Avery's POV
Their smiles were long gone now and have been for a long time.
Dawson walks up to Ronnie with a blank face, reaches his fist up, and throws it at Ronnie's already bruising eye, knocking him backward in full force.
After Ronnie falls back onto the ground, no one bothers in trying to catch him. Or help him what so ever.
"Get the fuck out," Axel tells Ronnie which genuinely both shocked and surprised me.
From what I'd heard and the way that Axel had talked about his brother these past 2 days made it seems like they were best friends and that Ronnie was Axel's rock. Was he really disowning him in a sense for me?
"What?" Ronnie asks utterly perplexed. I guess he couldn't process what his little brother said either.
"I don't want you here around Avery, around my girlfriend and child, or around me. So, get the fuck out before I throw your ass out."
Ronnie stood up but doesn't leave yet.
"You seriously gonna stop talking to me over some girl?" Ronnie seethes, trying to salvage what was left of his relationships with these boys.
"Not some girl. Avery is my friend. She's like a sister to me. And even if it wasn't Avery who you..did this shit to. It's disgusting. And I don't want to associate myself with anyone who would ever even consider doing anything like that. So get out. Before I find a way to send your ass to prison for the rightful amount of time you deserve. Which is a hell of a lot longer than 18 months."
I stayed silent throughout everything.
Because I didn't know what to say? Maybe.
Because I was having trouble knowing how I was feeling? Definitely.
I didn't know if I was angry at him. I mean of course I was but maybe I was more scared of him than anything. And that was hard for me to accept.
Ronnie finally shoves his way through everyone, who were all glaring at him, and when he gets to the doorway he says something than sends me over the edge.
"Don't act like you never fucking liked it." And then he walks away.
I stay frozen in my spot until I realize that all eyes are on me now.
And I hated it.
So, I did what I do best. I ran. And I avoided the issue. And I prayed no one was dumb enough to follow me.
I threw myself on top of my bed and stared at the wall in front of me. And I tried. I really tried to understand what I was feeling. But it was...nothing? Yet everything at the same time.
I tried to focus on what I had today. I had Mona. I had Dawson. I had Callum. I had Axel. I had Bentley. I had Victor, Elliot, and Keegan too. I had Sawyer. I had Eva. I had people. People who loved me. People who wouldn't ever hurt me like he did. I tried to suppress the memories. I tried to forget. I tried a lot of things but it never fucking worked. I never won. Not then, not now.
Those nights kept replaying in my brain. I felt humiliated. I felt scared. I felt angry. I felt a lot of things. And I couldn't take it. I haven't felt this much in years. Sure, I was in the process of learning to be more affectionate and vulnerable but I wasn't to the point of being able to show the hurt yet. That left me more vulnerable than anything else.
And that was my worst fear. He made me scared to be vulnerable. They all made me scared to be me and tell the truth, because at any second someone could turn on you and just decide one day that they don't love you and use everything you shared with them against you.
When you're honest and open, you leave room for people to judge. You create a space for them to hurt you. And all you can do is hope they don't, or not open up in the first place. And I've found the latter is a lot easier and less heart wrenching than the first option.
"Avery." I hear Dawson say from outside the door after tapping on it lightly. "Can I come in? Please?"
I know I should've just said yes and let him come in and hug me and tell me everything was okay, but I didn't.
I stopped. And I thought. I thought over every conversation and interaction we'd had. I thought over every single possibility it could go if I let him, and what could happen if I didn't. I weighed the risks. And I thought about what I wanted.
I wanted to be able to let him in. I wanted to be able to open that damn door and tell him everything, but it wasn't that easy. It would never be that easy.
"Go away, Dawson." I finally mutter. I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes in what almost felt like defeat. Maybe it was self-induced defeat but it was defeat nonetheless.
He stays silent for a minute but I can't tell he hasn't left yet.
"I know you're scared and I know you're feeling a lot of things you probably don't wanna share and that's fine. I just need to see you okay. You don't have to talk. Just open the door, Aves. Please."
I could tell he was desperate. He didn't wanna know I was alright but he needed to know and he would go to extreme lengths to do that. But the thing about me was so would I.
"I'm fine Dawson okay? I just need to be alone right now."
That's not what I needed at all. And I knew that. I knew I needed someone at least. I needed the comfort and stability I had before this. But fear never gave a fuck about needs or necessities and neither did I.
"What the hell will it take for you to just let me in already?"
I didn't answer him. I just dug my nails deeper into my palm and squeezed my eyes even tighter than before. They almost felt like they would pop right out of their sockets if they could. I didn't stop though.
"Nothing." I finally answer.
I'd never really heard or seen Dawson get angry before. I never really pictured it as an emotion he could have. Of course, he was human, and humans felt anger, but he was so...Dawson. Nice. Sweet. Stupid. Dawson.
I also knew that at some point I'd had to have pissed him off to no end and he would just blow up. It's what I always did.
I didn't mean to. I was just doing my thing, protecting myself, and unintentionally hurting others in the process. I didn't wanna hurt him though.
