The course was barely a couple months from being over. Senior year. A few months and I wouldn't be walking down these halls, seeing these people... They say high school is the best time of one's life; but I guess I was the exception to that rule, because except some parts of this last year, there were barely parts that I want to remember.
And as for friends and experiences, if you take Norah, Macy and Connor out the equation; there weren't many that would be remarkable in my life. And two out of those three just came here a few months ago.
Yeah, my school life has been disappointing and depressing if I think of it. But it would be over soon. And now things were starting to get stressing with exams and teachers breathing down my neck.
And there was Brett. Always Brett.
Who, by the way, wasn't talking to me.
Worse, who was sending me glares when he thought I wasn't looking and didn't even glance my way when I was.
I couldn't tell if he was mad, ashamed, bitter or all the above; but the thing was that I didn't like it. There was something completely wrong and off about having him avoiding me. That literally never happened before.
When we were little we were always together, when things went bad and I didn't want him near, he still stuck to me no matter what, lately we'd been kinda growing the friendship again, but now... Now he was avoiding me. And I got no clue of what to do about it. I couldn't even fully decide if I wanted to go along or beg him to take me back.
'How can you be so selfish?'
His words kept echoing in my mind, even louder and more painful than his confusing confession about apparent feelings for me.
Was I selfish? Was I really a bad friend from not having seen it coming? For not having stopped? Connor said I wasn't and so did the girls.
But even with all the mess, I still needed to give his jacket back... maybe use the chance to talk about what happened too, but that turned out to be an impossible seeing he was always surrounded by the usual crows of fans and other popular kids. Meaning there was no way I would approach him and risk a possible humiliation. Not to mention that Jade and Noel were also in the popular crowd and I really didn't want to be near them.
The final bell rang and since I knew today they had football practice I decided that this would be the best chance to just get over with it painlessly. I knew that when the team was on the field they left his jackets on the bench by it. I could drop by, wordlessly left Brett's among the other's and walked out just as invisible. It sounded like a plan.
The usual hate note fell out my locker when I pulled it open. Heat and embarrassment mixed with the dread of those awful messages I get. I didn't even read them anymore, knowing it would only hurt; but this time I didn't move fast enough and someone else took it from the ground before I could bend.
"What's this?" Connor's brows pinched together as his eyes scanned it and what looked like casualness shifted into a completely different emotion.
My anxiety spiked. "N-nothing. Some stupid joke." and I reached to take it before he could fully read it, but he held it higher, not buying it for a second. He turned it to look at the back, eying me again when he found no further writing.
"Who is it from?"
"N-no one." I finally grabbed it and snatched it from his grip, crumbling it and throwing it to the bottom of my backpack, right before the few textbooks I would be needing for homework and zipped it trying to erase its presence from my mind. Like always. But Connor was there to make it harder.
"This isn't a first."
Not a question. He was reading through my reactions just as easily as he'd read the mean words scratched in that piece of paper. How humiliating was that?
"It's n-not like that. Don't mind it."
"Alyson-"
"It's whatever." I shook my head, unable to meet his gaze and took the jacket, closing my locker. I felt hyper aware of the students moving around, each minding their own business. It was obvious no one was really paying attention to us, but still the anxious part of me felt as if they were. I adjusted the bag, and walked down the hallway. "Just forget it."
Connor walked along, like usual lately. When classes ended, he would come pick me up on the locker and then walked me home.
He was silent, striding with his hands in his pockets and I felt my chest tightening. It wasn't weird about Connor to be quiet and his was a different kind of silence. One that I didn't know how to deal with.
"Eh, I have to go somewhere before we leave." I told him and he nodded, his mind still somewhere else as he let me guide us towards the back door instead of the main entrance, the one that would lead to the field. My hold on Brett's jacket tightened, knowing exactly what he was thinking of. "It's just a stupid joke."
"Sounds more like a threat." he hummed, a hint of displeasure soaked his words. "And a bunch of insults."
I hadn't read this specific note, but I was sure it was something on that line. There were always insults, slur and defamation. And the threat to post the stupid picture.
"Who is it?"
