"Hey." I whispered, swallowing the knot in my throat but only making my chest tightened further. Carefully I lowered myself to the grass, seating facing the marmol graves and as always their names on it made me felt ten times loner. Sighing shakily I left the sport bag to my side and and clunched the flowers with both hands now. "I... I know I hadn't visit in a while, but I've been... distracted."
Yeah, I knew they couldn't actually hear me, but wasn't it better to think they did? Somewhere, wherever they where, they keep watching over me and that was reassuring. But at the same time I felt even more ashamed for being this failure.
I forced out a smile. "I brought you lilies." I placed them against the left marmol, brusing away the small sticks and leaves that gathered there. "I know their were you favourites, Papa, you always brought them for Mama even tho you know she favored roses better and smiled all the way." and then turned to the other. "And so, of course, roses for you." and place the red bucked in Mama's side. I let my fingers lingered over the cold surface where their names were writed. "Guess somethings never change, uh?" my throat closed off.
I sighed, cleaning the grave from dust and dry flowers Granny'd brought two weeks ago, I think. The place was nice and they usually kept it clean and take care of the grass, but it still need some extra attention from time to time.
"There." I smiled a bit once everything was settle and I leaned back sitting on my heels to examine the graves. My heart squeezed. "Feels like forever since I came here, uh?" I chuckled saddly fiddling with the strands of grass in front of my knees. "I'm sorry. Everything is been so crazy lately. There were..." I gulped. "There had been a couple guys messing with me in school, but it's over now. Granny is taking care of everything and... it kinda feels like it's going to be better. At least I hope so.
The girl that... was mean to me had been expelled. Hopefully forever but there are rumors her parents are aready putting up a fight to get her back in. I don't know.I guess I hope she stays away from now on but... I don't know." I bit my lip and lowered my gaze realizing how many times I was saying that. "It's just... You remember Brett? The youngest son of Logan and Julia. You used to like him so much." I winced at the painful memories. I could almost picture my mother frowning as my father tilted his head so I keep going. "I'm so confused about him. He's been different lately. He isn't that mean, and he keep saying he want me back but... But then go and kiss Jade! After she did... that!" I shook my head, confused. There was no sense in Brett's manners. "But the next moment he's back claiming he didn't know nothing and got her expelled. I don't understant him anymore!"
It felt good, to rant about it. Even if it was with someone who couldn't actually answer back. I let all my restrained frustration go on them and told my parents everything that's been going on lately. From the meaningless pranks to the hardcore bullying, not entering in details of what actually happen in the changing room 'cause, in all honestly, it hurt so much to voiced it. I felt double humiliated every time it came to my mind.
Once I let it all out I panted, actually feeling a bit better and then proceed to catch up with them with everything else that had happen lately. The more pleasant things. Like my friends and the recent chance to go to Nebraska University.
"I mean, I know it's not USC, but I bet if they gave me a half of a scholarship with that, Granny's savings and what I get from the restaurant I could pretty much afford it. I'll have to look for a work there to keep up and the residence would be another problem... but we'll cross that bridge when we get there, right?" I smiled, glancing up and realizing the sun had move more that I expeted.
I'd been there longer than I thought. My eyes diverted to the sportbag abandoned to the side and my chest tightened. I would like to remain there for a bit more but if I wanted to follow my plans I better get going or I'll nerver get to skate before the night arribe. I turned to the marmoled graves once more, the knot in the pit of my stommack hardening as well as watering my eyes.
"I miss you, guys. So, so much." I confessed, my tone wavier that I would like. "I wish you were here." that was it. My voice broke so I cleared my throat and jumped to my feet. Stretching myself as I covered the sudden shake in my being. I'm stronger than this. But my heart still a mess when I glanced the gravestone as I pick up the bag. "Mama, Papa. I'll come back soon." My fingertips grazed the top of the cold marmol as I passed by and a chill climbed up strait to my chest. "I love you."
********************
The ruins of the old church were usually so calm and peaceful, a place to scape my shitty rutine and just let go. So imagine my surprise when I saw someone already there. Well, more that saw, I heard it. The unconfundable sounds of wheels rolling over the pavement. Then I spoted him and my mouth almost gawked open in disbielief.
Connor Mendley.
I mean, yes I told him about this place, but I never actually thought he would come... I never even thought he listen to me that much to make sense of what I say.