He finally just opens the door and slightly slams it shut behind him. "I fucking tried to give you your space and let you feel like you needed someone and like I wasn't forcing anything on you but your stubborn ass couldn't do that, so hello."
"You say let me feel like I needed someone like I actually do Dawson. I said I wanted to be alone and I meant it. Now please, kindly get the fuck out."
I didn't mean to sound harsh. I knew I did though.
"I'm not leaving asshole. Now shut up and accept my comfort and affection." He told me crossing his arms like a child would and stomping his way to my desk chair.
"And I'm not kidding when I'm telling you to leave."
He stopped and smiled at me angrily. Pettily. "Ya know Avery, I know you don't share much with me or just anyone at all, but I've caught onto things about you. One of those being opening up is your greatest fear. And I can't blame you and I'm not gonna force you. But for fuck's sake just let me sit here and find comfort in knowing you're not suffering alone, Jesus Christ."
I blinked a couple of times and tried to fix the dryness in my mouth which I'm assuming he took as me saying fine as he sighed and muttered a 'thank you' before walking over to me and sitting on the opposite edge of the bed.
"Just cause I'm not trying to kick you out anymore doesn't mean I want or need you right now. Because I would much rather still be alone." Did I mean a word I just said? Not really. Did I say it anyway? Fuck yeah. Like I said, anything to keep him from knowing the truth about me and my shitty feelings. I couldn't have him hurting or hating me too.
"Mhmm. You keep telling yourself that. Just know I can see right through you now. Like glass. Crystal fucking clear glass." He looked to me with a peculiar stare like he could see right through me. Like he knew things. And maybe he did. Maybe he didn't.
I pretend like I didn't hear him and move on. "I don't like talking ya know. Especially about stuff like this. So don't expect anything like that. And don't expect to be able to share your words of wisdom or sweet nothings with me."
"Oh of course not." He tells me joking with a subtle roll of his eyes. "I would never expect anything less than that from you, Aves." Dawson stopped and leaned over, closer to me. "You wanna know something else I've figured out about you?"
"Not really," I admit shaking my head
He rolls his eyes again. Not to subtly this time though. "Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway."
"Why thank you for your generosity-"
"Shush. So before you so rudely interrupted me I was gonna say how I noticed that while you do hate the emotional and verbal approach to comfort and love, you've never been one to stray from the more physical aspects."
I squinted my eyes and looked to him weirdly. "Dawson, if you're implying now would be a good time to fu-"
"Oh my god no you idiot. What I meant was don't talk, just lay down."
"Jesus Christ Dawson I'm serious about-"
"Avery."
"Okay fine!" I finally comply, groaning the entire time. I would pretend to enjoy absolutely 0 seconds of it. At the beginning at least. I couldn't control what would happen after I was out of consciousness and asleep, but to be honest I'd rather not know. Both when it was happening and after.
I lie down like he told me too and soon he follows after. Lying on his side behind me with his chest to my back. "I'm sorry." He tells me softly playing with my hands after wrapping his arms around my waist.
"It's not your fault," I tell him shaking my head a bit. He did nothing wrong. He could never do anything wrong.
"I know." He admits after moving his head a little closer to mine and resting it on my shoulder. "But I know there's nothing I could say to make it better. So maybe apologizing is the best I can do. So, I'm sorry."
I don't say anything about that. It just didn't feel like something I should respond too. I preferred the silence with him right now anyway.
"I wish they never made you scared to open up. I wish they never hurt you."
I just nodded and pulled the blanket tighter around us. "It wasn't just him. He did a lot but it's not like he's the only person who ruined my life in a sense."
"I know."
"It was a lot of people and things. Even before high school and meeting them."
"I know." He tells me again. He kept his replies simple and short. Maybe it was his method of subtly trying to push more info out of me or maybe he simply felt like he just needed to listen right now.
"I can't tell you everything yet," I admit hoping he understood. Praying he didn't hate me or feel like I didn't trust him. Cause I did. But it was more than trust and it was more than any of us could understand. Right now anyways.
"That's okay. I..care about you and I'll be here till you can."
I stayed quiet again. And it stayed that way for a while. We both just lie there in the silence and don't move. After a while, I feel myself begin to get tired. Even though I just woke up about an hour ago. Before I could fall back asleep though I squeeze Dawson's hand.
"Hey, Dawson?" I ask trying to keep my eyes open a bit longer.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you," I tell him honestly.
"For what?" He questions me. I knew he would. But I didn't have a definitive answer to that question and I don't think I ever could.
"I don't know," I admit shrugging a bit. "Everything I guess?" That's the best I could give him right now.
"Everything's a pretty broad and vague answer don't ya think?" He asked me rubbing my arm a bit.
"Maybe. Leaves it up to you to decide what it means though doesn't it?"
"Avery." He groans. He flicked my arm lightly in annoyance.
I just smiled and finally closed my eyes.
***
Okay VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION: but for those of you who know anything about astrology and zodiacs and all that cool stuff what sign would Avery be? I'm looking into it but want some people's opinions sooo if anyone could help me out that would be great.
Also why do so many people think the books completed? Like I've read SO MANY comments about that and I'm just like I'm sorryyyyyyyy we still have a long way to go my dudes.