche couple that everyone knew would end together in the end.
But would they?
"Connor." Alyson snapped me out my thoughts went to pull her hand away, but I keep it in mine. I don't fucking know why. Maybe for this new anticipations as we keep touching and the panic was yet to appear. Would it last? Her brows pinched together. "I told you nothing happened."
"So Ryder got cockblocked."
"N-no!" It was almost amusing how she freaked at slightest slur. But I couldn't really focus on that because I was getting irritated once more in her blatant defence of Ryder. "You don't even know him. He just got back and you're new. Why do you even hate him so much?" Good question. She was full of those this morning, but I couldn't voice an answer to any. Instead, I shrugged. "He's not as bad as you make him out to be."
"No?" What a fucking joke. Unable to keep sitting this sudden strike of rage propped me to stand as well and she had to crane my neck back at the change of angle, but forced herself to keep up with the eye contact. "He's the same shit as Wickman. As Jade."
But she was shaking her head, making me more vexed the more she defended him. "He's not-"
"He hurt you just as much." I pressed. Why couldn't she see it? "He left you." she flinched, but I keep on. "He allowed this shit to happen, because, what? He got jealous? He's the same shit or worse." I could tell another excuse was coming, but I had enough and cut her: "Photographic memory, remember? I saw him kissing Jade the day she attacked you and then coming to me for explanations."
"He didn't know!" Alyson protested, but it sounded so weak I doubted even she was believing it.
"Spare me." I snorted and she shook her head, stepping back and only as the new distance made her hand slid back to her side I realized we'd been still holding hands. There was a sudden emptiness at the lost and I was sure Alyson felt it too as she folded her arms shakily. "Why are you even getting this worked up? This had n-nothing to do with you."
"Why?" Why was she being so oblivious? I was trying, and the fact that she failed to made things easier... But no. I stepped closer. "Because I fucking-"
"Hello!" new voices interrupted us from the front door as it got opened and in came my mother, dropping her coat on the hanger and straight to the kitchen.
Way to cut a moment, I immediately stepped back, the turmoil within me a mess and I had a hard time concealing it all as my mother spot us.
I stepped away from Alyson to put some distance between us right before mom entered the room, coming straight to me.
"Good morning, sweetie." she kissed my cheek, shaming me in a way only mothers can do, but I used the anger within me to flue the embarrassment away. But she wasn't done and her thumb caressed the cut in my brow, making it sting again. "What's this?" her concern unsettled me and I pushed her hands away.
"I'm fine. Just fell off the skate."
She knew that wasn't the reason, her and my father were lately noticing something was off, but I doubted she would pursued it further with Alyson here. And for the flash in her eyes, I could tell I was right. My mother had written the 'we'll talk later' look all over her face.
"Oh, Connor, you need to be careful." I shrugged and her eyes found turned towards the girl still standing there, fiddling with her fingers as if feeling out of place. "Alyson." she greeted with a smile, not able to hide her surprise as she scanned the rest of the kitchen. "I thought Norah said the sleep over was at Macy's."
"Y-yes, her and Macy were. I'm here for, er, Connor."
Her brows shot upwards glancing between us in bewilderment and shock. "Oh really?" I rolled his eyes. Of course she would be surprised I brought a friend, let alone a girl home, but really? "Didn't know you two were friends now." I shrugged; seeing Alyson flushed red once more, kinda uncomfortable. About being here at all or about my mother's inquiring stares?
Once the initial disbelief settled down, my mother looked rather amused and I frowned at her, hoping she didn't say something weird or embarrassing or just anything at all. "Well, isn't that nice? So you stayed the night?"
Like that.
"So?" I snap and she giggled, toning down the obvious owe in the realization I did have friends -or whatever and poke her chin thoughtfully.
"Oh, I don't know, maybe it would have been nice of you to let us know someone was staying." there was a hidden hint in her tone, between humor and a warning and I narrowed my eyes at the insinuation.
"W-we just put on a movie and fell sleep." explained Alyson nervously.
"Now did you?" my mother tilted her head, like I just cracked the biggest joke and settle her eyes on me once more. "What movie?"
