Fresh air filled my lungs, slowing my heart rate while my world was filled with darkness. A moment that felt like an hour passed, and I slowly released the trapped air. My racing mind was now calmer.
Guess it's about time I got started. My body felt heavy as if frozen in place. The memories of all that happened still weighed on me like a metal ball chained to my leg.
"Are you okay?" a soft and gentle voice asked.
The disembodied voice pulled me back to the present as the light started flooding in, and my dear friend came into view.
Her dark, long hair was flowing in the midsummer breeze as the bright sun blessed us with yet another warm day. The sky was clear, just like it had been the past couple of weeks. She leaned backward and stretched, balancing her chair on the rear legs. After a good long stretch and a moan, she stood up and leaned against the porch railing.
"I never really thought of Silverdew as a valid place to live, you know?" She looked up at the sky, her face glowing warmly as it basked in the bright sunlight.
"I've seen the winters up North. They are just like you described them. The amount of snow is such a large contrast to the south of the valley." Her smile visible as she turned around.
"Aria, your parents really picked a perfect location to start a new life." A chuckle left her lips as she picked up her glass of water.
"That they did." The melancholic memories of this house flashed before my eyes, shaping my face with a slight smile. "It still looks very much the same as it did when we left, though the porch was not here back then."
For a moment, the rustling of trees, the wind chimes hanging on the porch roof, and the birds playing in the air made for a serene scene. A moment that was interrupted by a concerned sigh.
"But Aria, seriously, are you ok?" her worry audible. "I know you are having a hard time dealing with it all, but if there is anything you need, you just have to tell me."
"I know." My voice soft and my eyes pierced into the distance. "I fear that I will fail as a mother if I don't do anything about it." Leaning forward, I dropped my head in my hands, my body back to its frozen state, as if I were in real physical danger. I let the darkness wrap around me again, slowly and consciously letting fresh air make its way into my lungs. As slowly as the air entered, so did it leave, though this time without the desired result.
The sudden feeling of a soft touch on my shoulder brought me back to the present, and again, my dear friend was there.
"You will be fine. I might not have known your parents, but I am sure they would be proud of you. And besides, I am here for you, you know. So there is nothing to worry about."
The words felt soothing, while a soft smile forced its way out. "I'm really glad you are here. I don't know what I would've done without you."
Her words seemed to soften the icy prison that kept me from moving. The high-pitched tones from my pleading twins, however, could melt away anything. I willed my body into action, slowly climbing out of my chair. It was at that moment that the door of the house flung open, and two kids stared at me with their cute puppy eyes.
"Mom, can we go play outside? pleeease?"
"Did you do your chores?" The twins nodded as they anticipated the question. "Then you can go."
Before the twins set out, I squatted down. "I have something important to do, so your Aunty Amber will be watching over you. Make sure you listen to her, okay?"
As I raised myself again, I softly put my hands on each of their backs, and I softly pushed them along their way. Seeing them running around the lush green fields around our house gives me a sense of relief; it reminded me of my childhood days when my brother and I ran around in these same fields. Seeing my twins running around also made me painfully aware of how much distance there was between who I am now and who my mother was to me.
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Was I failing them?
As if she could predict the future. Amber appeared right in front of me, gesturing to move on.
"Come on, go on." She motioned for me to go inside. "I'm watching them like an Argenthian, you know."
Her comment caused me to chuckle while a mocking grin started growing on my face.
"Are you sure? You don't look like one of those majestic-looking oversized silver birds. And you certainly don't seem to have their eyes either." Now laughing, I saw one of the twins stumble, and as they both collided, they started rolling down a small hill.
Amber shot a glance over her shoulder, trying to make sense of my laughter. Her face showed everything I needed to know, and my little stab at her comment was a success.
"Oh, uh, haha. Okay, almost," she turned towards the place where she saw the kids disappear out of sight and laughed as she ran to the twinsâ aid.
"Again, thanks for helping out. It means a lot." I yelled after her.
She tried to wave but almost fell. She made a quick twist towards me as she yelled back. "We're family, you know. This sort of thing comes with the territory."
As Amber moved on, I returned a smile and thanked her silently. It was time to make my way to the study upstairs. Now that the world around me was quiet again, the paralyzing feeling started creeping back, making every step become more of a struggle. When I finally reached the top, I saw my brother's room was still dark. I had to open the curtains, open the window, or was it just another tactic to keep myself from starting what I was supposed to?
"Hey there, little brother, time to let some sun into the room, don't you think?" My voice sounded surprisingly carefree as the curtains moved to the side. The room was instantly illuminated by the bright sunlight, which made the room feel warm and cozy. It was pretty big, with a bed and a desk placed on opposing ends. Everything was left as it once was when we were young. Looking at the desk, I saw the neatly folded gear my brother used to wear with his weapon placed on top.
I wish I could throw it out. The memories connected to it... It's just... They are the only thing our parents left us. I can't throw something like that away, not even if it hurts so much to look at. I shook my head. This was not the time to think about that.
I threw open the window as fresh air streamed through the window and brushed my face; it had an immediate calming effect. In the distance, I could hear the twins and looked down to see them running after each other with Amber struggling to keep up. It was amazing how such a simple sight was enough to make you forget the world.
"I wish you could see them." The carefree tone replaced by a sense of being lost and afraid. "I don't know if I will be a good mother for them. I can only do my best, but the memories and the nightmares just make me feel I can't be myself. I can't be like our mom was to us." My vision slowly blurring. "Is that bad?"
I sat down on the edge of the bed, grabbed his hand, and closed my eyes, letting the darkness surround me once more.
"I just hope that you return to us one day. I really need you here. But until that day, we will be here for you."
Slowly, fresh air entered my lungs, my mind focused on the sensation. My mind calmed as I let go of my brother's hand and let the darkness be driven back by the light in the room. I took my leave and noticed the closer I got to the door, every step became heavier. As I stepped through the door frame, I quickly glanced over my shoulder, hoping that he might 'just wake up'. That he would say 'good morning' and all those years never happened, like it was just a bad dream.
A large window gave room for the sun to pour inside and lit my desk with a comforting glow, ready for me to start what I had delayed for so long. It was just standing there as if waiting for me to eventually sit down. It had been there ever since I was young, and the memories of Dad sitting here working with me on his lap still make me smile. The room smelled musky now, and the air was full of dust, making me more aware of the passage of time. There were bookshelves against the walls, filled with historic tales that my father had written or collected. I did add some books that I had found around the world during my travels with my brother and our friends. But I was aware that one important story was still missing.
I wish I would have started right away instead of torturing myself every day. I was starting to lose it, the cracks were showing. I don't even know if this will even work, but maybe, just maybe, what if? If I start writing about everything that happened to us, maybe I could finally be there for my kids, for my brother. Be there like our parents were there for us.
At long last, I moved the chair back and blew the dust away. As I sat down, a large book with a brown leather wrapping lay in front of me, ready to hear my story. The sigil of the Ignisarian royal family was pressed in the cover as if waiting for me.
Opening the book, I took one last deep breath before I would be writing our tale. A tale where our journey for revenge turned into a battle for survival.