I was clearly not expecting to find him there.
And it's not until he stoped, stepping one foot on the ground about twenty feet away and gave me a stoic glance that I didn't notice I'd been standing there like a moron for God knows how long. A blush climbed up my neck and burned my cheeks. "I-I... Hi?"
So freaking smooth, Alyson.
Not a surprise that Connor rolled his eyes and went back skating further through the place. I let out a shaky breath and finally snapped out my confusion... at least physically. I moved to my usual rock and put out the roller shoes, not wasting time in putting them on. I haven't been here since the attack and I was really longing for a good rush. My hip and ribbs' been hurting but not so much so I'd decided it was worth a shot. Even if it was just to slid a bit.
As soon as I stood I understand it might be trickier than I initially thought. A shudder of ache rushed up my left hip and almost made my leg wince but I controled it just in time.
Okay, I breathed in forcing my muscles to move really slowly, just take it easy.
I slid to the further extrem from where Connor was practicing jumps an other cool things and concentrate in simple moves. It was frustrating, like if my body was numb and refused to work with me. It was as if I was fifteen all over again, learning to skate for the first time. I fell more time than I would like to admit and with each hit the pain pounded again but the stubborn in me just wouldn't allow it to beat me. I kept coming up, refusing to be unable to do something as simple as skating around.
No weird piruets. No jumps. Just plain and smooth rolling. Was it really that hard?
Apparentally. Next time I fell I grunted as a sharp pain shot through my hip -where I'd got one of the worst kicks. I was sore. I could only pushed so far. I pressed my lids forcefully in defeat, panting and sweating from the effort. Again. It was like I couldn't achive anything lately. I was such a mess.
Blinking back my humiliation I rose my head to realize the sky was turning orange already. I should really call it a day. A disappointing, messy day.
The cold air made me shiver as I stand and moved back to where I'd left my belongings. To my surprise, some rocks aside mine Connor was still there, sat and looking down at his phone. I realized then that I still yet to talk to him. To thank him for everything. I was like 90% sure he won't give a shit about it but it still was the right thing to do. After everything he'd done... So I take in a deep breath and as soon as I was into my sneekers again I hang the bag to my shoulder and marched his way, not giving me enough time to coward away.
My steps made a mortifying loud sound on that quiet place and as soon as Connor heard them his attention lazily drifted from his phone to me. I felt all the more insecure under the pressure of his gaze bitting my lip and stopping a few feet away. The air felt ten times colder now.
"Hey." I greeted awkwardly fiddling with my shoes against the ground. "I-I never really thanked you... for what you did. So, thank you." He shrugged nonchalantely. A so Connor-like emotionless respond and my stomach churned. "I mean it. Not only for stopping them, and taking me to the nurse and... catching me when I faint." my gaze dropped in shame and I could feel my face burning. He'd been right. I was so weak. I cleared my throat. "Also for telling Mr Jones and having her expelled."
Again, all he did was shrugged. "It was all on Ryder."
My heart beated faster. "Oh." Something similar had said Norah but I still not sure I could fully trust it.
"Mh." he hummed absently, locking his phone before sliding it in his pocket and then turned to me. "First he was sure I had something to do with it. Then his theory was that there was something between us."
"Oh." if I wasn't blushing before, now I for sure was. I could feel my ears on fire at the mortifying thought of Brett saying something like that to Connor. Connor! "I'm so sorry for that."
"Yep." the tip of his lips curved in the slightless bit and I almost gawked at the attempt -tinny, tinny attempt- to smile. But no even giving me time understand it he erased it and throw me the plastic bottle he's been drinking from. I barely managed to catch it clumsily before it dropped. Which would had been ten time clumsier from my part. "Have a go."
My brows knitted together at the weird request. I myself have water with me. But since this was Connor, and it was more likely to have him ignore you that talk to you, I found myself unrolling the lid and immediatelly scrunching my nose at its strong smell. "Is it alcohol?" I asked in disbelief and my eyes widened at his duh-look. "Oh my God, why would you offered this to me?"
I was quick in tossing it back, and again he just -guess what? Shrugged. "Looks like you need it."