But then the front door closed and my attention was snapped towards my father entering the kitchen as well and him too was baffled at the company in here.
"Alyson." he nodded, taking in her presence there. "I didn't know Norah was staying after all."
My mom rolled her eyes. "No, Pit, she's here for Connor."
"Really?"
For fuck's sake.
"We're going." I settled, done with their prying and awkward questioning that was getting on both our nerves. I took Alyson's wrist, not in the mood to endure this further and tugged her after me out the kitchen.
"But we just got here!" protested my mother, but I knew she was just trying to get under my skin. In the living room was Alyson's bag already packed, good, I took it on the go and tossed her her hoodie and purse.
My father called for me as well, but I was already on the front door, pulling it open. "I'm out." and shut it back after us putting a block between us and their inquiring.
How messed up it was that the first time my parents see eyes to eye on something was the shock Alyson being here. Or being my 'friend'. I didn't know where their actual shock relies.
And of course she wouldn't stay quiet about it either: "It seemed like they had something to say-"
"Can you not?" I huffed and she sealed her lips, carefully slid on the hoodie now that the cold breeze from outside engulfed us and I forcefully sighed, sliding my hands through my hair in anger and frustration at the situation, at our interrupted conversation, at my parents messed up constant fights lately... it all was too much.
"You okay?"
I heard her ask, but it was like hearing someone underwater. Far away... My heartbeat rushing to my ears almost muffled her voice and it was taking everything in me to keep taking deep breaths to control it all. Or at lease try.
"Okay, don't answer. You're gonna say you're okay and you're not; so if you're really not going to tell me the truth," she kept talking and I try to hold on her voice, familiar at this point as she rambled. It was like there was a raging ocean in my brain, one that would push into destructive path, but in that storm I try to held on the calm familiarity of her tone. "I rather you would just choose to ignore me altogether and don't go for the 'I'm fine' thing, because then I know you would be lying and it'll mess me up."
Mess her up? I glanced at her from the corner of my eye, before shaking my head and tilting it back with a huff. How could I mess her up in any way? It was her that was fucking my resolution over and over and over and-
"It's just..." I started, but cut myself and groaned in frustration, pushing the turmoil in my mind away before it could swallow me whole.
My parents and their late going on and off was unsettling, unbalancing and they were literally the only stability I'd ever had. Even knowing they we likely coming to an end, even knowing they weren't good and hadn't been for a while, I really didn't even dare to contemplate what would go down if they split.
"They got away for a couple days." I tried again, my voice detached as I caged my heart to avoid the emotional distraught at voicing it. "No texts, no calls not a fucking note, and here they're back and wanting to play it like nothing happened?"
We move here hoping the change would do them good, but somehow the fight gone worse since then. And a few months ago they began trying all these therapies, disappearing every couple weekends even if none seem to work. And the worst was that they act like Norah and I didn't know. As we didn't hear their quarrels, as if we didn't know what was going on.
"Whatever." I scoffed, standing straighter and brushing away those little demonstrations of stress. I couldn't let this get through me. "So, are you doing something today or not?"
She smiled a little, nervously. "The mass, remember?" Right, she'd already answered me that. "And then I'm off to the studio... Again, you can come if you want."
To the mass? To the studio? I almost smile just at that though. "And do what?"
"I don't know. Have you ever been to a church?" I looked at her at the sudden question and she giggled. "Come on, why not try it?"
"Why do?"
"You don't have to convert or anything, just come and see what this is about."
"I'm sure the place would burn the moment I step in." I deadpanned and her eyes widened at his deadpan before a baffled laugh escaped her.
"Don't worry, I promise if the crucifix start turning I won't hold it on you."
This time I smirked, my mind still drifting to depressive, ragging thoughts, but it felt less suffocating now. I gestured down the front path towards the street. "Come on, I'll drop you home."
She talked the rest of my stress away for the walk home. That's another thing I was learning with our recent friendship: she talk and my brain soothe. Like a balsam.
