Lunch with mum was great. True to her words, she didn't bring up anything about the shop, making everything so much easier. Breathing was easier. Being around her was easier. Despite being worried that things between us would be awkward, mum did the best she could to prevent that and I appreciated the effort.
I remembered we had always had the best time with each other, the days when her life was not consumed by fawning over Jesse and making sure he had the best of everything. I tried not to think about the days I felt out of place in my home while they made Jesse feel like he belonged. Those years were bitter and hurtful. Even though it took mum years to really look at me, I had grown out of needing her or anyone.
After lunch, I went to see Cece in the hospital. Having time on my hands made me bored and fidgety. My cousin didn't seem surprised to see me knocking on the door of her office. Usually, I didn't visit her in the hospital, but this was the first time I was willing to come see her.
"Hey, you didn't tell me you were coming." Cece stared at me from behind her desk, wearing her white coat. Her office was small, but cute. There were traces of my cousin in the taste. Even though her main office was in her house, Cece visited the hospital every chance she got, and she has been coming here often now.
"Yeah it was unexpected," came my relaxed response as I slid into the chair in front of her. "I just hit the road and ended up here," I clarified.
She snorted with a nod. "Ah, so that's how unemployment is. How is that going for you?" Cece questioned, amused. I was glad she was not firing uncomfortable questions at me.
"Let's say I have a lot of free time and a lot of more time to my thoughts."
"Sucks?"
I gave a one shoulder shrug and proned back against the chair, one arm flung over the headrest. "Freedom is sexy, baby," I mused.
A trail of chuckles burst forth from her throat. "So is having a job. It distracts you. It keeps your brain working so you won't have time to sink into your thoughts." She waved her hand in the air to make her statement stand out, but it only made me snort, refusing to be baited into thinking my life wasn't great now.
"My thoughts are fine, thank you very much. I actually got the time to remember how much it feels so great not to stress about anything."
"So, you're not going to look for a job anymore?" Followed her question.
"How am I going to get a job? What am I going to do? I want to clear my head before I think about my next move."
Her brows went up higher than usual as she arrested me with keen eyes. "Which would be?"
"I don't know," I remarked with sincerity, head canted her way. "I haven't really thought much about it. What could I possibly be good at?"
"A lot of things," Cece issued in soft tones, a smile tilting her mouth. "This is the time to discover what you can do and what you wanna do. Don't waste it watching tv or arguing with Jesse."
A gulp of air sucked in before I hissed out, the frustration I haven't felt since I left his house came up and seeped through my skin. I had gone a few hours without his name coming up, and the fact that my cousin casually brought it up put a scowl on my face.
"I was completely ok with you not bringing him up."
Cece laced her fingers on her desk, eyeing me intently like she would her patients. It made me uncomfortable, as her next words did. "You know, I've really thought about getting you and him in here," she flung back.
"What?" I pulverized my teeth together, grating, "You mean, like come in for a therapy?" The last word came out in a chuckle.
She cocked her head, not finding the humor in it. "Why not? You'd be surprised at the power of therapy," she told me, more like trying to coax me to accept her offer. "It can help you both...settle whatever the hell is going on with you."
It was fucking ridiculous to imagine both Jesse and I sitting in one of her comfortable couches, airing out our business. The idea was so preposterous that I wanted to laugh again. Surely, she could not delude herself into thinking therapy was going to work.
"There's nothing wrong with me and Jesse," I lied point blank, not affronting her a glance. "We're actually fine, so we don't need you to analyze us." The fact that I pursed my lips tightly together must have Cece sensing the lies.
"You forget, Iris, that I spent years with you guys, so there's no need for me to analyze you. I know you well enough to know that you need someone to sort this shit out between you or it will never stop."
"Well, maybe I don't want to," came my whispered response, the idea of talking about my feelings for Jesse clogging my throat. It also pissed me off because there was no need to talk about it. Cece was there. She had been there for everything. I was used to feeling the way I did. The hatred...the intensity of it. For so long, it was the only thing I was good at. The only thing I knew. "Maybe I like feeling the way I do," I added, running my fingers in a circle, aching for the wheel in my head to stop spinning.
"Iris, I could yank out the therapist in me right now and say all the things you will call bullshit, but I'm trying not to do that because you hate it. Between you and me, I think you both have unresolved feelings."
"Unresolved feelings." The laugh escaped me. It danced mockingly in my head. "I think I've been vocal about it. The guy bullied me for years."