I flinched. "Just forget it, okay? It's no big deal. All bark, you know?" for the look he was giving me, he didn't. The knot in my guts twitched further. "It's okay. I don't care anymore." I put especial emotion in the last remark and moved to the side to dodge a group of freshmen gossiping before us.
We fell back in that weird silence, I could tell he was overthinking. He was judging, an over-analysing. And I didn't want that. For one, I could handle a little insulting; and two, I didn't know what he would think or how would he react, and just now it seemed like he was finally trying to not be such a stray bullet, it would be a shame to put an end to it with some fight or confrontation.
"Remember what I told you?" I looked at him when he suddenly spoke, low, emotionless, but harsh in a way. "If you don't stand up for yourself, no one would."
"Connor." I blushed, shame crept in the pit of my stomach. "I do stand for myself."
"Barely." we reached the back door and he pushed it open, holding it so I got out as well and the sun blinded me for a second.
The team was already on the field, jogging around as the coach yelled orders to them and a little further on there was the cheer squad. My lungs laced, spotting easily certain auburn doing laps with the rest. I really didn't know if I was prepared to face him yet, but hopefully -if my plan went smoothly- I didn't have to now either. And prove once more how Connor was right and I barely ever stand for myself.
Yet I was glad he was with me just in case.
But to my surprise, he rested his back against the side of the building and took out his pack of cigarettes, holding one between his lips before fishing for the lighter in his pocket.
My brows knitted together, apprehension swirling in my chest harder now. "Aren't you coming with me?"
"No." was his simple answer and my heart skipped a beat. Carelessly he cupped the cigarette to light it and took in a deep puff.
"B-but why?" I stepped closer, standing almost between his parted legs and took in the safety his halo awoke in me. I would need all the confidence I would muster if I need to go there. "Come with me." I feel kinda pathetic begging like this, but I really didn't want to face this alone. What if it didn't go as I planned? "Y-you don't even have to say anything." but he was already shaking his head. "Please."
"This is your shit, I would only mess it further." I parted my lips, but he didn't let me complain further, taking the cigarette to speak easier and carefully place that hand on my waist. "If he's upset about you not liking him, my presence won't help." I bit my lip, letting my gaze wandered once more towards the players on the field as the coach clapped and yelled orders. The cheer squad was starting their routine as well -Jade being one of them and making my apprehension grew. "And you want him to listen, won't you?"
Not really. I wanted to give the jacket back and have as less drama as possible. Talk to him? That wasn't really on the plan. But he did have a point. Maybe bringing Connor right in his face wasn't the wisest option.
"You know," I glanced at the field again and back at him through my lashes. "For someone who hates human interactions you sure know a lot."
"I pay attention."
I'm sure he did, but his advices weren't exactly what I was looking for at the moment.
"Please?" I tried one last time already knowing the answer.
Connor gave me a lopsided grin. "You got this." then he cupped my chin, tilting it up for a short kiss. It barely lasted a second, but it felt like I'd put my fingers in the socket, electricity shot to the very last of my nerves endings, making me dizzy for a second. "If you let them walk over you, we're over."
"O-over?" was that a threat? "As in breaking up?" I blinked the fog, my heart lurching at his words; but his face remained stoic, only the side of his lip twitched lightly. Unable to deal with this mess on top of my nerves over the already tricky situation, I slowly spun around. His hand on my waist brushed against my abdomen as I turned in his hold and rest on my other side. I could feel the light graze of his chest on my back as he breathed. "You said we weren't anything."
"No, I didn't." Connor kissed the top of my head, a sweet gesture that surprised me and made slow jolts spread from my stomach as a needed rush of adrenaline that fueled my muscles.
Right, he didn't literally say it; he just said I should ask him to date me and then see how that goes.
Probably bad.
But let's not overthink it right now.
They were practicing on the other end of the field, I should take the chance before they came back.
I adjusted the strap of the bag over my shoulder with one hand and the jacket with the other. The plan going over my mind as I tried to strengthen my determination, already dreading this decision.
Go there, drop the jacket, and go back unnoticed. No distractions, no talking. Easy.
Well, here goes nothing.
I made my way to where the team was. I heard them practicing as I near the bench where there were already some hoodies and water bottles from the players. The cheerleaders were closer, and somehow I found my gaze shifting there.