And she talked a lot, more like rambled; sometimes not even saying anything, or over-talking something that wasn't really worth developing, but at this point I didn't care. I guess it compensate my complete lack of sharing skills and balance how little I converse with how much she did.
And I like to hear her talk. How she was passionate about anything and everything, and sensitive to limits that once seemed annoying and incomprehensible, but now -even if I still didn't fully get it- found it kind of endearing.
We get to her house and Alyson got in to get ready, telling me to wait on the porch as she got ready. I took out one cigarette, sitting on the bench there and feeling in her absence even more the growing of this feeling.
But what was this feeling?
Should I embrace it? I didn't feel capable of. The mere idea of assuming something more got my pulse speeding and a sense of apprehension mixing with my anger and confusion. What the hell was that?
She was back in about half an hour, changed into a pair of tight jeans, a cable-knit pullover, flats and a tote bag hanging from her shoulder. Her hair was down and her eyes looked larger with her the fresh eyeliner defining them and she smiled when our gazes met, making my heart twitch so guarded it again, just in case.
"I thought you would've abandoned me already." she teased closing the door behind her.
"I'm still not going to the church."
"Oh, that's okay." she moved to stand against the wooden railing of the porch before me, griping it with one hand as she kept her eyes on me. For longer than a casual glance. And stood there silence for way longer than I ever hear her going silent.
I tilted my head, glad I protected my heart or this would be affecting me. "Do you always stare at people like that?"
As if snapped back to the now, Alyson quickly looked away, her face heating. "No..." but the lie was so clear it was almost amusing. She turned, facing the railing instead and folded her arms over it. "I'm sorry."
I stood, throwing the butt of the cigarette. Why do I have the impression that she was always apologizing? And for things that didn't really need her apology.
"What for?" I stood behind her, once more relishing in the close nearness of her frame against mine -not uncomfortable about it for a change- my hands gripped on the railing at her sides, and my body buzzed with this new sensation.
"F-for making y-you uncomfortable. I d-didn't mean to stare." The irony about her statement was stunning. I could smell the sweet scent in her hair and she shuddered, sounding really embarrassed. "I tend to get distracted and then I stare... but not like stare-stare, more like getting zoned out while looking at something. Not like you're... Never mind. Just feel free to cut me if I bother you. I know I can't be annoying."
I frowned. "Who says that?"
"Besides everyone?" she giggled nervously, and somehow that angered me.
"That's bullshit."
Alyson looked up then, barely managing holding my stare over her shoulder for a second before dropping it and nod instead, tucking her chin down self-consciously.
Was she uncomfortable? I'd been so focused on my own limits...
I withdrew, taking in a deep breath to compose myself back together. The bruises in my knuckles sting as my grip on the railing but Alyson proved me wrong once more spinning so she was facing this way, standing so close -like in the kitchen an hour ago, and once more I didn't know what to make out of the lost of personal space.
I felt kinda dizzy, looking into her eyes -big, dark eyes that almost shine- and for a moment forgetting if I was supposed to pursue this. I leaned closer, resting my weight against my hands on the railing and making the weight difference less noticeable in a way it tested my heart's walls, torturing me blissfully and her breath hitch.
But she didn't stop me, she didn't pulled away nor react negatively. In fact, I could swear her pupils dilate and her spine straightened. A whole new feeling tugged at my muscles as I felt her body heat, her soft presence, the smooth way her breathing hit my lips...
I tilted my head. "What?" Maybe if she spoke what was happening, if she put it in words I would start making sense of this mess. My left hand somehow found her hip, like a magnet, and she shuddered. So she did feel this as well. "Am I making you nervous?" I tried unconsciously pulling her closer. "Are you-"
But before I could finish the question Alyson stood on her tiptoes, pressing her lips to mine and kissing my thought away. Just like that.
Shock hit me, along with a sudden spark of electric glee that shook me to the very core. An aggressive jolt shuddered down my spine and liquid pleasure burned and consumed my senses and bones for the second it lasted.
But also fear. A gripping fear I'd finally awaken with all the pushing.
And everything else seeped to spiral around.
********************
QUESTION: Anything remarkable from this past year?
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