"At some point, we were all bullies and bullied," she proclaims, not impressed by my response.
"And he's still bullying me."
"I wouldn't call that bullying. I think it helps, letting out all your feelings without holding it in. If I was a therapist, I would say that's a good way to help. But, oh wait, I am." She waved her hand dramatically in the air, forcing me to roll my eyes. "Besides, if you call that bullying, then it's not one sided, is it?"
"He says the meanest things that gets me so mad!" I dragged my teeth across my bottom lip, blowing out a few breaths of hot air.
She rolled her eyes. "Then why do you still keep the notes?"
Her question sent a pang through me. I felt my chest tightening, holding me in the same captivity I held myself in. When it came to Jesse, I felt like I was in a cage, a cage I allowed myself to get trapped in. "Do you think he keeps his?" Quietly, I asked, swallowing my words, holding my trembling hands in my lap.
"No."
I nodded. I didn't think he would, but I was curious. From her own perspective, I needed to know. "Why do you think that?"
"I don't think he would want a reminder of all the hateful things you said about him. It would be unhealthy."
"I kept mine."
"Because you're a psychopath," Cece said, no regret in her voice. She simply pointed it out with no remorse.
I laughed, not the slightest bit offended. "You know, if anyone hears you, you would never have patients, right? That is, if you're lucky you don't get fired," I chimed in, the smile curling up on my lips again.
My cousin rolled her eyes, shuffling the papers on her desk. "Then I can just ask my husband to buy a building for me," she retorted, flaunting her husband's wealth in my face.
I snorted. "Show off."
"No one is stopping you from having one."
"I think by the time I get married-if I get married, I'll be old and grey, but the funniest thing is, I will be in my thirties because Jesse would have sucked me high and dry before I reach fifty."
"Oooooh. Now that, I like." She wiggled her eyebrows, face lit up.
I shuddered, reading between the lines. "Ugh, get your mind out of the gutter." With disgust, I noted the sly smirk on her face. The amusement.
She leaned forward as if she had a secret to offer. "No seriously, have you ever thought about it?" she inquired, all serious.
I felt like dying right at that moment.
"No, and I don't want to." My face twisted up, hiding my panic behind the disgust because I didn't want to have to get reminded about that night again. If Cece knew what happened, she would never shut up about it.
"Why not? Nobody told you that sex with a hot guy is hot, but sex with someone you hate is hotter?"
I wanted to die.
"Not with Jesse. Now, can we please stop talking about this? Clearly, you're low in sugar, and don't you have patients to see?"
She shrugged. "You came to me," she pointed out, not losing the smile as if she saw something I didn't see.
"I'm starting to regret that," I muttered with a groan.
"You're going to do a lot more regretting if you don't get a job soon. Try applying for jobs."
A sigh left my mouth, the sound becoming something I have been making frequently. "I said I'm not looking. I need some time off to gain back my confidence." I left it at that, and I was glad she didn't push again.
I didn't stay long because I knew Cece was busy and she had been on the verge of kicking me out if I had not said something. She promised to call me to go out for a few drinks after her shift.
I hit the button to call the elevator down, humming quietly as I looked around the hallway that bustled with doctors, nurses and visitors. As soon as I heard the small ding and the sound of the doors sliding open, I took a step toward the elevator. That was the moment he stepped out from it. We didn't smack into each other, but our chest brushed against one other. His breath fanned against my skin.
"I'm sorry," I blurted out, taking a step back to give the man space to leave. I looked up. "I'm sorry-"
He stared down at me, surprise shining on his face. My mouth parted open slightly, and the air that had entered my lungs clogged my throat. My body seized its bodily function the moment my eyes settled on him. He was surprise, but only for a moment. Smiling widely and joyfully, he surveyed me, keeping his eyes lingering on mine.
"Iris," he murmured softly.
My heart jolted in my chest, hearing him say my name. The last time I saw him was four years ago. His easy smile was in place. The smile that used to grate me and make me react.
"Matt," I drawled, almost chokingly, staring up at his beautiful face.
A few people approached to enter the elevator and Matt grabbed my elbow, tugging me to the side. The small touch caused something to erupt inside me. I didn't think my heart would react this way after all this time. My feelings for Matt had been strong before, and the fact that it still existed made me feel nervous and excited.
"How are you?"