She was in shorts and a sport top, like the rest of the girls; exposing her flat stomach and sculptural limbs. Her hair pulled up in a bun and a couple strands stylishly loosen as she stretched. She was so effortlessly gorgeous, as usual, a wave of jealousy struck me, mixed with the shock of someone so beautiful on the outside and still so rotten underneath it all. And maybe it was all that perfect wrap that helped her get away with it all.
As if sensing my staring, Jade's gaze snapped this way and my blood freeze. Not only my blood, I found my feet halt as her eyes narrowed. She was like twenty feet away, and still it felt threatening when her attention shifted down to the jacket in my arms and tilted her head.
I was digging my own grave.
'If you let them walk over you, we're over.'
I couldn't let her have this power over me. Jade was nothing, Jade meant nothing, and her glare should make my heart stilted like that.
I snapped my gaze forward and away from her, already having lost too much time and having accomplished none of my easy three-steps-plan. I reached the bench in a few more strides.
Get here, checked.
I placed the jacket in the first free spot between a duffle bag and a couple bottles.
Drop the jacket, checked.
Good. Now the third step: go back unnoticed.
I turned to do just that, but was startled by my name being called.
Shoot.
Taking in a deep sigh, I try to prepare myself, but I'd never seemed to be prepared for Brett. He came before me, running a hand through his messy hair. His skin was glistening with a thin layer of sweat and a little out of breath. How was he even here? Wouldn't the coach miss him in the field?
"What are you doing... That's my jacket?" his tone tensed with anger as he realized my failed plan of just dropping it like that. "So you're not even gonna talk to me anymore?" his eyes narrowed, making my chest clenched.
Funny. He was the one ignoring me up until now. How come I was the one feeling guilty when he'd been acting like that for the past week? How was it that whatever I did, it was always my fault?
Don't let them walk over you. I shifted on my spot. "I-it's not like that."
His eyes lowered, narrowing on my neck and I felt the hickey Connor left there yesterday burning. My cheeks heated as I shifted again. I was so unused and self-conscious about this new marks. Even with the hoodie, the choker and my hair brushed forwards I still felt like they screamed for attention... only that maybe he wasn't eying the bruises, but the hoodie instead: Connor's black one.
And with the shorts I was wearing, the oversize cloth covered them making it look like I was only wearing it. Norah had let me borrow her fishnet stockings. It was a cute outfit, and I was proud of the result, but now I felt just too exposed.
Brett jaw clenched as he snatched his eyes away. "Why do you keep doing that?"
"Doing what?"
"Messing with me on purpose. What have I even done? First you reject me, you left and then ignored me for days... you can't even return the jacket face to face and you came... like this." I almost flinched at his hurt tone, he brushed his face in frustration. "You're rubbing it in my face."
"I'm not."
"Then why are you ignoring me?"
"Y-you are the one ignoring me!" I hate that my voice wavered but at least I got the words out of my chest. Don't let them walk over you. "I've tried being supportive, but it looks like it wasn't what you want."
"You know what I want." he snarled and let his eyes and I had to tear mine away this time, but face blushing aggressively.
He wanted me apparently. As weird as that sounded, as irreal. And I didn't know how to deal with it. I'd never been sought after like that. I never got to reject anyone, it was usually the other way around. And not only that, but his way of handling things wasn't really helping me cope with it.
"Brett," I started, my mouth so dry it felt like sandpaper. "We're friends. We can still be friend. I never meant to-" I stepped forward, but he matched it backwards, as if afraid and my guts constricted all the more, making my eyes glassy as that expression of hurt and anger clouding his features.
"N-no." he too another retreating step, eying me like he couldn't recognize me. "Just... leave me alone."
"Brett-"
He shook his head, pain all across his features and this time when the coach called his name again, he gave me his back and jogged there with the rest of the team. Away from me.
I let my gaze wandered towards the building and Connor, who tipped his chin lightly as it to ask 'so?' and I lifted one shoulder, feeling shaken from inside out. There it went the 'go back unnoticed'. Not only I hadn't been as subtle as supposed, it couldn't have gone worst.