"Gosh no." I shook my head. "No, no. Thank you very much but I don't drink. And I don't need it. I'm just having a bad week I guess... or month... You know how this is." I waved it dismissively. "Now that she's out Clayton I guess thing would start getting better. I guess... I hope?" I was doing it again. I was rambling. And to Connor! But as always, it was my nervous tick and I couldn't prevent it nor stop it. "At least that would be one less bully. Unless they get mad and try to... I don't know. Brett seemed remorsefull so I think he'll stop. He keep texting but I never answer and..." my eyes widened. "Oh God, why am I telling you this? I'm so sorry. I'm just... I-" unable to find a proper end for that sentence, my shoulders sunk in defeat and I focused my gaze on the ground. "I don't know what to do anymore."
We stayed silent for a while, I almost believed he didn't heard me, or ignored me, but then he snorted and jumped up to his feet, startling me but never loosing his ever persisten lazyness in every move.
"You do." he went to pass me, seeming done with it all, but gave one last glance. "This place is cool, by the way." but before I could even opened my mouth he'd kicked the skate to roll and stepped on it, leaving me there to watch his retreacting back. So Connor likely to do.
Not a man of much words. This months I had known him I'd learned he only wasted time talking if he thinks there is something worth saying. Unlike me, who kinda speak before even processing what words left my mouth.
Was he right? Did I know what to do?
I wanted to talk to Brett. Badly. Let him explain and somehow found out it was all a big misunderstood. But it's been time since he stopped being there for me. I'd been let down so many times... he hurt me so bad I didn't believe I could ever trust him again. I wasn't even fully sure what the girls and Connor had told me. I mean, why on earth would he help get rid of Jade when he'd been the first to encourage her? When they were... together or whatever.
I'd seen them kiss right after. But then again Brett's been different since he came back. A week ago he was asking so cutely for us to start over...
Nothing made sense at all.
Connor was right.
I knew, deep down, that no matter how much I delay it. I knew I had to talk to him sooner or later.
My chest constricted at the prospective. Was I ready? Well, as ready as I'll ever be and somehow Connor brief talk I got in myself some weird determination. Now or never, I thought with a sigh and pulled out my phone.
For the first time in this last days I allowed myself to open Brett's mesages. He'd been sending me non-stop, to the point that between the text and his missed calls I got 23 notifications. I didn't read any of them, not wanting to fall in his trap but the glimpses I caught are things like "I'm sorry" or "plis answer me". I bit my lips, hesitantly before my shaky finger pressed the sent button.
ALYSON: Did you really tell on Jade?
My stomach clunch, immediately regretting that small text, but it was too late. Letting out a trembling breath I stared at the screen, mortified. Now's when he'll print this and shown it around. Or humiliate me. Or maybe he was with Jade right now. Bile rose my throat when I remember that heated kiss I witnessed.
This is sick.
Bitting into my nail I stared the screen for a couple more minutes before coming to terms he wasn't going to answer anytime soon. Relief pounded through my veins powerfully, but also another feeling... disappointment?
I shook the stupid thought, telling myself it was for the best and taking the hint it was time to get going as well. The sky was deep redish by now and it wouldn't be long 'til night looming over me.
Granny was cocking something that smell especially delicious when I stepped in. In her defense, she's a great cook, but me being vegetarian kinda was a huge challenge for her. She's never complained and I even offered to made my own meals, but she isn't having that. No. She deal with it like a pro and every now and then had guests from the church or her friends over so she could fully expose her skills in magnific diners and banquets.
"Hey, Granny." I leave the bag by the door, approaching her from behind as she steered the pan and kissed her cheek. "That smells lovely."
"Well, thank you, sweety." she smiled back, proudly. "I'm trying something Hattie told me the other day. We'll see how it turnes out." adding some more salt she turned and frowned at me, affectionately brushing some loosen strands off my face. "Dinner will be in about half an hour. Why don't you go shower and put on something comfortable."
"Alright." I picked the sport bag again and made it upstairs to do just as she said.
Just as I get out the bathroom, all warm and relaxed in my oversized, fluffy pajama the phone on the desk lighted up, showing four simple words under the unfamous name:
BRETT: Can I call you?
My heart somersaulted.
But not giving me any time to actually respond my phone lighted up with his incoming call. No no no no- I couldn't handle hearing his voice right now. Could I? But a part of me was dying for answers, needed answers. So with shaking hands I slid the green button across the screen.
********************
QUESTION: How would this conversation go?
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