"What are you doing here?" I asked in a rush, ignoring his question. "Are you a doctor here?" I stared him from head to toe-at the ID card pinned over the white coat on him.
He smiled. "Yes, I'm on the third floor. Children's ward."
I nodded vigorously because I didn't know what else to say next. The last time I saw Matt or talked to him was a night I couldn't remember. He went from being the guy I had feelings for in college to a stranger-all because I woke up in bed with Jesse. I wanted to deny and forget that night didn't exist, but when I saw the way Matt had looked at me in the morning-like he couldn't even stare into my eyes for more than a few seconds, I had known instantly that he knew about me and Jesse.
After that morning, we became strangers. He avoided me as best as he could, and I gave him the space he wanted. It hurt me a lot, but nothing could top the guilt of breaking the heart of a sweet guy. Seeing him right now reminded me of what I had done to him. It made me cast my eyes down.
"Hey," Matt got my attention with one word. One word, and I was weak again, looking into his blue eyes. I used to joke and call him Matt Donovan because they had the same name and same eyes. "Do you want to talk later?"
I blinked, surprised. He wanted to talk to me?
"Ah, hold on for a sec." He fished his phone out and checked something, bringing his eyes back up "Maybe tomorrow, then? I forgot my schedule is packed today. How about lunch or dinner tomorrow? Which one would be suitable for you?"
"You want to....go out with me?" I blurted out, still paralyzed. He saw my shocked and frightened eyes, then let out a small chuckle, beaming like the first time I saw him, shinning brighter than anything I had ever seen. I used to be obsessed with being around him because he had been the only thing that sparked my heart. Made me forget about all my problems. He was a beacon I held onto, and he had not made me feel like I was a terrible person. He melted all the ice within me.
I realized I was the only one freaking out, and I had the right to be. I was freaked out and nervous. I scratched my hair sheepishly. "Sorry, I'm just-"
"Nervous?" he helped, one eyebrow slanging upward.
I laughed and let my hand fall to my side. "Yeah, a little. It's just..." I was at loss for words again, and with one lick to my lower lip, I got my bearings again. "I never thought I would see you again."
"You're not happy to see me?"
"No, of course, I'm happy to see you. I just never thought you'd want to talk to me again, seeing how you avoided me, and you were right to! I-" I scratched my hair again, sighing and failing to calm my nerves. "It's really good to see you."
"You too, Iris. Lunch or dinner?"
"Dinner is fine."
"Good." Matt nodded with a grin. He handed me his phone.
I stared at the phone as if it was alien to me. "Uh....?"
He laughed heartily. "Your number, Iris."
I huffed out a chuckle. "Oh, yeah." Embarrassingly, I took his phone and punched in my number. My number had not changed in a decade, but it was good enough to tell me Matt had been so heartbroken by what I did that he deleted my number. I would not admit to him that I still had his number saved on my phone.
"I will call you," he quickly said. "Sorry, but I have to go now. They're paging me."
"Yeah, no problem. I guess I will see you tomorrow?"
His lips spread into a wider smile if that was possible. "I can't wait."
When I entered the elevator, I was glad no one was inside. I pressed my back against the wall, feeling like I was coming apart. I couldn't believe I saw Matt, and he asked me out. If that night had not happened, I wondered where we would be right now.
Would we still be dating? Engaged?
-
"You look like you've either seen a ghost or fucked a ghost," Viv greeted me when I came to see her. Before I did, I made sure to text her and ask if her boss was around. She texted me back when the coast was clear.
I didn't shut the door to Jesse's office, letting it slightly open before joining Viv on the sofa. "I saw the ghost I wanted to fuck before," I corrected. Since Viv didn't have an office and the lounge room wasn't empty, we decided to talk in his office. I cringed, adding, "No, let me rephrase that: I saw a ghost that I wanted to hold hands with and love." I sounded a little awestruck even to my own ears.
"Shit. I love me some drama." Viv jumped in her seat excitedly, clapping her hands. She eagerly stared at me. "The ghost of the past ex, huh? We've all been there." She tossed her hands up.
Dazedly, I glanced at her. "Are you telling me that you fucked another guy the same night you got together with the guy you've been pinning for, only for him to end up ghosting you, and five years later, you bump into him and he asked for your number right after he asked you out?" I rushed out, ending my rant breathlessly. I thought she would freak out that I was emotionally unstable right now, but it dawned on me that I have always been emotionally unstable.