"You're really such an attention whore." I turned to see Jade coming to stand a couple feet from me now, glaring daggers at me. "You really like to have him wrapped around your finger uh? Not have him, nor let him go."
"It's not my fault he doesn't like you even with me out of the picture." I muttered, taking us both by surprise.
Was it too much to ask that she wouldn't have heard that? Yes, that was just me and my wishful thinking.
She stepped closer, her chill demeanor changing into a more aggressive undertone as she hissed. "What did you just say?"
"Nothing." nothing I didn't mean. I was so done with her immature reaction against me when I haven't done anything to her. I was so done enduring her attitude, the stupid notes, Brett's tantrum and now on top of it all her coming and, what?
Jade's lips pulled into a displeased sneer, eying me up and down. "Back the fuck off."
"I'm not doing anything."
"And still you're always in the middle."
"I'm sorry, okay? I don't even like him." I went to sidestep her, but Jade wasn't having that and my heart skipped several beats as she seized my wrist so I faced her glowering eyes again.
"Then let him go!"
I was scared, and frustrated, and cornered and I was reaching my limit with all of them blaming on me stupid stuff I never did.
"Let go."
But of course she didn't. I could see over her shoulder that we've already attracted some attention to us from the cheer squad and some of the football team too. I could tell they didn't know what we were saying, Brett turned his void gaze here in a quick glance, but did nothing to show it affect him somehow and went back to his practicing.
I couldn't stand this indifference, I really couldn't. It was even worse than when he openly lashed at me, especially knowing he saw very well who was blocking my way out and what my past with Jade.
How could he be all sweet and protective, committed to put behind the past few years of mistakes a week ago; but at the moment his feelings weren't returned, he shifted into the bully's mask he spent so much time convincing me didn't exist?
Jade seemed to notice my stare and found the chance to be me over with it: "So nothing, uh?" her grip tightened and my fear grew as she tugged me with her.
"Hey, Stefan." they called her from the squad, but she grinned at them, pulling us towards the hallways down the bleachers towards the back of it where we'd be out their eyesight.
"We'll be back in a minute."
Memories from the last time she cornered me resurfaced. I shook my head and tugged at my hand; but she was taller, stronger and angrier, and tugging me along wasn't that harder for her.
"J-Jade, no." I dug my heels as we rounded the structure and now we could only see the field through the gape between rows. Not enough for me to feel safe... well, I never feel safe around her anymore. Not knowing he got away with everything with so little.
She spun to me once more, digging her nails in my arm painfully as she glared. "You see what you do to him? If you really didn't like him you would just stop."
I flinched.
How come he was the victim? How could Jade be mad at me for something I had no power on?
"I don't know how you want me to tell you this: I-I don't like him!"
"Aw, yes. I've heard the news. You and the creep, uh? So I'm guessing you've made it official."
I could ignore her and give her the satisfaction to know her words unsettled my own unease about the current situation with Connor, but I wasn't going to let that happen. "Y-yes. So you see."
"Oh, I see? You got yourself a loser, big deal. Why don't you stay stuck to that?" She nodded her head. "I mean it's not that bad for you and if you want my opinion, I think it's for the best." I tried to shrug off her grip, but she tightened it, but she pushed me against one of the pillars of the bleachers, scratching my back. "Let's be honest, Alyson, you're at the very far bottom of the food chain here, feel lucky Brett even glance your way and stop messing with him."
"B-but I'm not-"
"I get that you felt especial and all and with your daddy issues must need some extra attention, but you really just like to be noticed and that's alright to admit as long you're aware of it."
Daddy issues? Anger strengthened in the mix within me. "Stop bringing my parents into this."
Her eyes sparkled with twisted joy as she found a weak spot to exploit. "Oh, but I can't really, can I? Too bad they are dead. Maybe you could use some figure. But on the other hand, I guess it's good they don't see you now. They would be so disappointed to see you came out to be literally nothing. You toyed with Brett, then think you could keep the fantasy forever completely oblivious how bizarre it was. Seriously, do you really think they would be proud of you?"
She rolled her eyes as the last words left her mouth and I felt my body burning and my breathing coming out uneven. She shouldn't challenge me like this. Bring my parent up to speak so poorly of me, of them...
You let them walk over you.
I didn't want to. Well, it was the easy way out the safest way to go and I wanted to cower... or that was what I wanted five minutes ago. But now it felt different. Jade was way out of line. I was holding a lot of anger and bottled frustration inside and she was about to have it all herself.
She noticed and took wicked joy of it. "You should be glad they passed out before they could get to see-"
I grabbed her by the hair, something she hadn't seen coming - and neither had I to be honest.
It was like a dead weight had settled in my chest and my soul ached at the memories of my parents.
She tormented me, accused me of stupid things, keep up with the stupid notes and dragged me here to belittle me some more. And now she was having it against my parents?
No.
I let them walk over me. Over and over. No matter what. And this was a line too far.
She screamed as I yanked her down with all the strength I had, sick of playing the victim every single time; and before I knew what was happening I had laid her down on the pavement. Jade screamed again, but she seemed to remember she had dragged me her precisely to be away from prying eyes and ears. When the victim card turned out to be useless she dropped it and just start fighting back.
Her nails bit the side of my face and I hissed in pain, feeling her smirking. "You want to fight me now?" she grabbed my own hair, making my scalp burn and trying to roll me out of her, but I pressed into her shoulder, making her own force pinned her down. "You stupid freak!"
Fear, pain and uncontrollable anger unravelled within me and I snapped even more, without realizing the force I was using I slapped her across the face hard. My thumb connected with her lip and she groaned, sobbing in pain as I savoured the power of having her down.
And why shouldn't I? She bullied me the longest. She spread rumors, put the first pulls in Brett's and I relationship. She kept hurting me on purpose because he liked me. She beat me in the backyard and made people think it was all a misunderstanding. She bad-talked my parents, mocked their dead and now she probably dragged me here for a second round.
My fist balled against the shoulder of her top, pinning her down easier as she blinked at me confused and went to slap her again, so possessed by this horrible feeling I barely felt the tears running down my eyes. She deserved everything she got...
...but she was suddenly out of my grasp as two strong arms held me from behind and lifted me from her weeping form.
"No! Let me go!" I hissed through gnashed teeth, but Connor didn't let me out his tight grip.
"Stop."
"You fucking weirdo!" Jade was ugly sobbing too, cupping her bleeding lip as some blood dripped to the pavement. "What the hell?!"
The sudden vision made me sick and I slumbed backwards against Connor's chest, stopping my struggles to break free at once. I had hurt her more than I intended to. I looked down at my shaky hand. There was some red on the base of my thumb, where it had connected.
"You broke my lip!" she whined using the pillar to help herself up too.
It was already swelling, and her beautiful face for once look like a mess. Her hair all over the place, her left cheek getting pink from my slap and the blood... she spit it to the ground, leaving a scarlet mark.
And there was me and my own wounds. The side of my forehead stung where she scratched, my head felt sore and I'd broken Norah's fishnet stockings.
And my hand... my hand had blood and was throbbing.
I'm gonna throw up.
"You dug your own grave, freak." she snorted, somewhere between a whine and a snarl. I had to look away, all the fight leaving me. "When the principal knows-"
"You won't tell a soul." spoke then Connor almost softly, detached and cold, but the fingers from his arm holding my waist brushed my side sweetly and brought me some kind of comfort in the dizzy state I was in.
"How cute." snarled Jade mockingly. "You don't want your psycho girlfriend to get in trouble?" she spat again, cupping her lip as more blood poured, I pressed my eye lids shut and Connor tightened his hold as if sensing my distress, but keep an even tone:
"You won't tell anyone."
"And why not?" Jade lifted her chin, challenging even then, but Connor didn't even blink.
"Because then it won't be her coming after you."
Jade paled. I could sense it even if I didn't see it. I barely was aware of Connor tugging us away, out the back of the bleachers and further down towards the connecting parking lot.
I was on the verge of hyperventilating, buzzing with this unknown feeling at the aftertaste of all that.
"Now that was something." there was a surprise yet proud edge in Connors raspy voice as we entered the almost empty parking lot.