"Damn, you cheated on him?" She crossed her legs and frowned. "I didn't take you as a cheater."
Her words didn't sit well with me, so I quickly defended. "Because I'm not!" The tension between my brows rose. I felt out of my mind every time I remembered that night and what it cost me. The guilt and regret ate me up every time it crossed my mind. "It was a horrible mistake," I continued with a sigh, ruffling my hair. "Alcohol played a big role in destroying my one day relationship."
I didn't remember what crossed my mind that night. I didn't remember getting drunk or anything else. It irritated me that I willingly allowed myself to sleep with Jesse.
Viv smiled. "But you know people only fuck those they either have feelings for, or the person they are attracted to, right?"
What? I blinked rapidly, taking in her words. The look in her eyes made my heart twist, and something heavy gathered in my throat and punched through my heart. What the hell was wrong with the women in my life insinuating that I wanted to sleep with my mortal enemy?
"That's bullshit."
Her smile faltered, and it was obvious she was trying not to laugh. "I don't make the rules, hun. So, tell me. Are you excited? Happy? Things may not have worked out before, but is there a chance that it would now?"
I stared at my reflection in the screen of my phone to see if there was any change in my face. Before I could investigate, I put the phone down.
"Are you kidding?" I began, throwing my head back to stare at the ceiling. "I'm more freaked out and nervous than excited." Looking down, I shot her a glance. "What part of I cheated on him the day he asked me to be his girlfriend, in a party he invited me to and on his friend's bed, don't you understand? I'm wondering if he's going to confront me...." I let the words linger, unsure of how many details I wanted to give her. Probably neither.
"And you're scared because?"
I sat up straighter. "I have nothing to say about it," I clipped.
Viv scrunched her nose at me in a silent tease and laughed. "Hold on, do you still have feelings for him?" Her brows arched.
Jesse chose that moment to walk in on us. I felt a chill ran down my spine, an awareness that seeped in slowly. It felt like a solid punch to the gut when he looked at me in a way that clamped my lips shut.
Shit. Did he hear that?
The tension inside me built when he strolled to his desk and slipped into his chair. Both Viv and I were too stunned to speak.
"What are you two doing?" he directed his question to Viv, anger evident in his voice and face.
I shot her a look. "I thought you said he was going to be out for a few hours," I rushed out in a whisper, feeling the tightness in my chest.
"I thought that too," she whispered back.
"This is a workplace, not a place for gossip." Jesse's words slammed into me. His eyes were on me now. The way he spoke, the look of contempt in his gaze-he would have ground me into dust if he had the chance. Jesse seemed angrier than ever when he stared at his assistant. "Don't make me repeat that again, Viv. Now, go and see Josh. Ask him why he hasn't sent me the final illustration. I was under the impression he was going to send it after he got the green light."
Viv scrambled to her feet. She muttered, while giving me a quick glance. "I'm sorry." She left before I could even blink.
It was me and him alone.
"You're not going to leave?"
A few words from him and my blood threatened to burst through my veins. My hands turned into fists at my sides and my molars clenched. I looked up. He stared. More like glaring. His piercing brown eyes narrowed down at me. His clean-shaven jaw locked tight in annoyance.
"I was going to," I stated, rushing to my feet. "You don't have to kick me out. Do you think I want to be here with you?" I hissed and turned around for the door.
"Wait."
I paused and turned. "What?"
"People have work to do, Iris. I hired Vivienne to work for me, not to listen to your gossip. Just because you're unemployed and have free time to yourself doesn't mean the rest of us do. Let Viv do her work and quit causing disruptions in my office."
"Disruptions?" I squeaked in disbelief. "All I did was talk to her. I didn't go out there and cause a scene in front of your employees and stopped them from working."
"Don't be smart with me, Iris. If you had used your smartness to save your shop, you wouldn't need to come here and bother those with actual jobs."
I sucked in a breath. It stung to hear that, but I didn't expect any less from the asshole. I never gave him the benefit of the doubt. I have always known he was cruel and merciless. I was glad he reminded me of that every time.
"Would it kill you to be human?" I gritted out, my eyes burning. My chest drowning. He stilled, but he didn't look at me. "Why do I expect you to be a decent guy, Jesse? My unemployed ass will find my way out. No need to flaunt your success in my face."
I didn't wait around to see his face, slamming his door so hard I thought it would break off its hinges. It certainly startled his employees.
You have your scene now, asshole.