Of course, with all the failed plan and fight everyone had left already or was doing the extracurricular activities. Because the fight had taken so much time. My hand burned, the blood on it itchy and disgusting, making me felt repulsed and scared.
I shrugged out Connor's gentle hold and rushed to the drinking fountain on the side of the parking lot, brushing my skin furiously.
I could still feel the slap, the feeling, the rage, the fear, the anger...
It was all mixed within me, boiling and scattered as if the explosion of violence had left behind a complete disaster.
And my hand was dirty, so dirty and filthy and disgusting-
"Hey-" he took my shoulder, but I pushed him away, feeling so sensitive, so messed... I couldn't stop shaking.
What have I done?
"Damn." more tears gathered in my eyes.
I'm a puncher now too.
My breaths were shallow and fast as I went over everything that went wrong: Brett dismissal, Jade's threats, my snap... who knew I could snap like that?
Rough hands cupped my face and drove my eyes to a pair of dark ones that returned my gaze and anchored me to the now. "Alyson."
I pushed his hands away, recalling something else too: "If y-you'd come with me when I asked you, that wouldn't have happened!"
His brow perked. "You're seriously mad at me now?"
"Yes!" my frown pinched together. "No! I-I don't know!" I covered my face with my hands and let out a sob into them.
Connor sighed, taking my wrists and uncovering my eyes to meet his once more. Surprisingly gentle, dark eyes. "You do realize this was the first time you actually stood your ground, right?"
"I've h-hurt her-"
"She was hurting you."
I shook my head, all that blood, I hit her. I never believed in violence and now... now I hit Jade. I hurt her, I made her bleed.
"I'm like her." I cried, covering my eyes again, unable to face him or me or anything that happened in the past minutes.
"Alyson, you're not like them."
"I-"
"They're bullies."
"I'm too, I am too now I... t-that's why I didn't- I..." I sobbed, unable to deal with the recent memories of me slapping Jade.
Slapping. Jade.
What is wrong with me?
Connor pulled me into his arms, his fingers trailing through my hair and soothing the aching in my scalp where she'd yanked. "I'm sorry I didn't go with you, okay? I'm sorry. But you needed to stand on your own, stood up to them. Now let's go back to being the annoying pacifist and I'll deal with the dirty part."
"I t-thought you wanted me to fight back."
"Me too." something within those simple two words contained a 'not anymore'. His chest rumbled as he stated it and I nuzzled closer, needing this comfort. "For what it's worth, I'm proud. You totally kick her ass."
"I didn't want to." I sniffled. "S-she keeps pushing, always hurting me and... You got no clue what it feels to be powerless." I shuddered. "I hate the feeling. It's belittlening, and shameful, a-and disgusting."
"I know."
He knows? I pulled away a little, to glance up at him, wiping the embarrassing tears. "You feel powerless?"
"Everyone does." he hummed.
"Not you." I leaned back into his arms, half expecting him to push me back now that I wasn't actually crying. Well, I was, but not as much and it wasn't like Connor to cuddle. Still, he didn't push me away. "That's so hard to believe. And considering my fear is Jade..." how pathetic.
"So?" he surprised me by responding. "Psychos like her are the worst."
"W-what do you mean?"
He hesitated, his fingers tensing in my hair, making the caress turned almost painful, but not quite yet. "There was this girl..." he started, surprising me. "She was older and used to babysit Nors and I when we were younger. And she..."
But he stopped.
What? He felt powerless by a girl too? Someone similar to Jade? I looked up from his chest to him, but his gaze was forward, frowning in deep thought.
"She w-what?" I wondered softly, my tears now all dried and this new curiosity melting the apprehension from the recent event and confrontation.
But as if destiny was reading my feelings there was then a little commotion coming from the field and we both turned towards it. Had Jade kept her word or would she tell on me? Everyone had seen us leaving so it wouldn't take long for them to piece it together, whether she tell or not.
Connor cursed, stepping out my embrace, but took my hand urging us to move.
"First, let's get out of here before the bitch cause a scene. And then," he tipped my chin to meet that familiar gaze, stealing my breath away. "You really want to know why I don't like being touched?"
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QUESTION: Something you partner MUST have/be?
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